TLC puts the C in myspace

Mood: Don't know.
Currently listening to: The Late Tupac Shakur - Picture Me Rolling

First of all, I urge you to read Uncyclopedia and Encyclopedia Dramatica's (both are linked respectively) articles on MySpace. Have chloroform on a rag somewhere nearby as you may laugh so hard, like myself, and need some sort of quick sedation, lest you begin to feel a slight pain in your stomach which means it is going to asplode! That big scoring list just made me laugh so hard I think I may need psychiatric help. My neighbour heard me and he must have called the cops or something.

Sup. I is here, and dis is me myspace. I is down wit' da gangsta talk, chiggaz. Now there be two types of peeps yo: there be the ones who likes da myspace, and those who don't. My brother Gwo happens to be the type that ain't be likin' the myspace, but we wants to be keepin' in touch wit' our brothers n' sisters, ya kno'.

So I been signed up to da myspace, and I been writin' up 'bout myself n' my brother ya kno', n' I been thinks it might be funny if we be posin' as da Asian gangsta. N' so I did; me put some hot pic of myself on da page n' put a song by the late Tupac for folks to listen in. We be makin' up stories 'bout da gangsta development, 'bout how we been totally shizzin' it. N' of course you gots to be stickin' up a photo of me in jail.

Now, the two paragraphs above will be rewritten in proper English, because gangsta talk is a hell lot more hard to type than it is to read. And it is pretty damn hard to read.

Our goal? To get past the 200 friends milestone and to make our "Asian gangsta" image believable. We don't care if all those models happen to be 40 year old perverted men. Bets have already been placed against the possibility that they are really beautiful, voluptuous women. They inhabit our friends list purely for decoration. On a side note, their pages really lag a lot because of the crap that they, the "computer illiterate", have placed on their page.

So far, it would appear that this Asian gangsta image is succeeding. And it also seems that these myspace models are not really models. The data we are collecting totally disagrees with a study conducted by the Recognized And Credited Internationally Shunned Tribual of Scientists in 2003, titled "The inverse correlation of interactions between white women and Asian men, and white men and Asian women". According to RACISTS (2003), white women are very unlikely to notice Asian men, and the average percentage of rejection of an Asian male by a white female (in the U.S) is around 96%. Based on the analysis provided by RACISTS, we can be certain only 4% of Asian males who pursue a friendship or relatiionship with a white woman will actually succeed. If these white women were really 21 year old models living in Alabama, then it is unlikely that they would even consider adding some Asian kid onto their Myspace friends list (which is sacred in some Scientologist countries). However, since they have, it can only mean one of two or both of these things: Our Asian gangsta image is the beautiful rainbow of win, and/or that there are 40 year old men posing as American pornstars on the Internets (Well, this is certainly new!).

Now, if I, Charles Wong, mighty troll of the Internets were any less of a troll that I am, I would have been the overly honest noob who would stick on my profile a less-than-attractive photo of myself or my colleague and write some down-to-earth statement about my background on my page. However, being a denizen of the Internets who possesses an incredibly trollish might, I upload a picture of myself in my metrogear, holding a bottle of expensive wine (which was actually Ribena), bein' a poser with the bling and the gangsta hand signal. For your information, no, that bottle was actually not Ribena and was indeed real wine. It was a poor shame that I did not have the necessary equipment to unseal it.

My associate Gwo, being a great mathematician, has devised a formula for Power on the Internets. Let's hope I can fit it on one line.

If you are male:
( Pic of yourself that has "wealth" written all over it + believable story of
your real life fame and achievements + background music that a real man would listen to ) * your
falsely presented annual income = Power on the Internets

If you are female:
Pic of yourself ^ the amount of skin you're showing = Power on the
Internets

If you are male, but are horribly perverted and/or is a sexual predator and must pretend to be a female:
Pic of woman found on image search or light pornography site ^ (
attractiveness of .jpg + filename of .jpg ) = Power on the Internets

And also one last amazing observation I have made after my light trek
through the depths of Myspace...

If you are male or female, but only have an IQ of
40:
Believing you could pass off a semi-nude picture of actress Jessica Alba as
your own = Fail

Disclaimer: The Letter C claims that Gwo did not write anything on this post or on our Myspace page. All content found on this blog and our Myspace is purely original. Any resemblance to real characters or real information can be blamed on Satire. If you require to file such a lawsuit against Satire. I cannot disclose Satire's gender or first name, so I suggest you do a Google search on satire. It may very well be that Satire's first name is actually MAD Magazine, as I have always suspected.

And once again, if you were a disobedient rebel child and did not read Uncyclopedia and Encyclopedia Dramatica's (both are linked respectively) articles on MySpace like I told you, do so or something terrible will happen! If you send this email to another 50 people, you will meet the love of your life tonight! If you don't, your love life will be ruined! Boo hoo.