TLC wishes there was a C in LIER Magazine

Today is a sad day indeed for The Letter C office. The cops came and they took everything except our XBOX.

TLC is shutting down. 4 of our staff will be jailed for the next 3 years, and one of us is being deported. Charles was able to secure a job at a rival blog with the help of some friends in high places. Not only that, but they were the ones who called us out.

This is the online blog/mag that he is writing for now: http://liermag.blogspot.com/

You may find our work recycled on there, as LIER Magazine now has rights to all the material that is on this site. The user account for this blog has also been taken over; you can see posts signed by LIER now.

Goodbye. It has been a good 9 months.

TLC wishes it put the C in Starcraft 2

Starcraft 2 is the ultimate wet dream that every Western-world geek has been waiting for. Though some may consider this to be a negative reflection on the attitudes and values of white youths living in the 21st century, anthropologists have reassured the mature population that these fine young people will not grow up to be single, socially-inept 30 year olds, but instead die at the ripe age of 24 in front of a flickering computer monitor, doing what they love.


An estimated 400 million youths will have their sleep patterns altered prior to the release of this long-awaited sequel. Many Korean men have already filed divorces in preparation for 110% immersion into the World of Starcraft. Unnamed military sources reporte that North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il has cancelled nuclear weapon development to engage in 6 months of intensive Starcraft training in order to maintain his title as Number One Gosu Dictator. Ironically, Korean legislation notes that Mr Kim is the only person in North Korea who has legal access to a personal computer.


Blizzard CEO Michael Morhaime has openly stated at a press conference that, "Starcraft 2 has been designed to be more addictive than World of Warcraft. It was specifically engineered to lure the playerbase of EA's Command and Conquer 3 to become loyal Blizzard fans for life. We hope that the Starcraft 2-factor will have such an effect on their belief system that they will give us their life savin-... er, souls. Our company's vision is to reward every person a private Protoss sacrificial ritual so they can be confident that their soul will be lost like a proud Protoss warrior.


Starcraft 2 has generated so much hype, that the late Gerrard Du Galle has risen from the dead to reprise his role as himself in the sequel. He has been spotted at net cafes in Marseilles, his home town, weeping over his wussy suicide back in Brood War. Protoss Carriers have been identified by the Hubble Telescope to be slowly approaching Earth. Astronomers have not yet made contact but are in the process of making some kind of plaque to aid communication with the off-world race. Had these science-geeks left the observatory to socialize during the 20th century, they would have learnt that the Protoss understood and spoke fluent English.


Pope Benedict XVI, the pope who seems to have an opinion on everything, ranging from strawberry icecream to coathangers, had this to say about Starcraft 2: "I sincerely hope that Christ Jesus will not return until Starcraft 2 has been released for at least 6 months. May the risen Lord forgive us all, for surely he Himself is waiting for the very same." Historians found this to be the first pope speech of which geeks and lifeless hobos could agree with, and the Catholic Church has welcomed this new harmony. Geek community spokesperson, teran_firebat69, who could only be reached on ICQ, was quoted as saying, "I haven't showered in 2 weeks, and I intend to stay in these clothes until the Starcraft 2 comes out!"

In other news, the International Garbology Institute counted more than 100 million Warcraft III CDs in their global rubbish collection for the week commencing 14 May 2007.

There is no C in Youtube

Ah, Youtube is surely the household name of the 21st century. Everyone's heard of and visits Youtube on a regular basis - your next door neighbour, your next door neighbour's pet doberman, eskimos and the like included. And at the same time there appear to be just as much a variety in the producers of the videos too. Ever seen that video of Robert Aevin getting probed up the ass by Martians? Yes, even the Martians have access to Youtube.

When Google bought out Youtube, the world was shocked. Even the non-geek population was shocked. Housewives started asking, "Does this mean Google-brand breakfast cereal is just around the corner? Will it taste like binary?" This isn't the first time Google stopped the world in its tracks. There have been other occasions, like the one time the search engine died and school children all over the world could not copy and paste anymore content for their assignments. It was a grand exposure of the true quality of Australia's education system.

Youtube is infamous for having a collection of every episode of LOST that has ever aired, and 60% of the site's subscribers threatened to boycott if this blasphemy was not atoned for. In fact, the variety of video content available is so vast, that the only videos missing from Youtube are clips from Hardcore Japanese Pron Babes XXX Vol. 5 (dear friend of The Letter C, TK Wang, confirmed this for us). The craze of "Youtub-ing" has taken the world by storm, so much that the teenagers of today's society no longer visit Internet cafes to play Counter-Strike together, but rather to enjoy an intimate session of watching stand-up comedy on Youtube with their friends and schoolmates. It's as if Youtubing is a prohibited activity at home or at school, comparable with smoking marijuana in an aeroplane bathroom.

We interviewed several people to get their opinion on the situation.

Kim Kim-Kim, a South Korean mother of three said, "Oooooo... my children..
they watch sad Korean drama on computer all day and we never have quality
family time! It's OK to miss school, but quality time with family number one...
Youtube is a bad!"

Arthur Arthurson, renowned movie director said, "Youtube is great, now I
can save at least 1 million on my budget for clowns, beer and hookers, in that
order."

Invader Zim was unavailable for comment.

There can be no doubt that Youtube is the way of the future - the way of eternal fiery burning and violation of copyright laws.

TLC puts the C in Amazing Race

Truly, truly, Amazing Race is one of the greatest reality shows to come onto Australian home television screens. The gameplay is fast paced, jam-packed and contains more reality show competition cliche's than colloquialisms (sp?) in this freakin' sentence. In Amazing Race, every participant is a winner, even if you don't win. For the superficial, it's a sure way to get your face onto television for many appearances. Well, except for if you're really ugly or a real tight ass, then it's very likely people will like you less after they see you on the show. It is bound to create some tension amongst your friends who are better-looking or more money-hungry than you, provided you have any at all.

Be warned, however, that the Amazing Race is not a game that can be easily emulated for your own recreational purposes. There are way too many factors that can seriously ruin the game, and in the worst case scenario, someone may drop their icecream on the grass and be forced to lick it back up, simply because the instructions demanded it. But do not be worried, if the participants are of Asian heritage, you can be pretty damned sure they WILL lick up that icecream, because there is no way true Asian would spend $2.00 for another icecream cone.

When you are creating minigames for your very own Amazing Race, be sure not to include tedious tasks like setting a new Guiness World Record. Trust us, that kind of quest is impossible and your production team will get fired quick because you will blow your budget. Be sure to get the participants to do fun things, or they will get bored and your ratings will go to the rocks. Get them to try something exotic, like firebreathing, Russian Roulette with an RPG, driving down the highway in reverse gear, or even just eating a live scorpion. Such events are bound to attract a large audience and also the raver community.

Of course, at the end of the race, the winner should be awarded with a prize. Stay away from the really generic stuff, like roses and chocolate; nobody in the world wants to receive those for any reason anymore. There are so many easy ways to make your Amazing Race stand out from all the rest of the wannabes. Useful prizes like a lifetime supply of condoms will definitely score you a ready supply of willing competitors for next season. Just beware: do not offer a lifetime subscription to World of Warcraft, you don't want a plethora of uglie nerdling geekoids applying for your show - seeing "Jedi" as someone's religion is funny the first time, but never again.

I would think of a really witty rhyming pun to Amazing Race to make fun of the show, but I won't because I only have an IQ of 79.

TLC puts the C in Asian haircut

For your average Asian male between age 13-21 there is nothing like ditching your crappy whitey's blade cuts and flat tops and converting to an Asian hairdresser. When you step inside that door, and that promiscuous-looking intern massages your scalp with up to 4 different chemical substances, you will know and realize - this isn't going to be cheap. Remember the very first time when he unsheathed his clippers from his large array of scissory and maybe gave you a wink in the mirror? Yes, he was wearing a wedding ring, and no, he was not married to a woman.

The routine is simple; they wash your hair, you sit down, the hairdresser opens up a Japanese/Korean magazine and you pick a hairstyle. It should be noted that getting Takuya Kimura's haircut will NOT hide your ugliness from the world. Most of the time, a simple haircut will require a decent Asian hairdresser to use up to 4 different types of scissors, but in some match-ups may require to use the rest of their cooldowns.

Asian boys should beware - going into an Asian salon will almost always result in you coming out brandishing the infamous was-cool-maybe-back-in-high-school Asian mullet. Fashion analyst and self-proclaimed metrosexual Clay Clayson tells us that this hairstyle is a double-edged sword of sorts. If you are looking to impress a young lady with this haircut, you better hope she doesn't care about looks. If she doesn't care about looks, then she is most definitely after your money. If you lack both, it is very likely she is lesbian.

In addition to a wild hairdo, all hip Asians should invest in hair colouring to disassociate themselves with their heritage. As of 2005, it was no longer cool to have black hair because that's when the Emo movement began and unfortunately for us Asians, our hair was just too freakin' black. A shade of brown with some blonde highlights is generally acceptable, but if you go for something like fluoro green, you are bound to lose more than just friends. Do not be surprised if your parents will not let you back inside the house. Don't worry, I'm sure they think you look fantastic - it's just that they can't recognize you.

How much should one expect to fork out for a little self-esteem? Well, if you sported a cheesy bowl cut prior to your "made in China" transformation, it is unlikely you had advanced very far in the food-chain of life. In this case, this haircut may cost you your life savings and most if not all of your innocence. Now that you look like an Asian gangsta, you will be expected to act like one by not only your peers, but also your school teachers and personal butler. Be prepared for many parent-teacher meetings.

TLC Crackdown: Uglie Nerd Epidemic

Dear citizens of Planet Earth,

A world-peace-threatening epidemic is just beyond the horizon and fast approaching. Possibly by 2010 AD or sooner, a new race of humans known as Uglie Nerds will spawn from a currently non-existent gene pool and terrorise peaceful neighbourhoods and trample our planet's fragile daffodils and ants. Scientists were warned on the 18th of September, 2006 by a man going under the alias "Time Commando". 20th Century geeks have already confirmed that it is not the guy who starred in the PlayStation game of the same name.

So far, we have little evidence that excessive use of the electronic drug called World of Warcraft will be the cause of this disaster. Moreso, many of the world leaders are unaware that the Internet was used for the intake of illegal data - we thought that people only used it to download pornography. In the event that World of Warcraft is indeed the catalyst for destruction, we have decided that no risks can be taken and that the Internet must be cut away.

After browsing various virtual breeding dens of these Uglie Nerds, named "forums", we have concluded that a blizzard will mark the beginning of the uprising. Our top scientists and environmental activists have, for the first time in 220 years, decided to settle their differences and join together in an act of accelerated global warming. We have predicted that if every household of developed nations burns at least 10Kg of coal per day, the global warming process will be complete by 30th of February, 2008. A total of $470 billion US has been allocated for the development of underwater colonies, water-resistant fireworks and waterproof toasters.

In the event that our leadership has got it totally wrong, we implore all females to stay away from the Internet. We fear that the Uglie Nerds will target those of the feminine gender, regardless of age or location. If you are a parent and you have a daughter who has a MySpace page, then we regret to inform you that it is too late. They will be the first to be swarmed by the Uglie Nerds. Fear not, as we have access to government information detailing your daughter's exact whereabouts and her measurements.

See you later, suckers,
World leaders of the arrogant and smug variety

There is no C in PSP

The PSP was Sony's worst invention since the Sony-brand unopened minidisc shredder back in 1998. PSP is supposedly meant to stand for Playstation Portable, but we prefer to call it the Portable Piece of Sh*t. Yes, we do realize that would make the acronym PPS, but frankly, our care cup is empty.

Sony was faced with a number of problems when the PSP made its initial debut into the portable console race. Not only was the PSP a shoddy piece of sweatshop handiwork, it was also faced with the incredible competition coming from the Nintendo DS, which had already gained a large following because of the crappy kid's title Nintendogs, with the addition of the scat-lover's spinoff version - Nintenbogs.



Consumers and console thiefs complained that the PSP's d-pad was (direct quote from LIER Magazine), "really focking gay" and "so bad it gave me the worst hand whiplash ever." For more information on hand whiplash, please visit Doohickiepedia.org. Not only was the d-pad bad, but the plastic imitation analog stick was worse, resembling a weird potruding speaker of some sort (and yes, 99% of PSP owners including myself held this misconception for at least the first 6 weeks of owning the console).



The shoddy controls immediately made half the initial gamebase redundant. Hardcore fans will remember that 9 out of 10 PSP games released during its first 2 years of failure were fighting or racing games. Players could not steer properly or perform the patented Hadoken motion with their left-thumb. This caused Sony to get embarassed fast, and at a press conference last November, Sony's chairman Sony Mao (yes, that is his real name) tried to hide himself behind a cardboard cut-out of Crash Bandicoot. Oh, hilarity ensued.



However, it did not all go bad for Sony. With the release of Lumines, which we can only describe as something along the lines of Tetris + Winamp + Ecstacy, PSP sales went right up in the raver community, because the only people who were buying the PSP previously were Asian kids with rich parents and white kids who were suffering Wannabe Asian Syndrome. Unfortunately, Sony thought that a Lumines 2 would save their ass, when in fact, most of the ravers who played the original died from the insane deadly formula of Tetris + Winamp + Ecstacy + Glowsticks, with glowsticks being the clear key ingredient for death.

We can only conclude that the PSP will continue to suck at least until the remake of Final Fantasy Tactics is released. When that time comes, Blizzard Entertainment will lose a valuable World of Warcraft customer. Catch my drift?

There is no C in Twenty

Ah, the fifth life crisis (assuming I live to be a hundred years old) is an epic event in most cultures but does not come close to the epicness of the twenty-first birthday. Twentieths are best celebrated with 20 hours on World of Warcraft, whether by yourself or with "girls" you met while on a quest. In the day and age of Internet sexual predation (right word?), it would be most unwise to ask for cyber secks because you might just be speaking with an undercover FBI agent posing as a Night Elf. Pesky alliance!

Inevitably, the birthday boy or girl will most definitely be against the idea of singing Happy Birthday, arguably one of the worst tunes in all of mankind. Bound to make the star of the night as red of a tomato, it is actually a very good form of anti-boner, especially with that frisky Asian boy sitting across from you. The hilarity that may insue from this singing could range from a chair being thrown around, or, perhaps a much more foolproof method, namely pressing full charges.

One of history's most famous twentieth birthdays include Google's. Sir Webley Google, overlord of the Internet search engines went for a night out at the town, enjoying alcohol and inappropriate jokes about how MSN's shares have been losing their value and how nobody thinks of asking Jeeves anymore. For our readers information: Jeeves was actually slain in 2002 in a car "accident", by a colourful Volkswagen Beetle with the number plate "GOOGLE". Very subtle. That very night Google also broke 2 world records: firstly for the Most Number of Hookers Hired for Service in 1 hour, and for First Joke about a Search Engine not related to Google.

Of course, when it comes to choosing a gift, this is always a hard decision, even if you are the reincarnation of Albert Einstein. In almost all situations, buying an XBox for the birthday boy or girl is considered bad form. Flowers, chocolates, clothes, hair dryers, electric pencil sharpeners, self-help books, iPod carry cases and non-alcoholic champagne have made the list of 2007's corniest birthday gifts. It is also the very reason most of these items are no longer popular.

Remember the golden rule friends: Cosmetic surgery can make you look young if you age too quickly.

TLC Crackdown: Gay gamers

Doesn't my hair look so good?

Er, I'm sorry.. what? No, I'm not in the photo.

>_>

Crap, my engagement ring is clearly visible.

# SENSUAL R&B MUSIC #

TLC Crackdown: War on Anti-World of Warcraft-ism

Session Start: Thursday, 15 February 2007
Participants: ...-kun" [/cwong] ISO: WoW CD + Account (chibiwong@hotmail.com) (F) gwo™:. (L)

[7:33:18 PM] [cwong] char: i'm gonna play wrodl of warcraft
man
:)
[7:33:31 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: ROFL
ZOMG YOU NOOB
PLEASE DONT
[7:40:40 PM] [cwong] char: i am going to
i think JC doesn't play anymore
im gonna steal his account
lol
[7:41:02 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: dude that wasnt funny
[7:41:30 PM] [cwong] char: dude
i'm not trolling
i am dead serious
[7:41:39 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: dude you rollsrs
dont try and eb funny
[7:41:48 PM] [cwong] char: i watched ep 8
haven't got ep 9 yet
[7:41:56 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: its boring
8 > 9
[7:42:03 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: but 9 made me angry i guess
[7:42:57 PM] [cwong] char: k
[7:43:01 PM] [cwong] char: shhhh
[7:43:09 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: ROFL SHUT UP DONT PLAY WOW
[7:43:12 PM] [cwong] char: NOOOO
[7:43:19 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: DUDE
[7:43:20 PM] [cwong] char: if i can't get JC's discs + account by tomo
rorw
[7:43:21 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOULL BE FATTY
[7:43:22 PM] [cwong] char: i'm going out to buy them
no man i'm only gonna play a month at a time
[7:43:35 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOU going TO buy BURNING crusade?
[7:43:46 PM] [cwong] char: nope
not until later on
[7:43:59 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOU FAGGOT
[7:44:05 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: NO RESPECT EVER AGAIN
[7:46:13 PM] [cwong] char: plz
:(
[7:46:26 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: noever again
NOT EVER EVER
[7:46:51 PM] [cwong] char: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[7:46:51 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: srsly

[7:47:31 PM] [cwong] char: k.
:(
[7:47:57 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: SO DONT PLAY
[7:48:08 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: chrasto
[7:49:04 PM] [cwong] char: OMG
[7:49:15 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: HO HO HO
MERRY CHRISTMAS JEW
[7:54:06 PM] [cwong] char: lol
sup nab
[7:54:16 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOU SUCK YOU WoW
NERD
[7:54:31 PM] [cwong] char: ROFL
TRICKED
[7:54:36 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: ROFL
NAH
YOU WERE GAY BOY
[7:54:46 PM] [cwong] char: noooooooooooooooooo
[7:54:50 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: I DONT BELIEVE YOU NOW
[7:54:55 PM] [cwong] char: :'(
[7:55:07 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: HIGH PAIRS
[7:55:07 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOU SUCKSORS
[7:56:18 PM] [cwong] char: :(
[7:56:43 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: ITS OVER ITS OVER NOW
[7:58:26 PM] [cwong] char: noooooooo
[7:58:32 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: ITS OVER
[8:06:10 PM] [cwong] char: nooo

[10:05:23 PM] [cwong] char: i just downloaded 1gb worth of patches for
WoW
[10:05:30 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: LMFAO
YOU LIAR
[10:06:35 PM] [cwong] char: no mate
i'm not kidding
do you need to see screenshots?
[10:06:49 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: ID RATHER NOT FAGGORT
[10:06:55 PM] [cwong] char: LOL
TROLLED
[10:07:03 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: FAGGORT
[10:07:06 PM] [cwong] char: its k
i'll name my character after you
[10:07:20 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: NEVERRRRRRR
[10:07:23 PM] [cwong] char: LOOLOLOLOL

World of Warcraft is serious business.

Sepiatone 07

The Letter C presents

Sepiatone 07

A one-day project

Featuring photography by JJayne & C

There is no C in Valentine's Day

Mood: Amorous
Currently listening to: KC & Jojo - All My Life

Yes, it's that time of the year again when sparks fly and star-crossed lovers come out to frolick at the local shopping mall and going home with bags full of useless, pink and red junk they don't need. And no, I am not referring to spare internal organs. It is a special day for all - young and old, mammal or amphibian, living or inanimate - there is something for everyone on Valentine's Day, whether it be love or rejection, nobody goes away empty handed, assuming that heartbreak could manifest into a physical object of some sort, possibly in the form of a sharp knife or rusty razor positioned closely to one's wrist.

Valentine's Day is named after none other than Vincent Valentine, the gun-toting vampire-esque hunk from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy VII. Mr Valentino Rossi was also a candidate to have the holiday origins attributed to him, but unfortunately he is one letter short of fame and glory. Though teenyboppers have been taking advantage of this day to score overly expensive jewelry and doll houses long before the very first Final Fantasy title was released, we would like to remind our readers that Chibipedia is never wrong despite having randomly generated content which gets shuffled every half hour.

For the young, vibrant couple, V-day can be a sweet, romantic occasion that consists of feeding each other little spoonfuls of icecream and taking a long walk on the beach, but most of the time ends up being an awkward affair of trying to hide from the eagle-eyes of Asian aunties who have the strange habit of being everywhere you take your girlfriend/boyfriend, all the damn time. Luckily, their 12-inch binoculars give away their location to allow for a quick change of venue, but their Asian aunty-esque 4-wheel-drives are sure a pain to outrun - trust me, I know.

Valentine's Day could be considered a "lie", as it is the one day of the year that lifeless, desperate, perverted geeks come out of their parents' basements and think that this very day is the mating season of all human females. Unfortunately, they are wrong in believing that just because roses, chocolates and anything pink is going at 50% off they have a higher chance of getting a girl than any other day of the year. Sorry my dear friends to burst your bubble of magic immunity; better roll a 20 to save your face.

An article from LIER Magazine indicates that every year, it is on Valentine's Day that the abundant number of synthetic rose factories around the globe make their biggest profit, in addition to totally killing the Earth's ozone layer with their production machines in overdrive.

Without an answer to any of life's difficult questions, many socially inept males will decide to put it up to the shopkeep and ask, "What's her favourite colour?" Epic fail.

Bento Box Copypasta

I can't be bothered writing anything, lacking inspiration and happy, so I will treat you to my favourite copypastas.

Im looking for a bento box, it cant be pinku (thats japanese for pink) or any girl color. It has to be of 2 or more kotoba (thats japanese for 2 compartments) and has be be chibi (small) sized. And has to be really kawaii (cute). Also It has to be about 10-20 bux. And you have to post pics of it first (i want to make shure it's kawaii [cute]). And it would be nice if it came with matching chopstick holder (WITH chopsticks). OH! and it CANNOT have any cartoon pictures, or be made out of plastic. It has to be made of ceramic, or something like that. Also it would be nice if it was made in japan. and not in china or corea (korea) or whatever. I have found a bento box similar to the one im describing in e-bay, but it was 1 kotoba, and i dont want my gohan (rice) to touch my other things (it can get wet and i would not like that, plus 2 compartments looks more kawaii)

Classic. Please note I did not write this. LOLOLLOLOLOLOLOL!!!11

year3sem1_timetable.jpg

This is my timetable nabs, GG.

There is no C in Wireless

Mood: Hot and sweaty, a good mix
Currently listening to: Clickety-click of 2 kids playing PSP next to me

If birth-control pills were the great relic of the 20th century, then wireless technology is surely the greatest invention of the 21st. We did not bother to check whether or not wireless technology was actually invented in the 21st century but let's pretend!

With the recent acquisition of laptops for our staff (a computer for C, lapdances for everybody else), and the advent of robot hookers, wireless connection (unintended sexual innuendo) has really made life easier for all of us. Today C writes from a family friend's house and is currently in the process of illegally leeching bandwidth from said residence.

We recommend that anyone who is eager to try Ecstacy for the first time to reconsider and try wireless Internet instead, because we feel it is an exceedingly pleasurable experience, far more than what one would feel after taking 20 Ecstacy pills. The only downside to choosing wireless Internet is that you will not get to ride in an ambulance, which would only be considered a real shame if you were 10 years old.

Wireless technology has evolved to many different areas of life to enhance human living. It ranges from wireless underwear to wireless clotheslines. In American 7-Eleven's, there have also been the integration of wireless hot dog cookers and wireless men's interest magazines. Scientists estimate that by 2020 most electronic appliances in the home will be wireless and lower the chance of getting your family pet caught up in a web of dangerous electrical cords. MIT graduates consider this development to have negative effects on the future of human living - primarily because it will be harder to have a Limbo competition in the home kitchen.

Laptop computers have come out of the factory with wireless compatibility as a standard feature for quite some time, and it will only be another decade or so before sandwich toasting and book binding are added onto that list. Be on the lookout for a new iPod with in-built wireless. And car-keys are sure to become wireless very soon. Don't worry about having to put that key into the ignition anymore, just make sure it's somewhere nearby and your car will run. Handy for both you and the carjacker, Hyundai and Kia will be the first companies to install this convenient feature since there's no other way they can get rid of their stock - nobody wants to buy their crappy vehicles. This is conclusively the best way to build a future Earth that everybody can love and share; it will be communist China all over again except more racially-diverse and hopefully there will be cheesecake too.

**To Emily: Get well soon, we are praying for you and our world isn't quite the same without your smile. (f)

Transparent Monitor Illusions by C

The following are transparent monitor illusions by C with his new laptop. He has discovered this lost art at last:

Attempt #1 doing it the "right" way wrongly
Location: My desk

Attempt #2, doing it the "right" way right

Location: My desk

piano_1280wideblack.jpg #REVAMP

A gift for people who love black and orange things:

My laptop wallpaper, revamped.

1280 x 800 resolution for widescreen.

Looks best with Windows XP Zune Theme (requires n3rd-tweaking, could be dangerous).

Le CLAPTOP

Mood: Not in the mood for another boring day at work

Currently downloading (at work): 24 Season 6, Episode 6, Part 2

A6F-AP094P

Outstanding dual-core performance to enjoy multimedia management and digital content creation. Enjoy revolutionary entertainment on the go - A6F with Intel® Centrino® Duo Mobile Technology.

Processor:
Intel® Core™ Duo Processor T2050

Cache :
2MB On-Die L2 Cache, 667 MHz

Operating System :
Microsoft® Windows® XP Professional

Chipset :
Mobile Intel® 945 PM Express Chipset

Memory :
512Mb DDR2 667MHz SDRAM, 2x SO-DIMM sockets for expansion up to 2G

Display :
15.4" WXGA wide Color Shine LCD

Video Graphics :
Integrated Intel® 945 GM VGA

Hard Drive :
80GB 2.5" 9.5 mm IDE HDD with Ultra DMA100 supported

Optical Drive :
DVD Super-Multi

Card Reader :
SD/MMC/MS/MS PRO

Fax/Modem/LAN/WLAN:
Intel® High Definition audio modem and 10/100 Base T
Pass and support worldwide regulation
MiniPCI 802.11/a/b/g
Built-in Bluetooth® V2.0+ EDR

Video Camera :
1.3M Megabyte Pixels

Interface:
1 x Headphone-out jack
1 x Microphone-in jack
1 x Line-in Jack
1 x RJ11 Modem jack for phone line
1 x RJ45 LAN Jack for LAN insert
4 x USB 2.0 ports,
1x IEEE 1394 port
1 x TV Out (S-Video)
1 x Type II PCMCIA 2.1 compliant
1 x Printer Port
1 x VGA Port

Audio :
Built-in Intel High Definition audio compliant audio chip
SoundBlaster Pro Compatible
Built-in stereo speakers (1.5W)

Keyboard :
19 mm full size 88key with MS-Windows function keys

Battery :
8 cells 4800mAh, 71Whrs
Charging time: 4hrs/2.5hrs
(System On/ Off) to 95%

AC Adapter :
Output: 19 V DC, 3.42 A, 65W
Input: 100— 240V AC,
50/60Hz universal

Dimensions:
354 x 284 x 35.2 mm (W x D x H)

Weight :
2.85 Kg (15.", 8 cell battery pack)

claptop_desktop.jpg

Behold, and be in awe.

C is for Commitment

Mood: Mushyromanticsquishywub (L)w(L)
Currently listening to: Aya Hirano - God Knows

This article containing quality relationship advice was written by Dr Luigi
D'facto and edited by The Letter C.

There was a young couple I once knew who only just began their relationship. The girl got a pet kitten a little while into their relationship. The guy wouldn't go near it and threatened to bail. She had named it Commitment. Of course, after many reformations of tradition and BGR (boy girl relationships), commitment isn't just something that guys try to dodge by changing the subject with their girlfriends. Most guys of the modern era would much rather turn gay than enter a committed relationship with a girl, out of fear of getting abducted by aliens and/or having to leave the house and being exposed to sunlight.

Commitment does seem rather daunting, possibly because that 90% of males cannot articulate the word and the 95% of those guys don't know what it means. Too often I hear my lady friends complain about their boyfriends who say, "Huh, com-mit-what? Is that a Korean sidedish?" The fact that these unknowing males confuse the word with a Korean sidedish is a great blow to my faith in my own gender.

Commitment could mean one of several things in a relationship. For one, it could simply be picking her up on time for your date or waiting for her to arrive even if she's 2 days late. A committed gentleman will stand in the rain for up to an entire week if his beloved does not arrive for any reason, and he will not call her either, so as not to appear a desperate perverted geek. Depending on the female partner, whether she is a black belt in Karate or meek Japanese schoolgirl, she may or may not open a can of whoop-ass in your direction if you fail at any of the above.

Secondly, commitment means paying for everything. Remember the golden rule: Girls love money and pink things. If at any time she has to fork out just 5 cents for anything, it's over. Letting her pay is recognized as taboo in 57 world countries. In a select 12 countries around the world, you may even get arrested and put into prison if you don't treat her like she's a cheapo. Remember, if she says she wants something, even if a really jokingly way and after she asserts, "I was just kidding!" more than 5 times, be prepared to whip out that credit card faster than she can whip out her whip (no pun intended). Unfortunately, applying for a second credit card for her sake will not suffice, because girls are always wanting to know if you're really listening. And also because they enjoy torturing those of the male gender. I speak from experience when I say it is more the latter than the former.

Commitment also includes acting like a total jackass so that she appears cultured in your presence. You must act more stupid and immature than her at all times, even if it means getting suspicious looks from the security guard standing a few metres away. Inability to comply with this standard of commitment probably wouldn't make a whole lot of difference anyway because you require no effort to bring out the jerk in yourself. If this is the case, then ask yourself: Why hasn't she dumped me? You should be cautious from now on. Either she is after nothing but your money, or she might be a zombie who is after nothing but your brain (unfortunately for her, if you are male you are probably lacking in that department).

A committed gentleman will always listen to his lady and somehow always be able to remind her that she's special to him. A perverted gentleman will always pretend he's listening but have his eyes fixed on her cleavage. This is also known as the "epic fail". Nodding at irregular intervals and grunting incessantly will not make a good impression on your lady, as she will be quick to pick up on your tactlessness. When your relationship has reached this stage, it may be too late to secure some health insurance. According to recent statistics, only 10% of males will survive the ass-whooping delivered to them for not listening, and only 2% of these will still be able to have children. A staggering figure of only 0.6% will get to tell their grandkids, and only 0.018% will admit to getting beat up by their girlfriend on the first date.

Please mail your dating questions addressed to Dr Luigi D'facto at the following address:

214 Love Tunnel Lane
Dumpville 4411
Queensland, AUSTRALIA

TLC Crackdown: When Jack killed Dumbledore

The art of "spoiling" has been thoroughly practised throughout the years - by hoodlums, by parents and by FILTHY FUN-LOVING F(**&^KING NOOBTRASH FILTH OMGGGGG

***WARNING: This post may contain traces of nuts and spoilers of 24 Season 6. Proceed with caution. Wear a paper bag over your head if necessary.

The content of this post may potentially affect you as much as someone telling you the horrible truth that, "You fail at life." C is currently on the roof of the building right now, planning to jump.

We do not condone this horrible crime that hath befallen upon our chief editor, and do not encourage it to be done anywhere else. This act of spoiling has marked the end of a beautiful blogging career of C, a wonderful gentleman who spent his weeknights appreciating the finer things in life - such as Naruto yaoi, Durian flavoured icecream and cufflinks.

This is a condemnation of spoiling and we hope that many others who have had their TV/novel/gardening experience ruined because of a lack of consideration by filthy noobtrash who really "meant no harm" can relate to and find closure by reading this chatlog of C's last e-words.

As we type this final paragraph, policemen are on the roof trying to coax C away from the edge of the building with money, heterosexual pornography, a 5-star holiday trip to Switzerland and a fishing lure shaped like mermaid. Little do they know, C has no interest in any of these things. We must finish this post soon, we cannot bear to see his fragile Asian body float down to the ground floor and risk him floating into the industrial bin where all our stolen PS3s are hidden.

Remember kids: don't spoil anything for anyone you love, not even if it means you will procure that priceless reaction which you could sell on ebay for triple your superannuation.

**LAST WARNING: The following chat log contains spoilers of 24 Season 6. While The Letter C is extremely careful in ommitting sensitive information, there may be traces of meat.











.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
Session Start: Saturday, 27 January 2007
Participants:
...cwong] Hi, my name is Postmodernist. (chibiwong@hotmail.com)
(F) gwo™:. (L)
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.

[12:18:47 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: grahme bauer
theres also josh bauer
[12:18:50 PM] [cwong] Char: OMG
STFU
[12:18:53 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: :P:
[12:18:54 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo
[12:18:59 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: LMFAO
[12:19:01 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: you have to dl man
its
an awesome episode
[12:19:04 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
i'm dling part 1
[12:19:12 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOU MISS OUT
[12:19:15 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[12:19:29 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: LMAO
[12:19:33 PM] [cwong] Char: YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
[12:19:33 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: this is
freaking gold
WALLID
LMFAO
[12:19:36 PM] [cwong] Char:
FOCKINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNn
[12:19:37 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: LMFAO
SANDRA
WAYNE
[12:19:40 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[12:19:42 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: JACK
CHLOE
MILO
[12:19:46 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[12:19:48 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: BILL
GRAHAME
[12:19:52 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[12:19:54 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: PHILLIP
[12:19:55 PM] [cwong] Char:
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
[12:19:56 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: jOSH
[12:19:58 PM] [cwong] Char:
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGG
[12:20:01 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: JACK
[12:20:02 PM] [cwong] Char: FOCKING
DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

What a great man C was, a defender of the drug-addicted and wielder of the pen. His last e-words really do carry a special meaning and touch us very deeply in every way. Goodbye fair lady, you will surely be missed.