TLC refuses to put the C in Defense of the Ancients

Mood: not in the mood for DOTA
Currently listening to: death cry of my own hero

Results from a Google image search of "DOTA".

Defense of the Ancients (commonly called DOTA by ubergeeks) is a custom map for Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne. Considered by any DOTA player to be the best custom map of all time, it is also detested by all normal Warcraft III players. LIER Magazine gave DOTA a rating of 1.618^pi in their weekly Best Warcraft III Custom Map of the Week section for a total of 188 weeks running, which is about the time since the release of the very original DOTA. The rating did not yield a fraction, but ubergeeks rejoiced all around the globe and celebrated in their clan channels on Battle.net.

DOTA is most notorious for having extremely simplistic gameplay. It is the second most skill-less kid's game after Yu-Gi-Oh Cards. A 10 year old can master the game simply by putting in a cheat and choosing the secret hero named Doctor Fitzlollerberg. Many DOTA players are actually inept at controlling their mouse and can only control their single hero at a time. Only expert players actually buy the infamous "DOTA chicken" pictured here: . About 90% of players cannot manage their chicken properly and accidentally end up killing it with their own hero or their own towers. Or, in the worst case scenario, they get their own hero killed with the DOTA chicken because it contracted the bird flu and their hero became diseased and created an epidemic (the bird flu effect was added in Version 69.2bc*d_a-z). Yes, the noobness of ubernoobs is horrifying.

Let's take a look at this pie chart that C drew (C has 2 university degrees in Online Gaming Demographicology, but is unqualified in Visual Statistics Representation Studies):

As we can see clearly from this pie chart, about 80% of people who own Warcraft III play DOTA, and 40% of the whole population play normal WC3, with the last 12.5% using the game for other custom maps (porn maps, hentai maps, Tower Defense, Hentai Tentacle Defense, Hentai Tentacle Tag, Sheep Tag, Tree Tag, Tree Cutting Competition, etc.). Because of DOTA's large following, even after taking into account the difference in timezones, the custom game listing on the WC3 servers are constantly clogged up with DOTA games. Nerds cannot get enough of this map and everyone is always roaring for action (not a sexual reference).

Ubergeeks can also invest in a 3rd-party program called a Banlist, which allows them to see everyone's IP addresses (yes, it's a real hacker's tool) and can then track everybody and ban people who are beating them in the game. Unfortunately, nobody gets punished for the misuse of this program and anybody can use it. We have even contemplated using it to add any patheticly arrogant noobs or "Internet dickheads" (ahem, excuse our language) onto the list.

While DOTA has a huge following, much like emo fashion and Toyota Camrys, there is a large anti-DOTA community out there in the wilderness. C actually once started a DOTA-griefing clan as a joke (this is a true story) with a bunch of WGDFers (Warcraft General Discussion Forum) and we named it after the forum moderator, DatH. Unfortunately for us, DatH is a avid Korean DOTA player and immediately laid down the bannings when he found out we were a DOTA-griefing clan.

griefing, v. /grifIng/
1. The act of ruining the gameplay experience for
others
2. The art of ruining the gameplay experience for others

Such devious misdeeds included quitting games during the countdown, or quitting once the game started. C maintains he did not participate in these (this is true) but always laughed at the stories on the forum. WGDF-induced whining from ubergeeks was regular entertainment for the forumers.

DOTA, like all other Warcraft III custom maps, except for Hentai Montage 5.w3x always receives a update to get rid of bugs and whatnot. This is only one of the 178 reasons why DOTA is the most hated map on all of WC3. Past and present versions include:

DOTA Allstars 6.0
DOTA Allstars 6.36
DOTA Allstars 6.36b
DOTA Allstars 6.36c
DOTA Allstars 6.37a-z
DOTA Allyoucaneat $12
DOTA Pornstars 69.69bg
DOTA Sportstars 2006
DOTA Sportscars R32
DOTA Shootingstars Alpha Centuri
Defense of the Asians
DOTA: Australian Edition
DOTA: UK Edition
DOTA: US Edition (this is a reference, but what reference is it?)
DOTA: Star Wars Edition
DOTA Allstars DOA (Dead or Alive, with 155% more bounce)

Truly, DOTA is one of the seven horrors of the world.

In addition to that, the maker of DOTA, an Australian who was in New Zealand when he made the map (this is true, C actually bumped into the Guinsoo in a game once) has been sued for plagiarism and copyright infringement when he used sound files from Unreal Tournament in his map. The sound clips do not take away the First-Person-Shooter-sickness however, and any FPS player that is forced to play DOTA at tazerpoint will find it very unpleasant indeed. For anyone who actually recognizes the First Blood and Double Kill and Godlike when it plays, my kudos to you. Let's play some classic Unreal Tournament sometime. I mean it.

All that is required to play Defense of the Ancients is a the latest version of Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne and all your dignity. That's right, don't ever expect to get it back. C and jaychouf4n have been administered into a rehabilitation centre where they will play nothing but Pong for 6 weeks. We have received word that C snuck in his PSP and Lumines and will have to repeat the 6 weeks without gaming at all. Oh, sweet mother of Princess Peach!

*Disclaimer: Everything in this post is pure satire except for the parts with a (this is true) tag on it. Even still, those select sentences may very well contain traces of satire and peanuts. Mmm... peanuts. But yes, those statements are indeed true. And yes, C did meet the maker of DOTA in a game and took him out to dinner and one thing led to another and they ended up playing DOTA but then had a fight and never played DOTA together ever again. Oh, cruel fate! OMGAAWD HALP!!! DOTA CHICKEN RAMPAGE!