TLC Theatre: Tale of Hamburglar, The

It was a perfect summer's day, when a convicted pedophile by the name of Ronald "Ronald McDonald" McDonald was sentenced to another 28 years in Drive-Thru service for an alledged sexual attack on a 6-year-old restaurant patron. While this news story was being aired on CCN (Communist Chinaman's Newsdump), Hamish Burglier, as he was known then, was making himself a batch of Chicken McNuggets for breakfast, of which he had stolen from a McDonalds delivery truck several months earlier.
For someone who had never conversed or danced the Tango with Hamish, he would appear to just be another lonely hobo who had neither girlfriend nor a fresh pair of underwear. Of course, back in his day, there was no World of Warcraft, so he spent most of his afternoons playing Chess against the poster of late Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith on his bedroom ceiling.

"I have been thoroughly named and shamed for my actions, and am deeply sorry for ruining the world-recognized family-friendly of McDonalds as a family restaurant," McDonald spoke before being muffled by an oily, paper bag. "Zfff mmf zfffiiuuunn!" Despite having his DNA confirmed no less than 13 times by a total of 8 different scientists from 4 of the then 6 continents of the globe, McDonald's army of lawyers would describe their client as nothing but "innocent".

Had Hamish seen this drama play out on his monochrome television set, he would have immediately recognized Mr McDonald, as the two had met some years earlier in a drug deal. While Hamish used the pseudonym "The Buddha" when acting as the greatest North American dealer of South American weed, Mr McDonald used the ever inconspicuous alias of "Ronald McDonald". Unfortunately, those large clown shoes were almost always a dead giveaway. It was a shame that Hamish did not see this news report regarding his most lucrative customer, as he was lying unconscious on the floor after having consumed raw and expired Chicken McNuggets, which have since been proven to be deadly to French consumers.

But as we come to yet another abrupt conclusion of an incoherent wall-of-bullsh*t, some questions remain unanswered. How did Hamish Burglier become the Hamburglar? Is Hamish Burglier just a euphemism for baguette? How many children did Ronald McDonald rape while in and out of prison? I had Chicken McNuggets for lunch today and I do not have life insurance, is this bad news? Are my children safe from the ghost of Ronald McDonald? Just what the f*ck is Grimace meant to be? I bet that MakeUpYourOwnMind.com McDonalds website will have answers for questions such as these!

*Disclaimer: Since we have taken C into ransom, there will be no new posts until The Letter C receives a donation equating to and/or of greater value than $1 million USD.

- Charles Wong's army of lawyers