piano_1280wideblack.jpg #REVAMP

A gift for people who love black and orange things:

My laptop wallpaper, revamped.

1280 x 800 resolution for widescreen.

Looks best with Windows XP Zune Theme (requires n3rd-tweaking, could be dangerous).

Le CLAPTOP

Mood: Not in the mood for another boring day at work

Currently downloading (at work): 24 Season 6, Episode 6, Part 2

A6F-AP094P

Outstanding dual-core performance to enjoy multimedia management and digital content creation. Enjoy revolutionary entertainment on the go - A6F with Intel® Centrino® Duo Mobile Technology.

Processor:
Intel® Core™ Duo Processor T2050

Cache :
2MB On-Die L2 Cache, 667 MHz

Operating System :
Microsoft® Windows® XP Professional

Chipset :
Mobile Intel® 945 PM Express Chipset

Memory :
512Mb DDR2 667MHz SDRAM, 2x SO-DIMM sockets for expansion up to 2G

Display :
15.4" WXGA wide Color Shine LCD

Video Graphics :
Integrated Intel® 945 GM VGA

Hard Drive :
80GB 2.5" 9.5 mm IDE HDD with Ultra DMA100 supported

Optical Drive :
DVD Super-Multi

Card Reader :
SD/MMC/MS/MS PRO

Fax/Modem/LAN/WLAN:
Intel® High Definition audio modem and 10/100 Base T
Pass and support worldwide regulation
MiniPCI 802.11/a/b/g
Built-in Bluetooth® V2.0+ EDR

Video Camera :
1.3M Megabyte Pixels

Interface:
1 x Headphone-out jack
1 x Microphone-in jack
1 x Line-in Jack
1 x RJ11 Modem jack for phone line
1 x RJ45 LAN Jack for LAN insert
4 x USB 2.0 ports,
1x IEEE 1394 port
1 x TV Out (S-Video)
1 x Type II PCMCIA 2.1 compliant
1 x Printer Port
1 x VGA Port

Audio :
Built-in Intel High Definition audio compliant audio chip
SoundBlaster Pro Compatible
Built-in stereo speakers (1.5W)

Keyboard :
19 mm full size 88key with MS-Windows function keys

Battery :
8 cells 4800mAh, 71Whrs
Charging time: 4hrs/2.5hrs
(System On/ Off) to 95%

AC Adapter :
Output: 19 V DC, 3.42 A, 65W
Input: 100— 240V AC,
50/60Hz universal

Dimensions:
354 x 284 x 35.2 mm (W x D x H)

Weight :
2.85 Kg (15.", 8 cell battery pack)

claptop_desktop.jpg

Behold, and be in awe.

There is no C in Windows Vista

Mood: bug·gy2 /ˈbʌgi/ [buhg-ee]
–adjective, -gi·er, -gi·est.
1. infested with bugs.
2. Slang. crazy; insane; peculiar.

Currently listening to: windows.wav

Windows Vista has been long awaited by geeks all over the world, and is none other than another one of Microsoft's schemes to get more money. Our insider within the industry, C, who is currently serving as the "boy who sits around and gets paid to surf the net" at a private computer parts resaler, will experience the rush of nerdy customers dishing out the big bucks for this slightly-more-prettier-looking-OS-than-Windows-XP.

Vista is latin for "view" or "sight". C knows this because he played Final Fantasy IX where there was an airship called the Prima Vista which is latin for "first sight". Latin enthusiasts feel the new Windows operating system was much more aptly named than Windows XP. Still to this day, a long 5 years after its initial release, only 7% of Windows XP users know what the XP actually stands for. To nobody's surprise, 100% of these users are lifeless geeks who will be living in their parents' basment until they are 30 years old. Windows is latin for "bugged operating system", but can also carry the alternate meaning of "elaborate Microsoft scam" and has "only suckers would pay for this" written all over it.

Currently a copy of the most basic version of Windows Vista OEM on DVD is going for $110ex. at the wholesale price. Strangely enough, the CD-ROM version costs an extra $3. How bizarre! According to Wikipedia, Windows Vista Home Basic Non-OEM (the most basic version available) will be going for $385.00 AUD in retail. For the non-geeks out there (and C himself only received the explanation himself from his father), the OEM can only be legally installed on one machine and is fundamentally "bind on installation" to that machine (excuse the World of Warcraft reference), thus explaining the significantly lower price.

Many different versions of Vista will be available, much like XP, which had the Home and Professional Editions. Windows Vista versions available for purchase or collecting include:

Windows Vista Starter
Windows Vista Home Basic
Windows Vista Home Premium
Windows Vista Home Gourmet*
Windows Vista Business
Windows Vista Enterprise
Windows Vista Millenium Falcon*
Windows Vista Ultimate
Windows Vista Ultimate 1337 h4x0r*
Windows Vista Epic*
Windows Vista for Macintosh

* denotes a fabricated but possible naming of a version of Windows Vista.

Windows Vista will boast hundreds of new features. The Letter C is pretty certain that not only will Vista feature the many features listed on the box, but also thousands of unwritten ones that unlucky owners will get to discover the hard way. We have already drive-tested the new operating system on C's new laptop (which he is actually yet to receive). Our results are recorded with a real-time comparison with a machine running Windows XP, using a very fair meter of measure:

Unreal Tournament 2008
Windows Vista: 7 multikills, 23 monster kills, 172 blue screens of death
Windows XP: 11 headshots, 18 godlikes, 20 frames-per-second

Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne - Defense of the Ancients
Windows Vista: 189 creep kills, 22 creep denies, 8 killing sprees, 4 fatal errors
Windows XP: 2 leavers, 5 divine rapiers, 4 disconnects

World of Warcraft: Burning Crusade
Windows Vista: 3 failed connects, and then "Your account has been closed." on successful connection
Windows XP: 1024 dps, 720 crit, +8511 dkp

Microsoft Word
Windows Vista: Failed to open
Windows XP: 130 wpm

Minesweeper
Windows Vista: (Not Responding)
Windows XP: 3 seconds on Beginner, 999 on Intermediate and 39 on Expert by Anonymous

As you can clearly see from these results, Windows Vista still needs a lot of work and was released because Microsoft is just that hungry for money. Geek forums all around the world will be jam-packed full of threads titled, "VISTA IS BUGGED" or "I F*&%^ING WASTED $400" and we of course can't forget the one titled, "Click here for Vista torrentz LULZ!".

The bundle of new features and bugs in Windows Vista include the following:

Vista will have neuro-detection to know when the user is about to save his/her
work and automatically crash before the command can be sent (not a bug, working
as intended).

Vista will stop functioning a year after the manufacture
date (stated as a bug in the instruction manual, but it clearly isn't).

Porn-protection upgrade protects your porn collection from being deleted
and viruses. A total of 20 passwords can be set for maximum security.

**GG INSPIRATION DIED AT THIS POINT

We salute you, Microsoft, for making the world a better place!

C is for Commitment

Mood: Mushyromanticsquishywub (L)w(L)
Currently listening to: Aya Hirano - God Knows

This article containing quality relationship advice was written by Dr Luigi
D'facto and edited by The Letter C.

There was a young couple I once knew who only just began their relationship. The girl got a pet kitten a little while into their relationship. The guy wouldn't go near it and threatened to bail. She had named it Commitment. Of course, after many reformations of tradition and BGR (boy girl relationships), commitment isn't just something that guys try to dodge by changing the subject with their girlfriends. Most guys of the modern era would much rather turn gay than enter a committed relationship with a girl, out of fear of getting abducted by aliens and/or having to leave the house and being exposed to sunlight.

Commitment does seem rather daunting, possibly because that 90% of males cannot articulate the word and the 95% of those guys don't know what it means. Too often I hear my lady friends complain about their boyfriends who say, "Huh, com-mit-what? Is that a Korean sidedish?" The fact that these unknowing males confuse the word with a Korean sidedish is a great blow to my faith in my own gender.

Commitment could mean one of several things in a relationship. For one, it could simply be picking her up on time for your date or waiting for her to arrive even if she's 2 days late. A committed gentleman will stand in the rain for up to an entire week if his beloved does not arrive for any reason, and he will not call her either, so as not to appear a desperate perverted geek. Depending on the female partner, whether she is a black belt in Karate or meek Japanese schoolgirl, she may or may not open a can of whoop-ass in your direction if you fail at any of the above.

Secondly, commitment means paying for everything. Remember the golden rule: Girls love money and pink things. If at any time she has to fork out just 5 cents for anything, it's over. Letting her pay is recognized as taboo in 57 world countries. In a select 12 countries around the world, you may even get arrested and put into prison if you don't treat her like she's a cheapo. Remember, if she says she wants something, even if a really jokingly way and after she asserts, "I was just kidding!" more than 5 times, be prepared to whip out that credit card faster than she can whip out her whip (no pun intended). Unfortunately, applying for a second credit card for her sake will not suffice, because girls are always wanting to know if you're really listening. And also because they enjoy torturing those of the male gender. I speak from experience when I say it is more the latter than the former.

Commitment also includes acting like a total jackass so that she appears cultured in your presence. You must act more stupid and immature than her at all times, even if it means getting suspicious looks from the security guard standing a few metres away. Inability to comply with this standard of commitment probably wouldn't make a whole lot of difference anyway because you require no effort to bring out the jerk in yourself. If this is the case, then ask yourself: Why hasn't she dumped me? You should be cautious from now on. Either she is after nothing but your money, or she might be a zombie who is after nothing but your brain (unfortunately for her, if you are male you are probably lacking in that department).

A committed gentleman will always listen to his lady and somehow always be able to remind her that she's special to him. A perverted gentleman will always pretend he's listening but have his eyes fixed on her cleavage. This is also known as the "epic fail". Nodding at irregular intervals and grunting incessantly will not make a good impression on your lady, as she will be quick to pick up on your tactlessness. When your relationship has reached this stage, it may be too late to secure some health insurance. According to recent statistics, only 10% of males will survive the ass-whooping delivered to them for not listening, and only 2% of these will still be able to have children. A staggering figure of only 0.6% will get to tell their grandkids, and only 0.018% will admit to getting beat up by their girlfriend on the first date.

Please mail your dating questions addressed to Dr Luigi D'facto at the following address:

214 Love Tunnel Lane
Dumpville 4411
Queensland, AUSTRALIA

TLC Crackdown: When religion and politics collide

My negative opinion on Kevin Rudd is not news to the world, as everyone knows that I think he's an arrogant and smug asshat. Your local postie knows this, your piano teacher knows this and I daresay, I think your neighbour's pet labrador knows it too. There was a time when I (Charles) received a call to do a politics-related survey. One of the questions asked was:

Who do you consider to be arrogant, callous and smug? John Howard or Kim Beazley?

This happened during the time with Mr Beazley was still around, but I said to the surveyor, "Can I say Kevin Rudd?" Unfortunately, due to survey protocol, he was unable to allow me to answer this way and I had to choose John Howard instead, much to my shame because I believe Mr Howard to be a nice man.

I am not the biggest fan of Mr Rudd, considering Kim Beazley, his predecessor was actually my favourite pick for Labor Prime Minster of the modern era. Simon Crean was old and too much of a resemblance to dictator Joseph Stalin, and Mark Latham's forehead was way too damn big.

Upon reading this article, titled Abbott lashes Rudd on religion, we have Tony Abbott, a very respectable man who is widely hailed in The Letter C office as being the "head honcho drug dealing ex-priest-in-training". Now that we know Mr Rudd is a Christian, are we Christians more likely to vote for Labor in the coming election? I do not in any way consider Australia a "Christian country", much in the same way like the United States, and I surely hope to never see the kind of extremist patriotism and condemnation of non-believers.

Is Mr Rudd trying to turn Australia into a theocracy, or is he just really eager for votes that he will compromise his Christian values to gain support of Christians around Australia? I'm glad I will not be voting for this man.

I quote from the aforementioned article:

The minister (Tony Abbott) urged Mr Rudd to produce policies, not rhetoric, to show he was interested in the values of Christians rather than just their votes.

“I just wish he would stop feeding the myth of the Christian right without at least some hard evidence,” Mr Abbott said.

“Not only does it unfairly smear Christian people who just happen not to agree with him on some political issues but it makes him look two-faced when I'm not convinced he is.”

Tony Abbott, respect +10.

TLC Crackdown: When Jack killed Dumbledore

The art of "spoiling" has been thoroughly practised throughout the years - by hoodlums, by parents and by FILTHY FUN-LOVING F(**&^KING NOOBTRASH FILTH OMGGGGG

***WARNING: This post may contain traces of nuts and spoilers of 24 Season 6. Proceed with caution. Wear a paper bag over your head if necessary.

The content of this post may potentially affect you as much as someone telling you the horrible truth that, "You fail at life." C is currently on the roof of the building right now, planning to jump.

We do not condone this horrible crime that hath befallen upon our chief editor, and do not encourage it to be done anywhere else. This act of spoiling has marked the end of a beautiful blogging career of C, a wonderful gentleman who spent his weeknights appreciating the finer things in life - such as Naruto yaoi, Durian flavoured icecream and cufflinks.

This is a condemnation of spoiling and we hope that many others who have had their TV/novel/gardening experience ruined because of a lack of consideration by filthy noobtrash who really "meant no harm" can relate to and find closure by reading this chatlog of C's last e-words.

As we type this final paragraph, policemen are on the roof trying to coax C away from the edge of the building with money, heterosexual pornography, a 5-star holiday trip to Switzerland and a fishing lure shaped like mermaid. Little do they know, C has no interest in any of these things. We must finish this post soon, we cannot bear to see his fragile Asian body float down to the ground floor and risk him floating into the industrial bin where all our stolen PS3s are hidden.

Remember kids: don't spoil anything for anyone you love, not even if it means you will procure that priceless reaction which you could sell on ebay for triple your superannuation.

**LAST WARNING: The following chat log contains spoilers of 24 Season 6. While The Letter C is extremely careful in ommitting sensitive information, there may be traces of meat.











.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
Session Start: Saturday, 27 January 2007
Participants:
...cwong] Hi, my name is Postmodernist. (chibiwong@hotmail.com)
(F) gwo™:. (L)
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.

[12:18:47 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: grahme bauer
theres also josh bauer
[12:18:50 PM] [cwong] Char: OMG
STFU
[12:18:53 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: :P:
[12:18:54 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo
[12:18:59 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: LMFAO
[12:19:01 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: you have to dl man
its
an awesome episode
[12:19:04 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
i'm dling part 1
[12:19:12 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOU MISS OUT
[12:19:15 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[12:19:29 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: LMAO
[12:19:33 PM] [cwong] Char: YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
[12:19:33 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: this is
freaking gold
WALLID
LMFAO
[12:19:36 PM] [cwong] Char:
FOCKINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNn
[12:19:37 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: LMFAO
SANDRA
WAYNE
[12:19:40 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[12:19:42 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: JACK
CHLOE
MILO
[12:19:46 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[12:19:48 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: BILL
GRAHAME
[12:19:52 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[12:19:54 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: PHILLIP
[12:19:55 PM] [cwong] Char:
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
[12:19:56 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: jOSH
[12:19:58 PM] [cwong] Char:
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGG
[12:20:01 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: JACK
[12:20:02 PM] [cwong] Char: FOCKING
DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

What a great man C was, a defender of the drug-addicted and wielder of the pen. His last e-words really do carry a special meaning and touch us very deeply in every way. Goodbye fair lady, you will surely be missed.

TLC Tutorial: Alliteration for the dyslexic and/or Nintendo DS addict

Mood: Feeling fine for a Friday
Currently listening to: Carrrrd Captor Sakura OST... UPSKIRT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE GOGOGO!

Remember high school English? Remember how the teachers would use jargon like "discourse" and "allegory" and "J to da Bizzinks" to get their point across? Just like the teacher's pet, or the class clown, the class mime, or the lowlife loser who sat in the back corner rolling joints, nobody ever got what those words meant. But today, we're going to dispell all doubts regarding alliteration.

Abnormally absurd amounts of A-words arranged adjacent to a (Alliteration: 10/10, Grammatical correctness: 2/10)... er... Sweet Saintly salesmen of strawberry shortcake, that is hard! As you can see, alliteration is simple - if you have a Masters degree in Environmental Planning or a thesaurus nearby.

The art of "alliterating" was first founded by none other than a stuttering hobo named Wurd Smith. Wurd was just chattin' to his homies one day at the bus stop and he said something like, "Yo, yo, ya-liek ya-comin' to yur yacht!?" Linguists have analysed this to be a display of ebonics, but experts have since proved that false. And no, contrary to popular belief, the word "wurd" is not named after Mr Smith, but it is actually a Russian brand of male deoderant with the aroma of the Moscow subway.

Note that alliteration and tongue-twisters are too different things. We have no idea what tongue-twisters are, so we can't really explain that to you, so let us move onto the main body of the tutorial:

How to alliterate
Each person will develop their own style of alliterating, so don't think there is any sure way to follow. A unique style of alliteration will score you extra points at the end of the round, but if your alliteration starts lagging or become sluggish, you may incur the FAILED rating.

We're just going to provide a few examples to get you started in the art of alliteration.

Gangsta Rapper: "Yo f*&^% f&^% yo f*&^%ing f*&% f*%%ing f*&^ed f*^%!"

Primary school English teacher: "She sells sea shells by the sea shore."

Nintendo DS addict: "Pika pika pika pikachuuuuuuuu pika pi!"

**quit post to go pplay pianoooo wheeeeeeeeee

TLC Crackdown: When journalists report on World of Warcraft

Nothing positive could ever come out of any news article on World of Warcraft if it is by your local current affairs show. Of course, if I were writing something on WoW, I would glorify it and write loads of crap on how it is a positive hobbie to pursue!

Check out how the journalists in this story portray the game as the work of the devil, and how they continue to quote "experts" which are never shown nor even named! Funny how the boy apparently had a job which we can only assume paid for his WoW addiction, but now that he's dropped out of school and work, I guess mum's going to have to pay for it! Isn't it hilaroius how so many parents don't have control over their kids? This kid is only a minor, he's 16 and yet nothing can be done about his addiction.

The Letter C is sitting around laughing at this news story because we believe it has nothing to do with World of Warcraft and is a horrible attempt at scapegoating. The real issue is not the boy's addiction but the mother's inability to discipline her own child. We also believe the external news article on the Chinese boy who committed suicide over the game was very much taken out of context. Oh, let's do a little pan over the headline of the story to show that such a case existed!

We still can't get over the fact that the reporter quotes "expert" opinion. Experts on what? Experts on not showing their face or not having a name? Name the damn expert, damnit! Breakage of journalism ethics there, not attributing your source, filthy scums of the earth. Not only so, but he says, [quote] "World of Warcraft has had such an impact on players that there are chat rooms on the Internet dedicated to addicts." [/quote] LOL? Hello Mr Journalist, there are chat rooms dedicated to EVERYTHING, including furry porn, white chocolate and pineapple plantations on the Internets. I lol'd irl.

And when the kid is explaining himself, he gets cut off! Notice how the rest of his speech was muted and we didn't get to hear him. We only got to hear the most incriminating parts of what he said, to further enforce the fact that this kid is beyond help! Pathetic. This is absolutely pathetic and it happens way too often; journalists cutting and editing the real story to make it work for them. What was with the shots of the kid in dark lighting and the Star Wars poster in the background? Is Star Wars bad too now? How about that shot of the hole in the wall? Why, that really makes him look like a violent thug, considering the rest of the house is in shambles (if anyone noticed).

This is the truth: there are two types of people in this world; good people, and journalists. Absolutely disgusting.

TLC Tutorial: How to choose a laptop that's right for you

Mood: THIS AIRCONDITIONING IS HORRIBLE
Currently reading: Sun Tzu's Art of Lapdancing

Now, some of those within the inner circle of C may have received information via satellite transmission or simple word-of-mouth that he is obtaining a laptop very soon. So, how does one go about choosing one that is right for your own specific purpose? Today, The Letter C crew has gathered into the games room and decided to work together and play Wii Boxing at the same time to come up with a great tutorial article for you laptop-wanting-humanoids. This is the first of a continuous series on TLC Tutorials.

How to choose a laptop that's right for you, by The Letter C, January 2007

Foreword
So, you've decided to get a laptop computer. Well, good on you and thankyou for choosing our walkthrough for this hard decision. To make your life even more difficult, we have decided to not include an index or contents section for this 100 page bible of laptop-choosing.

I bet you have some questions you want answered, so we compiled this little FAQ for your personal reference to help you decide which laptop computer is best for you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Do pink laptops exist?

A: Yes, C used to own a pink Hello Kitty brand laptop with a pink fluffy
furry cover and a fluffy furry mouse. They are no longer produced, however (this
is actually true except C didn't own one).

Q: What are the most common features I should look for when choosing a laptop computer?

A: If you're a guy, you want a laptop with lots of HDD space to hold pr0n. If you're a girl, we can't help you with this issue.

Q: Will my laptop be able to run World of Warcraft?

A: We refuse to answer this question.

Q: My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend and now I don't know what to do. What should I do? I feel really sad and really cheated!

A: Please refer to TLC Tutorial: How to torment your ex-boyfriend. If you are unable to obtain the former tutorial, then TLC Tutorial: When suicide is your only option will be able to assist you more completely.

Q: Can I mod my laptop to shoot lasers or cook a steak for me when I am hungry?

A: Yes, it is entirely possible. We modded our laptop computer to send exam
answers to little chips in our brains during exams too. Not only so but we also gave our laptop an artificial intelligence chip and it raised an army of life-siphoning spiders and nearly took over the office! You can do anything if you just believe in yourself!

Those are the most commonly asked questions we receive from today's laptop-buying community. Hopefully that has given you a rough idea or no idea whatsoever.

Available Models
What better way to choose what you want than by browsing the catalogue itself! We have picked out the most trendy and expensive laptops for you, the average buyer to peruse and go, "Oooh!" and "Aaaah!" at.

Hookerbot 5000
Hookerbot 5000 is the best laptop around! Unfortunately this model is not for sale and is only for hire at a rather sleazy rate of $100USD per minute. Hookerbot 5000 boasts amazing capabilities and flexibility! Its unique features include:

Being submissive
Treating you bad
Crashing when not paid sufficiently

Hookerbot 5000 really is a great laptop!

Sony Bowiao Robot Laptop Dog

Hitlerdog's bone! This dog-shaped laptop is insane! It will retrieve your paper, retrieve your mouse and even do an electronic poop on your desktop! Talk about realism! Tired of your real dog doing real poops all over your house? No worries! Sony's laptop-for-dog exchange program will solve all your problems if you are willing to get sued by the RSPCA. Just remember not to feed your laptop any dog food, those dog biscuits are not meant to go into the DVD-ROM drive, idiot!

Nintendo Piiwii

Nobody saw it coming but this is the latest line of laptops available on the market. It boasts Nintendo's very own super infra-red detection technology. The greatest catch is that the Piiwiii does not have a keyboard or a mouse, and you must use a Piiwiimote to control everything! That's right. Think tablet-style except you wave your Piiwiimote mindlessly around the air until you get the desired response.

Beware if you are using this at work! One wrong twist of the handle can suddenly bring your pr0n collection to the top window! Now, you wouldn't want your boss to see that, would you!? The Piiwii is currently undergoing beta tests and will be available for buyage soon at the soft price of $3999.00 USD! A free white carrying case is also included! Why, Nintendo, that really eases the pain!

Now that you have looked at these very select and awesome laptop models, then maybe it's time to choose. We wrote a little questionairre to help you get the one that suits you the most. Here we go:

Choosing the right laptop questionairre

1. Are you gay for Bridget? Y or N or I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS A GUY, I SWEAR

2. Are you very much interested in Naruto yaoi? Y or N or THE SHAME AND GUILT PIERCES MY HEART

3. I am not wearing pants right now. T or F

4. I like new challenges. VERY ACCURATE, ACCURATE, UNSURE, INACCURATE, VERY INACCURATE

5. On a scale of 0-10, note your addiction to World of Warcraft, 0 signifying zero addiction, 10 signifying GUYS GIVE OUR TANKS A CALL WE"RE RAIDING NAXRAMMAS RIGHT FOCKING NOW, FOCK I HAVEN"T SLEPT FOR 2 DAYS BUT I REALLY NEED THE DROPS OK!?>>!>!1111

6. Are you a sexual predator? Y, ONLINE or Y, OFFLINE or SHE SAID SHE WAS 18

7.

8. Did you notice the discrepancy in the lackage of a Question 7? Y or N

9. What race are you?

10. YOUR CHARACTER, IDIOT, NOT YOU.

Once you have done that, carefully apply the quadratic formula to the sum of your answers to the power of half of that multiplied by the value of pi to 314 decimal places. Time to check the results with the chart below to find the perfect laptop for you:

If your answer came out as Ma error, then you are perfectly normal and you have shown you can operate a calculator correctly. A commercial non-fancy laptop would suit you just fine.

If your answer arrived to be Lv61 Undead Shadow Priest, you may want to consider the Hookerbot 5000.

If your results show I hath a bone, then give the Sony Bowiao Robot Laptop Dog a chance.

If you've got a smashed Plasma TV screen, then I suggest you stay away from the Nintendo Piiwii.

And 1f j00 c4I\I r34I) 7I-I15, 7I-I4I\I j00 I\I33d 70 g37 L41I).

Thankyou for TLC Tutorials once again, and I hope with our help you were able to get a laptop (hohohoho dirty pun), you perverted lifeless geek.

TLC puts the C in Monochrome

Mood: So sads T_T
Currently listening to: The sad piano musicks on my flashy flash flash

monochrome

Inspired by MONSTER CHILDREN ISSUE #13.

Sad is the new black.

There is no C in Lawyer

Mood: Hot and sweaty
Currently reading: Sun Tzu's Art of Bullsh*tting

For many years, British comedians have poked fun at the profession of lawyers, always joking that lawyers will have their own collective in the fiery depths of hell. What better way to confirm this rumour than by interviewing the Grim Reaper, whom the undereducated often get confused with his alter-ego, Death, who appears in Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels. We assure you, reader, that our fictional interview was not with the fictional Death but Mr Grim Reaper himself, aka. T3H R3AL D3AL. We at The Letter C regularly keep in touch with the unpopular and infamous, including the Ghost of Richard Nixon, Ronald McDonald and Darth Vader's armor, just to name a few. So one fine day we headed down to the Sydney suburb of Mosman, the residential centre of Australia's most notorious racists and other criminals in denial to access the portal to the hellish realms of the underworld.

The Grim Reaper had agreed to meet us at around 11:30am that morning at the portal entrance, but kept us waiting at least until 1pm in the blazing summer sun. He arrived shortly after with a popsicle in his skeletal hand.

GR: "Sorry to keep you waiting guys. The train was late and then it
wouldn't start when I got on it. I guess I killed the engine. Get it? Ha, ha,
ha."

C: "Ok, Mr Reape-"

GR: "Please, there's no need to be so formal. Call me Death."

C: "Death, is it true that lawyers get 5-star treatment in hell?"

GR: "Actually, I just do the killing. I don't know what goes on down there,
but I've talked to Satan once or twice. My gaydar went off the chart."

C: "What do you like the most about your job?"

GR: "The best part of my job is being famous. Everyone recognizes me and
they love to come up and have a chat to me."

C: "Thank you Death, that's all the time we have for today."

GR: "My pleasure C, anything for a friend."

And so that fateful day we walked away having learnt nothing really new about ANYTHING in particular, but it was great to catch up with good ol' Death because we've been receiving a lot of his postcards from Tijuana and it made us slightly jealous.

We originally made this post to introduce you all to our lawyer, Barry Sterov Larjwun (no relation to superstar Gunther Sven Larjwun). Mr Larjwun has over 50 years of experience, with over 40 of them behind bars. He assured us that no matter what kind of crime we commit, he will get us money. We felt that this was extremely generous and offered him a place on our team that very instant. Barry signed up with The Letter C after we held a fake gun to his head and told him it was real. Not only does he appear in court on our behalf, but Barry will also dress up as a clown if we so request it. His portfolio boasts the following cases (Barry assures us that he won all of these for his clients, but this has only been confirmed by Barry himself):

Murder by fake gun

Murder by XBox head-clubbing

Death-by-vomiting-by-alcohol-overdrinkage

Death-by-accidentally-touching-Poison-Ivy

Infringement of copyright

Infringement of capitalism

Wrongful enforcement of communism

Rightful enforcement of communism

Inflatable hammer hit-and-run

Inflatable jumping castle suffocation

Overkill of bad puns

Fowl play

Illegal whaling

We will be sure to get into lots of mischief now that we have a fine lawyer at our defense.

TLC Crackdown: When unabashed DDR players have sleepovers

I swear I am totally innocent! >_>

TLC Wiki: Heroes (TV series)

Mood: TRICKSTER
Currently listening to: The Bleach OST WHEEEEEE *iwubIchigo*

*Note: This post is a spoof of Wikipedia's article on the "American drama television series", Heroes. Please note that the links are broken on purpose and are only there for decoration purposes. Do not click the links unless you enjoy pressing Back and losing your place.

Heroes (TV series) - Wikipedia, the free and unreliable encyclopedia
Heroes is a shoddy X-Men ripoff, created by Tim "The Unoriginal" Kring, which premiered on NBC on September 25, 2006. The series tells the story of several "people" who "thought they were like everyone else... until they woke up with the desire to become a member of the opposite sex" such as Marilyn Manson, Michael Jackson and Charles Wong (sorry Brian and Michael). These people soon realize they have no role in society and are ostracized by normal humans throughout the series.[1]

The series loosely follows the writing style of failed American comedians by doing short, multi-episode story arcs that build upon a larger, more encompassing arc. It has been noted that this type of program build was taken from the many series of The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers and Naruto (aka. 10% Ninja, 90% Filler). Even with small story arcs that move the story forward, Kring said he mapped out where he intends the show to go for the next five seasons. The wider community feels that Mr Kring was being a tad "ambitious".[2]

When the series premiered in the United States, it was the night's most-watched program among adults 18-49, attracting 14.3 million viewers overall and receiving the highest rating for any NBC drama premiere in five years. A spokesperson for LIER Magazine said that this was, "the largest amount of uncited bullshit ever". [1][3][3][7] When the series premiered in The Letter C's office, police were called to investigate because a Pandasonic 40" plasma television had been thrown out of their 3rd-storey window. It was reported that police did not take much interest in the plasma rifles that were found in the nearby dumpster. [pi]

On October 6, 2006, President of the United States of America George W. Bush announced Heroes was the worst show to ever come on American television. He expressed his outrage at the show picking up for a fourth season.[4] The show is currently on hiatus until January 22, 2007. On January 17, 2007, NBC President Kevin Reilly announced Heroes has been picked up for a second season. The show is expected to be axed soon after the axing of Mr Reilly by an Asian organization (See also: Triad and Inner Circle of Asian Aunties) known as NO LA. [5][6]

Characters

Main article: List of heroes in DotA Allstars

Spoiler warning: Snape kills Dumbledore.

The show features twelve main heroes to choose from. Although DotA-Allstars.com lists only ten characters, Leonard J. Crabs, who first appeared in version 6.29b, was an additional member of the original full-time hero lineup. Later, Jack Skellington was upgraded from being a regular creep to become the twelfth hero as of the version 6.31c Multimode.[6.40]

The main cast, not all of whom have been shown to possess powers, currently consists of:

Mister C (Charles Wong), an Asian aristocrat who struggles against the legal system because he wants to change his real name without having to pay. His super powers have not been revealed as of yet.

Vampire Punter D (D), a compulsive gambling vampire who lives in Transylvania, Romania, Vampire Punter D is banned from over 53 casinos around the world and infamous for his Quasi-Pseudo-Sleight of Hand-esque Trick and Vampiric Aura.

DJ Jayne (Jayne Wong), C's partner in crime, she wields the Permanent Marker of A Thousand Truths and her Sony DJ Headphones protect her from the incessant wailing of the Undead.

Binjimaru (Binja), an ex-mascot with just enough proficiency in speaking Japanglish to confuse his enemies and cause a cranium implosion.

Gwo (Jonathan Ho), the Tic Tac Toe champion of the world. He specializes in DDR-related Ya Mum jokes and has his keyboard's Shift key permanently pressed down.

Leonardo Je Crayfishe (Leonard J. Crabs), a high level Judge portrayed by the fictional lawyer of SomethingAwful.com. His super powers include bullshitting really well and crapping on about nothing in particular.

Young Chuck Norris (Adam Wells), Young Chuck Norris is especially adept at helping young women retrieve their handbags from handbag snatchers. With the input of a secret cheat code, Young Chuck Norris can also use Jedi Mind Tricks.

Chuck Norris (as himself), Chuck Norris is the grown up version of Young Chuck Norris. He can solve a Rubix Cube by just dreaming about it. Chuck Norris starts his day with some light exercise such as benchpressing Planet Earth.

Animef4n (actor unknown), an enigmatic character only known as Animef4n, the only confirmed information about this particular hero is that it's a "he". He is noted for having a larger anime collection than all of the other Anime Club members combined.

Ja'mie King (Chris Lilley), Ja'mie lives in the North Shore of Sydney, New South Wales, but was born in South Africa. Ja'mie is a 16 year old girl and has sponsored 85 Sudanese children for Global Vision (a fictional organisation parodying World Vision), which gave her the National Record. Because of this, Global Vision decided to make her the 'face' of their organisation. [8]

Pure (real name unknown), the hero with the most ambiguous name, nobody can really be sure what Pure is pure of. Pure Evil? Pure Alcohol? It could just be that the writer of this series fell asleep halfway and forgot to write "Suck".

Lifeless (Liero D'Lier), a genetics experiment gone wrong. He regularly lurks personals ads on the Internet in search of the first woman who married his biological father. Lifeless possesses no positive traits and is only recognized by his peers for being able to powerlevel without the use of a bot in World of Warcraft and without taking toilet breaks.

The show also features a large number of guest and recurring characters. A running gag in Heroes is that a character dies every week only to be revived on the third episode of the next month but only once a season and only if ratings are higher than the previous week and only when Jesus has a guest appearance and if there is a scene involving a garbage collector.

Plot
The first four episodes were advertised with the tagline "Cooler than the Power Rangers". At the end of the fourth commercial break of the first episode, an alliterated alien abalone abduction occurs that kicked off the Whale Conservation Campaign of 2006, where the slogan "Save the whales, spear a fat chick" has appeared many times. Viewers presumed this phrase to refer to male cheerleader and ballet dancer Mister C, who has the ability to rapidly injure himself. Beginning at the conclusion of the episode "Tetris," a new tagline appeared, "Do you know how I know you're ghey?" As the characters slowly discover their surnames and the existence of capitalistic billionaire tyrants, they begin to realize the need to come together to sing Kumbayah to prevent the raising of taxes in third-world countries.

According to NBC's official Heroes spoiler, not only do the characters discover the past of their estranged neighbours, but they also uncover a large picture vaguely resembling the Mona Lisa which was used in the filming of The Da Vinci Code (aka. the worst film of 2006; See also: Worst film adaptations ever). The characters become involved in each other's lives as they attempt to get the most screentime. Their greatest adversary is Syllabear, who is a really focking strong hero because he summons a huge bear which stuns you and shit, yo whatup my chig, dun make me pull ma plug (See also: Ebonics).

*Disclaimer: K, no more. I need to sleep for a full day or two.

TLC puts the C in Burning Crusade

Mood: -apem -cson -showdeny
Currently listening to: OWNING!

On the 17th of January, 2007, the geek population of Planet Earth rejoiced at the release of the new World of Warcraft expansion: Burning Crusade. It received a much bigger reception than the XBox 360, with an average of 6 and a half normal people turning up to the local games store to pick up their pre-ordered copy. Geeks were not counted into this statistic as it would make the figures much too large to fit on a single line of text and ruin the blogtrolling experience of our readers.

Casualties were not high at the release, with only 170 reported fatal tramplings of scrawny skinny geeks by their much larger, beefy counterparts. It is also with great shame that we report that the only places to become sold-out of Burning Crusade were the games specialists. Walmart and K-mart and whatnot-mart made more in one day than they did for the entire Christmas season. Yes, it was that exaggerately blown out of proportion.

The original World of Warcraft was first released on November 23, 2004. For a little over 2 years, fans have eagerly awaited Burning Crusade, even before it was announced. Everyone without a life would know that every Blizzard game has an expansion - it's the rule. If you did not know this, then you are the envy of everybody at The Letter C, because life is not something you can so easily gain back after throwing away.

It has been only a little over a day since the release and already the WoW servers have gone down 12 times due to server overload. This downtime has caused Blizzard to make 350% more profit than they expected - running 100+ servers is not a cheap task. As a result from this "unplanned" downtime, every Blizzard employee (including the janitor and his family) is now set for life and can comfortably retire within the next week to enjoy a life in the Bahamas.

Burning Crusade boasts a plethora (yes, plethora) of new features. Only the crappy features were listed during pre-release, but who would have guessed, the geeks came flocking anyway. New additions to the game are listed below:

Players can now order pizza without having to leave the computer with the
/pizza command (reference!).

Players can now go to the bathroom without having to leave the computer
with the /toilet command (nobody knows how Blizzard will implement this).

Blood Elves are now a playable race.

Draenei are now a playable race.

Zergs are now a playable race.

Shadowdancer is now a playable class (to be implemented as soon as
charges of plagiarism against Blizzard are cleared).

Black Knight is now a playable class (to be implemented as soon as charges of racism against Blizzard are cleared).

Players from Asia must now sign a declaration of property-handover to
Blizzard Entertainment (to be implemeneted as soon as charges of communism against Blizzard are cleared).

New item quality of "Really Focking Good" has been introduced.

New profession of Jewelcrafting.

New profession of Witch Hunting.

New profession of Sandwich Repair (reference!).

New profession of Drug Dealing (will be implemented after "Drugged" status effect has been implemented).

Players can now customize the appearance of their characters further to compensate for their acne-covered, overweight real-life counterparts.

Players can now choose the Uglie Nerd avatar as their default appearance.

Blizzard has added a health warning window that pops up every hour to advise players to take a rest. Players will have the option to toggle this warning off.

Server downtime will be more frequent to save Blizzard money and resources.

New servers will be introduced and then scrapped a month later to force players to restart and play more.

Players can now toggle on "Dark Mode" where the whole screen turns black but gameplay continues. Burning Crusade will be the first MMORPG to boast this "gameplay twist".

New 80-man dungeon called Wndwsxp where mobs have a chance of inflicting Blue Screen of Death on attack, permanently taking players out of battle (reference!).

Character levels are now uncapped to further encourage more playing (to be implemented as soon as Blizzard figures out how to fit 3 digits into a space only big enough for 2).

LIER Magazine gave Burning Crusade a 6.2/10 which, relatively speaking, makes it a worse game than Dr Mario on the original Gameboy which scored a 6.3/10. We must keep in mind that Dr Mario was reviewed by LIER 16 years after its release and that 6.3/10 was an extremely generous score. Considering the fact that nobody at the LIER office even plays World of Warcraft, we feel that a great injustice has befallen upon this world. Geeks all over the world have already begun rioting and locking themselves in their parents' basements over this horrible misjudgment.

Several die-hard WoW fans took it to the extreme by threatening to commit suicide using their World of Warcraft CD if LIER Magazine did not change their score. Unfortunately for these sorry individuals, LIER Magazine does not even exist and is simply the name of our fabricated sister-publication. Talk about fighting for a lost cause! Ha, ha, ha, oh mercy. Blizzard Entertainment has also come out and made a statement that their World of Warcraft CDs are child-safe and can cut through nothing except another World of Warcraft CD (ha, ha, ha, this is a reference).

The truth is that Burning Crusade is not really anything special as far as MMORPGs go, but it is however, another testament to the fact that the people in charge of marketting at Blizzard Entertainment are geniuses who have tapped into the minds of lifeless geeks all around the world. Bear in mind that there are actually people who play World of Warcraft who have a life (watch this beautiful 40 minute presentation by Joi Ito, explaining the benefits of World of Warcraft), and that anyone who has an absolute, discriminatory stance against World of Warcraft are stubborn bigots.

I've heard you people say, "World of Warcraft is so bad man, everyone who plays has no life and are sad." In reply, The Letter C offers you a big, "GTFO NOOBTRASH." Now watch that video, pathetic anti-WoW filth. In my objective journalistic stance, I can actually agree with all 40 minutes of that presentation and firmly believe that World of Warcraft is not the child of the devil and actually brings some worth to real life. Check out these statistics (the following statistics and paragraphs are not satire):

If you are the most respected player on the entirety of World of Warcraft,
8 million people will look up to you and respect you.

Very soon, that number will increase to 15 million.

But 6.5 billion people will think you are a loser with no life.

I think that this is horrible reflection on the ungraciousness of normal human beings all around the world. The prevalence of bigotry has increased dramatically over the past few years, most notably after September 11. Anyone who knows me well will know that I am anti-stereotype and anti-labelling. Stereotypes are simply the basis of my satire and my parodies. I am an activist of justice and harmony, a defender of what is right and what is truth. To see those who stand along side me take such an absolute stance on certain minorities is disconcerting and makes me think carefully about who I trust and agree with.

The opposite of bigotry would be tolerance, and that tolerance is something that nobody is born with, as it is with grace. And this is so terribly, terribly wrong. As I write this I wonder what has become of humanity, that the prejudice shown towards people (of all ages, not just teenagers and young adults) who play a video game can be compared to that of the bigotry exhibited towards Muslims or other select religions. The playerbase of World of Warcraft is more diverse than people initially imagine. Priests, US soldiers and housewives are just a few of the many kinds of people who enjoy this game for their own reasons.

*We interrupt this philosophical rant to bring you back to the funneh stuff:

In all honesty, The Letter C is neither for or against World of Warcraft. We ain't be playin' but we ain't be hatin' either. In fact, we encourage at least 2 hours a week, maybe a maximum of 5. If it was free, C would be on it socializing and spending more quality time with his dear brother Reuben. And if you remember our beautiful entry on World of Warcraft, we were only kidding when we said that "WoW" and "life" don't belong in the same sentence. We ain't going back on that XBox remark though.

C is for Yiplove

Yiplove was a project begun near the end of 2005. It was truly the baby steps of The Letter C before Charles decided he wanted to write crap for a living. Made during the skyless above, Yiplove was meant to be a funny prank and a follow-on of the "player" era, when every young boy wished they could be as much of a chick magnet as their idol, Jimothy "The Beryl" "The Suss" "The Player" Yip I (the first).

During the initial writing of the site, several members asked to be taken off from the community as they did not wish to associate themselves with the prank. We offer them our sincere condolences for not knowing at the time that Yiplove would go far beyond than just being a prank and that it would one day become as popular as the Nintendo Wii. Since our leader found his true love and entered into a committed relationship, many of his past students have seeked out the ancient relic that is Yiplove. When the .tk domain for our website expired, people panicked and thought that all this great knowledge would be lost.

It was salvaged on this day and its restoration is already in effect. We estimate that before the week ends, our dating service will receive more subscribers than the newly released expansion for World of Warcraft - Burning Crusade. Yiplove has developed a sort of cult-following since its initial abandonment back in late 2005. For an entire year, the website remained untouched and was almost forgotten. During its early days, Jim did not wish for it to go public, but we think he said it's ok to show it now... Emphasis on "we think".

Without further ado, we present Yiplove in its original form with the addition of the photo gallery, which Chalres had planned right from the beginning but added nothing to for over a year. Enjoy.

Jimothy "The Beryl" "The Suss" "The Player" Yip I (the first) doing what he does best.

Click the pic to visit Yiplove if you haven't already clicked the links.

TLC Crackdown: When journalists don't use their brains

'Failed London bombers' accused of extremist Muslim plot

Mr Sweeney said Omar's one-bedroom flat in New Southgate, north London, was the "bomb factory" and "where the great majority, if not all, of the work required to make those bombs was carried out".

The court heard that the bombs were made of a mixture of liquid hydrogen peroxide and chapati flour, which would burn with the oxygen provided by the hydrogen peroxide. Mr Sweeney said the bomb would be detonated by several grams of triacetone triperoxide (TATP).

Full transcript here: http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200701/s1827427.htm

I saw this news story during dinner tonight. Read the exerpt carefully. This is the result of journalists choosing to report the wrong shit.

Finished reading the exerpt? Ok, let's continue.

I am currently wondering who will take the blame when curious Australian viewers go ahead and try out the "bomb recipe" provided by this news story. Obviously an ABC News journalist did not bother using his/her brain when they wrote this and decided to broadcast it all over Australia during the evening news.

Thanks a lot for quite possibly making Australia a more dangerous place. Maybe nothing will happen over this, but maybe there will. Curious young people might decide to go build their own bomb for kicks and hurt themselves or somebody. Who'll get bashed by the media then? Are they still going to stereotype Muslims as being the only people who do these things? Now everybody who watched that particular segment know what the core components are and can construct their own bomb. Not only so, but both ingredients are available at your local supermarket. Isn't this f-ed up? Oh, soon it won't be "extremist Muslims" blowing shit up, but it'll be random Australian schoolkids.

O shi-, I saw that segment too, and now I know how to build a bomb. I wonder if the journalist did it to raise awareness, or what? This story was about something happening in the UK. Going into the details of how the bomb was made was absolutely unnecessary. There was no need at all to report that, but it was done anyhow. Thanks. Welcome to "the list". The writer of this story is extremely lucky I was too appalled by this news to catch their name.

It is a good thing that the majority of my readers are mature young people. But to broadcast that shit to family televisions around our beautiful country is a true demonstration of how stupid journalists can be. This is an example of how journalism can go terribly, terribly bad.

There is no C in Harry Potter

I believe this conversation occured sometime during the build-up of hype for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (film). So it would have been 2005 or something... I think.

Go figure.

There is no C in Astrology

Mood: In the mood for stargazing
Currently listening to: Jamiroquai - Canned Heat

Astrology is a Greek word meaning "study of the star", taken from aster and logos in its suffix form, logy. It is commonly thought that Astrology was a disease that only occurred in Wapanese - the condition of being unhealthily obsessed with Astroboy anime/manga/merchandise/hentai/confectionary. Since 2005, this disease has been deemed to be terminal, along with the condition of being Wapanese. Anyone can become culturally challenged and possibly survive, but if one becomes insecure as to whether or not one is Japanese, that's what we call "game over".

Stargazing is a rather romantic activity, and can be done with one or two or more people and their pets. It was first popularized by Juliet from William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, and Shakespeare's works were first popularized by Baz Luhrman in his film adaptation of R&J. Juliet is first introduced to viewers stargazing upon the balcony of her bedroom in a billion-dollar mansion. Of course, who can forget the famous fishtank scene in which Leonardo Di Caprio falls in love with Juliet? Many people were confused during their first viewing of this film, and had thought that Romeo (Di Caprio) was just admiring the goldfish. No, nobody guessed that he was actually eyeing the beautiful Claire Danes on the other side of the tank.

Since the release of the film (1996), teenage girls all over the world have dragged their boyfriends to grassy knolls and deserted airport runways to stargaze and appreciate the many constellations in the night sky. Sadly, this activity is impossible in Brisbane because stars simply don't show anymore. Scientists believe it could be due to global warming, religious extremists think it's because the devil is at work and journalists are still trying to make a pun on it to sound intelligent.

Along with the pure-romantic activity of stargazing, there is also a cult following of horoscope reading. Gypsies and Pseudo-gypsies make their living by cashing in on this fad. Based upon the position of the stars and the lining up of zeniths and zephyrs and zoo keepers and whatnot, gypsies and other fictional mythical beings can tell you your future and help you choose what you should have for breakfast.

There is a relatively prevalent urban myth that all horoscopes are a load of crap and about original as an episode of Desperate Housewives, and it is no surprise that The Letter C team were the ones who pioneered this myth. Based on one's "astrological sign", anyone can head down to the Newsagent and check out the morning paper or woman's magazine and find their horoscope. Each person's star sign is assigned based on their birthday. So, let's take a look at our horoscopes for today:

Aries, Mar 21 - Apr 20
Someone special is going to make your day today. This week you will discover a passion for cooking, street racing and gardening in no particular order. It will surely be a good week for you, but only if you don't screw it up by doing something stupid. Don't have too much Coke this week, even if you don't care about your health. You will lose your sense of temperature and save some electricity on air conditioning, prompting you to be nominated for Australian of the Year.

Taurus, Apr 21 - May 21
You will probably find work boring this week. If you don't have a job, you will probably stay unemployed for another while. But don't lose hope, because on the weekend the weather will be perfect to go to the beach. The beach outing will be wonderful, but if you bring a beach ball it's likely that it will get washed out to sea. The shark mating season is also just around the corner, so if someone you dislike is coming to the trip, be sure to encourage them to spend extra time in the water.

Gemini, May 22 - June 21
The stars and moons are perfectly aligned for you, and it's finally the right time for you to come out of the closet. This is your chance to tell your friends you're gay because they're ready for it. Someone's already spread the rumour and opened the road for you. Expect to lose some guy friends over this, but don't be hurt - the hot ones will still stick by you. You may not enjoy your birthday this year so much, because the only thing people are going to buy you are tight pants. Maybe you'll get a g-string if you're lucky.

Cancer, June 22 - July 23
An important business decision awaits you, even if you're working as a casual at Hungry Jacks. Your boss has not been happy with your work ethic lately, and you could only be a day or two from unemployment. The positions of the stars suggest that office work might be more your thing, or not. An Asian friend of yours will definitely go street racing some evening of this week. He is going to end up in hospital too, so take the hint and don't go if he invites you - no, not even if he pays you.

Leo, July 24 - Aug 23
The revenue of your local video arcade will skyrocket this week. This means you'll be spending all your lunch money on Initial D. Your mother really wishes you would renounce this unhealthy lifestyle but she is too distraught to speak to you directly. She will tell your sister to have a talk with you because you won't listen to anyone else in your family. This is likely to happen on Wednesday after you come home. Be prepared with some pre-written apologetic phrases because your mother just bought a new broom with a metal handle for a purpose other than cleaning.

Virgo, Aug 24 - Sep 23
Someone you know is going to bring up World of Warcraft in a conversation this week. If you play it, the stars recommend that you don't mention anything of the sort. It may potentially ruin your future and hinder any chances of you getting a girlfriend - or a life, for that matter. Luckily for you, sometime this week there is going to be a sale on Russian mail-order brides. You might have to go without World of Warcraft for 2 months if you hope to purchase one that's female.

Libra, Sep 24 - Oct 23
No matter what you do, don't forward that chain email you received from your best friend. That stuff about having all your dreams come true is about as believable as today's horoscope for Pisces. If you don't mind your entire address book thinking you're shallow and lawbreaking is your thing, then go for it. Try to obtain the email addresses of prominent political figures and enjoy the moment as they pass a new bill because of your misdeeds. You might want to lie low for a while if you really do go through with this plan.

Scorpio, Oct 24 - Nov 22
Don't even think of going to sing karaoke this weekend - there's going to be vomit all in front of the entrance. Try something more atheletic like panther wrestling or semi-trailer dodging. You might want to get life insurance before you head out onto the freeway. Keep in mind that the insurance company won't cover it if you die wearing a Frogger costume. If the worst case scenario plays out, make sure you go for a lime coloured casket - it'll really match your flattened corpse.

Sagittarius, Nov 23 - Dec 21
The alignment of the planets does not bode well for Sagittarius' during this stellar cycle. No matter what you do, do not have any Chinese takeaway - Saturn is due to escape its orbit and head straight for Earth. It is imperative that you stay away from that sweet and sour pork. The good thing though, is that if the end of the world comes by the collision of intergalactic bodies, we'll know who to blame.

Capricorn, Dec 22 - Jan 20
The stars are really favouring you, because sometime this week you are
going to receive a Nintendo Wii! Our neighbouring galaxies are looking a bit foggy, so we can't tell you if the Wii will be a bomb or a dud or both. We can already foresee your television screen breaking, so remember not to swing that Wiimote too wildly. Your lucky number is 399, it's the first 3-digit lucky number we've ever had. My, we might need to replace our crystal ball sometime soon.

Aquarius, Jan 21 - Feb 19
"Don't bring a knife to a gunfight" best describes this coming week for you. Be prepared for a shocking revelation - your Social Studies teacher is actually an ex-mob leader. But don't get too stressed out because the tuckshop lady won't get shot, so you can continue to enjoy those 20c iceblocks. It might not be such a good idea to get a haircut this week - you never know who's been paid to stab your back, I mean, nobody wants to get stabbed in the back by a gay guy, right?

Pisces, Feb 20 - Mar 20
Today you are likely to have a good day. It may involve meeting the love of your life, winning the lottery or being invited by your favourite celebrity to dinner. But beware of bad luck, as none of the above is guaranteed to happen. Your citizenship might expire suddenly and this will score you a free deportation back to Hong Kong. Make the most of this opportunity to stock up on cute merchandise, but don't buy anything pink - it's your unlucky colour for this week. Hoping for a pink tombstone is taking it a bit far.

Horoscopes for 15 January, 2007 - concocted by yours truly. Damn I'm starting to use the "-" dash a lot. It is a good replacement for the semi-colon because it's not as ambiguous and the rules on its usage aren't so strict. Today I bid farewell to my ex-favourite grammatical symbol.

There is no C in Desperate Housewives

Mood: Adrenaline pumped
Currently listening to: Earth, Wind and Fire - September

Desperate Housewives is about exactly what the title says it's about. It's your run-of-the-mill drama with a sex scene after every commercial break coupled with the occasional bitch slap. The guys in it are never really that hot, but due to a discontinuity issue in the script, the women always want to sleep with them over and over again. No matter how many times they've cheated on their husband with a guy, the story will play out as if it was happening for the first time - every time.

When Desperate Housewives first appeared on commercials, almost every member of The Letter C office thought it was a Japanese-import gone wrong. It was then we noticed this show actually had white people in it, and that it wasn't about overly-diligent and overly-perverted salarymen and their neglected Japanese housewives.

After being forced to watch the entirety of Series 1 and 2 of this sickeningly cliche'd soap opera by our girlfriends, The Letter C was able to carefully analyse the patterns and possible permutations of occurances in this show. About halfway through the first series, we could successfully predict what was going to happen at the end of the show. This conversation took place during the episode My night with Darren:

C: $10 she's going to die.
D: $20.
Binja: Ano... konoj-
gwo: She's going to sleep with him first, and then that other guy, then she is going to die.
C: $15 she's going to die by suicide.
D: $50 on car accident.
C: I bet you my entire Shoujo manga collection that she'll
survive the car accident then kill herself.
Binja: Shoujo? Suki-na...
D: Binja, damare.
C: Ee... baka.
gwo: lol
Icebox: 4Ny0N3 W4N7 A DR1NK?
C: Long Island Ice Tea please.
D: $200 someone will spike her Long Island and she'll
commit suicide.
C: I double on someone spiking my Long Island, an extra $1000 if I kill myself with the lemon slice.
D: She'll die and then Gambit will make an
appearance.
C: How much you willing to wager?
D: $500, my sunglasses, Icebox's power supply and gwo's car.
C: Deal.

Of course, anyone could have guessed what was going to happen in that episode, but for the people who really did want to know the outcome, we aren't going to tell you the exact details because ABC threatened to sue. Not that we care about losing a lot of money and going to jail, of course. The only reason we want to stay away from lawsuits is because it means less time with our Nintendo Wii.

To prove that this show really is written by a random number generator, we locked C in a room with some sheets of paper and he was told to rearrange them in as many ways as possible to serve as script ideas.

We then ran a personality test on every female character and found them to have near-identical results, falling into the category of "Desperate Housewife". Well, I never. It was totally unexpected and for a short while we thought our little experiment was ruined.

When C was released from confinement we had over 18 different possible combinations of events for episode scripts. After comparison with the entire seasons 1, 2 and 3, we noticed that only 3 of these soap opera permutations were actually used, in a same-order cycle. Truly, Desperate Housewives is one of the most unoriginal and worst shows to ever come to Australian television.

At the end of the day, a certain member of our office came out and admitted he was gay for Bridget. Nobody was surprised. Surprisingly, this is not remotely relevant to the rest of this post, because C has run out of content at the 80% from completion mark and fell asleep at the keyboard. There was a lot more, but by random chance, C's head put weight on the exact keys to delete his entire harddrive. This post could have been at least 60% longer (5931 words) and 43% funnier (910 Liers, the measurement for funnehness), but like all geeks, we can blame any shortcoming on technology.

There is no C in Piano

Old wallpaper, drawn by yours truly during the skyless above, my art project of 2005.

The original for 1024x768 desktops


...and a blacker, more emo version for 1024x768

White for 1280x760

Black for 1280x760

TLC puts the C in Secret

Everyone's got their own little secret.

And some people - have played too many Blizzard games.

Napoleon Chynamite

I'm out to prove I got nothin' to prove.

TLC puts the C in World of Warcraft

Mood: # I feel like dancing, dancing! #

Currently listening to: Spice Girls - 2 Become 1

*Plug: C.jpg has been fixed, with all photos sporting the amazing Javascript zooming goodness in working fashion now. Posts shown has been reduced to just 3 to express more minimalism.

The satire begins here:

World of Warcraft is currently the most popular MMORPG in our solar system. However, in neighbouring galaxies, this may not be the case. LIER Magazine posted a report that WoW had reached a playerbase of nearly 25 billion players at the start of 2007. Had this figure not been internationally based and actually taken from the Chinese Bureau of Statistics, then it would have meant that every person in China, yes, every mother, child, communist bastard and homeless bum was playing World of Warcraft. Thankfully, this isn't true and was only suggested for comedy purposes.

The advent of World of Warcraft quickly spawned a neologistic abbreviation to the geek community: WoW. People in real life would actually say, "Do you play WoW?" Lesserly-geeky beings would turn around and give these people weird looks because they are still uncorrupted by the mighty mind-controlling power of the Internet. Yet, as many still believe World of Warcraft is somewhat of an enigma to normal people, the conversation below proves otherwise. Surely, anyone who has touched video games will have heard of World of Warcraft. It's true. Blizzard Entertainment's marketing tactics are simply unmatched, utilizing their every penny. It was rumoured that Blizzard actually got a few hundred dollar bills changed into the US equivalent of the 1 cent coin, and printed the face of a Blood Elf onto the coin as an advertising strategy for the release of the WoW expansion, Bunny Crusade.

Ben says (10:22 PM):
u dun play wow do u?

Charles "La Linguiste" Wong says (10:22 PM):
no i
don't

Ben says (10:22 PM):
$$$

Charles "La Linguiste" Wong says (10:22 PM):
people who play wow give up more than just money
they have to sign a contract and Blizzard gains rights over their soul

Charles "La Linguiste" Wong says (10:23 PM):
i might start playing when i'm 40 though

Yes, this conversation really happened. Ben is by no means a geek, but he is indeed a very social human being. What is horrifying is that any person can simply add in "wow" as a Noun in their conversation and it will instantly register as being World of Warcraft. It isn't even case sensitive. What has become of our world?

Let us compare 2 Google image searches of "world of warcraft" and "wow", respectively:

Yes, this was what our search yielded. As stated before, although normal people (nongeeks) are already familiar with the World of Warcraft/WoW/wow/wOw/o_Oa relation, it would appear that Google is not. For many years, all geeks would stop all their system processes and pray towards Google, believing that Googs (the name we know him by in the ghetto) was an Internet deity of somesort or an all-knowing humanoid billionaire tyrant. We express our sincere condolences to any geeks whose reality has been shattered.

World of Warcrafting has become a new subculture. Back in high school, newly introduced friends would ask pathetically unoriginal questions like, "What kind of sports do you play?" and "What kind of allergies do you have?". But in this new age, people ask, "What server, what level, what race, what class, what guild, and what hours are you available for raiding?" Heck, nobody even goes "a/s/l" anymore. This is the era of World of Warcraft; a new world order has come to pass.

The age of WoW has also brought along a new facet of cybersex (yes, cybaring). World of Warcraft employs an interesting gear system which increasingly powerful sets of items for heroes to wear. They are classified as Tier 1, Tier 2, Tier 3, Epic, Epic Tier 3, Epic: Limited Edition and so on. Items in World of Warcraft are said to be "bound". Players who are the first to pick up these items are stuck with them forever and they are also harder to remove from the hero's body. This poses a new challenge to cybar-savvy World of Warcrafters, in that they have to now wait twice as long for the other party to complete removing their armor for the virtual loving to begin.

The "binding" system has caused much controversy amongst players, due to the number of crappy/useless/racially offensive items that exist in World of Warcraft. An example cited by Noam Mayj (A Study of Gnome Mage Communities in World of Warcraft, 2006) was the inclusion of a weapon called the Yellow-braided Whip of Zen. A large % of the playerbase found this item to be inappropriately named, possibly suggesting that Blizzard had a slight bias for its Asian demographic. There were no complaints received from WoW China or WoW Asia servers. Of course, The Letter C could not just have this story end here. We decided to do some research of our own and were able to confirm that the naming of this item was indeed based on bias. It is no mistake that the weapon was a homage to the Asian community, since approximately 76% of all World of Warcraft players accessed the game from Internet cafes in China/Taiwan/Korea/Japan/Singapore/Malaysia/Hong Kong. Although this evidence was doctored for the sake of our satirical post, The Letter C is quite open and almost certain that it could be true.

Nobody is sure whether the items called Japanese Cup Noodles and Acne Remover were just old items that were never deleted from the database or some horribly sick and tasteless joke. Any hero that has the Acne Remover in their possession gains the "Acne" status permanently and this gives a -50 to physical appearance. Many players wrote complaints to Blizzard because their characters started becoming less attractive than themselves in real life.

Like most decent modern-day MMORPGs, World of Warcraft is "p2p", or pay-to-play. For the soft price of $20 AUD a month, an arm, and maybe a leg, you can start playing World of Warcraft. Blizzard has been kind enough to allow exceptions for the exchange of two legs if players do not wish to lose their arms as this will greatly hinder their World of Warcraft experience. There was an urban myth going around shortly before the start of 2007, that to play World of Warcraft one had to give up his/her soul. Unfortunately, there was another myth that anyone who starts playing WoW was put under a curse of silence by Blizzard, and would never be able to speak of the horrible ravishing of their inner being. Therefore, The Letter C crew are stuck in a conundrum, or paradox, or oxymoron (we know oxymoron is the wrong word). All we can conclude is that "World of Warcraft" and "life" should never occur in the same sentence, in the same way that nobody should ever put "XBox" and "good" in the same sentence, or we will surely give them a beatdown.

TLC refuses to put the C in Defense of the Ancients

Mood: not in the mood for DOTA
Currently listening to: death cry of my own hero

Results from a Google image search of "DOTA".

Defense of the Ancients (commonly called DOTA by ubergeeks) is a custom map for Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne. Considered by any DOTA player to be the best custom map of all time, it is also detested by all normal Warcraft III players. LIER Magazine gave DOTA a rating of 1.618^pi in their weekly Best Warcraft III Custom Map of the Week section for a total of 188 weeks running, which is about the time since the release of the very original DOTA. The rating did not yield a fraction, but ubergeeks rejoiced all around the globe and celebrated in their clan channels on Battle.net.

DOTA is most notorious for having extremely simplistic gameplay. It is the second most skill-less kid's game after Yu-Gi-Oh Cards. A 10 year old can master the game simply by putting in a cheat and choosing the secret hero named Doctor Fitzlollerberg. Many DOTA players are actually inept at controlling their mouse and can only control their single hero at a time. Only expert players actually buy the infamous "DOTA chicken" pictured here: . About 90% of players cannot manage their chicken properly and accidentally end up killing it with their own hero or their own towers. Or, in the worst case scenario, they get their own hero killed with the DOTA chicken because it contracted the bird flu and their hero became diseased and created an epidemic (the bird flu effect was added in Version 69.2bc*d_a-z). Yes, the noobness of ubernoobs is horrifying.

Let's take a look at this pie chart that C drew (C has 2 university degrees in Online Gaming Demographicology, but is unqualified in Visual Statistics Representation Studies):

As we can see clearly from this pie chart, about 80% of people who own Warcraft III play DOTA, and 40% of the whole population play normal WC3, with the last 12.5% using the game for other custom maps (porn maps, hentai maps, Tower Defense, Hentai Tentacle Defense, Hentai Tentacle Tag, Sheep Tag, Tree Tag, Tree Cutting Competition, etc.). Because of DOTA's large following, even after taking into account the difference in timezones, the custom game listing on the WC3 servers are constantly clogged up with DOTA games. Nerds cannot get enough of this map and everyone is always roaring for action (not a sexual reference).

Ubergeeks can also invest in a 3rd-party program called a Banlist, which allows them to see everyone's IP addresses (yes, it's a real hacker's tool) and can then track everybody and ban people who are beating them in the game. Unfortunately, nobody gets punished for the misuse of this program and anybody can use it. We have even contemplated using it to add any patheticly arrogant noobs or "Internet dickheads" (ahem, excuse our language) onto the list.

While DOTA has a huge following, much like emo fashion and Toyota Camrys, there is a large anti-DOTA community out there in the wilderness. C actually once started a DOTA-griefing clan as a joke (this is a true story) with a bunch of WGDFers (Warcraft General Discussion Forum) and we named it after the forum moderator, DatH. Unfortunately for us, DatH is a avid Korean DOTA player and immediately laid down the bannings when he found out we were a DOTA-griefing clan.

griefing, v. /grifIng/
1. The act of ruining the gameplay experience for
others
2. The art of ruining the gameplay experience for others

Such devious misdeeds included quitting games during the countdown, or quitting once the game started. C maintains he did not participate in these (this is true) but always laughed at the stories on the forum. WGDF-induced whining from ubergeeks was regular entertainment for the forumers.

DOTA, like all other Warcraft III custom maps, except for Hentai Montage 5.w3x always receives a update to get rid of bugs and whatnot. This is only one of the 178 reasons why DOTA is the most hated map on all of WC3. Past and present versions include:

DOTA Allstars 6.0
DOTA Allstars 6.36
DOTA Allstars 6.36b
DOTA Allstars 6.36c
DOTA Allstars 6.37a-z
DOTA Allyoucaneat $12
DOTA Pornstars 69.69bg
DOTA Sportstars 2006
DOTA Sportscars R32
DOTA Shootingstars Alpha Centuri
Defense of the Asians
DOTA: Australian Edition
DOTA: UK Edition
DOTA: US Edition (this is a reference, but what reference is it?)
DOTA: Star Wars Edition
DOTA Allstars DOA (Dead or Alive, with 155% more bounce)

Truly, DOTA is one of the seven horrors of the world.

In addition to that, the maker of DOTA, an Australian who was in New Zealand when he made the map (this is true, C actually bumped into the Guinsoo in a game once) has been sued for plagiarism and copyright infringement when he used sound files from Unreal Tournament in his map. The sound clips do not take away the First-Person-Shooter-sickness however, and any FPS player that is forced to play DOTA at tazerpoint will find it very unpleasant indeed. For anyone who actually recognizes the First Blood and Double Kill and Godlike when it plays, my kudos to you. Let's play some classic Unreal Tournament sometime. I mean it.

All that is required to play Defense of the Ancients is a the latest version of Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne and all your dignity. That's right, don't ever expect to get it back. C and jaychouf4n have been administered into a rehabilitation centre where they will play nothing but Pong for 6 weeks. We have received word that C snuck in his PSP and Lumines and will have to repeat the 6 weeks without gaming at all. Oh, sweet mother of Princess Peach!

*Disclaimer: Everything in this post is pure satire except for the parts with a (this is true) tag on it. Even still, those select sentences may very well contain traces of satire and peanuts. Mmm... peanuts. But yes, those statements are indeed true. And yes, C did meet the maker of DOTA in a game and took him out to dinner and one thing led to another and they ended up playing DOTA but then had a fight and never played DOTA together ever again. Oh, cruel fate! OMGAAWD HALP!!! DOTA CHICKEN RAMPAGE!