There is no C in Youtube

Ah, Youtube is surely the household name of the 21st century. Everyone's heard of and visits Youtube on a regular basis - your next door neighbour, your next door neighbour's pet doberman, eskimos and the like included. And at the same time there appear to be just as much a variety in the producers of the videos too. Ever seen that video of Robert Aevin getting probed up the ass by Martians? Yes, even the Martians have access to Youtube.

When Google bought out Youtube, the world was shocked. Even the non-geek population was shocked. Housewives started asking, "Does this mean Google-brand breakfast cereal is just around the corner? Will it taste like binary?" This isn't the first time Google stopped the world in its tracks. There have been other occasions, like the one time the search engine died and school children all over the world could not copy and paste anymore content for their assignments. It was a grand exposure of the true quality of Australia's education system.

Youtube is infamous for having a collection of every episode of LOST that has ever aired, and 60% of the site's subscribers threatened to boycott if this blasphemy was not atoned for. In fact, the variety of video content available is so vast, that the only videos missing from Youtube are clips from Hardcore Japanese Pron Babes XXX Vol. 5 (dear friend of The Letter C, TK Wang, confirmed this for us). The craze of "Youtub-ing" has taken the world by storm, so much that the teenagers of today's society no longer visit Internet cafes to play Counter-Strike together, but rather to enjoy an intimate session of watching stand-up comedy on Youtube with their friends and schoolmates. It's as if Youtubing is a prohibited activity at home or at school, comparable with smoking marijuana in an aeroplane bathroom.

We interviewed several people to get their opinion on the situation.

Kim Kim-Kim, a South Korean mother of three said, "Oooooo... my children..
they watch sad Korean drama on computer all day and we never have quality
family time! It's OK to miss school, but quality time with family number one...
Youtube is a bad!"

Arthur Arthurson, renowned movie director said, "Youtube is great, now I
can save at least 1 million on my budget for clowns, beer and hookers, in that
order."

Invader Zim was unavailable for comment.

There can be no doubt that Youtube is the way of the future - the way of eternal fiery burning and violation of copyright laws.

TLC puts the C in Amazing Race

Truly, truly, Amazing Race is one of the greatest reality shows to come onto Australian home television screens. The gameplay is fast paced, jam-packed and contains more reality show competition cliche's than colloquialisms (sp?) in this freakin' sentence. In Amazing Race, every participant is a winner, even if you don't win. For the superficial, it's a sure way to get your face onto television for many appearances. Well, except for if you're really ugly or a real tight ass, then it's very likely people will like you less after they see you on the show. It is bound to create some tension amongst your friends who are better-looking or more money-hungry than you, provided you have any at all.

Be warned, however, that the Amazing Race is not a game that can be easily emulated for your own recreational purposes. There are way too many factors that can seriously ruin the game, and in the worst case scenario, someone may drop their icecream on the grass and be forced to lick it back up, simply because the instructions demanded it. But do not be worried, if the participants are of Asian heritage, you can be pretty damned sure they WILL lick up that icecream, because there is no way true Asian would spend $2.00 for another icecream cone.

When you are creating minigames for your very own Amazing Race, be sure not to include tedious tasks like setting a new Guiness World Record. Trust us, that kind of quest is impossible and your production team will get fired quick because you will blow your budget. Be sure to get the participants to do fun things, or they will get bored and your ratings will go to the rocks. Get them to try something exotic, like firebreathing, Russian Roulette with an RPG, driving down the highway in reverse gear, or even just eating a live scorpion. Such events are bound to attract a large audience and also the raver community.

Of course, at the end of the race, the winner should be awarded with a prize. Stay away from the really generic stuff, like roses and chocolate; nobody in the world wants to receive those for any reason anymore. There are so many easy ways to make your Amazing Race stand out from all the rest of the wannabes. Useful prizes like a lifetime supply of condoms will definitely score you a ready supply of willing competitors for next season. Just beware: do not offer a lifetime subscription to World of Warcraft, you don't want a plethora of uglie nerdling geekoids applying for your show - seeing "Jedi" as someone's religion is funny the first time, but never again.

I would think of a really witty rhyming pun to Amazing Race to make fun of the show, but I won't because I only have an IQ of 79.

TLC puts the C in Slashfiction

According to LIER magazine's yearly census, slashfiction ranked as the highest form of literary entertainment of 2006 for young insecure boys, perverted teenage girls and yet-to-be-convicted pedophiles. The genre of sSlashfiction first spawned from a typo in a Mills and Boons romance novelette. Though the word "her" was misprinted as "his" on all 220 pages, this little misdeed was regarded as an accident by the printing company. The cover of the book promised intense man-on-woman action, but desperate housewives and adolescent girls all around the world got a taste of nothing but this morning's breakfast in their mouth.

Back in the day when people were not very open about homosexuality, slashfiction was the only way that gay young men could express their wildest fantasies over the Internet, as chatrooms were still monitored by the FBI for any signs of gay activity. Nowadays, those very same FBI agents are busy pretending to be underage girls to lure pedophiles into an orange prisoners' uniform. Today, slashfic'ing is a widely accepted hobby, and even found in popular culture. Check out this exerpt from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Boner:

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you
stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his
hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils. He
bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what
looked like lumpy gray glue.

Even J. K. Rowling could not resist the temptation of adding some "slash" into her "fic". A quick look at C's My Document's folder suggests that Naruto and Hannibal Lector are currently the most popular subjects of slashfic'ing, with Kingdom Hearts being one of the least slash'd media. We think it is most likely because that in Kingdom Hearts, the heroes look like girls and the heroines are actually attractive enough to make a gay boy question his homosexuality and hot enough that a glimpse at their perfect CG body would make the gayest teenage boy's boner reach the moon.

For anyone who's eager to experiment with slashfiction, whether it is using it as sexy-time material or becoming the next world-famous slashfiction writer, here are a few tips for you:

1) Always make sure it is 18+
2) There must be at least 3 male characters, with at least 2 of them under 13
3) There should be 4 paragraphs just describing their emotions when staring dreamily into each other's eyes
4) Girl characters turn out to be boys in disguise
5) Older brother and younger brother action will definitely win you an Oscar

Attached at the end of this post is one C wrote earlier. We warn that your innocence may be abruptly taken away from you and you may expel your most vital internal organs via your oral cavity during chapters 2, 6 and 13. If you do not wish to read 800 words on just the description of a twinkie, we recommend you skipping chapter 4. Happy slashfic'ing.

tlc_slashfic.txt (2.4Mb)

















That's right, there is no attached slashfic, you filthy pervert.

TLC puts the C in Asian haircut

For your average Asian male between age 13-21 there is nothing like ditching your crappy whitey's blade cuts and flat tops and converting to an Asian hairdresser. When you step inside that door, and that promiscuous-looking intern massages your scalp with up to 4 different chemical substances, you will know and realize - this isn't going to be cheap. Remember the very first time when he unsheathed his clippers from his large array of scissory and maybe gave you a wink in the mirror? Yes, he was wearing a wedding ring, and no, he was not married to a woman.

The routine is simple; they wash your hair, you sit down, the hairdresser opens up a Japanese/Korean magazine and you pick a hairstyle. It should be noted that getting Takuya Kimura's haircut will NOT hide your ugliness from the world. Most of the time, a simple haircut will require a decent Asian hairdresser to use up to 4 different types of scissors, but in some match-ups may require to use the rest of their cooldowns.

Asian boys should beware - going into an Asian salon will almost always result in you coming out brandishing the infamous was-cool-maybe-back-in-high-school Asian mullet. Fashion analyst and self-proclaimed metrosexual Clay Clayson tells us that this hairstyle is a double-edged sword of sorts. If you are looking to impress a young lady with this haircut, you better hope she doesn't care about looks. If she doesn't care about looks, then she is most definitely after your money. If you lack both, it is very likely she is lesbian.

In addition to a wild hairdo, all hip Asians should invest in hair colouring to disassociate themselves with their heritage. As of 2005, it was no longer cool to have black hair because that's when the Emo movement began and unfortunately for us Asians, our hair was just too freakin' black. A shade of brown with some blonde highlights is generally acceptable, but if you go for something like fluoro green, you are bound to lose more than just friends. Do not be surprised if your parents will not let you back inside the house. Don't worry, I'm sure they think you look fantastic - it's just that they can't recognize you.

How much should one expect to fork out for a little self-esteem? Well, if you sported a cheesy bowl cut prior to your "made in China" transformation, it is unlikely you had advanced very far in the food-chain of life. In this case, this haircut may cost you your life savings and most if not all of your innocence. Now that you look like an Asian gangsta, you will be expected to act like one by not only your peers, but also your school teachers and personal butler. Be prepared for many parent-teacher meetings.