There is no C in Astrology

Mood: In the mood for stargazing
Currently listening to: Jamiroquai - Canned Heat

Astrology is a Greek word meaning "study of the star", taken from aster and logos in its suffix form, logy. It is commonly thought that Astrology was a disease that only occurred in Wapanese - the condition of being unhealthily obsessed with Astroboy anime/manga/merchandise/hentai/confectionary. Since 2005, this disease has been deemed to be terminal, along with the condition of being Wapanese. Anyone can become culturally challenged and possibly survive, but if one becomes insecure as to whether or not one is Japanese, that's what we call "game over".

Stargazing is a rather romantic activity, and can be done with one or two or more people and their pets. It was first popularized by Juliet from William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, and Shakespeare's works were first popularized by Baz Luhrman in his film adaptation of R&J. Juliet is first introduced to viewers stargazing upon the balcony of her bedroom in a billion-dollar mansion. Of course, who can forget the famous fishtank scene in which Leonardo Di Caprio falls in love with Juliet? Many people were confused during their first viewing of this film, and had thought that Romeo (Di Caprio) was just admiring the goldfish. No, nobody guessed that he was actually eyeing the beautiful Claire Danes on the other side of the tank.

Since the release of the film (1996), teenage girls all over the world have dragged their boyfriends to grassy knolls and deserted airport runways to stargaze and appreciate the many constellations in the night sky. Sadly, this activity is impossible in Brisbane because stars simply don't show anymore. Scientists believe it could be due to global warming, religious extremists think it's because the devil is at work and journalists are still trying to make a pun on it to sound intelligent.

Along with the pure-romantic activity of stargazing, there is also a cult following of horoscope reading. Gypsies and Pseudo-gypsies make their living by cashing in on this fad. Based upon the position of the stars and the lining up of zeniths and zephyrs and zoo keepers and whatnot, gypsies and other fictional mythical beings can tell you your future and help you choose what you should have for breakfast.

There is a relatively prevalent urban myth that all horoscopes are a load of crap and about original as an episode of Desperate Housewives, and it is no surprise that The Letter C team were the ones who pioneered this myth. Based on one's "astrological sign", anyone can head down to the Newsagent and check out the morning paper or woman's magazine and find their horoscope. Each person's star sign is assigned based on their birthday. So, let's take a look at our horoscopes for today:

Aries, Mar 21 - Apr 20
Someone special is going to make your day today. This week you will discover a passion for cooking, street racing and gardening in no particular order. It will surely be a good week for you, but only if you don't screw it up by doing something stupid. Don't have too much Coke this week, even if you don't care about your health. You will lose your sense of temperature and save some electricity on air conditioning, prompting you to be nominated for Australian of the Year.

Taurus, Apr 21 - May 21
You will probably find work boring this week. If you don't have a job, you will probably stay unemployed for another while. But don't lose hope, because on the weekend the weather will be perfect to go to the beach. The beach outing will be wonderful, but if you bring a beach ball it's likely that it will get washed out to sea. The shark mating season is also just around the corner, so if someone you dislike is coming to the trip, be sure to encourage them to spend extra time in the water.

Gemini, May 22 - June 21
The stars and moons are perfectly aligned for you, and it's finally the right time for you to come out of the closet. This is your chance to tell your friends you're gay because they're ready for it. Someone's already spread the rumour and opened the road for you. Expect to lose some guy friends over this, but don't be hurt - the hot ones will still stick by you. You may not enjoy your birthday this year so much, because the only thing people are going to buy you are tight pants. Maybe you'll get a g-string if you're lucky.

Cancer, June 22 - July 23
An important business decision awaits you, even if you're working as a casual at Hungry Jacks. Your boss has not been happy with your work ethic lately, and you could only be a day or two from unemployment. The positions of the stars suggest that office work might be more your thing, or not. An Asian friend of yours will definitely go street racing some evening of this week. He is going to end up in hospital too, so take the hint and don't go if he invites you - no, not even if he pays you.

Leo, July 24 - Aug 23
The revenue of your local video arcade will skyrocket this week. This means you'll be spending all your lunch money on Initial D. Your mother really wishes you would renounce this unhealthy lifestyle but she is too distraught to speak to you directly. She will tell your sister to have a talk with you because you won't listen to anyone else in your family. This is likely to happen on Wednesday after you come home. Be prepared with some pre-written apologetic phrases because your mother just bought a new broom with a metal handle for a purpose other than cleaning.

Virgo, Aug 24 - Sep 23
Someone you know is going to bring up World of Warcraft in a conversation this week. If you play it, the stars recommend that you don't mention anything of the sort. It may potentially ruin your future and hinder any chances of you getting a girlfriend - or a life, for that matter. Luckily for you, sometime this week there is going to be a sale on Russian mail-order brides. You might have to go without World of Warcraft for 2 months if you hope to purchase one that's female.

Libra, Sep 24 - Oct 23
No matter what you do, don't forward that chain email you received from your best friend. That stuff about having all your dreams come true is about as believable as today's horoscope for Pisces. If you don't mind your entire address book thinking you're shallow and lawbreaking is your thing, then go for it. Try to obtain the email addresses of prominent political figures and enjoy the moment as they pass a new bill because of your misdeeds. You might want to lie low for a while if you really do go through with this plan.

Scorpio, Oct 24 - Nov 22
Don't even think of going to sing karaoke this weekend - there's going to be vomit all in front of the entrance. Try something more atheletic like panther wrestling or semi-trailer dodging. You might want to get life insurance before you head out onto the freeway. Keep in mind that the insurance company won't cover it if you die wearing a Frogger costume. If the worst case scenario plays out, make sure you go for a lime coloured casket - it'll really match your flattened corpse.

Sagittarius, Nov 23 - Dec 21
The alignment of the planets does not bode well for Sagittarius' during this stellar cycle. No matter what you do, do not have any Chinese takeaway - Saturn is due to escape its orbit and head straight for Earth. It is imperative that you stay away from that sweet and sour pork. The good thing though, is that if the end of the world comes by the collision of intergalactic bodies, we'll know who to blame.

Capricorn, Dec 22 - Jan 20
The stars are really favouring you, because sometime this week you are
going to receive a Nintendo Wii! Our neighbouring galaxies are looking a bit foggy, so we can't tell you if the Wii will be a bomb or a dud or both. We can already foresee your television screen breaking, so remember not to swing that Wiimote too wildly. Your lucky number is 399, it's the first 3-digit lucky number we've ever had. My, we might need to replace our crystal ball sometime soon.

Aquarius, Jan 21 - Feb 19
"Don't bring a knife to a gunfight" best describes this coming week for you. Be prepared for a shocking revelation - your Social Studies teacher is actually an ex-mob leader. But don't get too stressed out because the tuckshop lady won't get shot, so you can continue to enjoy those 20c iceblocks. It might not be such a good idea to get a haircut this week - you never know who's been paid to stab your back, I mean, nobody wants to get stabbed in the back by a gay guy, right?

Pisces, Feb 20 - Mar 20
Today you are likely to have a good day. It may involve meeting the love of your life, winning the lottery or being invited by your favourite celebrity to dinner. But beware of bad luck, as none of the above is guaranteed to happen. Your citizenship might expire suddenly and this will score you a free deportation back to Hong Kong. Make the most of this opportunity to stock up on cute merchandise, but don't buy anything pink - it's your unlucky colour for this week. Hoping for a pink tombstone is taking it a bit far.

Horoscopes for 15 January, 2007 - concocted by yours truly. Damn I'm starting to use the "-" dash a lot. It is a good replacement for the semi-colon because it's not as ambiguous and the rules on its usage aren't so strict. Today I bid farewell to my ex-favourite grammatical symbol.