TLC Obituary: Professor Oak

Professor Oak (June 6, 1947, Viridian City Hospital - March 21, 2006, Pallet Town Pokemart) was a visionary and pioneer of Pokemon research. Not only a renowned expert in Pokemon knowledge, Oak was also the grandfather of an arrogant elitist grandson, Gary Oak. Oak graduated from Pokemon University at the age of 18 to pursue a career in adult photography, but made a shift to the study of Pokemon when he turned 23. His reason for doing so was never shared with his family nor peers, but recently discovered memoirs of the professor recorded him saying:

"It was the sight of Charizard's long, slender neck that did it for me. It was the most erotic sight I had ever witnessed and I longed to explore it further."

Oak was both a scholar of his field and a crazed fan, and was often called the "Father of Pokemon", after being caught on one occassion to mate with a Nidoqueen. For the many years following this incident, he argued that it was a far better situation than if Nurse Joy or Officer Jenny were found in his bed. Only Nurse Joy agreed to this, and through a number of sexual affairs and time-machine mishaps, Officer Jenny gave birth to Professor Oak's grandson, Gary Oak. To this day, this dark and wounding secret is kept hush-hush because nobody is really sure which Officer Jenny was the real mother and how the bloodline managed to skip a generation. Extensive DNA testing proved that Professor Oak was 20% Pokemon.

While Professor Oak was portrayed as a rather eccentric figure on the Pokemon animated series, in real life he was more conservative and would only cook pizza in the microwave when nobody was watching. It was found several years after the first series of Pokemon that Professor Oak was actually not qualified in his field of Pokemon research and was in fact a fraud who photoshopped his diploma.

Oak was a brave man, once fighting off several Geodudes by himself without any aid from humans or Pokemon or ninjas (who are not human) or alien robotic tentacle cyborgs from Mars (or their Venus counterparts). He was then inducted into the Pokemon Hall of Fame with his team of Ninetails, Espeon, Nidoqueen, Rapidash, Celebi and Jigglypuff. It should be noted the fact that Professor Oak's team consists of only female Pokemon is no coincidence and full charges were pressed against him shortly before he died in captivity by American corporate billionaire tyrants.

He left to his grandson Gary a total of 20 thousand unused Pokeballs, his wife's Pokemon furs wardrobe, a year-pass to Pokemon-themed theme park Pokemon Land and an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with salarymen's savings that the craze hoarded for the past 10 years.

Professor Oak's greatest and most notable achievements include:

Contributing research to the fight against Pokemon AIDS

Being the first senile old man to use Pokemon in a sexual act

Being the first senile old man in the Pokemon profession to grandfather an arrogant snob-faced bastard

Making an extra $40,000 a year for Pokemon industries by posing as a hobo

Appearing on a Pokemon card

Not appearing on a milk carton

Through the greatest of adversities, Professor Oak, even in his old age manages to get out of the retirement home every once in a while, and has been spotted on many occassions by The Letter C. This is our salute to the great Pokemon professor; a picture of the man himself molesting some children and their Pikachu:

Professor, you will be missed.