There is no C in Desperate Housewives

Mood: Adrenaline pumped
Currently listening to: Earth, Wind and Fire - September

Desperate Housewives is about exactly what the title says it's about. It's your run-of-the-mill drama with a sex scene after every commercial break coupled with the occasional bitch slap. The guys in it are never really that hot, but due to a discontinuity issue in the script, the women always want to sleep with them over and over again. No matter how many times they've cheated on their husband with a guy, the story will play out as if it was happening for the first time - every time.

When Desperate Housewives first appeared on commercials, almost every member of The Letter C office thought it was a Japanese-import gone wrong. It was then we noticed this show actually had white people in it, and that it wasn't about overly-diligent and overly-perverted salarymen and their neglected Japanese housewives.

After being forced to watch the entirety of Series 1 and 2 of this sickeningly cliche'd soap opera by our girlfriends, The Letter C was able to carefully analyse the patterns and possible permutations of occurances in this show. About halfway through the first series, we could successfully predict what was going to happen at the end of the show. This conversation took place during the episode My night with Darren:

C: $10 she's going to die.
D: $20.
Binja: Ano... konoj-
gwo: She's going to sleep with him first, and then that other guy, then she is going to die.
C: $15 she's going to die by suicide.
D: $50 on car accident.
C: I bet you my entire Shoujo manga collection that she'll
survive the car accident then kill herself.
Binja: Shoujo? Suki-na...
D: Binja, damare.
C: Ee... baka.
gwo: lol
Icebox: 4Ny0N3 W4N7 A DR1NK?
C: Long Island Ice Tea please.
D: $200 someone will spike her Long Island and she'll
commit suicide.
C: I double on someone spiking my Long Island, an extra $1000 if I kill myself with the lemon slice.
D: She'll die and then Gambit will make an
appearance.
C: How much you willing to wager?
D: $500, my sunglasses, Icebox's power supply and gwo's car.
C: Deal.

Of course, anyone could have guessed what was going to happen in that episode, but for the people who really did want to know the outcome, we aren't going to tell you the exact details because ABC threatened to sue. Not that we care about losing a lot of money and going to jail, of course. The only reason we want to stay away from lawsuits is because it means less time with our Nintendo Wii.

To prove that this show really is written by a random number generator, we locked C in a room with some sheets of paper and he was told to rearrange them in as many ways as possible to serve as script ideas.

We then ran a personality test on every female character and found them to have near-identical results, falling into the category of "Desperate Housewife". Well, I never. It was totally unexpected and for a short while we thought our little experiment was ruined.

When C was released from confinement we had over 18 different possible combinations of events for episode scripts. After comparison with the entire seasons 1, 2 and 3, we noticed that only 3 of these soap opera permutations were actually used, in a same-order cycle. Truly, Desperate Housewives is one of the most unoriginal and worst shows to ever come to Australian television.

At the end of the day, a certain member of our office came out and admitted he was gay for Bridget. Nobody was surprised. Surprisingly, this is not remotely relevant to the rest of this post, because C has run out of content at the 80% from completion mark and fell asleep at the keyboard. There was a lot more, but by random chance, C's head put weight on the exact keys to delete his entire harddrive. This post could have been at least 60% longer (5931 words) and 43% funnier (910 Liers, the measurement for funnehness), but like all geeks, we can blame any shortcoming on technology.