Starcraft 2 is the ultimate wet dream that every Western-world geek has been waiting for. Though some may consider this to be a negative reflection on the attitudes and values of white youths living in the 21st century, anthropologists have reassured the mature population that these fine young people will not grow up to be single, socially-inept 30 year olds, but instead die at the ripe age of 24 in front of a flickering computer monitor, doing what they love.
An estimated 400 million youths will have their sleep patterns altered prior to the release of this long-awaited sequel. Many Korean men have already filed divorces in preparation for 110% immersion into the World of Starcraft. Unnamed military sources reporte that North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il has cancelled nuclear weapon development to engage in 6 months of intensive Starcraft training in order to maintain his title as Number One Gosu Dictator. Ironically, Korean legislation notes that Mr Kim is the only person in North Korea who has legal access to a personal computer.
Blizzard CEO Michael Morhaime has openly stated at a press conference that, "Starcraft 2 has been designed to be more addictive than World of Warcraft. It was specifically engineered to lure the playerbase of EA's Command and Conquer 3 to become loyal Blizzard fans for life. We hope that the Starcraft 2-factor will have such an effect on their belief system that they will give us their life savin-... er, souls. Our company's vision is to reward every person a private Protoss sacrificial ritual so they can be confident that their soul will be lost like a proud Protoss warrior.
Starcraft 2 has generated so much hype, that the late Gerrard Du Galle has risen from the dead to reprise his role as himself in the sequel. He has been spotted at net cafes in Marseilles, his home town, weeping over his wussy suicide back in Brood War. Protoss Carriers have been identified by the Hubble Telescope to be slowly approaching Earth. Astronomers have not yet made contact but are in the process of making some kind of plaque to aid communication with the off-world race. Had these science-geeks left the observatory to socialize during the 20th century, they would have learnt that the Protoss understood and spoke fluent English.
Pope Benedict XVI, the pope who seems to have an opinion on everything, ranging from strawberry icecream to coathangers, had this to say about Starcraft 2: "I sincerely hope that Christ Jesus will not return until Starcraft 2 has been released for at least 6 months. May the risen Lord forgive us all, for surely he Himself is waiting for the very same." Historians found this to be the first pope speech of which geeks and lifeless hobos could agree with, and the Catholic Church has welcomed this new harmony. Geek community spokesperson, teran_firebat69, who could only be reached on ICQ, was quoted as saying, "I haven't showered in 2 weeks, and I intend to stay in these clothes until the Starcraft 2 comes out!"
In other news, the International Garbology Institute counted more than 100 million Warcraft III CDs in their global rubbish collection for the week commencing 14 May 2007.
23 May, 2007
TLC wishes it put the C in Starcraft 2
14 May, 2007
TLC Crackdown: The real cost of playing World of Warcraft
Now for something different from the usual mishmash of random crap that has appeared on this blog of late. Last evening I indulged in the most intellectual of conversations with my associate J. Ho PhD Lovematics, and discussed the "cost" of playing World of Warcraft. Below I will provide the results and findings we uncovered during our scholarly chat.
First of all, lets look at the cost in terms of money. We calculated this based on the "loyal customer" or "steadfast consumer", ie. someone who is going to play to max level (with expansion) and participate in a reasonable amount of end-game content. Individual prices are taken from the lowest we've seen of the RRP in Australia. All costs are calculated in AUD.
Step 1.... Rolling start
World of Warcraft CD/DVDs with account key, with 1 month of play = $25
Burning Crusade CDs with expansion key = $50
Now, when Mr (or Miss) New WoW Player starts a new account, they have to either enter credit card details or a game card number in order to "activate" their subscription. You see, this is just how well Blizzard had thought out their business plan. Basically the credit card details are proof of the consumer's ability to keep on playing after the first month runs out. The truth is, anyone who's only going to play WoW for only the initial month is not getting their money's worth.
Ok, so they've just forked out $75 for the game and expansion (all you're really doing is paying for the account keys printed on the CD slips). Now if they don't have a credit card, and only someone with a steady income could keep one and play using it, expect to pay another $40 for a game card, which will be instantly activated and stacked after the initial month. So this forces a consecutive 3 month period of activated gameplay. Basically this gives the consumer no option at all to stop playing after the first month and save their extra 2 months for another time.
Step 2... Level 1 to 60
J. Ho proposed a 2-hour-a-day gameplay plan for our imaginary consumer. How long would an average WoW player take to reach Level 60 on this schedule? I estimated something close to 6 months.
6 months of WoW subscription is....
3 game cards = $120 (if bought from a shop)
3 game cards = $102 (if bought from eBay)
Now, C knows that certain sellers on eBay vendor the game cards at $34 free postage, so we can bring that cost down quite a bit. However, for the WoW player, unless they are well organized (highly doubtful), they will most likely not keep track of their WoW subscription and suddenly one day realize, "Oh, darn, it's run out." The fastest option would be to head down to the local EB and fork out a hefty $40 for the 60-day recharge. For organized people and Asians, eBay is probably the better option simply because its the cheaper option. Though the delivery is not instant, if one has not reached the level of addiction, the consumer could probably survive a few days without it and save themselves $6. Go buy yourself a cookie!
Alright... so our lucky friend has reached Level 60! Ding! Grats!
Step 3... Gearing at 60
Gearing up is a lengthy process, but there are a few different ways to obtain decent equipment. At 60 our player would be pretty experienced at the game by now, but probably has never entered a 40-man raid. So first they're going to take some time to get "attuned" and "keyed", which are fancy terms that roughly translate to "do lots of quests and other menial tasks for a month or two".
I gave our consumer 1 month of gameplay time to get attuned for Molten Core, the first 40-man raid dungeon available. During their time in MC, they'll roughly be spending 3+ hour sessions inside the dungeon with 39 other people. With only a handful of bosses and very low drop-rates, and a total of 8 character classes, and one piece of the armor set dropping if you're lucky, getting enough gear to move on to the next dungeon can be a very long and arduous (sp?) task.
If they decide to not raid and just PVP, the honor required for the 60 epic sets is a reasonably high amount. So that's a lot of PVPing right there, whether its from world or BGs. BGs are a lot faster, but could get old very quick because of random team matchups.
Lets not forget the money required for the Epic mount too. Something close to 550 gold will take maybe a few weeks to farm, if all they're doing is pure farming.... farming day after day for quite a few days. I managed to make close to 400 gold after 2 months of semi-farming from Level 20-45-ish. At Level 60, depending on their professions, the grind for cash could be much faster or slower.
So... another 3 months of gameplay will amount to a total of $60.
Step 4... Grind to 70 and beyond
Alright, they work hard to hit 70 after getting geared and then at 70, it's time to get attuned for more dungeons and raid more on weekends and get geared and then PVP more and whatnot. Maybe this will keep them entertained for 2 months, but usually people will roll new characters. So now they've started a new character and they'll be playing this one again.
Grind, grind, grind and suddenly 3 months of their life has wasted away again.
Let's pretend that's a total of 6 months... which is... $120.
Step 5... Year 2 Maths
Let's sum it all up now, for the cost of someone who plays to Level 70 and enjoys some end-game content and maybe play a new character...
$25 + $50 + $120 + $60 + 120 = $375...
Well, you look at it, and it doesn't seem to be all that much.
Now there are people out there who've been playing since the release, which was like 2 years back... Every year of WoW subscription costs $240. Do the maths yourself. Blizzard must be very very rich.
04 May, 2007
TLC Crackdown: Harry Potter Book 7 Leaked
The very professional janitors at The Letter C office managed to hijack a bypassing truck earlier this week. First believing it to contain enough beer to solve Australia's drought problem, upon opening the metallic safes (yes, plural), we discovered copies of the first print of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. Unfortunately, in order to prevent anyone selling them or keeping them for personal use, several of them self destructed. We managed to salvage half of one and a bit of another. From what we could put back together, we have a large portion of the second last chapter, since the self-destruction device was installed in the front of the book, possibly to injure thieving magpies.
Anyhow, here is the excerpt from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, the seventh and final book of the Harry Potter series, written by J. K. Rowling:
Many apologies to the kids and dirty perverts who really wanted to see more (pun intended). Hope we didn't spoil too much for you of what's to come in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. You can be sure that the content is retrieved is 100% reliable; no amount of "Made in China" tags are going to fool us. We did indeed get our hands on the real thing, and if Miss Rowling is keen on sueing (sp?) TLC, our army of lawyers will be ready.
Regards,
The Letter C Staff, Amateur Storywriting Department
29 April, 2007
There is no C in Youtube
Ah, Youtube is surely the household name of the 21st century. Everyone's heard of and visits Youtube on a regular basis - your next door neighbour, your next door neighbour's pet doberman, eskimos and the like included. And at the same time there appear to be just as much a variety in the producers of the videos too. Ever seen that video of Robert Aevin getting probed up the ass by Martians? Yes, even the Martians have access to Youtube.
When Google bought out Youtube, the world was shocked. Even the non-geek population was shocked. Housewives started asking, "Does this mean Google-brand breakfast cereal is just around the corner? Will it taste like binary?" This isn't the first time Google stopped the world in its tracks. There have been other occasions, like the one time the search engine died and school children all over the world could not copy and paste anymore content for their assignments. It was a grand exposure of the true quality of Australia's education system.
Youtube is infamous for having a collection of every episode of LOST that has ever aired, and 60% of the site's subscribers threatened to boycott if this blasphemy was not atoned for. In fact, the variety of video content available is so vast, that the only videos missing from Youtube are clips from Hardcore Japanese Pron Babes XXX Vol. 5 (dear friend of The Letter C, TK Wang, confirmed this for us). The craze of "Youtub-ing" has taken the world by storm, so much that the teenagers of today's society no longer visit Internet cafes to play Counter-Strike together, but rather to enjoy an intimate session of watching stand-up comedy on Youtube with their friends and schoolmates. It's as if Youtubing is a prohibited activity at home or at school, comparable with smoking marijuana in an aeroplane bathroom.
We interviewed several people to get their opinion on the situation.
Kim Kim-Kim, a South Korean mother of three said, "Oooooo... my children..
they watch sad Korean drama on computer all day and we never have quality
family time! It's OK to miss school, but quality time with family number one...
Youtube is a bad!"
Arthur Arthurson, renowned movie director said, "Youtube is great, now I
can save at least 1 million on my budget for clowns, beer and hookers, in that
order."
Invader Zim was unavailable for comment.
There can be no doubt that Youtube is the way of the future - the way of eternal fiery burning and violation of copyright laws.
27 April, 2007
TLC puts the C in Amazing Race
Truly, truly, Amazing Race is one of the greatest reality shows to come onto Australian home television screens. The gameplay is fast paced, jam-packed and contains more reality show competition cliche's than colloquialisms (sp?) in this freakin' sentence. In Amazing Race, every participant is a winner, even if you don't win. For the superficial, it's a sure way to get your face onto television for many appearances. Well, except for if you're really ugly or a real tight ass, then it's very likely people will like you less after they see you on the show. It is bound to create some tension amongst your friends who are better-looking or more money-hungry than you, provided you have any at all.
Be warned, however, that the Amazing Race is not a game that can be easily emulated for your own recreational purposes. There are way too many factors that can seriously ruin the game, and in the worst case scenario, someone may drop their icecream on the grass and be forced to lick it back up, simply because the instructions demanded it. But do not be worried, if the participants are of Asian heritage, you can be pretty damned sure they WILL lick up that icecream, because there is no way true Asian would spend $2.00 for another icecream cone.
When you are creating minigames for your very own Amazing Race, be sure not to include tedious tasks like setting a new Guiness World Record. Trust us, that kind of quest is impossible and your production team will get fired quick because you will blow your budget. Be sure to get the participants to do fun things, or they will get bored and your ratings will go to the rocks. Get them to try something exotic, like firebreathing, Russian Roulette with an RPG, driving down the highway in reverse gear, or even just eating a live scorpion. Such events are bound to attract a large audience and also the raver community.
Of course, at the end of the race, the winner should be awarded with a prize. Stay away from the really generic stuff, like roses and chocolate; nobody in the world wants to receive those for any reason anymore. There are so many easy ways to make your Amazing Race stand out from all the rest of the wannabes. Useful prizes like a lifetime supply of condoms will definitely score you a ready supply of willing competitors for next season. Just beware: do not offer a lifetime subscription to World of Warcraft, you don't want a plethora of uglie nerdling geekoids applying for your show - seeing "Jedi" as someone's religion is funny the first time, but never again.
I would think of a really witty rhyming pun to Amazing Race to make fun of the show, but I won't because I only have an IQ of 79.
15 April, 2007
TLC puts the C in Slashfiction
According to LIER magazine's yearly census, slashfiction ranked as the highest form of literary entertainment of 2006 for young insecure boys, perverted teenage girls and yet-to-be-convicted pedophiles. The genre of sSlashfiction first spawned from a typo in a Mills and Boons romance novelette. Though the word "her" was misprinted as "his" on all 220 pages, this little misdeed was regarded as an accident by the printing company. The cover of the book promised intense man-on-woman action, but desperate housewives and adolescent girls all around the world got a taste of nothing but this morning's breakfast in their mouth.
Back in the day when people were not very open about homosexuality, slashfiction was the only way that gay young men could express their wildest fantasies over the Internet, as chatrooms were still monitored by the FBI for any signs of gay activity. Nowadays, those very same FBI agents are busy pretending to be underage girls to lure pedophiles into an orange prisoners' uniform. Today, slashfic'ing is a widely accepted hobby, and even found in popular culture. Check out this exerpt from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Boner:
The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you
stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his
hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils. He
bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what
looked like lumpy gray glue.
Even J. K. Rowling could not resist the temptation of adding some "slash" into her "fic". A quick look at C's My Document's folder suggests that Naruto and Hannibal Lector are currently the most popular subjects of slashfic'ing, with Kingdom Hearts being one of the least slash'd media. We think it is most likely because that in Kingdom Hearts, the heroes look like girls and the heroines are actually attractive enough to make a gay boy question his homosexuality and hot enough that a glimpse at their perfect CG body would make the gayest teenage boy's boner reach the moon.
For anyone who's eager to experiment with slashfiction, whether it is using it as sexy-time material or becoming the next world-famous slashfiction writer, here are a few tips for you:
1) Always make sure it is 18+
2) There must be at least 3 male characters, with at least 2 of them under 13
3) There should be 4 paragraphs just describing their emotions when staring dreamily into each other's eyes
4) Girl characters turn out to be boys in disguise
5) Older brother and younger brother action will definitely win you an Oscar
Attached at the end of this post is one C wrote earlier. We warn that your innocence may be abruptly taken away from you and you may expel your most vital internal organs via your oral cavity during chapters 2, 6 and 13. If you do not wish to read 800 words on just the description of a twinkie, we recommend you skipping chapter 4. Happy slashfic'ing.
tlc_slashfic.txt (2.4Mb)
That's right, there is no attached slashfic, you filthy pervert.
08 April, 2007
TLC puts the C in Asian haircut
For your average Asian male between age 13-21 there is nothing like ditching your crappy whitey's blade cuts and flat tops and converting to an Asian hairdresser. When you step inside that door, and that promiscuous-looking intern massages your scalp with up to 4 different chemical substances, you will know and realize - this isn't going to be cheap. Remember the very first time when he unsheathed his clippers from his large array of scissory and maybe gave you a wink in the mirror? Yes, he was wearing a wedding ring, and no, he was not married to a woman.
The routine is simple; they wash your hair, you sit down, the hairdresser opens up a Japanese/Korean magazine and you pick a hairstyle. It should be noted that getting Takuya Kimura's haircut will NOT hide your ugliness from the world. Most of the time, a simple haircut will require a decent Asian hairdresser to use up to 4 different types of scissors, but in some match-ups may require to use the rest of their cooldowns.
Asian boys should beware - going into an Asian salon will almost always result in you coming out brandishing the infamous was-cool-maybe-back-in-high-school Asian mullet. Fashion analyst and self-proclaimed metrosexual Clay Clayson tells us that this hairstyle is a double-edged sword of sorts. If you are looking to impress a young lady with this haircut, you better hope she doesn't care about looks. If she doesn't care about looks, then she is most definitely after your money. If you lack both, it is very likely she is lesbian.
In addition to a wild hairdo, all hip Asians should invest in hair colouring to disassociate themselves with their heritage. As of 2005, it was no longer cool to have black hair because that's when the Emo movement began and unfortunately for us Asians, our hair was just too freakin' black. A shade of brown with some blonde highlights is generally acceptable, but if you go for something like fluoro green, you are bound to lose more than just friends. Do not be surprised if your parents will not let you back inside the house. Don't worry, I'm sure they think you look fantastic - it's just that they can't recognize you.
How much should one expect to fork out for a little self-esteem? Well, if you sported a cheesy bowl cut prior to your "made in China" transformation, it is unlikely you had advanced very far in the food-chain of life. In this case, this haircut may cost you your life savings and most if not all of your innocence. Now that you look like an Asian gangsta, you will be expected to act like one by not only your peers, but also your school teachers and personal butler. Be prepared for many parent-teacher meetings.
31 March, 2007
TLC Crackdown: Solo Roleplaying
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (12:58 PM):
yeah it was
either going to be dual monitors
or 30"
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (12:58 PM):
i haven't decided for anzac weekend yet
Open(Alt+P)
You have successfully received D:\My Documents\My Received Files\DSC00005.JPG from
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:00 PM):
...whoa
look reallyg ood
lol
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:00 PM):
nice keyboard... isn't that like $300?
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:01 PM):
i saw that keyboard at harvey norman yesterday and it was going for $300..
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:01 PM):
omg
insane
very cool
thankte matey
come play dota next time
lol
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:01 PM):
lol
when?
oh
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:01 PM):
man dota on widescreen is soooo weird
lolo
yeah it is a little
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:01 PM):
yeh
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:02 PM):
i play in windowed mode anyway
so i resize it back to golden ratio
what!?
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:02 PM):
you really should play in windowed mode
whats
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:02 PM):
-windowed
'godlen ratio'
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:02 PM):
golden ratio is... 4:#
4:3
the normal screen ratio
like.. not wide
yeah yeah
actually that mite work
there is also some way
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:02 PM):
yeh go for it
to force a lot of programs
to show that many pixels
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:03 PM):
wow
like generals zero hour u can edit the ini
to make it 2560 x 1600
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:03 PM):
...OMgggggg
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:04 PM):
have you played C&C3 yet?
it looks slick
no i haven't
but my friend's bugging me to get it
i'm playing oblivion
its such a bad idea
lol
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:04 PM):
probably not worth the $88
ahhah oblivion
but such a good game
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:04 PM):
oh man
did u play it???
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:04 PM):
it must look good on that monitor
no i didn't
i'm not really into that type of RPG
yeah it looks relaly good
rpgs are soul suckers
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:04 PM):
WoW already takes enough of my time
are u wowing?
haha
hahha
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:04 PM):
i don't really enjoy single player RPG
hahaah
the role play
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:05 PM):
i'm not playing WoW right now... lol
not real enough for u?
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:05 PM):
XD
lol thats so funny
on so many levels
'single player role playing is not enjoyable'
but many people role playing is
hahahaha
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:06 PM):
lol
27 March, 2007
TLC Tutorial: Top 10 ways to quit World of Warcraft
Truly, truly, this is a guide to one of the great milestones of geekdom. Though we originally planned to interview an expert, we searched far and wide, from the west coast of Australia all the way to California, then to Singapore, then to the dark side of the moon, but nobody who had accomplished this mighty feat was to be found.
Nonetheless, the players here at The Letter C have compiled a lengthy list to aid all players/addicts/slaves of World of Warcraft in this quest for epic freedom (my boss said that WoW pun had to be included).
In no particular order, these are the steps to be taken in order to complete the quest:
1. Give up now, it's impossible.
25 March, 2007
There is no C in Playstation 3
In recent news, the Playstation 3 made its not-so-epic release in Australia. Sony was tactless to call for a midnight launch, because the last time I checked, the latest geek trend is to stay up until 3am playing World of Warcraft in their parents' basement. For the less extravagant breed of nerd, last time I checked, it was "cool" to own an XBox 360, and for their parents, it was "fresh" to possess a Nintendo Wii. This silly purchase of a new-age console most definitely left said Australian doll bludgers/families broke and unable to cash in on Sony's overly expensive new toy.
Predictably, the only people who were actually able to afford the Playstation 3 without taking out a loan for $1000 AUD were spoilt Asian kids with rich parents and elitist white boys, who had to own one of the very first Australian PS3s despite the empty care cup of their peers, grandparents and school teachers.
Political analysts were quick to point out that Kevin Rudd may have anticipated the release of Sony's latest console with his push for faster broadband. This was interpreted as Mr Rudd saying, "I am lonely and wish I had more Aussie noobs to fry online." Prime Minister John Howard was quoted replying, "Kevin Rudd will not be able to fulfill his promises to the public," and then footage of Mr Howard claiming the coalition "would never allow the GST to exist" under its government. Although this footage was especially incriminating for Mr Howard, the real crime for him is playing Alliance.
19 March, 2007
TLC Theatre: Tale of Hamburglar, The
For someone who had never conversed or danced the Tango with Hamish, he would appear to just be another lonely hobo who had neither girlfriend nor a fresh pair of underwear. Of course, back in his day, there was no World of Warcraft, so he spent most of his afternoons playing Chess against the poster of late Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith on his bedroom ceiling.
"I have been thoroughly named and shamed for my actions, and am deeply sorry for ruining the world-recognized family-friendly of McDonalds as a family restaurant," McDonald spoke before being muffled by an oily, paper bag. "Zfff mmf zfffiiuuunn!" Despite having his DNA confirmed no less than 13 times by a total of 8 different scientists from 4 of the then 6 continents of the globe, McDonald's army of lawyers would describe their client as nothing but "innocent".
Had Hamish seen this drama play out on his monochrome television set, he would have immediately recognized Mr McDonald, as the two had met some years earlier in a drug deal. While Hamish used the pseudonym "The Buddha" when acting as the greatest North American dealer of South American weed, Mr McDonald used the ever inconspicuous alias of "Ronald McDonald". Unfortunately, those large clown shoes were almost always a dead giveaway. It was a shame that Hamish did not see this news report regarding his most lucrative customer, as he was lying unconscious on the floor after having consumed raw and expired Chicken McNuggets, which have since been proven to be deadly to French consumers.
But as we come to yet another abrupt conclusion of an incoherent wall-of-bullsh*t, some questions remain unanswered. How did Hamish Burglier become the Hamburglar? Is Hamish Burglier just a euphemism for baguette? How many children did Ronald McDonald rape while in and out of prison? I had Chicken McNuggets for lunch today and I do not have life insurance, is this bad news? Are my children safe from the ghost of Ronald McDonald? Just what the f*ck is Grimace meant to be? I bet that MakeUpYourOwnMind.com McDonalds website will have answers for questions such as these!
*Disclaimer: Since we have taken C into ransom, there will be no new posts until The Letter C receives a donation equating to and/or of greater value than $1 million USD.
- Charles Wong's army of lawyers
15 March, 2007
TLC Crackdown: Uglie Nerd Epidemic
Dear citizens of Planet Earth,
A world-peace-threatening epidemic is just beyond the horizon and fast approaching. Possibly by 2010 AD or sooner, a new race of humans known as Uglie Nerds will spawn from a currently non-existent gene pool and terrorise peaceful neighbourhoods and trample our planet's fragile daffodils and ants. Scientists were warned on the 18th of September, 2006 by a man going under the alias "Time Commando". 20th Century geeks have already confirmed that it is not the guy who starred in the PlayStation game of the same name.
So far, we have little evidence that excessive use of the electronic drug called World of Warcraft will be the cause of this disaster. Moreso, many of the world leaders are unaware that the Internet was used for the intake of illegal data - we thought that people only used it to download pornography. In the event that World of Warcraft is indeed the catalyst for destruction, we have decided that no risks can be taken and that the Internet must be cut away.
After browsing various virtual breeding dens of these Uglie Nerds, named "forums", we have concluded that a blizzard will mark the beginning of the uprising. Our top scientists and environmental activists have, for the first time in 220 years, decided to settle their differences and join together in an act of accelerated global warming. We have predicted that if every household of developed nations burns at least 10Kg of coal per day, the global warming process will be complete by 30th of February, 2008. A total of $470 billion US has been allocated for the development of underwater colonies, water-resistant fireworks and waterproof toasters.
In the event that our leadership has got it totally wrong, we implore all females to stay away from the Internet. We fear that the Uglie Nerds will target those of the feminine gender, regardless of age or location. If you are a parent and you have a daughter who has a MySpace page, then we regret to inform you that it is too late. They will be the first to be swarmed by the Uglie Nerds. Fear not, as we have access to government information detailing your daughter's exact whereabouts and her measurements.
See you later, suckers,
World leaders of the arrogant and smug variety
11 March, 2007
There is no C in PSP
Sony was faced with a number of problems when the PSP made its initial debut into the portable console race. Not only was the PSP a shoddy piece of sweatshop handiwork, it was also faced with the incredible competition coming from the Nintendo DS, which had already gained a large following because of the crappy kid's title Nintendogs, with the addition of the scat-lover's spinoff version - Nintenbogs.
Consumers and console thiefs complained that the PSP's d-pad was (direct quote from LIER Magazine), "really focking gay" and "so bad it gave me the worst hand whiplash ever." For more information on hand whiplash, please visit Doohickiepedia.org. Not only was the d-pad bad, but the plastic imitation analog stick was worse, resembling a weird potruding speaker of some sort (and yes, 99% of PSP owners including myself held this misconception for at least the first 6 weeks of owning the console).
The shoddy controls immediately made half the initial gamebase redundant. Hardcore fans will remember that 9 out of 10 PSP games released during its first 2 years of failure were fighting or racing games. Players could not steer properly or perform the patented Hadoken motion with their left-thumb. This caused Sony to get embarassed fast, and at a press conference last November, Sony's chairman Sony Mao (yes, that is his real name) tried to hide himself behind a cardboard cut-out of Crash Bandicoot. Oh, hilarity ensued.
However, it did not all go bad for Sony. With the release of Lumines, which we can only describe as something along the lines of Tetris + Winamp + Ecstacy, PSP sales went right up in the raver community, because the only people who were buying the PSP previously were Asian kids with rich parents and white kids who were suffering Wannabe Asian Syndrome. Unfortunately, Sony thought that a Lumines 2 would save their ass, when in fact, most of the ravers who played the original died from the insane deadly formula of Tetris + Winamp + Ecstacy + Glowsticks, with glowsticks being the clear key ingredient for death.
We can only conclude that the PSP will continue to suck at least until the remake of Final Fantasy Tactics is released. When that time comes, Blizzard Entertainment will lose a valuable World of Warcraft customer. Catch my drift?
09 March, 2007
TLC Obituary: Professor Oak
Professor Oak (June 6, 1947, Viridian City Hospital - March 21, 2006, Pallet Town Pokemart) was a visionary and pioneer of Pokemon research. Not only a renowned expert in Pokemon knowledge, Oak was also the grandfather of an arrogant elitist grandson, Gary Oak. Oak graduated from Pokemon University at the age of 18 to pursue a career in adult photography, but made a shift to the study of Pokemon when he turned 23. His reason for doing so was never shared with his family nor peers, but recently discovered memoirs of the professor recorded him saying:
"It was the sight of Charizard's long, slender neck that did it for me. It was the most erotic sight I had ever witnessed and I longed to explore it further."
While Professor Oak was portrayed as a rather eccentric figure on the Pokemon animated series, in real life he was more conservative and would only cook pizza in the microwave when nobody was watching. It was found several years after the first series of Pokemon that Professor Oak was actually not qualified in his field of Pokemon research and was in fact a fraud who photoshopped his diploma.
Oak was a brave man, once fighting off several Geodudes by himself without any aid from humans or Pokemon or ninjas (who are not human) or alien robotic tentacle cyborgs from Mars (or their Venus counterparts). He was then inducted into the Pokemon Hall of Fame with his team of Ninetails, Espeon, Nidoqueen, Rapidash, Celebi and Jigglypuff. It should be noted the fact that Professor Oak's team consists of only female Pokemon is no coincidence and full charges were pressed against him shortly before he died in captivity by American corporate billionaire tyrants.
He left to his grandson Gary a total of 20 thousand unused Pokeballs, his wife's Pokemon furs wardrobe, a year-pass to Pokemon-themed theme park Pokemon Land and an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with salarymen's savings that the craze hoarded for the past 10 years.
Professor Oak's greatest and most notable achievements include:
Contributing research to the fight against Pokemon AIDS
Being the first senile old man to use Pokemon in a sexual act
Being the first senile old man in the Pokemon profession to grandfather an arrogant snob-faced bastard
Making an extra $40,000 a year for Pokemon industries by posing as a hobo
Appearing on a Pokemon cardNot appearing on a milk carton
Professor, you will be missed.
03 March, 2007
There is no C in Twenty
Ah, the fifth life crisis (assuming I live to be a hundred years old) is an epic event in most cultures but does not come close to the epicness of the twenty-first birthday. Twentieths are best celebrated with 20 hours on World of Warcraft, whether by yourself or with "girls" you met while on a quest. In the day and age of Internet sexual predation (right word?), it would be most unwise to ask for cyber secks because you might just be speaking with an undercover FBI agent posing as a Night Elf. Pesky alliance!
Inevitably, the birthday boy or girl will most definitely be against the idea of singing Happy Birthday, arguably one of the worst tunes in all of mankind. Bound to make the star of the night as red of a tomato, it is actually a very good form of anti-boner, especially with that frisky Asian boy sitting across from you. The hilarity that may insue from this singing could range from a chair being thrown around, or, perhaps a much more foolproof method, namely pressing full charges.
One of history's most famous twentieth birthdays include Google's. Sir Webley Google, overlord of the Internet search engines went for a night out at the town, enjoying alcohol and inappropriate jokes about how MSN's shares have been losing their value and how nobody thinks of asking Jeeves anymore. For our readers information: Jeeves was actually slain in 2002 in a car "accident", by a colourful Volkswagen Beetle with the number plate "GOOGLE". Very subtle. That very night Google also broke 2 world records: firstly for the Most Number of Hookers Hired for Service in 1 hour, and for First Joke about a Search Engine not related to Google.
Of course, when it comes to choosing a gift, this is always a hard decision, even if you are the reincarnation of Albert Einstein. In almost all situations, buying an XBox for the birthday boy or girl is considered bad form. Flowers, chocolates, clothes, hair dryers, electric pencil sharpeners, self-help books, iPod carry cases and non-alcoholic champagne have made the list of 2007's corniest birthday gifts. It is also the very reason most of these items are no longer popular.
Remember the golden rule friends: Cosmetic surgery can make you look young if you age too quickly.
01 March, 2007
C is for Cosmetic Surgery
Level: 27
Currently: Waiting for the Americans to sleep so I can quest without getting ganked
Have you ever wished you looked better than that dead cane toad on your driveway? Or perhaps you were sick of people comparing your face to the likeness of a milk carton. We understand that these are some of life's most difficult trials, but there are many easy solutions available. Back in the 18th century, your doctor would have told you, "Suicide is your only option." You could say that over the past 300 years, not much has changed, since anyone you ask on an Internet forum is likely to tell you the same thing, but luckily today there is another alternative: cosmetic surgery. They both cost about the same, and the only difference is that your friends will probably still be your friends if the suicide goes wrong.
With the help of the father of that Asian kid you met in primary school, now you too, can look like the hardcore Japanese pr0n babe on your boyfriend's computer desktop. Don't worry about a thing, the Japanese are the undisputed gurus of cosmetic surgery - seriously, next time you are in Japan, take a walk around Shinjuku at night... every woman you see could be a pornstar! If you aren't much the type for looking great in real life, and prefer to enhance the appearance of your World of Warcraft avatar, there are plenty of ways you can do this too. Go purchase Burning Crusade and roll a female Blood Elf; they're HOT!
So, now the question is: Do YOU need cosmetic surgery? Our team of experienced surgeons can change your appearance - forever! Have you been attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with your husband lately, but feel like you're not really fitting in? That's ok, for something around $2000 AUD, we can give you an authentic beer gut that will have your partner's beerbuddies jealous! Never feel left out again! Did that girl turn you down when you asked her to your prom? No worries, sign over possession of your parents' assets and we can get you looking like Brad Pitt - for the entire night! We'll even pay for the cab for your quick getaway when the plastic "wears off".
Make the wise choice, my pimple-faced nerdgin (nerd + virgin) and cancel your World of Warcraft subscription today... there are far better and more socially acceptable uses for that precious lunch money!
24 February, 2007
TLC puts the C in Piracy
Piracy is a fancy word for the crime known as theft. It is more commonly known as "What your Asian neighbour was up to all week" and is ranked in second spot on the Top 5 Asian Misdeeds of your Typical Asian Immigrant. While piracy is frowned upon by clergymen, song artists and Nintendo, it is encouraged and widely practised by schoolchildren, housewives and cheap university students who think photocopying the entirety of a 500 page textbook is "ok".
Since the turn of the millenium, piracy has turned from a crime into an artform, with the most bizarre things being "pirated" - ranging from advertisement boards, ninjas and domesticated monkeys at the zoo. Fake versions of all these things can now be easily bought at a discount price from any Asian hawker at your nearby shopping plaza.
The true elaboracy of the history of piracy may not be fully known to all, but it is understandable, as only a small portion of pirates are interested in the ancient Chinese traditions behind this lost ritual. During the Kam Fuk Dynasty, a man was measured in society according to size of his pirated music records collection. When a young Wimp Pe Feh invented the CD burner, young girls all over China lusted for him and his newfound power to pirate anything he wished. Feh soon went on to invent the French toast burner to create imitation French toast (without the need for oil, egg, butter nor bread) and also the underrated water burner (which made water out of... well, nothing at all). Contrary to popular belief, Wimp Pe Feh did not invent the Bunsen burner, as this device does not bootleg anything at all.
What began as humble beginnings for a rather not-so-well-hung Asian man, has now become a worldwide phenomenon. Piracy has developed a large cult following, with even your average computer-illiterate dummy being able to commit theft with a few clicks of their computer mouse. The reason piracy is so attractive is because of the difficulty in catching the culprits, since anyone who owns a computer/knows someone who owns a computer/has Internet access is already deemed a suspect/guilty/headed to jail/headed for the fiery depths of hell.
There is one solution to combat piracy, however: bring in enough ninjas to lay down the beatdown (if this sounded corny to you, then you forgot to stress the "lay" and the "beat" and probably didn't have Tekken music playing in the background).
13 February, 2007
There is no C in Valentine's Day
Mood: Amorous
Currently listening to: KC & Jojo - All My Life
Yes, it's that time of the year again when sparks fly and star-crossed lovers come out to frolick at the local shopping mall and going home with bags full of useless, pink and red junk they don't need. And no, I am not referring to spare internal organs. It is a special day for all - young and old, mammal or amphibian, living or inanimate - there is something for everyone on Valentine's Day, whether it be love or rejection, nobody goes away empty handed, assuming that heartbreak could manifest into a physical object of some sort, possibly in the form of a sharp knife or rusty razor positioned closely to one's wrist.
Valentine's Day is named after none other than Vincent Valentine, the gun-toting vampire-esque hunk from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy VII. Mr Valentino Rossi was also a candidate to have the holiday origins attributed to him, but unfortunately he is one letter short of fame and glory. Though teenyboppers have been taking advantage of this day to score overly expensive jewelry and doll houses long before the very first Final Fantasy title was released, we would like to remind our readers that Chibipedia is never wrong despite having randomly generated content which gets shuffled every half hour.
For the young, vibrant couple, V-day can be a sweet, romantic occasion that consists of feeding each other little spoonfuls of icecream and taking a long walk on the beach, but most of the time ends up being an awkward affair of trying to hide from the eagle-eyes of Asian aunties who have the strange habit of being everywhere you take your girlfriend/boyfriend, all the damn time. Luckily, their 12-inch binoculars give away their location to allow for a quick change of venue, but their Asian aunty-esque 4-wheel-drives are sure a pain to outrun - trust me, I know.
Valentine's Day could be considered a "lie", as it is the one day of the year that lifeless, desperate, perverted geeks come out of their parents' basements and think that this very day is the mating season of all human females. Unfortunately, they are wrong in believing that just because roses, chocolates and anything pink is going at 50% off they have a higher chance of getting a girl than any other day of the year. Sorry my dear friends to burst your bubble of magic immunity; better roll a 20 to save your face.
An article from LIER Magazine indicates that every year, it is on Valentine's Day that the abundant number of synthetic rose factories around the globe make their biggest profit, in addition to totally killing the Earth's ozone layer with their production machines in overdrive.
Without an answer to any of life's difficult questions, many socially inept males will decide to put it up to the shopkeep and ask, "What's her favourite colour?" Epic fail.
11 February, 2007
TLC Wiki: Defense of the Ancients
Defense of the Asians
From Chibipedia, the encyclopedia of chibi (small)
This article is about the WC3 custom map. For the Asshunter song, see I love DotA.
Defense of the Asians (DotA) is a racist joke created for the game Warcraft III (by Blizzard Entertainment). DotA can be played as a multiplayer game, either with friends, or against bots if you have none. The original map has been stolen by different authors many times, and spawned many spinoffs, including DotA Allstars. DotA Allstars v8.88c was not featured in the Malaysian and Singaporean World Cyber Game World Cyber Cup Challenge 2005 national finals and the Korean Cyberathlete Amateurs-into-Professionals Training League of Korea now runs an Open, Closed, Empty, Full, Easy, Intermediate, Hard, Gay, Main, Invite and Insane division using DotA Allstars v88.8d.[1]
Gameplay
Defense of the Asians is a team game with two opposing sides. Unlike regular Warcraft III games, in which skill is actually required, DotA requires no skill at all. Each player just needs to choose a single Asian - with its own skills, strengths, weaknesses, allergies and estranged fathers and control only this Asian against up to 5 enemy Asians. The objective here is to invade the opposing team's Chinatown and destroy their main structure (the "Pagoda" or "Shrine"), thus giving rise to the game name. To reach the Pagoda or Shrine, each Asian must defeat waves of units, immigration officers and triad members. Along the way, the player may rice up his or her Asian by scoring a sweet deal with hawkers and Japanese importers on the dark corners of the map. Players can earn experience and gold by either stealing it from their neighbours or waiting for a freebie giveaway sale at the local community centre. These two resources are both necessary in order to satisfy the triad loan shark and improve your Asian's Mandarin speaking ability.
At present, the maximum level obtainable is 25. Each Asian can learn three "standard" Asian dialects, with four levels of proficiency each, and a special Confuscian proverb to help with their journey with the exception of a small group of select Asians that are able to reach Nirvana quicker by buying the Orange Robe of Calm. The Asians are split into three classes, each emphasizing one of the three main kinds of stereotypical Asians today: bad drivers, Asian aunties, and nerdy Asians with thick glasses, Chuck Taylors and tight lowrider jeans.
Development
DotA has been contributed to by many Asian philosophers. The original DotA tradition was started by a Korean named Kim Lee Park.[citation needed] There is an item in the current DotA Allstars tributing Kim Lee Park (Park's Kimchi Noodle Bowl). Park has long since abandoned DotA, and his original map has inspired many variants, including the well known DotA Allstars. At one point, Gwosu (who is also honored by a game item called the "Gwosu's Shadow Chopsticks") worked on it. However, a member from Clan Wong, Chibi, worked on it as well. Chibi is honored with his own item called the Chibi Bento Box, a reference to a copypasta that makes fun of weeaboos. Currently, ChineseFrog is the one who is in jail for communism.[2]
Defense of the Asians variants
Throughout the history of the Defense of the Asians map development, various DotA map titles were created by map developers, either successors or spin-offs of the original version. These include:
DotA Allstars
Gameboy DotA
DotA Outrand
DotA Crouching Asian Hidden Night Elf
DotA Crassic
6v1 DotA
DotA Rumbrle - A variant of DotA with only one main road (through the middle of Chinatown), with motorcyclists and automotorists scattered throughout.
DotA: Mao's Palace - A variant of DotA in which each Asian does not own its items and can freely swap items with any other Asian in play. Gold and experience are randomly assigned from the community chest for Asians on the team (that is, the Soys or Wasabis).
DotA SC (alternatively, DSC or AoS II)[citation needed] - A Starcraft-player-themed variant of DotA, with the regular stereotypical Asians of regular DotA variants replaced with Asians representative of professional Korean Starcraft players. Asians have lighter skin, smaller eyes, and there is the use of "Cosmetic Surgery" to customize your Asian's appearance.
Trivia
There is a Chinese song called Wo Ai DotA by Asshunter, roughly translated as "I love DotA".
See also
Warcraft III
Asian Culture
Korean Sports
Categories: Chibipedia articles Hobbies for the lifeless Things to do which make you cool Life-threatening Addictions Video games that require no skill
07 February, 2007
There is no C in The Legend of Zelda
Mood: In the mood to go slash some grass/chickens
The series of games usually incorporated some puzzle-solving as well as your typical hack-and-slash action. These puzzles were incredibly difficult and a minor 8% of players who played Zelda ripped off their scalps because of the frustration of being unable to figure out a simple "1+1=2". You have to admit, Hyrulean is very hard to read and will cause anyone to shoot themselves if they try to understand it. One puzzle in a particular title was escaping from a hentai rope demon, pictured on the left.The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening (no pun detected)
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (no link detected)