C is for Commitment

Mood: Mushyromanticsquishywub (L)w(L)
Currently listening to: Aya Hirano - God Knows

This article containing quality relationship advice was written by Dr Luigi
D'facto and edited by The Letter C.

There was a young couple I once knew who only just began their relationship. The girl got a pet kitten a little while into their relationship. The guy wouldn't go near it and threatened to bail. She had named it Commitment. Of course, after many reformations of tradition and BGR (boy girl relationships), commitment isn't just something that guys try to dodge by changing the subject with their girlfriends. Most guys of the modern era would much rather turn gay than enter a committed relationship with a girl, out of fear of getting abducted by aliens and/or having to leave the house and being exposed to sunlight.

Commitment does seem rather daunting, possibly because that 90% of males cannot articulate the word and the 95% of those guys don't know what it means. Too often I hear my lady friends complain about their boyfriends who say, "Huh, com-mit-what? Is that a Korean sidedish?" The fact that these unknowing males confuse the word with a Korean sidedish is a great blow to my faith in my own gender.

Commitment could mean one of several things in a relationship. For one, it could simply be picking her up on time for your date or waiting for her to arrive even if she's 2 days late. A committed gentleman will stand in the rain for up to an entire week if his beloved does not arrive for any reason, and he will not call her either, so as not to appear a desperate perverted geek. Depending on the female partner, whether she is a black belt in Karate or meek Japanese schoolgirl, she may or may not open a can of whoop-ass in your direction if you fail at any of the above.

Secondly, commitment means paying for everything. Remember the golden rule: Girls love money and pink things. If at any time she has to fork out just 5 cents for anything, it's over. Letting her pay is recognized as taboo in 57 world countries. In a select 12 countries around the world, you may even get arrested and put into prison if you don't treat her like she's a cheapo. Remember, if she says she wants something, even if a really jokingly way and after she asserts, "I was just kidding!" more than 5 times, be prepared to whip out that credit card faster than she can whip out her whip (no pun intended). Unfortunately, applying for a second credit card for her sake will not suffice, because girls are always wanting to know if you're really listening. And also because they enjoy torturing those of the male gender. I speak from experience when I say it is more the latter than the former.

Commitment also includes acting like a total jackass so that she appears cultured in your presence. You must act more stupid and immature than her at all times, even if it means getting suspicious looks from the security guard standing a few metres away. Inability to comply with this standard of commitment probably wouldn't make a whole lot of difference anyway because you require no effort to bring out the jerk in yourself. If this is the case, then ask yourself: Why hasn't she dumped me? You should be cautious from now on. Either she is after nothing but your money, or she might be a zombie who is after nothing but your brain (unfortunately for her, if you are male you are probably lacking in that department).

A committed gentleman will always listen to his lady and somehow always be able to remind her that she's special to him. A perverted gentleman will always pretend he's listening but have his eyes fixed on her cleavage. This is also known as the "epic fail". Nodding at irregular intervals and grunting incessantly will not make a good impression on your lady, as she will be quick to pick up on your tactlessness. When your relationship has reached this stage, it may be too late to secure some health insurance. According to recent statistics, only 10% of males will survive the ass-whooping delivered to them for not listening, and only 2% of these will still be able to have children. A staggering figure of only 0.6% will get to tell their grandkids, and only 0.018% will admit to getting beat up by their girlfriend on the first date.

Please mail your dating questions addressed to Dr Luigi D'facto at the following address:

214 Love Tunnel Lane
Dumpville 4411
Queensland, AUSTRALIA