There is no C in Pokemon

Mood: POKEMON BASHING TIME
Currently watching: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

Pokemon first reached Australian soil sometime around 1997 or 98 or maybe quite possibly 99. The writers of the show got their inspiration from Tamagotchi, the virtual pet phenomenon which preceded Pokemon by some years. Tamagotchi's makers then decided that harmless dancing pets on a primitive LCD were not enough and made Digimon, hardened monsters that could fight via metal-conducting connectors, which were the initial prototype of infra-red and Bluetooth technology we have today on portable devices.

Owners of Pokemon, Game Freak, were a group of plagiarising scum and thus on a quiet Saturday night, broke into Bandai's headquarters and installed a large number of remote Voltorbs and stole the first drafts of the Digimon cartoon series' script. The very next day, the aftermath of the break-in were clear in the news headline: Geek Freaks Game Freak commit novelty terrorist attack on Japanese Otaku Toy Corporation Bandai but bandaids are sold out. The rivalry that spawned on this very day would last for at least a few decades, clearly evident by the continual release of Pokemon and Digimon cartoon series, card games and video game spinoffs years after their initial fanboys had grown out of puberty and had found a new pastime called World of Warcraft.

Clearly Pokemon had lost its appeal because of its flat-chested heroine, Misty. Although there was a busty female present in the show, Jessie was not an alternative because she was 35 and portrayed like a stinky harlot. Young viewers could no longer wait weeks for the plot to give Brock a chance to visit the beach in order to get a glimpse of hand-drawn, scantily-clad well-endowed young ladies. This demand for hentai content on the show was poorly received by creator and chief script writer Ash Ketchum, even though he was dying to bang Misty, the flat-chested girl whose surname is still unknown to fans after 7 years since the first episodes. Many fanboys have made up their own speculations for Misty's surname to aid their perverted fantasy, usually calling her by their own surname like she was their wife or sex-slave or something. Mr Ketchum told LIER Magazine that he felt disgusted because the testosterone levels of 10 year olds were higher than his own and was put onto medication for many months because of the consequencial yaoi-fanfic-writer's-block. He committed suicide in mid-2006 by drinking a blended pulp from old Pokemon cards and some African watermelons.

The show continued on, even without anyone writing the script. Pokemon fans claimed that it was the "will of Pikachu-sama" but were told by their peers to "shut up". They went so far as to list their religion as "Johtoism" on the annual census but had lower numbers than "Jedi" on the statistics chart. Pokemon is currently playing its eighth season, Pokemon Ranger Space Travellers: The Lost Pokeball of Halo 3. So far the show has been poorly received and many geek communities around the world have condemned the using of the name of Halo 3 in vain and many Haloists are about to wage a j1h4d (geekoid holy war) on the Johtoists, who claim they had no control over the estranged title of their beloved yet downward-spirally cartoon series.

Examining other departments of the Pokemon franchise, the video game, was not a bad game by any means. It was easily the best game to ever come to the Gameboy (monochrome version, at the time) and was a huge hit. The subsequent "sequels" were also extremely popular amongst 10-12 year olds whose prized possession were their Gameboy Advance SPs and 19 year olds who played the ROM on their computer because they would be arrested for owning the above. Common-sense has alerted us that the games were not very popular among the parents of the aforementioned pre-teens.

Pokemon can be widely considered the largest otaku-fanbased monopoly today. It is regarded by many political analysts to be the only corporate giant that rivals Microsoft in terms of networth. It will only be a matter of time before Microsoft opts to buy out the Pokemon empire. Should that day ever come, have a katana or frisbee nearby to commit seppuku because we promise you - Pokemon Vista Home Edition is going to be so bad, we are not kidding.

Let's take a look at Game Freak's Pokemon assets since its horrible dinosaur-esque birth...

Pokemon Cartoon Series, 1998-Present:

Pokemon Pocket Monsters
Pokemon Freedom Fighters
Pokemon Johto Adventures
Pokemon In Space
Pokemon Master Journey
Pokemon Pancake Flippers
Pokemon Noun Noun
Mighty Morphin' Pokemon Rangers

Pokemon Video Games, 1999-Present:

Pokemon Red Version
Pokemon Blue Version
Pokemon Yellow Version
Pokemon White Version (released because of anti-Asian sentiments at Yellow version)
Pokemon Black Version (released because of anti-Asian sentiments at Yellow version)
Pokemon Ruby Version
Pokemon Sapphire Version
Pokemon Emerald Version
Pokemon Onyx Version
Pokemon Magenta Version
Pokemon Rainbow Version
Pokemon Stadium
Pokemon Colliseum
Pokemon Sporting Arena
Pokemon World GX
Pokemon Mystery Dungeon
Pokemon Mystery Attic
Pokemon Mystery Basement
Pokemon Pearl
Pokemon Diamond
Pokemon Plastic
Pokemon Tungsten

Pokemon Trading Card Game Sets, 2000-Present:

Pokemon Trading Card Game
Pokemon Jungle
Pokemon Fossil
Pokemon Rocket
Pokemon Shiny GX
Pokemon Blue Eyes White Dratini Set
Pokemon Dark Mr Mime Set

Let's take a look at the pie-chart of Pokemon assets and how their franchise spreads out into the various industries and demographics:

Please ignore the fact that the chart was documented 30 years before the child of the devil known as Pokemon came into being. As is clearly shown here, the Pokemon franchise has extended to various things, some which aren't shown on that pie chart. Most recent news alluded to a possible venture into Pokemon-brand air conditioners and bandanas, both of which are very closely related. Last time we checked, the Pokemon franchise comprised of 100% hentai for the brief Christmas period of 2006.

Unfortunately, due to an anti-Pokemon protest happening outside our office on the ground floor, we must cut this post short as some fanatics wielding a flaming pikachu on a stick are banging on our door and throwing rotten bananas onto our beautifully polished window. Incidentally, this protest coincides with the pro-Digimon rally happening down the street. We feel that this is no coincidence and are currently backing up our porn and firing up the escape pods.

We bid you farewell reader, and remember not to spend your life savings on Pokemon merchandise if you intend to live past the year 2035 because that is the predicted date of its diminishing value. And now to end with MAD Magazine's version of the Pokemon theme song from Australian MAD Magazine 1999 Issue 372 (sung to the tune of the original Pokemon theme song). Yes, it was this very issue of the magazine that sparked my immoral love-affair with satire. Sing it and laugh!

Each one of us a lame-ass pest,
Just a dorky twit,
No one would have ever guessed
Our show would be a hit

Our Game Boy junk and trading cards
Sell across the map
All bought by parents of retards
Who "have to" own this crap!

Hokeycon!
Flavour of the week!
Expensive trash!
Latest fad to take your cash!

Hokeycon!
Soon to be forgot!
In your closet
watch us rot!

Hokeycon! Better sell 'em quick!
We make big bucks,
Though our artwork really sucks,
America - land of schmucks!

Hokeycon!