There is no C in PSP

The PSP was Sony's worst invention since the Sony-brand unopened minidisc shredder back in 1998. PSP is supposedly meant to stand for Playstation Portable, but we prefer to call it the Portable Piece of Sh*t. Yes, we do realize that would make the acronym PPS, but frankly, our care cup is empty.

Sony was faced with a number of problems when the PSP made its initial debut into the portable console race. Not only was the PSP a shoddy piece of sweatshop handiwork, it was also faced with the incredible competition coming from the Nintendo DS, which had already gained a large following because of the crappy kid's title Nintendogs, with the addition of the scat-lover's spinoff version - Nintenbogs.



Consumers and console thiefs complained that the PSP's d-pad was (direct quote from LIER Magazine), "really focking gay" and "so bad it gave me the worst hand whiplash ever." For more information on hand whiplash, please visit Doohickiepedia.org. Not only was the d-pad bad, but the plastic imitation analog stick was worse, resembling a weird potruding speaker of some sort (and yes, 99% of PSP owners including myself held this misconception for at least the first 6 weeks of owning the console).



The shoddy controls immediately made half the initial gamebase redundant. Hardcore fans will remember that 9 out of 10 PSP games released during its first 2 years of failure were fighting or racing games. Players could not steer properly or perform the patented Hadoken motion with their left-thumb. This caused Sony to get embarassed fast, and at a press conference last November, Sony's chairman Sony Mao (yes, that is his real name) tried to hide himself behind a cardboard cut-out of Crash Bandicoot. Oh, hilarity ensued.



However, it did not all go bad for Sony. With the release of Lumines, which we can only describe as something along the lines of Tetris + Winamp + Ecstacy, PSP sales went right up in the raver community, because the only people who were buying the PSP previously were Asian kids with rich parents and white kids who were suffering Wannabe Asian Syndrome. Unfortunately, Sony thought that a Lumines 2 would save their ass, when in fact, most of the ravers who played the original died from the insane deadly formula of Tetris + Winamp + Ecstacy + Glowsticks, with glowsticks being the clear key ingredient for death.

We can only conclude that the PSP will continue to suck at least until the remake of Final Fantasy Tactics is released. When that time comes, Blizzard Entertainment will lose a valuable World of Warcraft customer. Catch my drift?