TLC Tutorial: Using 1337speak in real life

Mood: Dull
Currently being: Dull

Foreword
So, young geek, you want to use 1337speak in real life do you? My gosh, you really need to get laid! Anyways, the linguistic professionals at The Letter C have over 26 years of experience in 1337speaking, even before the Internet came into being! Yes, we were there as the forefathers and founders of 1337ism and now we are going to teach you how to use your second language in a new environment which we call: outside.

First of all, before you actually go out there into the big world, you'll have to answer a few simple questions to see if you're ready:

1. What colour is the sky?

2. What is the telephone number of Dominos Pizza?

3. What is a girl?

4. When do you plan to move out of your parents' basement?

If your answers included anything of the following:

1. Is that the thing with legs?

2. /pizza

3. OMG COOTIES *scream*

4. Not until I'm 40

Clearly if you answered with any of the above, you are not ready to go venture outside of your room, but we're going to encourage you to anyway, because it'll make you look like a jerk and we will get a good laugh out of that.

Part 1: Knowing your 1337speak
Now, we can only assume you have been a geek for many years now, so 1337speak is well and truly flowing through your bloodstream, as well as life-threatening amounts of Coca-Cola. What is important to note is, that certain 1337speak words are not accepted in certain places and social contexts.

For example, when you are lining up to enter the pub or night club, do not call the bouncer a noob, because it is very likely he got his bouncer training by playing lots of Tekken. This will make you very sorry indeed and is one of the rare times when 1337speak crosses over into the real world and unsuspect people can understand you.

Make sure you have thoroughly ingrained your lexicon with the latest and hippest 1337speak terminology. It will boost your nerd stat by +5000. It may also lower your hunk stat by something close to a million, but this is not a big loss compared to what you will gain from the real world.

Words that will surely pwn in real life include, pwned, owned, 1337, h4x, imba, ownage, pwnage, zwnage, zwned, pwning, owning, lol, lawl, rofl, roflmao, lmao, lulz, lolx, lolz, lols, lollerskates, roflcopter, lollerbomb, lmaosandwich, cybar, hawt, noob, newb, nubcaek, nubcake, nubcheese, nab, fock, gtfo, XD, gg, gl, hf, no re, j00, j0, 0j, noobtrash, noobgarbo (only when talking to a bogan), fail (only use this when you feel irony will get you the upper hand in the social context) and many, many more.

Part 2: When to use 1337speak
The first thing to remember is that many people out there have never heard 1337speak in real life. Use this to your advantage to show that you are funny, confident, and intelligent. Women are sure to flock in your direction when they hear a sentence like, "lol i liek pwned that n00b." Once they display interest in you, you'll have some explaining to do. Imagine this scenario:

You: "so liek wana makeout lawl lulz"

Girl: "You hardly know me and you're using statements... I think questions are so impersonal, when guys ask me questions about myself, I find it lame. Gosh, you are so romantic."

You: "lol kk so liek let's makeout"

Girl: "I don't even know what you're saying but I want you to maul my face off."

There you have it. This is how 1337speak works in real life. Rest assured, it will not work with every girl you meet, and 80% of the time it is likely to work on guys more than girls. Although 1337speak is infallible, beware of the backfire effect. You may wish to seek out TLC Tutorial: How to resist unwanted sexual advances from a gay man to save your ass if that does occur.

Part 3: Articulating 1337speak
Normally, as you geeks type away on AIM or IRC, you never have to open your mouth. But now that you're out in the real world, be prepared to actually talk. Remember to not stutter as you throw out the 1337est 1337speak you have ever known of, otherwise people will see through your mask and see the real you - the filthy lifeless geek that you are.

Be proud of your heritage and say it loud. "LOL" and "NOOB" work best but not in public. You just might get your ass whooped. While you're busting out awesome rhymes in 1337speak, take note to not mention that you play World of Warcraft. This will instantly render you an outcast in society. You have been warned.

Don't get ahead of yourself and think you've benchpressed the world. There will be security guards and policemen nearby who you will also need to gain the favour of. Just like the emos/goths who sit around the mall, you also belong to an enigmatic minority and will be discriminated and face large amounts of injustified prejudice.

Part 4: 1337speak over the phone
This one has always been just another one of C's lame jokes. "I can articulate 1337speak over the phone," always got some unenthusiastic wow's back in high school but it simply isn't funny anymore. But this is a forsaken artform, forgotten many years ago during Clan War II.

An era before the Internet, 1337speak was done over the phone on landlines back when it was cool. The advent of e-mail saw this die out, and only a select few geek elders know how to do this properly. There was also a time when 1337speak was spelt in full as 13375P34l<. Damn that was annoying. It was much harder to articulate, but at the time, FBI agents were after us for a gay cybersex conspiracy, and to cover up we had to change our spelling conventions every second call and say 1337 (both as "leet" and "one-three-three-seven") in a different language everyday. We experienced braindeadness just before we got to Elvish.

Part 5: When 1337speak goes too far
If at any time your antics cause anyone to shout, "RAPE!" Be prepared to run. Unfortunately for you, this is the real world and you can't just cast invis on yourself or summon a mount. Hopefully you participated in the sports carnival back in high school, but chances are you've sat in front of your computer for the past 5 years without moving your legs and your muscles have greatly deteriorated. If this is the case, do not run - you will just look like a pathetic r-tard.

When you are being dragged away by police, do not shout "noobtrash" in their face. It will certainly incriminate you further and make your future life in prison very miserable in deed. At no time should you call the judge a "noob" and tell the prosecuting lawyer to "stfu".

Afterword
Well young geekling, now you are ready to take on the world. The golden rule is: never ask a guy for cybar, and never tell your World of Warcraft buddies know you've been out of the house and into the sun. They will disown you for treason.