There is no C in The Legend of Zelda

Mood: In the mood to go slash some grass/chickens

Currently: Slashing some grass

The Legend of Zelda has been an ongoing neverending cycle of love, tragedy, and chicken-slashing. No matter how many Zelda games have been released, the princess herself just never escapes beyond the horizon into the sunset with her hero Link. Sometimes we wish that Link would just get the hint and get with her already but unfortunately he is what we call a "silly boy" and has no idea that Zelda is totally hot for him.

The Zelda games are not like your normal RPG and boasts some pretty unique features - such as the ability the use a boomerang as a weapon (this one really appeals to the bogans and kangaroos) and also being able to pick up a chicken and fly around the world in 80 days. If you happen to be a sadistic bastard and get the urge to kill the chickens, then that feature is also available to you after you turn on the option of Mature Content. While in this mode, chickens will really die and the grass will not grow back, along with Link appearing as Adult Link (yes, that was some innuendo).

The series of games usually incorporated some puzzle-solving as well as your typical hack-and-slash action. These puzzles were incredibly difficult and a minor 8% of players who played Zelda ripped off their scalps because of the frustration of being unable to figure out a simple "1+1=2". You have to admit, Hyrulean is very hard to read and will cause anyone to shoot themselves if they try to understand it. One puzzle in a particular title was escaping from a hentai rope demon, pictured on the left.

The greatest thing about the Zelda games is that there is always a pun in the game tagline with "link" in there somewhere. It can be seen in the following examples:

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening (no pun detected)
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (no link detected)

Well, that sure went well. But the main point of this article is to point out the social issues that the Zelda games address and how it can affect the growing teenagers of today's society. In almost every single Zelda game, Link starts his adventure waking up from an epileptic seizure from playing too much DDR. This is a symbol of the rave parties that today's teenagers and young adults go to. The lesson that Nintendo wants people to learn is that Link is a sissy nancyboy and that ravers are just the same if they do not break away from their Ecstacy addiction.

Secondly, in the first town that players encounter, there will always be a "girl next door" figure. She is the symbolism of temptation. As players will know, before Link was even born, he made a vow in his mother's womb (who's identity has never been revealed) to marry Princess Zelda and have 12 children with her, in a ratio of 5:7, male to female respectively. The "girl next door", usually named Sara or something equally dull, will almost always have a crush on our hero Link. Throughout the game, Sara will appear with less and less clothing every time you return to town and it is just "David and Bathsheba" waiting to happen. Players are always given the option to start an affair with Sara and greeted with a big GAME OVER if they do so. Due to the alarming rate of de-facto relationships amongst 15 year olds in today's society, Nintendo has taken it into their own hands to teach our children about true love and commitment, something that they know nothing about.

The princess Zelda is a metaphor for the sneaky ninja. A common myth is that ninjas only exist in Japan, but the fact that their presence is not noticed in any Western countries is a testament to their true ninjary. Nintendo created the character Zelda as a political statement and is a warning to the government leaders of the entire world of the inevitable ninja-invasion-epidemic-end-of-the-world-tofu-flood-thingy that's waiting to happen. The frequent opening of new sushi bars around the local areas is an indication of the increase in ninjas and also correlates to the large amounts of bonsai plantations in remote areas (sorry this paragraph is so random, i was high like a kite when i wrote this one).

And the tri-force is an allusion to the Bush Administration and the three things President George W. Bush lacks - an education, a speech writer and a brain. Nintendo is very clever to pick up on this and never make any mention to this political statement within their games; it's so well hidden, you're wondering how we managed to interpret it this way but we will offer you booze if you promise not to press the issue further.

Nintendo has tried over and over to create the perfect Zelda game; one that will speak out to its players about real life issues and tackle the emotional obstacles that all geeks experience - such as, "I am an uglie nerd, will I ever get a girlfriend?", "My character keeps dying to the Vampiric Dragon, does this mean I fail at life?", "I've had McDonalds everyday for the past 2 months, do you think they remember me yet?" and "Is it OK to play an XBox?". The answers to these questions are no, yes, why aren't you dead yet? and suicide is your only option.

We can only conclude that there will be at least another 18 Zelda games in the future, since no radical revolutions have spawned because of any recently released Zelda titles. While nobody knows what Nintendo hopes to achieve, we can be sure that poor Link will not be getting any snuggles from his dear princess Zelda, as she is a frigid snob with elf ears. And no matter how much she gets kidnapped and raped by Ganondorf (who is a convicted sexual predator in 9 regions of Hyrule) then rescued by Link, Zelda always decides to run away again in order to keep Nintendo's revenue flowing with another excuse for a "new" Zelda game.

In tribute to The Legend of Zelda series, we wrote a love haiku to princess Zelda because she is a really darn hot video game character that we would like to bang (please don't tell Princess Peach):

Oh Zelda my lady

I guess that was more than 5 syllables

O shi-