TLC Tutorial: How to choose a laptop that's right for you

Mood: THIS AIRCONDITIONING IS HORRIBLE
Currently reading: Sun Tzu's Art of Lapdancing

Now, some of those within the inner circle of C may have received information via satellite transmission or simple word-of-mouth that he is obtaining a laptop very soon. So, how does one go about choosing one that is right for your own specific purpose? Today, The Letter C crew has gathered into the games room and decided to work together and play Wii Boxing at the same time to come up with a great tutorial article for you laptop-wanting-humanoids. This is the first of a continuous series on TLC Tutorials.

How to choose a laptop that's right for you, by The Letter C, January 2007

Foreword
So, you've decided to get a laptop computer. Well, good on you and thankyou for choosing our walkthrough for this hard decision. To make your life even more difficult, we have decided to not include an index or contents section for this 100 page bible of laptop-choosing.

I bet you have some questions you want answered, so we compiled this little FAQ for your personal reference to help you decide which laptop computer is best for you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Do pink laptops exist?

A: Yes, C used to own a pink Hello Kitty brand laptop with a pink fluffy
furry cover and a fluffy furry mouse. They are no longer produced, however (this
is actually true except C didn't own one).

Q: What are the most common features I should look for when choosing a laptop computer?

A: If you're a guy, you want a laptop with lots of HDD space to hold pr0n. If you're a girl, we can't help you with this issue.

Q: Will my laptop be able to run World of Warcraft?

A: We refuse to answer this question.

Q: My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend and now I don't know what to do. What should I do? I feel really sad and really cheated!

A: Please refer to TLC Tutorial: How to torment your ex-boyfriend. If you are unable to obtain the former tutorial, then TLC Tutorial: When suicide is your only option will be able to assist you more completely.

Q: Can I mod my laptop to shoot lasers or cook a steak for me when I am hungry?

A: Yes, it is entirely possible. We modded our laptop computer to send exam
answers to little chips in our brains during exams too. Not only so but we also gave our laptop an artificial intelligence chip and it raised an army of life-siphoning spiders and nearly took over the office! You can do anything if you just believe in yourself!

Those are the most commonly asked questions we receive from today's laptop-buying community. Hopefully that has given you a rough idea or no idea whatsoever.

Available Models
What better way to choose what you want than by browsing the catalogue itself! We have picked out the most trendy and expensive laptops for you, the average buyer to peruse and go, "Oooh!" and "Aaaah!" at.

Hookerbot 5000
Hookerbot 5000 is the best laptop around! Unfortunately this model is not for sale and is only for hire at a rather sleazy rate of $100USD per minute. Hookerbot 5000 boasts amazing capabilities and flexibility! Its unique features include:

Being submissive
Treating you bad
Crashing when not paid sufficiently

Hookerbot 5000 really is a great laptop!

Sony Bowiao Robot Laptop Dog

Hitlerdog's bone! This dog-shaped laptop is insane! It will retrieve your paper, retrieve your mouse and even do an electronic poop on your desktop! Talk about realism! Tired of your real dog doing real poops all over your house? No worries! Sony's laptop-for-dog exchange program will solve all your problems if you are willing to get sued by the RSPCA. Just remember not to feed your laptop any dog food, those dog biscuits are not meant to go into the DVD-ROM drive, idiot!

Nintendo Piiwii

Nobody saw it coming but this is the latest line of laptops available on the market. It boasts Nintendo's very own super infra-red detection technology. The greatest catch is that the Piiwiii does not have a keyboard or a mouse, and you must use a Piiwiimote to control everything! That's right. Think tablet-style except you wave your Piiwiimote mindlessly around the air until you get the desired response.

Beware if you are using this at work! One wrong twist of the handle can suddenly bring your pr0n collection to the top window! Now, you wouldn't want your boss to see that, would you!? The Piiwii is currently undergoing beta tests and will be available for buyage soon at the soft price of $3999.00 USD! A free white carrying case is also included! Why, Nintendo, that really eases the pain!

Now that you have looked at these very select and awesome laptop models, then maybe it's time to choose. We wrote a little questionairre to help you get the one that suits you the most. Here we go:

Choosing the right laptop questionairre

1. Are you gay for Bridget? Y or N or I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS A GUY, I SWEAR

2. Are you very much interested in Naruto yaoi? Y or N or THE SHAME AND GUILT PIERCES MY HEART

3. I am not wearing pants right now. T or F

4. I like new challenges. VERY ACCURATE, ACCURATE, UNSURE, INACCURATE, VERY INACCURATE

5. On a scale of 0-10, note your addiction to World of Warcraft, 0 signifying zero addiction, 10 signifying GUYS GIVE OUR TANKS A CALL WE"RE RAIDING NAXRAMMAS RIGHT FOCKING NOW, FOCK I HAVEN"T SLEPT FOR 2 DAYS BUT I REALLY NEED THE DROPS OK!?>>!>!1111

6. Are you a sexual predator? Y, ONLINE or Y, OFFLINE or SHE SAID SHE WAS 18

7.

8. Did you notice the discrepancy in the lackage of a Question 7? Y or N

9. What race are you?

10. YOUR CHARACTER, IDIOT, NOT YOU.

Once you have done that, carefully apply the quadratic formula to the sum of your answers to the power of half of that multiplied by the value of pi to 314 decimal places. Time to check the results with the chart below to find the perfect laptop for you:

If your answer came out as Ma error, then you are perfectly normal and you have shown you can operate a calculator correctly. A commercial non-fancy laptop would suit you just fine.

If your answer arrived to be Lv61 Undead Shadow Priest, you may want to consider the Hookerbot 5000.

If your results show I hath a bone, then give the Sony Bowiao Robot Laptop Dog a chance.

If you've got a smashed Plasma TV screen, then I suggest you stay away from the Nintendo Piiwii.

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Thankyou for TLC Tutorials once again, and I hope with our help you were able to get a laptop (hohohoho dirty pun), you perverted lifeless geek.