TLC Crackdown: Uglie Nerd Epidemic

Dear citizens of Planet Earth,

A world-peace-threatening epidemic is just beyond the horizon and fast approaching. Possibly by 2010 AD or sooner, a new race of humans known as Uglie Nerds will spawn from a currently non-existent gene pool and terrorise peaceful neighbourhoods and trample our planet's fragile daffodils and ants. Scientists were warned on the 18th of September, 2006 by a man going under the alias "Time Commando". 20th Century geeks have already confirmed that it is not the guy who starred in the PlayStation game of the same name.

So far, we have little evidence that excessive use of the electronic drug called World of Warcraft will be the cause of this disaster. Moreso, many of the world leaders are unaware that the Internet was used for the intake of illegal data - we thought that people only used it to download pornography. In the event that World of Warcraft is indeed the catalyst for destruction, we have decided that no risks can be taken and that the Internet must be cut away.

After browsing various virtual breeding dens of these Uglie Nerds, named "forums", we have concluded that a blizzard will mark the beginning of the uprising. Our top scientists and environmental activists have, for the first time in 220 years, decided to settle their differences and join together in an act of accelerated global warming. We have predicted that if every household of developed nations burns at least 10Kg of coal per day, the global warming process will be complete by 30th of February, 2008. A total of $470 billion US has been allocated for the development of underwater colonies, water-resistant fireworks and waterproof toasters.

In the event that our leadership has got it totally wrong, we implore all females to stay away from the Internet. We fear that the Uglie Nerds will target those of the feminine gender, regardless of age or location. If you are a parent and you have a daughter who has a MySpace page, then we regret to inform you that it is too late. They will be the first to be swarmed by the Uglie Nerds. Fear not, as we have access to government information detailing your daughter's exact whereabouts and her measurements.

See you later, suckers,
World leaders of the arrogant and smug variety