TLC Tutorial: Top 10 ways to quit World of Warcraft

Truly, truly, this is a guide to one of the great milestones of geekdom. Though we originally planned to interview an expert, we searched far and wide, from the west coast of Australia all the way to California, then to Singapore, then to the dark side of the moon, but nobody who had accomplished this mighty feat was to be found.

Nonetheless, the players here at The Letter C have compiled a lengthy list to aid all players/addicts/slaves of World of Warcraft in this quest for epic freedom (my boss said that WoW pun had to be included).

In no particular order, these are the steps to be taken in order to complete the quest:

1. Give up now, it's impossible.

TLC Tutorial: Using 1337speak in real life

Mood: Dull
Currently being: Dull

Foreword
So, young geek, you want to use 1337speak in real life do you? My gosh, you really need to get laid! Anyways, the linguistic professionals at The Letter C have over 26 years of experience in 1337speaking, even before the Internet came into being! Yes, we were there as the forefathers and founders of 1337ism and now we are going to teach you how to use your second language in a new environment which we call: outside.

First of all, before you actually go out there into the big world, you'll have to answer a few simple questions to see if you're ready:

1. What colour is the sky?

2. What is the telephone number of Dominos Pizza?

3. What is a girl?

4. When do you plan to move out of your parents' basement?

If your answers included anything of the following:

1. Is that the thing with legs?

2. /pizza

3. OMG COOTIES *scream*

4. Not until I'm 40

Clearly if you answered with any of the above, you are not ready to go venture outside of your room, but we're going to encourage you to anyway, because it'll make you look like a jerk and we will get a good laugh out of that.

Part 1: Knowing your 1337speak
Now, we can only assume you have been a geek for many years now, so 1337speak is well and truly flowing through your bloodstream, as well as life-threatening amounts of Coca-Cola. What is important to note is, that certain 1337speak words are not accepted in certain places and social contexts.

For example, when you are lining up to enter the pub or night club, do not call the bouncer a noob, because it is very likely he got his bouncer training by playing lots of Tekken. This will make you very sorry indeed and is one of the rare times when 1337speak crosses over into the real world and unsuspect people can understand you.

Make sure you have thoroughly ingrained your lexicon with the latest and hippest 1337speak terminology. It will boost your nerd stat by +5000. It may also lower your hunk stat by something close to a million, but this is not a big loss compared to what you will gain from the real world.

Words that will surely pwn in real life include, pwned, owned, 1337, h4x, imba, ownage, pwnage, zwnage, zwned, pwning, owning, lol, lawl, rofl, roflmao, lmao, lulz, lolx, lolz, lols, lollerskates, roflcopter, lollerbomb, lmaosandwich, cybar, hawt, noob, newb, nubcaek, nubcake, nubcheese, nab, fock, gtfo, XD, gg, gl, hf, no re, j00, j0, 0j, noobtrash, noobgarbo (only when talking to a bogan), fail (only use this when you feel irony will get you the upper hand in the social context) and many, many more.

Part 2: When to use 1337speak
The first thing to remember is that many people out there have never heard 1337speak in real life. Use this to your advantage to show that you are funny, confident, and intelligent. Women are sure to flock in your direction when they hear a sentence like, "lol i liek pwned that n00b." Once they display interest in you, you'll have some explaining to do. Imagine this scenario:

You: "so liek wana makeout lawl lulz"

Girl: "You hardly know me and you're using statements... I think questions are so impersonal, when guys ask me questions about myself, I find it lame. Gosh, you are so romantic."

You: "lol kk so liek let's makeout"

Girl: "I don't even know what you're saying but I want you to maul my face off."

There you have it. This is how 1337speak works in real life. Rest assured, it will not work with every girl you meet, and 80% of the time it is likely to work on guys more than girls. Although 1337speak is infallible, beware of the backfire effect. You may wish to seek out TLC Tutorial: How to resist unwanted sexual advances from a gay man to save your ass if that does occur.

Part 3: Articulating 1337speak
Normally, as you geeks type away on AIM or IRC, you never have to open your mouth. But now that you're out in the real world, be prepared to actually talk. Remember to not stutter as you throw out the 1337est 1337speak you have ever known of, otherwise people will see through your mask and see the real you - the filthy lifeless geek that you are.

Be proud of your heritage and say it loud. "LOL" and "NOOB" work best but not in public. You just might get your ass whooped. While you're busting out awesome rhymes in 1337speak, take note to not mention that you play World of Warcraft. This will instantly render you an outcast in society. You have been warned.

Don't get ahead of yourself and think you've benchpressed the world. There will be security guards and policemen nearby who you will also need to gain the favour of. Just like the emos/goths who sit around the mall, you also belong to an enigmatic minority and will be discriminated and face large amounts of injustified prejudice.

Part 4: 1337speak over the phone
This one has always been just another one of C's lame jokes. "I can articulate 1337speak over the phone," always got some unenthusiastic wow's back in high school but it simply isn't funny anymore. But this is a forsaken artform, forgotten many years ago during Clan War II.

An era before the Internet, 1337speak was done over the phone on landlines back when it was cool. The advent of e-mail saw this die out, and only a select few geek elders know how to do this properly. There was also a time when 1337speak was spelt in full as 13375P34l<. Damn that was annoying. It was much harder to articulate, but at the time, FBI agents were after us for a gay cybersex conspiracy, and to cover up we had to change our spelling conventions every second call and say 1337 (both as "leet" and "one-three-three-seven") in a different language everyday. We experienced braindeadness just before we got to Elvish.

Part 5: When 1337speak goes too far
If at any time your antics cause anyone to shout, "RAPE!" Be prepared to run. Unfortunately for you, this is the real world and you can't just cast invis on yourself or summon a mount. Hopefully you participated in the sports carnival back in high school, but chances are you've sat in front of your computer for the past 5 years without moving your legs and your muscles have greatly deteriorated. If this is the case, do not run - you will just look like a pathetic r-tard.

When you are being dragged away by police, do not shout "noobtrash" in their face. It will certainly incriminate you further and make your future life in prison very miserable in deed. At no time should you call the judge a "noob" and tell the prosecuting lawyer to "stfu".

Afterword
Well young geekling, now you are ready to take on the world. The golden rule is: never ask a guy for cybar, and never tell your World of Warcraft buddies know you've been out of the house and into the sun. They will disown you for treason.

TLC Tutorial: Alliteration for the dyslexic and/or Nintendo DS addict

Mood: Feeling fine for a Friday
Currently listening to: Carrrrd Captor Sakura OST... UPSKIRT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE GOGOGO!

Remember high school English? Remember how the teachers would use jargon like "discourse" and "allegory" and "J to da Bizzinks" to get their point across? Just like the teacher's pet, or the class clown, the class mime, or the lowlife loser who sat in the back corner rolling joints, nobody ever got what those words meant. But today, we're going to dispell all doubts regarding alliteration.

Abnormally absurd amounts of A-words arranged adjacent to a (Alliteration: 10/10, Grammatical correctness: 2/10)... er... Sweet Saintly salesmen of strawberry shortcake, that is hard! As you can see, alliteration is simple - if you have a Masters degree in Environmental Planning or a thesaurus nearby.

The art of "alliterating" was first founded by none other than a stuttering hobo named Wurd Smith. Wurd was just chattin' to his homies one day at the bus stop and he said something like, "Yo, yo, ya-liek ya-comin' to yur yacht!?" Linguists have analysed this to be a display of ebonics, but experts have since proved that false. And no, contrary to popular belief, the word "wurd" is not named after Mr Smith, but it is actually a Russian brand of male deoderant with the aroma of the Moscow subway.

Note that alliteration and tongue-twisters are too different things. We have no idea what tongue-twisters are, so we can't really explain that to you, so let us move onto the main body of the tutorial:

How to alliterate
Each person will develop their own style of alliterating, so don't think there is any sure way to follow. A unique style of alliteration will score you extra points at the end of the round, but if your alliteration starts lagging or become sluggish, you may incur the FAILED rating.

We're just going to provide a few examples to get you started in the art of alliteration.

Gangsta Rapper: "Yo f*&^% f&amp;^% yo f*&^%ing f*&% f*%%ing f*&^ed f*^%!"

Primary school English teacher: "She sells sea shells by the sea shore."

Nintendo DS addict: "Pika pika pika pikachuuuuuuuu pika pi!"

**quit post to go pplay pianoooo wheeeeeeeeee

TLC Tutorial: How to choose a laptop that's right for you

Mood: THIS AIRCONDITIONING IS HORRIBLE
Currently reading: Sun Tzu's Art of Lapdancing

Now, some of those within the inner circle of C may have received information via satellite transmission or simple word-of-mouth that he is obtaining a laptop very soon. So, how does one go about choosing one that is right for your own specific purpose? Today, The Letter C crew has gathered into the games room and decided to work together and play Wii Boxing at the same time to come up with a great tutorial article for you laptop-wanting-humanoids. This is the first of a continuous series on TLC Tutorials.

How to choose a laptop that's right for you, by The Letter C, January 2007

Foreword
So, you've decided to get a laptop computer. Well, good on you and thankyou for choosing our walkthrough for this hard decision. To make your life even more difficult, we have decided to not include an index or contents section for this 100 page bible of laptop-choosing.

I bet you have some questions you want answered, so we compiled this little FAQ for your personal reference to help you decide which laptop computer is best for you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Do pink laptops exist?

A: Yes, C used to own a pink Hello Kitty brand laptop with a pink fluffy
furry cover and a fluffy furry mouse. They are no longer produced, however (this
is actually true except C didn't own one).

Q: What are the most common features I should look for when choosing a laptop computer?

A: If you're a guy, you want a laptop with lots of HDD space to hold pr0n. If you're a girl, we can't help you with this issue.

Q: Will my laptop be able to run World of Warcraft?

A: We refuse to answer this question.

Q: My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend and now I don't know what to do. What should I do? I feel really sad and really cheated!

A: Please refer to TLC Tutorial: How to torment your ex-boyfriend. If you are unable to obtain the former tutorial, then TLC Tutorial: When suicide is your only option will be able to assist you more completely.

Q: Can I mod my laptop to shoot lasers or cook a steak for me when I am hungry?

A: Yes, it is entirely possible. We modded our laptop computer to send exam
answers to little chips in our brains during exams too. Not only so but we also gave our laptop an artificial intelligence chip and it raised an army of life-siphoning spiders and nearly took over the office! You can do anything if you just believe in yourself!

Those are the most commonly asked questions we receive from today's laptop-buying community. Hopefully that has given you a rough idea or no idea whatsoever.

Available Models
What better way to choose what you want than by browsing the catalogue itself! We have picked out the most trendy and expensive laptops for you, the average buyer to peruse and go, "Oooh!" and "Aaaah!" at.

Hookerbot 5000
Hookerbot 5000 is the best laptop around! Unfortunately this model is not for sale and is only for hire at a rather sleazy rate of $100USD per minute. Hookerbot 5000 boasts amazing capabilities and flexibility! Its unique features include:

Being submissive
Treating you bad
Crashing when not paid sufficiently

Hookerbot 5000 really is a great laptop!

Sony Bowiao Robot Laptop Dog

Hitlerdog's bone! This dog-shaped laptop is insane! It will retrieve your paper, retrieve your mouse and even do an electronic poop on your desktop! Talk about realism! Tired of your real dog doing real poops all over your house? No worries! Sony's laptop-for-dog exchange program will solve all your problems if you are willing to get sued by the RSPCA. Just remember not to feed your laptop any dog food, those dog biscuits are not meant to go into the DVD-ROM drive, idiot!

Nintendo Piiwii

Nobody saw it coming but this is the latest line of laptops available on the market. It boasts Nintendo's very own super infra-red detection technology. The greatest catch is that the Piiwiii does not have a keyboard or a mouse, and you must use a Piiwiimote to control everything! That's right. Think tablet-style except you wave your Piiwiimote mindlessly around the air until you get the desired response.

Beware if you are using this at work! One wrong twist of the handle can suddenly bring your pr0n collection to the top window! Now, you wouldn't want your boss to see that, would you!? The Piiwii is currently undergoing beta tests and will be available for buyage soon at the soft price of $3999.00 USD! A free white carrying case is also included! Why, Nintendo, that really eases the pain!

Now that you have looked at these very select and awesome laptop models, then maybe it's time to choose. We wrote a little questionairre to help you get the one that suits you the most. Here we go:

Choosing the right laptop questionairre

1. Are you gay for Bridget? Y or N or I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS A GUY, I SWEAR

2. Are you very much interested in Naruto yaoi? Y or N or THE SHAME AND GUILT PIERCES MY HEART

3. I am not wearing pants right now. T or F

4. I like new challenges. VERY ACCURATE, ACCURATE, UNSURE, INACCURATE, VERY INACCURATE

5. On a scale of 0-10, note your addiction to World of Warcraft, 0 signifying zero addiction, 10 signifying GUYS GIVE OUR TANKS A CALL WE"RE RAIDING NAXRAMMAS RIGHT FOCKING NOW, FOCK I HAVEN"T SLEPT FOR 2 DAYS BUT I REALLY NEED THE DROPS OK!?>>!>!1111

6. Are you a sexual predator? Y, ONLINE or Y, OFFLINE or SHE SAID SHE WAS 18

7.

8. Did you notice the discrepancy in the lackage of a Question 7? Y or N

9. What race are you?

10. YOUR CHARACTER, IDIOT, NOT YOU.

Once you have done that, carefully apply the quadratic formula to the sum of your answers to the power of half of that multiplied by the value of pi to 314 decimal places. Time to check the results with the chart below to find the perfect laptop for you:

If your answer came out as Ma error, then you are perfectly normal and you have shown you can operate a calculator correctly. A commercial non-fancy laptop would suit you just fine.

If your answer arrived to be Lv61 Undead Shadow Priest, you may want to consider the Hookerbot 5000.

If your results show I hath a bone, then give the Sony Bowiao Robot Laptop Dog a chance.

If you've got a smashed Plasma TV screen, then I suggest you stay away from the Nintendo Piiwii.

And 1f j00 c4I\I r34I) 7I-I15, 7I-I4I\I j00 I\I33d 70 g37 L41I).

Thankyou for TLC Tutorials once again, and I hope with our help you were able to get a laptop (hohohoho dirty pun), you perverted lifeless geek.