C is for 2006

Mood: y
Currently listening to: Angela Aki - Kiss Me Goodbye, theme song of Final Fantasy XII

At long last, the year of 2006 will be reaching an end. Many philosophers and accountants have debated over whether the year actually ends on the second before or the second after midnight on December 31. The Letter C was able to catch an interview with many famous figures to get their opinion on 2006. In the spirit of celebration, this is the first time our crew did not have to pay for our interviews. With the money we saved from not chequebooking, we were able to purchase that penthouse apartment we've always wanted in Brisbane CBD. Other miscellaneous items we cashed on were a 2004 Rolls Royce and a refrigerator containing a year's supply of alcohol for 2007. C is a non-drinker, so we, being the nice imaginary co-workers that we are bought him Britney Spears' fairy floss-esque perfume. He has been trying it on himself for the last 30 minutes in the office bathroom, much to our horror.

We actually got to have a chat with 7 celebrities, but we will be only publishing the 2 which we felt were most satireworthy. The following are the musings of Galileo and Kool-aid Man on 2006.

Unfortunately, we were unable to retrieve our interview with Galileo "Galilea-e-i-o-u" Galilei, inventor of the Violin and the Pizza and wrote our own based on what we could remember from the original.

"Ah this year was epic for science and of course my favourite event of the year was the release of the Nintendo Wii. Head of Nintendo Italy, Epily Seiseur invited me over for many dinners and we talked about their new console. I was so excited about the science used in the Wii. Mr Seiseur had known me many years and we used to play Dr Mario against each other in our childhood. We were almost certain the console was to be named Nintendo Galileo after me because of the infra-red technology which I helped pioneer and popularize back in the 1670s. I very much hope that in 2007 they will release another console which will be named after me with a weird kind of controller, hopefully one that uses thermal science because I invented the thermometer."

Kool-aid Man did not say much during the interview, but became extremely excited when we asked, "Did sales go up this year?" Kool-aid Man began to bounce around and yell, "Ya, ya, ya!" and eventually tripped on his own new Persian rug. For legal reasons, we cannot disclose the details of what happened, but it vaguely reminded us of a glass jug dropping onto the ground.

With those two tearjerking reflections on 2006, we at The Letter C are also entering into our final preparations for the Y2K7 epidemic by stocking up on alcohol, pre-paid phone credit and glow sticks. We bid farewell to our readers forever and the year 2006 for a few weeks. C has wagered his PS3 that 2006 will come crawling back for him. Ha, ha, ha. Get real kiddo.

C is for Caloundra

Mood: LE PARLEZ VOUS FRANCAIS DESU

Currently: uploading photos of our pilgrimage

Today was an epic day for the BCAC Crew as we drove our way through the terrible traffic jam of the highway and arrived at the Caloundran Jetty. Unfortunately, there was no Save Point present and there were high level wild pelicans wandering about.

Armed with only a camera, a boy named C was given the quest of documenting the events of this memorial day. The other party members chose fishing rods as their weapons and ventured onto the wooden planks, hoping to catch animals known only as "fish".

Several party members were injured, and, lacking in potions, we had no choice but to yield to the mighty power of the pelican. Did the BCAC Crew make it out of the Caloundran Jetty alive?

*PRESS START TO VIEW PHOTOS*
CLICK THAT LINK TO SEE PHOTOS

Photography by C, with the exception of a few

TLC puts the C in Speech Synthesizer

Mood: T_T_T__T____Ttt-t----tt
Currently: smelling like fish and the sea

The Letter C has reached a milestone with the new-age technology of speech synthesis. No longer will C have to write anything for himself when he can get a robotic voice to say it for him.

Cue embedded .mp3 files!

Please note, on the 5th wave the bot is saying "Ha, ha, ha". I have received complaints from parents of some readers who were under the delusion that it was saying something much more vulgar.

I have never heard a truer 5 random sentences in a row, ever.

There is no C in Ninja Quest 8

Mood: ?:/ que?

Currently smoking: 10 year old copy of MAD Magazine Hokeycon Special

Today The Letter C is going to crap on about another video game. We hereby declare that Ninja Quest 8 was not a randonly generated game name and that such a game may actually exist!

Ninja Quest 8 was written by none other than Carl Winemaker (no relation to Carlos Winedrinker or Carlton Windbreaker). In his still ongoing career, Carl Winemaker was most famous for creating Ninja Quest's second to seventh instalments. Nobody knows if Mr Winemaker stole his idea from the man/woman/dog/rock that made the original Ninja Quest. This is because nobody cared whether the idea of the game was stolen or not. Anyone who played Ninja Quest 8 instantly became a fanboy and today we will document its latest sequel.

Plot Synopsis:

NQ8 is, surprisingly, not about a ninja but rather revolves around an American salaryman by the name of John Dough (no relation to John Doe or Joe Dough). It is the year 2018 and all the rivers and oceans of the world have been poisoned by an unknown brown substance called Cococa-Cola. In the light of such dark times, John Dough is on a quest for the last safe-to-eat piece of sashimi, which reminds him of his childhood when he eats it.

*WARNING: SPOILERS*

During the course of the game, John Dough befriends famous ninjas such as Musashi, Naruto and Chairman Kaga. The player might meet some lesser known ninjas such as Yamaha (who made pianos and motorcycles when he retired as a ninja), Spiderman (who in fact is actually a ninja) and last but not least, Shinobi who is known by all fans of the video game Shinobi.

C's latest fictional love interest

The game's genre is hard to describe. It is a cross between DDR, Tetris and Initial D. Gameplay videos could not be released because Mr Winemaker threatened to "press full charges". As mentioned before, anyone who has played this game instantly is converted into a mindless fanboy. The Letter C regrets being unable to obtain unbiased opinion on this game.

Screenshot of Ninja Quest 8 in action

Graphics in NQ8 have been hailed as revolutionary for their time. Unfortunately, this statement would only have been true had Ninja Quest 8 been released in the 1980s. Ninja Quest 8 has won a number of awards as listed below:

Awards won by Ninja Quest 8:

Best game featuring crappy graphics and ninjas: 2-in-1 category

Better game than Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire

Better game than Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

Best game starring an American salaryman

Best game featuring Spiderman as a supporting character

First game ever to feature sushi mastication system

First game ever to feature DDR, Tetris and Initial D elements

And the most prestigious award...

Best Ninja Quest since Ninja Quest 7

There is no C in Windows Movie Maker

Mood: LOLOL *_*
Currently dreaming about: becoming a movie director

It is common knowledge that I, C, directed many hit films such as Star Wars: Return of the King under a pseudonym which I cannot reveal. Yet, as I am confronted with the task of man-handling Windows Movie Maker, I am left bamboozled at its crappy Microsoft workmanship.

After watching some spoof dub vids on Youtube, I decided it was time to make my own. The guys at TLC headquarters were looking for food in the dumpster around the corner one evening, and happened to find a brand new microphone. They brought it home and we have been playing it ever since. The crew must have spent at least 5 hours rummaging in the bin because they came back with 4 basketballs, 15 seafood platters and Hungry Jack's coupons from the future. It was absolutely amazing.

Without further ado, we present the very first TLC Film:

The OC from the Simpsons dubbed badly.

Directed by
C

Voices by
C

Ringtone .wav file from
Joe "Barry" Wong

Original clip provided by
Gwo

Lame and random humour by
(the culprit has not yet been found)

C is for Christmas

Mood: ¯o¯*yawndesu*
Currently playing: Final Fantasy XII (please... save me from this horrible addiction)

Jesus lives!

Merry Christmas to all.

From,

The Letter C

There is no C in Final Fantasy XII

Mood: #$*^$*%&!!!!
Currently suffering from: Gaming ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)

*WARNING: This post may be disturbing to some readers, particularly to Square-ENIX fanboys (C is an ex-fanboy). The Letter C exposes Final Fantasy XII and falsely portrays it to be a crap game (no, seriously, it scales 11/10 on the crap scale). If you are a Square-ENIX fanboy/fangirl, then The Letter C wishes to express our sincere condolences now because this post may make you cry (by "may" we mean "most certainly", and by "cry" we mean "shoot yourself"). If our subliminal messaging has taken effect, please, do what you have to do now and save yourself the pain of finding out the truth, because Square-ENIX is the devil.


Final Fantasy XII: The Review
The Letter C

Final Fantasy XII was prominently released several weeks ago (maybe even months ago) in North America. As copies were being imported from America, I received news that pirates had raided the ship that carried the goods. For this very reason, I, through some semi-reliable sources, was able to obtain a copy of the game and thought it was absolutely necessary for me to share my impressions with the world.

Storyline: 11/10
Basically, Final Fantasy XII's story is a lot like Bravehearts(actually, I am not really quite sure if there are similarities at all). Anyways, the main character is a nobody named Vain who, ironically is some stupid whiny kid who is pretty vain. Throughout the game you will find him beating up anybody who disses his absolutely horrible haircut. I mean, get a grip dude. And then there's your heroine, a Joan of Arc-esque princess named Ash (no relation to Ash Ketchum from Pokemon). I don't wanna spoil anything but basically you can already tell from her name that she dies halfway through the game only to be resurrected as a character called Phoenix.

Quite early on in the game, you will see a lot of cutscenes which look like they were taken from Star Wars, Troy, Laputa (a Miyazaki film) and Nausicaa (another Miyazaki film). And during such a scene, you get to meet the "bad good guy" of the game, Balthazar and his Playboy bunny sidekick Francine. Balthazar wields a gun and also wears shiny dangly earrings of +10 metrosexuality and also speaks with a British accent which gives him around +1000 to his sex appeal stat. Francine uses a bow and talks like Yoda. Her voice is also a bit hard to listen to. My guess is that you will kick her out of the party as soon as possible because nobody I know can stand her.

Vain also has a girlfriend named Penpal who is a bit of teenybopper. The saddest thing is that Penpal has to save Vain's ass all the time and that she's actually stronger than him. The last of our heroes is a guy named Brass. I also thought this was a funny name when I played it. He's the ubertank of the game and it's likely you'll want to send him to the frontlines to die because he doesn't do much otherwise. He has an evil twin who betrayed the whole country and beat their king at a game of chess. Unfortunately the king was drunk on some Brandy and wagered the rights to his kingdom to the invaders from a much larger place called Archerland.

The jist of FFXII's story is that there are two huge kingdoms (bigger than an Xbox), named Archerland and Roseland at war. Unfortunately, the little region called Dalmascus (which where our heroes find themselves) is right inbetween these two big countries. At the start of the game we find Archerland's forces having penetrated Dalmascus' only outpost and it is taken under Archerlandian rule. Dalmascus is only the size of a Nintendo Gameboy Advanced SP (that is pretty darn small) and thus get absolutely WPWNED. The whole story is about how our heroes try to bring peace back to their kingdom while preserving their popcorn harvest, because apparently popcorn is the biggest thing in Dalmascus right now.

Graphics: 4/10
Absolute crap. Final Fantasy XII looks like it was made for the N64. Other than that, I see no difference in the graphics of Final Fantasy XII from something like Dance Dance Revolution. They look pretty darn similar to me.

*NOTE: C may need new glasses.

Sound: 2/10

Sound is where Final Fantasy XII really shines. If you've played Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced before, and got totally sick of that upbeat adventury music, prepare yourself to get sick of it all over again. After examining the tracklist for the FFXII OST and comparing to the FFTA OST, I found out that all they did was rename every song. Square-ENIX must have been suffering from some huge budget cuts.

Gameplay: 5/10

Gameplay in FFXII is nothing like any previous Final Fantasy. For true strategy lovers like myself, FFXII is like heaven. This game also allows you to program AI for the rest of your party, so you don't have to control everyone individually. Think Star Ocean 3. I didn't like SO3's battle system but I sure as hell like FFXII's. Running around is also not such a pain, in certain levels you can totally avoid battle by going through Solid Snake style. I mentioned to my good buddy Benson as I watched him play for 4 hours straight that, "This level reminds me of Metal Gear Solid." He did not respond to me for the next 5 hours after that.

Originality: 1/10
Our adventure with FFXII was extremely shortlived due to our game reviewer's Gaming ADD (ask C for more information on his self-invented geek illness). Yet, when C felt compelled to return to the game, his save file had corrupted overnight and had him kicking over the TV and made 2 holes in the wall. As this post is receiving its finishing touches, C is sitting quietly in the TLC office playing FFXII like a high school kid. He is bound to have a seizure soon, so stay tuned for photos.

To give a nutshell of how "original" Final Fantasy XII really is, let us use elementary mathematics as an illustration:

Final Fantasy XII = Star Wars + Laputa: Castle In The Sky + Nausicaa: Valley of the Wind + Star Ocean 3: Till the End of Time + Troy + Final Fantasy X + Final Fantasy XI + Warcraft III

Yes. That is what Final Fantasy XII is. Readers beware. Many thought Final Fantasy IX was unoriginal (because it was like playing FF - FFVI), but Final Fantasy XII absolutely tops that. You may have to play it to believe it, but we would strongly advise against it to spare you the horrific death of your childhood. As we watched the opening movie and the first few FMVs and got a feel for the storyline, we realized that all FFXII was was a overkilled uber-crossover from everything in the equation above. It killed us inside, it really did. Everyone at The Letter C observed a minute of silence for this horrible tragedy, and then we resumed playing Guitar Hero 3 with the subsequent smashing of a guitar controller over C's head. He was so engrossed into FFXII he did not notice his own blood had splattered all over our plasma television.

Overall: -120/10 (give or take 1000)

All up, lets take a look at how we arrived at this score:

-15 for having an annoying hero

-8 for using scenes from Star Wars

-80 for using scenes from Troy

-9 for resembling Dance Dance Revolution

-3 for not resembling Guitar Hero 3

-100 for being more addictive than World of Warcraft

+50 for saving The Letter C $16 a month on World of Warcraft

+2 for beautiful intro

+4 for average looking heroine

+7 for Balthazar's dangly man earrings

-12 for having a teenybopper character

-5 for being singleplayer

-1000 for being a Final Fantasy

TLC puts the C in The 12 Days of Warcraft

Mood: o_OO_o-O_O_!O!_O$!O_!O! CRAZY NINJAPHEERRRR
Currently listening to: More mando girl music

The 12 Days of Warcraft by CHIBI.

On the first day of Christmas my DatH gave to me

A 1.21 patch for War 3

On the second day of Christmas my Farseer gave to me

Two dire wolves

On the third day of Christmas my AMM gave to me

Three bad allies

On the fourth day of Christmas my dischack gave to me

Four free wins

On the fifth day of Christmas my creep camp gave to me

Five crowns of kings

On the sixth day of Christmas my nooborc gave to me

Six peons mining

On the seventh day of Christmas my noobelf gave to me

Seven dryads dying

On the eighth day of Christmas my fundead gave to me

Eight heroes nuking

On the ninth day of Christmas my human gave to me

Nine towers building

On the tenth day of Christmas my Grubby gave to me

Ten mothers bleeding

On the eleventh day of Christmas my Blizzard gave to me

Eleven account bannings

On the twelfth day of Christmas my forum gave to me

Twelve days of spamming

Merry Christmas WGDF <3

There is no C in Deathly Hallows

Mood: Vn_nV
Currently reading: Harry Potter and the Hairy Potter

Since the release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the legion of Harry Potter fans has grown significantly in anticipation of the final book. Some are eagerly awaiting book number 7 because they are true Harry Potter fans and have really fallen for J. K. Rowling's amazing writing, and some are just waiting for the last book to come out because they hate nerdy-looking boy wizards. But little do they know that once, a child philosopher by the name of Charles Wong said, "A president has much power, but a dead president has even more." This proverb/saying/conversation starter could most possibly apply to boy wizards too and it does.

J. K. Rowling has already revealed some things about book 7. After several hours of research and a boring interview with Miss J. K., I have compiled a list of book 7isms. I assure you there will be no spoilers, just little tipoffs which J. K. Rowling felt compelled to give to The letter C after being interrogated with a lie detector:

*SPOILER WARNING*

List of CONFIRMED book 7isms:

Harry dies and is resurrected with a sarcophagus coffin

Harry dies again and is resurrected again

Dumbledore dies a total of 3 times, first by eating poisoned chocolate frog, then by eating an Anthrax flavoured jellybean and lastly dies by accidental suicide when he drops his wand and it fires at him at a bad angle

Cho gets plastic surgery

Harry asks Hermione out but she replies with the "Lets just be friendly wizards" line

Harry and Hermione somehow get together anyway

Ron walks into Harry and Hermione having a R-rated 18+ makeout session (only found in the version of book 7 with the adult cover)

Ron finds safety and comfort in the arms of Draco Malfoy and tells Draco his life story and they have a big cry together

Draco finally comes out of the closet and reveals he is gay

Crabbe and Goyle have a fight over which of them Draco likes better

Snape turns out to be a convicted sexual predator wizard

Hagrid dies and Chewbacca is called in as a replacement

Book 7's ending will be ambigiuous and keep fans guessing for book 8

Voldemort flees to France and is renamed Voldemorte

Luna Lovegood wins Hogwarts Hogmate of the Year award

Neville Longbottom receives a Nintendo Wii for Christmas via Owl-post

The Dursleys move to Japan after Dudley is signed as a professional Sumo wrestler

Human Paladin's Holy Light mana cost is raised to 70 from 65, cooldown increased by 1 second

Nearly Headless Nick joins the Cirque du Soleil and is replaced by The Ghost of Walt Cummings

The Red Baron joins the Spanish Inquisition and is replaced by The Ghost of Freddy Krueger

List of RUMOURED book 7isms (rumours may contradict as they were gathered from sources of varying reliability):

Hagrid has some bad soup one day and a week later a dragon bursts out of his chest

J. K. Rowling is playable as a secret character

The new Ministry of Magic will be Ronald McDonald

Book 7 will be titled Harry Potter and the Deathly Wheelbarrows

Book 7 will be split into 2 parts, respectively named The Sequel to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Part 1 and Part 2 of The Sequel to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

After beating Voldemort 10 times, Snape-X will be unlocked as a playable character

After beating Voldemort 50 times, J. K. Bison will be unlocked as a playable character

Undead Death Knight's Death Coil mana cost will be reduced from 75 to 65

The new Defence of the Dark Arts teacher will be a wizard named Guinsoo

If you reach the final boss without ever dying, you will face off against a special boss called Chuck Norris

Book 7 will be the first choose-your-own-adventure Harry Potter of the series

J. K. Rowling dies on page 857

J. K. Rowling dies on page 856

Santa Claus makes a guest appearance on page 666

Page 102 is blank

A R-rated 18+ version of book 7 will be released under the name Harry Potter and the Tomb Raider

Book 7 will be poorly made into a movie

If anyone could possibly come up with every reference that was made in that huge list, you will most certainly win a cookie + a romantic night of geeklove, because we ourselves at The letter C have already forgotten half the things we referred to. Die-hard Harry Potter fans, please be assured that none of the rumours are true but that all the confirmed events are very likely to be true. Although J. K. Rowling was under tight security and strictly not having interviews with nobodies, The letter C was able to discover a loophole in her management called "bribery". Almost all (by almost, we mean not even remotely close to 5%) of the information in this article was leaked to us by Miss J. K. herself.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, we are waiting.

There is no C in You Know My Name

Mood: O_Qimwearingamonocle
Currently listening to: Wilbur Pan & 弦子 - 不得不愛 classics

I ask girlfriend how you been
Nur nur nuurm something something
You're my one and only baby something

*PREPOSTRANT: Whoa. A double-post on the same day!? What is going on? The truth is, C worked pretty slow on his song parody and it took him quite a few days to complete. His lack of energy has nothing to do with his discovery of a marijuana plant at his workplace.

*DISCLAIMER: No sad geeks were harmed in the making of this song parody. However, the letter C wishes to advise readers that if you feel that the parody was directed at you, be assured that it is not. The letter C has a strict no put-downs policy, except against pompous bigots. The words used in this song parody may be sick, tasteless and crude, and are not the product of vocabulary malfunction. C did not tear his hair out for several days for a half-decent job.

You Fail At Life (Parody of Chris Cornell's You Know My Name from Casino Royale)
If you use Myspace, do you know you’re a geek?
Odds are, you don’t know you’re not cool
When the wife comes home, are you gonna get beat?
With the sledgehammer she bought last week?

I’ve seen uglie nerds play MMOs
But you’re much worse cuz you play YuGiOh
Just slit your wrists

Shoot yourself because right now I have no ammo
Your girlfriend cheats on you
And nobody likes you
You can’t deny you suck; if I happened to be you
I'd just seppuku
Are you going to cry?

The foulest sight I’ve seen’s your face
You fail at life

If you left your house maybe you’d have some friends
When you reply your IMs
And if you think you’re 1337
You never had a clue
The way that you act is so ghey

I’ve seen ten year olds act more mature
Than you yourself
But if you must be sure
You may need a shrink

Hide yourself because I will fire if I see you
The dogs would feast on you
They smell nicer than you
You can’t deny the truth anymore it consumes you
I long to kill you
Are you failing at life?

The dumbest blondes think you are lame

I will be your friend
I care how you feel
(I care how you feel)

Life is harsh did you think I was for real
(I was for real)

Kill yourself because everyone here is waiting
What I said is all true
And it’s all about you
You can’t deny that I am a lot cooler than you
I’ll break it to you
I promise I won’t lie

The lowest F-minus is yours
You fail at life
(You fail at life)
You fail at life
(You fail at life)You fail at life
You fail at life
You fail at life

TLC puts the C in Warcraft

Mood: ~_~
Currently reading: Sun Tzu's Art of Warcraft

*WARNING: The following post may only be funny to people who have played Starcraft and Warcraft by Blizzard Entertainment. Even if you happen to have played both those games, you may not find this post funny at all.

*DISCLAIMER: All comments that appear anti-South Korean are nothing but satire.

Blizzard Entertainment took the world by storm (unintended pun - check!) when it released its first Warcraft game in 1969. It debutted on the Condor 64 (an old computer system) and featured black and blacker graphics. Players could choose from a total of just one race and duked it out mono-e-mono-emo-style-mono using a single stickman. The game was so primitive that ASCII boobs could not be produced properly, but after a feminist gaming group threatened to sue, Blizzard released a patch that would allow players to play as stickwomen also.

From its humble beginnings, Warcraft was an incredibly successful game. Although the combat resembled something out of Runescape (aka. laggy pixelated filth of an MMORPG), one thing was clear: Blizzard was way ahead of its time. Rival game producers from that era could almost match Blizzard's efforts with Warcraft with one flaw: they could not get their stickmen to animate.

Shortly after the original Warcraft was released, Blizzard sent out Warcraft II: Orcs & Huntresses in 1987. It should be noted that the North American release of WarII took place on February 24, 1987. This game has special significance in the office because it is older than me by one day. For the same reason, Blizzard sent me a birthday cake in the shape of a Orc Great Hall on my birthday this year. Thanks Blizzard, it's nice to know you somehow have my personal information and aren't using it for unethical purposes.

Warcraft II was far more successful than its predecessor Warcraft. Warcraft II featured stunning graphics running on a 386 engine. A total of 6 colours were able to be displayed. The Night Elf huntresses, however, did not show up properly in game. Night Elves are known for their purple skin (like Barney the Dinosaur or Grimace the something), yet on the graphics engine of the late 80s, they appeared to be green. This caused outrage against activists for Night Elvish rights and announced they were boycotting the game. There was no documentation found of any reaction by Blizzard Entertainment.

As we continue down the timeline, the Warcraft series is briefly interrupted by the release of Starcraft. Starcraft vaguely resembled Warcraft in many ways, and it seemed like a bad dream for many gamers of that day and age. An American Blizzard fanboy commented, "I am absolutely sure this is meant to be Warcraft III. They just made a typo in the name, that's all." Unfortunately, this fanboy was wrong. Blizzard made a public announcement regarding the release of Starcraft. There was an urban legend floating around urbandictionary.com that Blizzard was so ashamed of this announcement they destroyed all records of it. Luckily, the letter C specializes in making the big names eat their own words and we were able to "undestroy" the transcripts of the speech with the help of a time machine toaster we built by accident back in 1997.

This is what we recovered of Blizzard's announcment, 18 June, 1995:
"Starcraft pushes the genre of real-time strategy to its limits. Many were anticipating the release of Warcraft III, but hope is not lost, because it is already in development."

Because of my duty as a time travelling journalist, I could not deny the fans the true story behind Warcraft, and travelled a little forward in time to 1996. Unfortunately, I read my time machine wrong and had actually gone all the way to the year 9661. I report with much regret that I spawned on the Protoss planet Aiur during the channeling of the crystals and was obliterated in the big Zerg barbecue (if you remember watching this, then I have 2 things to say to you: 1. You're old; 2. Let's play Starcraft sometime). Of course, I don't mean to brag but it turns out that in the year 9660 I received a Ph.D. from Char University in Science Fiction. I know, I laughed too (you actually didn't laugh but let's pretend you did).

So, in 1996, the Starcraft Effect wore off. This social phenomena was first observed by Starcraft Original Developers Society in late 1995 when people stopped waiting for Warcraft III and started to enjoy Starcraft. Sadly, the Starcraft Effect was shortlived and people got bored of Starcraft and wanted something new. Little did the gaming community know Blizzard already had a trick up its sleeve, and had waited nearly a year to show its hand. And thus, Blizzard released an expansion pack for Starcraft called Blood War. It was actually pronounced incorrectly for many years by Asian players who kept calling it Brood War to this very day.

Archived copy of Blizzard's announcment, 4 April, 1996:
"Starcraft: Blood War pushes the genre of real-time strategy to its limits yet again. Many were anticipating the release of Warcraft III, but hope is not lost, because it is already in development."

It was an epic moment for Blizzard Entertainment, because for the same amount of years that its name was mispronounced, Blood War was voted No. 1 in the Top 100 Real-time Strategy Games by LIER Magazine. Nobody seemed to notice there were only a total of 2 RTS games on the market that were actually played, with the other being Total Alienation (if you know the real name of this game, then I have 2 things to say to you: 1. You're old, 2. Let's play Starcraft sometime).

As we fast forward this dramatic story of the uprise of Warcraft, it should be noted that Starcraft is currently the most widely played sport in South Korea. In Western countries, shallow teenage girls dream of marrying rich men, but in South Korea, a professional Starcraft player is the ideal husband. The higher his APM (actions per minute) the better. I assure you; that was not a sexual reference.

Then, in 2003 came the Warcraft that so many were waiting for. Warcraft III was released receiving a warm response by the RTS fanbase. Players could pick from a variety of races and use some classic units as well as new. Blizzard introduced the Hero system which were a form of superunit that leveled up as it gained experience. Many Diablo II players became jealous and felt unloved when they found out that much of Warcraft III was in fact Diablo II, except in an RTS. This is actually fact and not parody. For anyone who's played Dungeons & Dragons (or a D&D clone), Diablo II and Warcraft III (you need to play all 3 games to understand this), you (like myself) would have noticed that D&D inspired much of the Diablo II mechanics while Warcraft III's hero system is largely based on RPG elements taken from Diablo II. And for anyone who just read those last few sentences, you would have guessed that someone at Blizzard Entertainment has a disturbing fetish with Roman numerals. Disgusting.

To continue our story, scroll back up a few paragraphs and replace Starcraft with Warcraft, and Blood War with The Frozen Yogurt. The release of the TFY expansion set for Warcraft III was a milestone for Blizzard Entertainment. However, it also sparked the downfall of the more traditional gametypes of ladder play. A custom map by the name of Defense of the Asians was made by a racist white person to make fun of Asians who played Warcarft III. The objective of the game was to pick an Asian from the hero taverns and defend the Tree of Rife from the enemy heroes. Hardly any Asians were able to read English and thus nobody was sued over this controversy. When DotA was translated into other languages, many words had to be changed to make it less offensive to South Korean players on the Kalimdor (Asia) Realm. No special treatment was given to any other group of Asians because the Koreans made up 99.8% of the Asian playerbase of Warcraft III. To this very day, DotA is still played on every server, and is infamous for clogging up custom game listings on Azeroth. Many noobs do not realize that DotA is actually a custom map and they also lack the skill to play normal.

Shortly after Warcraft III: The Frozen Yogurt, Blizzard sold the source code for WarIII and other companies began buying up on this opportunity. A number of 3rd-party spinoffs were released, with titles ranging from:

Carcraft

Avatarcraft

Cellularcraft

Dollarcraft

Familiarcraft

Caviarcraft

Superstarcraft

Solarsystemcraft

Galaxycraft

*Note: Many people thought Lincraft was a spinoff of a Blizzard game, but it turned out that it was just some crappy place to buy carpet and stuff.

With the advent of the spinoff games (which were never released because Blizzard had the best professional assassins out of all of the game companies), Blizzard had no competition remaining and was free to unveil its ultimate weapon: World Wide Web of Warcraft. People had been anticipating WWWoW since the beta of Everyquest, one of the most popular MMORPGs of its day. Most gamers had heard WWWoW was good, but nobody actually expected it to be as good as it really was. WWWoW blew all other MMORPGs to smitherines. The release of WWWoW actually caused around 14 game companies to shut down because they had no chance at the market anymore. Blizzard used WWWoW to rake in big bucks in very little time. With a monthly subscription fee of $100 (give or take $50 USD), and a loyal playerbase of around 7 million worldwide, well, you do the maths.

WWWoW has thrived for nearly 2 years now as the greatest MMORPG of all time voted by LIER Magazine. Game industry analysts speculate that it will be at least 40 years before WWWoW gets dethroned and that people won't stop playing WWWoW until 2080. With new content being released every year, avid fans will very likely stay subscribed for at least another decade or two. World Wide Web of Warcraft was a really successful game and Blizzard spokespanda Mojo Stormstout had this to say, "I hear you man." Yeah, dude, fully.

And so ends our cute story of the origins of WWWoW, the golden idol of geeks galore and greatest enemy of Everyquest. Yet, who knows, in the future, you may meet me on a WWWoW server with me playing a female character (probability of female character: 100%, probability of bumping into C on WWWoW: 5%). I have just one thing to say though... If you do see me running around on WWWoW like a sad little sod, don't hesitate to tell me to get a life, because that's exactly what every WWWoW player needs. Yeah, more than they need a girlfriend.

There is no C in Happy Feet

Mood: %_&*
Currently listening to: 弦子.. OMG ASIAN ARTIST?!??/

NEWSFLASH: My buddy gwo has just started a blog. Him and I will both be co-authoring on both our blogs. So you may occasionally see something written by him. I like his style. Also, head over to his blog cuz its a good read. Don't worry, there's none of that teenybopper "I gotta tell the whole world about everyday of my life because I'm too ignorant to realize that nobody cares and/or reads my blog" crap.

--------------

Ok. Christmas season is closing in and people are going a bit crazy. To be honest, Christmas has actually come behind me like a sneaky thief with max level Sneak and aimed itself a nice backstab into my back (um, well I didn't know a backstab could go anywhere else o_o?).

This afternoon I humbly went to have dinner with family friends, much to the surprise of every aunty and uncle that was there. During dinner, an aunty brought up the issue of the comedy animated film Happy Feet. Apparently this film is Australian produced, and with confirmation from Wikipedia, the most reliable information source on the Internet (ha, ha, ha, sarcasm), it indeed is an Australian movie.

However, there are two issues with this film that have attracted my attention as a journalist. First of all, is the fact that this film, albeit Australian, was released first in the US. What is up with that? The aunty was discussing this point over dinner, and it was at that very moment (drumroll with laser sound effects), that I realised, "I am finding conversation with adults to be attractive and appealing to me as an intellectual. Does this mean... that I have... grown up? O SHI-". I tried very hard to hide my shock, and luckily none of the adults noticed my panicky shifty-eyes and gaping mouth. To further direct attention away from myself at the dinner table, I yelled, "Look over there!" and pointed to a painting on the wall, then said, "Isn't that a lovely painting? Who's it by?" Needless to say, this did not really happen, but I rule out no possibilities after being voted "Guy most likely to do anything" by LIER magazine.

So, back to the issue at hand. Why was this Australian film released in the US in mid-November, and only coming out to our cinemas on Boxing Day? I wonder. A family friend mused, "They're probably using it as a Christmas film." I should have complemented the young lady for her deduction. At the time, I was too busy enjoying my bok choy to process all my thoughts.

And thus we are brought to the second point in this evening's two-point agenda (Please note: That was a Futurama reference). I am actually very interested how this film is even related to Christmas. We can rule out any possible relation to the birth of Jesus. What I want to know is how this has anything to do with the birth of Santa. Ha, ha, ha? It's funny because my speculation is zero. Absolute zero (Please note: That was a scientific reference). I don't mean to be a little over-critical, but I just have to, so, I will. I mean, the damn film is set in Antartica. Last time I checked, Santa lived in the North Pole (aka. The Arctic). And who are the stars? The main characters of this film are a bunch of Emperor Penguins. What was the producer thinking?

This is the state of our media, dear readers. This is one of the reasons why the Chasers exist. It is a small sacrifice for great satire, isn't it? Your answer may be yes, but my answer is no. This is an absolutely pathetic reflection on the people who were involved in marketing this film. Thanks to this, I also know what I want for Christmas: A bullet and a gun. I would like this film-maker to meet his maker (pun - unintended; grievous bodily harm - intended) for making this crappy film. I would have been a little more forgiving if he chose a better name, but calling it Happy Feet just sealed its fate.

The Australia film industry has sold out to the USA. People will say to me, "Welcome to 3 years ago. War on Iraq, duh," and I will reply to them, "Get with the times. This is the war on idiocy."

There is no C in Kingdom Hearts

Mood: Awe
Currently listening to: This:

This video is the epitome of "playing by ear".

There is no C in Wii

Mood: ?:/
Currently listening to: Nothing, but a ice-cream truck just went down the road

Last Thursday, Nintendo's secret weapon, the Wii was unveiled upon Australia and did a very just thing to suck $400+ AUD out of the wallet of every parent and child that bought into this new console. Already, critics are debating whether the Wii will be the console to end all console wars or just Nintendo's next counter-attack to their biggest rival Sony. Since Microsoft entered the console war and redefined the meaning of 'huge' with the big black brick known as the XBox, things have been looking a lot like the Romance of the Three Kingdoms in the console gaming industry.

*Note: A picture of the XBox could not be shown as it would be way too big and you would need a 200" monitor to see it. We apologize for this inconvenience.

Many gamers are speculating if the following of the Nintendo Wii will actually become a religion (ie. Wiiism with three i's), or just another ignored cult (eg. Halo Fanboys) or if Wii is actually the devil incarnate hiding within that harmless looking white shell. Leader of the Wiiist Movement, Andy Ess, commented, "The Nintendo Wii is the greatest console ever and Nintendo is the best and we loooooooove Pokemon!" Immediately following this interview, I had my associate pick up an empty Wii box and threw it on the ground and drive a car over it. Over 80% of the Wiiists who watched this horrible act of lunacy had to be admitted to hospital because of shock. The other 20% ran away to "call for reinforcements".

Now, I saw my fair share of pre-Wii excitement and criticism from both the gaming and non-gaming community. Remember the Nintendo Dolphin? No you don't but just pretend you do. When Nintendo revealed that their latest console was to be called the Nintendo Wii, people were shocked and threatened to boycott the next Pokemon Championship held on Planet Nintendo. People weren't sure whether it was a joke or whether Nintendo was planning to really release a console with such an absurd name. Some were even saying sick and tasteless speculations like, "I bet the Nintendo Puu is next." I, as a student of journalism and slave of satire, am here to dispel all doubt and clear everything up on Nintendo's behalf. Yes, on Nintendo's very own behalf.

Contrary to popular belief, "Wii" is not pronounced [wee]. It is actually pronounced [wai] as in 'why'. Seriously, I got this information from Nintendo's director, Bowser the turtle-shell dinosaur, distant relative of Barney the purple dinosaur. This means that people who've been calling the controller a "Wiimote", vaguely rhyming it with 'remote' have been totally wrong. It's a damn [waimote], get it right. And not only that, Nintendo's marketting expertise is really shown in the name of their new product. When people ask each other, "Why wouldn't you get a Wii?" and they pronounce Wii correctly, they would have said 'why' twice in the same sentence and when people hear this they will just laugh and go "Why wouldn't you get a Wii? Ha, ha, ha." and this is surely to become one of the great memes of all time. This just reminds me of the time when Final Fantasy X was released and people weren't sure if Tidus was pronounced [teedus] or [taidus]. It really brings me back and brings a tear dripping down my emo glasses.

Your local Nintendo correspondent,
Cii Wong (in this instance, it is more correct to pronounce my name as [see], not [sai])

C is for Casino Royale

Mood: Tired and unwell
Currently listening to: Chris Cornell - You Know My Name

Casino Royale happens to be the first Bond film I've seen since I turned critique-of-the-world, thus I cannot provide any comparison whatsoever to the previous Bond movies.

But when you look at the older Bond movies, we can clearly see that the opening was better; there was less gadgets; the Bond girl was more French and more gorgeous; the stunts weren't CGed and actually real + more.

I have three words: See it. It is really good.

I guess that was a little more than three words.

**WARNING: Counter-Strike fans will experience intense deja vu and/or withdrawal symptoms from doing something other than playing Counter-Strike during the embassy raid scene.

And yes, I said I was in no position to compare then I compared. I DIVIDED BY ZERO... O SHI-

TLC puts the C in Static

Mood: Slightly better than yesterday
Currently listening to: The dull and creepy sound of air conditioning

Having been a fanboy of webcomic MegaTokyo for a reasonable while now, I have always wondered if the whole deal with static affecting computer parts was really true. I had never really attempted at putting a computer together before at my life until today (Geek's things-to-do list, #15).

As I used my trustworthy stanley knife to cut open the box containing the tower, which has been called a variety of other things, such as: case, rook, fortress, skyscraper, bird's nest and top-of-the-world, I was greeted with a metallic box wrapped in a plastic bag and cushioned with some white foam (I was unaware that foam came in any other colour, but behold, at work I was greeted with a large quantity of pink foam which is used to cushion hard drives in their bulk box). I turned the cardboard box upside-down to slip it out, as anyone would have logically done, and then proceeded to strip the tower of its plastic wrapping. At this point, I was zapped. This wasn't your everyday run-of-the-mill light static discharge. What I experienced was one hell-of-a-mongoose-beastly discharge. It was big. I could literally feel the force of the discharge pushing my fingers away from the case. The only bad thing about this experience was that there was no lightshow.

And so, after being shocked by the static discharge (ha, ha, ha, pun intended?) I start taking away the side panels so I could install the hard drive, DVD-rom and floppy drive (I honestly don't know why ANYONE needs a floppy drive anymore; nobody could take one even if you paid them). While I'm innocently trying to get the "fake" drive panels off the case (which looked very real and funky), I cut my finger along the metal frames inside the case. I must concede I was "asking for it" when I stuck my hand in there without even looking where it was headed.

So anyways, to cut a long story short, I install the floppy drive, and then I install the DVD-rom. Now this is the climax of my epic tale. I picked up the hard drive, which was wrapped in some strange dark, transparent, hard plastic pouch which looked like it was polarized (like sunglasses). Sealing the bag was a rather amusing sticker which said:

The content is made in Thailand

The pouch said something like this (I will photowhore the pouch when it's time to finish work and go home):

DY3650 Static Shielding
Bag

DOU YEE LOT NO.
06060053

REUSABLE CONTAINER
DO NOT
DESTROY

ATTENTION

HANDLE ONLY
AT

STATIC SAFE
WORK

STATIONS

ELECTROSTATIC

SENSITIVE

DEVICES

FRAGILE

HANDLE WITH
CARE

Now, I could not get over the hilarity of this warning label. DO NOT DESTROY? I honestly couldn't think of how anyone could possibly destroy this hard plastic quasi-aluminium polarized plastic silky shiny pouch thing. Heck, I'm not even sure if a nuclear bomb could destroy it. But, who would have thought, there was a slight incision where you were meant to tear it, and I, being the tank that I am, had a go at it and succeeded in tearing it. However, me being able to tear it is besides the point. I am still unable to understand how anyone can destroy this pouch, like, vaporize it or something. This stuff is made from some off-world material, seriously.

And just some miscellaneous information: no, I did not take off my clothes. ;3

TLC puts the C in December

Mood: Lonely and lazy with a touch of emo on top
Currently listening to: The soothing monotony of air conditioning

Ah, delicious December: The 12th month of our year. Contrary to popular belief, December actually does come every year. Strangely enough, December is neither celebrated nor dismissed like such days as Friday the 13th which is considered the unluckiest Friday of the entire year, or Feaster Sunday, the national public holiday for the Undead.

Much sadly, I am at work and I must go count old unsold stock. And I do not feel so inspired today. My relationship with Satire is on the rocks again. I've noticed when I feel emo, I can't write as well. All I feel like typing up are sad poems about how I want to die and how nobody understands me. This realization is extremely upsetting for me. I call it: the sad truth.

TLC puts the C in myspace

Mood: Don't know.
Currently listening to: The Late Tupac Shakur - Picture Me Rolling

First of all, I urge you to read Uncyclopedia and Encyclopedia Dramatica's (both are linked respectively) articles on MySpace. Have chloroform on a rag somewhere nearby as you may laugh so hard, like myself, and need some sort of quick sedation, lest you begin to feel a slight pain in your stomach which means it is going to asplode! That big scoring list just made me laugh so hard I think I may need psychiatric help. My neighbour heard me and he must have called the cops or something.

Sup. I is here, and dis is me myspace. I is down wit' da gangsta talk, chiggaz. Now there be two types of peeps yo: there be the ones who likes da myspace, and those who don't. My brother Gwo happens to be the type that ain't be likin' the myspace, but we wants to be keepin' in touch wit' our brothers n' sisters, ya kno'.

So I been signed up to da myspace, and I been writin' up 'bout myself n' my brother ya kno', n' I been thinks it might be funny if we be posin' as da Asian gangsta. N' so I did; me put some hot pic of myself on da page n' put a song by the late Tupac for folks to listen in. We be makin' up stories 'bout da gangsta development, 'bout how we been totally shizzin' it. N' of course you gots to be stickin' up a photo of me in jail.

Now, the two paragraphs above will be rewritten in proper English, because gangsta talk is a hell lot more hard to type than it is to read. And it is pretty damn hard to read.

Our goal? To get past the 200 friends milestone and to make our "Asian gangsta" image believable. We don't care if all those models happen to be 40 year old perverted men. Bets have already been placed against the possibility that they are really beautiful, voluptuous women. They inhabit our friends list purely for decoration. On a side note, their pages really lag a lot because of the crap that they, the "computer illiterate", have placed on their page.

So far, it would appear that this Asian gangsta image is succeeding. And it also seems that these myspace models are not really models. The data we are collecting totally disagrees with a study conducted by the Recognized And Credited Internationally Shunned Tribual of Scientists in 2003, titled "The inverse correlation of interactions between white women and Asian men, and white men and Asian women". According to RACISTS (2003), white women are very unlikely to notice Asian men, and the average percentage of rejection of an Asian male by a white female (in the U.S) is around 96%. Based on the analysis provided by RACISTS, we can be certain only 4% of Asian males who pursue a friendship or relatiionship with a white woman will actually succeed. If these white women were really 21 year old models living in Alabama, then it is unlikely that they would even consider adding some Asian kid onto their Myspace friends list (which is sacred in some Scientologist countries). However, since they have, it can only mean one of two or both of these things: Our Asian gangsta image is the beautiful rainbow of win, and/or that there are 40 year old men posing as American pornstars on the Internets (Well, this is certainly new!).

Now, if I, Charles Wong, mighty troll of the Internets were any less of a troll that I am, I would have been the overly honest noob who would stick on my profile a less-than-attractive photo of myself or my colleague and write some down-to-earth statement about my background on my page. However, being a denizen of the Internets who possesses an incredibly trollish might, I upload a picture of myself in my metrogear, holding a bottle of expensive wine (which was actually Ribena), bein' a poser with the bling and the gangsta hand signal. For your information, no, that bottle was actually not Ribena and was indeed real wine. It was a poor shame that I did not have the necessary equipment to unseal it.

My associate Gwo, being a great mathematician, has devised a formula for Power on the Internets. Let's hope I can fit it on one line.

If you are male:
( Pic of yourself that has "wealth" written all over it + believable story of
your real life fame and achievements + background music that a real man would listen to ) * your
falsely presented annual income = Power on the Internets

If you are female:
Pic of yourself ^ the amount of skin you're showing = Power on the
Internets

If you are male, but are horribly perverted and/or is a sexual predator and must pretend to be a female:
Pic of woman found on image search or light pornography site ^ (
attractiveness of .jpg + filename of .jpg ) = Power on the Internets

And also one last amazing observation I have made after my light trek
through the depths of Myspace...

If you are male or female, but only have an IQ of
40:
Believing you could pass off a semi-nude picture of actress Jessica Alba as
your own = Fail

Disclaimer: The Letter C claims that Gwo did not write anything on this post or on our Myspace page. All content found on this blog and our Myspace is purely original. Any resemblance to real characters or real information can be blamed on Satire. If you require to file such a lawsuit against Satire. I cannot disclose Satire's gender or first name, so I suggest you do a Google search on satire. It may very well be that Satire's first name is actually MAD Magazine, as I have always suspected.

And once again, if you were a disobedient rebel child and did not read Uncyclopedia and Encyclopedia Dramatica's (both are linked respectively) articles on MySpace like I told you, do so or something terrible will happen! If you send this email to another 50 people, you will meet the love of your life tonight! If you don't, your love life will be ruined! Boo hoo.

There is no C in Kazakhstan

Mood: Woozy
Currently listening to: The Kazakhstan National Anthem (with Potassium)

The controversy over the character Borat and his movie, Borat: blah blah make glorious pancakes or something blah has been pretty hot lately. Hot on the news, hot on the internet forums, hot in the oven, and many people have been asking, "Is it fake? Is it real?". Friends, I have always been a faithful Baron-cohenist, and I have never doubted for one bit that many of his encounters (while in character) were truly unscripted and a testament to the sheer bigotry of many Americans.

The joke is not on Kazakhstan. I think the joke is on people who can
believe that the Kazakhstan that I describe can exist -- who believe that
there's a country where homosexuals wear blue hats and the women live in cages
and they drink fermented horse urine and the age of consent has been raised to
nine years old.In actuality, it turns out that Borat is a far more damning
critique of America than it is of Kazakhstan.

The jokes that Baron Cohen mentions above -- and all the rest about beating
gypsies, throwing Jews down wells, exporting pubic hair and making monkey porn
-- are clearly parody. But the America that Borat discovers on his cross-country
trek here -- rife with homophobia, xenophobia, racism, classism and
anti-Semitism -- is all too real.

Sacha Baron Cohen speaks at last:
http://www.rollingstone.com/news/coverstory/sacha_baron_cohen_the_real_borat_finally_speaks/page/1
In addition, this article has my recommendation and seal of approval for being a piece of Fine Journalism, with a capital F. And a J. Yes. It is very likely that I will archive it and one day read it to my grandchildren and tell them about how one man made all of America look like a fool.

There is no C in Naomi Robson

Mood: Eh?
Currently listening to: Nothing

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/story/0,23663,20834570-10229,00.html

Naomi Robson, Naomi Schmobson. Today is a great day for journalism. I dare say, every man, woman and child has been waiting for this news article since I don't know when. There is little doubt that a sick horse would make a better current affairs host than this woman.

Tata. I must continue work. Cheers to crappy journalism.

There is no C in Gaia Online

Mood: Guilty
Currently listening to: Nothing

I feel extremely sads. Like, we're talking 10 sads here. More on that later. It is too deep to go on a blog of this nature and would like totally blow the world to pieces if I were to elaborate!

Let us examine the Wikipedia article for Gaia Online. Wikipedia is officially "on the rocks" and I no longer consider it a reliable source of information. But anyhow, let's read it and laugh at it!

Gaia Online is an anime and games site. It was opened to the public on February 18, 2003 by Gaia Interactive, a group earlier known as AniHQ, consisting of Derek Liu and some of his business partners.

Users of the site, known as Gaians, are able to create a customizable avatar, for which they can purchase outfits using gaia gold, which is earned by browsing the site, playing games, and posting on the forums.

As the site is free, there are some ways the administrators have set up to gain revenue - these include Gaia-themed posters, shirts and hats. They also give donors
in-game rewards of limited-edition gifts.

Now, just from reading that gibberish, Wikipedia makes several things clear to the reader:

1. Gaia online is an anime and games site.


2. Users of the site are known as Gaians.


3. Gaians are able to create a customizable (spelt with a 'z', clearly American) avatar.


4. Gaians can purchase outfits using gaia gold.


5. Gaia gold is earned by browsing the site, playing games, and posting on the forums.


6. The site is free.


7. They give donors in-game rewards of limited-edition gifts.

All of this sounds strangely familiar doesn't it? Yes, it would appear that all of the following "RPG fads" also have these very same features: Ragnarok Online, AdventureQuest, MapleStory, Gunbound, MapleQuest, Adventurebound, MapleStory Online, Gaiabound, Final Fantastory, RPG Clone 42, Final Fantasy Online: We are serious about Final this time, Final Fantasy Online: Sorry consumer but we lied to you, and last but not least, Myspace.

Additionally, I think that to describe Gaia Online as an "anime and games site" is rather vague. It is in fact a forum that is 90% desperate geeks, and 10% girls who just want to have fun and make friends. Not only that, but you can also play horribly presented Flash games. I was coaxed into going fishing by some stupid popup speech bubble. And when you see the room listing (reminiscent of Yahoo! Games), only then will you begin to realize the sheer level of geekery that exists in Gaia Online. People are generally nice, but every now and then you will see a glimpse of the dark underground of the internets and meet the most dangerous type of geek: the zombie geek. These geeks have been around since the very beginning of the internets and lurked for many years until Gaia Online opened up. Then they joined up, but were very bad mannered so they got banned, but then they returned by changing their IP address. Hence the title of "zombie".

Zombie geeks get a natural -4 to their charisma and immunity to bannings of any sort or length. They have stiff limbs and take x4 damage from sunlight. Zombie geeks start in the city of Homepage.html, and can speak every language on the internets except for coherent English. Their class leader is the Umbrella Man and they belong to the Whorde faction. Now, you must select your hairstyle, then your adventure can begin!

NOTE: I HAVE ALREADY BEEN HIT ON ALREADY. THIS IS CRAZY. IT'S ONLY DAY 3 AND THE CURSE OF THE FEMALE AVATAR IS ALREADY SHOWING. WELL, I MEAN, I DO LOOK REAL SEXY, BUT... I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS! OH, SAVE ME FROM THE HORDES OF DESPERATE GEEKS, SAVE ME!!! I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE A LOLITA JAPANESE SCHOOLGIRL, I PROMISE!

TLC puts the C in Twilight Princess

Mood: Bored
Currently listening to: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya - Hare Hare Yukai

**NOTE: From now on, reference links may or may not redirect to Wikipedia because Uncyclopedia and Encyclopedia Dramatica are clearly better and more crude and contain an infinitely higher level of satirical content. In order to fully appreciate this surprise change of protocol, my dear reader, you will have to mouseover the links to see where they go, or just click them all and see where you go.

As we all know, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess was released several days ago in North America for the Nintendo Wii. Many uglie nerds sold everything they owned to line up at their local game store to line up and be one of the first people in the world to obtain this epic RPG title.

This is a common spectacle and is known as the Desperate Nerd Addiction Effect, not to be confused with that "other" desperate nerd addiction effect. It was first observed by video game kiosk owner Kyon Koizumi back in 1997 at the release of Final Fantasy VII (Warning: this is not a Wikipedia link and may contain extreme satire sprinkled with sick and tasteless jokes). Other video game kiosk owners in Japan began to add their findings to the Japanese Otaku Surveillance Activity Journal (Article not found). The "DNA" effect was reported to have occurred at the release of Final Fantasy VIII, IX, X, XII, XIII, Fanta Finalsy Revolution, Final Pacmantasy, Final Fantacraft IV, World of Final Fantacraft and has also been predicted to occur in its most severe form ever when the Playstation 3 is released. It should be noted that almost nobody turned up on the day of Final Fantasy XI's release, simply because it sucked and was the worst RPG ever released for a console. Yes, even worse than that really sucky one. You know the one I mean.

Professor Ukato Desho from Kwansei Gakuin University commented in his annual report in 2005, "This is nothing special and happens all the time everywhere in the world. However, I find it startling that white people, especially Americans, could emulate the otaku stereotype that was previously thought to only exist in Japan. Many of my colleagues find this to be an alarming precedence but think that it is funny. Nobody would have guessed that uglie nerds would dare show their faces in public for the purpose of obtaining a video game on its release date. You would think that they could wait until the hype dies down. I mean, if I were in their position, I would rather wait a little while so that nobody would see me go to the store. Wouldn't you?" Yes Professor, I certainly would.

In conclusion, I label this post with about a 5% relevance to Twilight Princess and a 95% relevance to absolute garbage, and a neverbefore witnessed 110% to uglie nerds. I sign out cuz my satire is on the rocks and has begun its rapid decline into Unfunnyville, the neighbouring suburb of Unsatiricalville. Heck, I don't even know what the hell I just wrote.

TLC puts the C in Melancholy

Mood: Lovesick
Currently listening to: Arctic Monkeys - Mardy Bum

Wallpapers I made from The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi:

Enjoy. More to come soon.

C is for Cosplay

Mood: Probably artistic
Currently listening to: Probably something by Jay Chou

"Disgrace to the Uchiha Clan", the repost.

C is for Chopin

Mood: Elated
Currently listening to: All 7 of Jay Chou's albums

Today, out of nowhere, I spawned an obsession for The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, a real zany anime series. And thus, went on Youtube searching "haruhi" and watched cool vids, just like any otaku would have. Being the real piano enthusiast that I am (or was), I was so inspired by what I saw that I decided to come out of retirement. Nobody actually knew, but I decided about a month back that I wanted to quit piano because I felt that I had "been there, done that". What arrogance you say! I was slowly losing my interest in piano, which was probably a symptom of wanting to go "legit" with music. So, as a warning, don't delete your mp3s! (No, you should, but... er...)

As a result, I decided that during this holidays, though I had originally planned to tear into my bass, I, Charles Wong (Wikipedia: Article not found), will not only be doing that but also realizing my full potential as a piano player and record myself playing all of Jay Chou's greatest hits and upload them onto Youtube. Yes, read that sentence again if you thought you were dreaming. If, by overdose of an illegal substance, or by chance, you were actually dreaming, I am going to make it real.

I know, I know, this is every Asian girl's dream come true.

And Blogger is so nice to me. They gave me tags! Hurray for great justice! Finally, this rules out any chance of me ever returning to MSN Spaces or considering LiveJournal. WHEEEEEE GEEK LOVE!

*EDIT: Video #1 is now available on Youtube. Here it is:

Jay Chou's 发如雪 (Hair Like Snow) on pianoFeat. Charles WongA Zian Group Production

C is for Children of Men

Mood: Moody
Currently listening to: Bernard Fanning - Watch Over Me

Children of Men is a 2006 dystopian thriller film directed by Alfonso Cuaron. Children of Men is based on P.D. James's novel The Children of Men and stars Clive Owen, Julianne Moore and Michael Caine. Set in 2027 where no human child has been born for 18 years and science is at a loss to explain why, Children of Men envisions a world that has fallen into chaos as humankind faces the threat of its own extinction. (Directly stolen from Wikipedia's article on Children of Men)

Today, I went and saw Children of Men. It was a great film, and though I am a serious-movie fan, I do not have the highest regard for thrillers. Alfonso Cuaron had used the story very well to bring a lot of suspense to his audience. I honestly could not find anything I did not like about the film. Cuaron managed to keep me in wonder at the fragility of mankind and at the edge of my seat at the same time. The film moved me to tears and I feel it is a shame that not many people noticed this film when it was released. Children of Men can be found presenting humanity in a very "real" way and Cuaron uses this to his advantage, making it possible for the audience to believe in such a possible future.

A lot of the story is told through the images on screen, while character development is more associated with interaction between different characters and occuring events. The MA rating is accurately reflected by the large number of disturbing images and use of profanity. Children of Men is great for movie enthusiasts who like to notice minor visual details. The images are mostly very grey and reflect the setting of the story. Cuaron's camerawork is amazing and it can be clearly seen that he had put real effort into making the film feel alive and believable.

The contrast in music used in the film is effective in illustrating the difference between the old times and the dystopian future. Certain thrill scenes have high volume for shock effect and there is also the interesting alternation of volume from indoors and outdoors, that rather than being a soundtrack being played in the background, Cuaron makes it seem as though the music is being played within the movie setting itself.

People have claimed that Cuaron "broke the fourth wall" in Children of Men. I do slightly agree, but without spoiling anything, I actually propose that the technique he used, if anything, turned Children of Men into a documentary from a film at that point, in which the reality of this future completely came into full view. Children of Men is a very real film, and Cuaron has beautifully directed this piece of dystopian fiction. For sad-film/serious-film fans, I do recommend.

TLC puts the C in Magic: The Gathering

Mood: Tired
Currently listening to: Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U

Adam Wells would be proud.

TLC puts the C in Pac-Man

Mood: Not in the mood to study
Currently listening to: Radiohead - Creep

Dear reader, you may have noticed that the post title theme has taken a different turn. Yes, you've guessed it. In accordance to the Nerdy and Undereducated Newsreporters Society's (NUNS) code of ethics, never in my entire career as a journalist, whether I be pseudo, cadet, or retired am I allowed to write anywhere that the letter C stands for a word that does not begin with the letter C. I am, however, not prohibited by the NUNS to violate trademarking and copyright by turning my blog name into an acronym which also happens to stand for at least another 15 different things (Wikipedia: TLC). And from now on, along with the standard citing of reliable sources, Wikipedia articles will be linked when necessary and have been coded to open in a new window for your convenience. Thankyou for taking the time to read this introductory paragraph unrelated to Pac-Man.

In the summer of 1969, 4 years after Richard Gere was caught on camera enjoying a green tea icecream from a Shinjuku noodle bar, a famous Japanese performer by the name of Suzuki Paku(Wikipedia: Article not found) was filming an advertisement for a brand of Japanese pancakes on the streets of Akihabara. Suzuki was an avid supporter of the electronic gaming industry and despite the manager of the advertising company insisting that the commercial be filmed in nearby Ikebukuro, Suzuki was eagerly awaiting the release of Dragon Quest: Origins and had camped outside Go Go Game the night before, a variety game store that closed for renovation in the early 1990s. To this day, it still has not reopened for business. Otaku in the neighbourhood rumour that the shop is haunted and there is a "real" game of Resident Evil happening inside.

On that very day, 15 April, 1969, Suzuki was inspired to take the pancake phenomenon further and shortly after he told the camera crew of his vision, they told him of a gypsy only known as Namuko-sama and that he should seek this gypsy out. As the gender of Namuko-sama was unknown at the time, the usage of a pronoun co-referenced with Namuko-sama in the previous sentence would have created ambiguity and was ommitted for semantic purposes. It took Suzuki 8 years to find this enigmatic gypsy and then another 2 years for Namuko-sama, who is actually better known as Namco, the creator of retro classics such as Galaga.

Pac-Man has indeed come a long way, working his way into other gaming genres with spinoffs like SixPac-Man, IcePac-Man, JetPac-Man, WolfPac-Man, LeaderOfThePac-Man (Wikipedia: Articles not found), and the ever-controversial, TuPac-Man. For legal reasons, TLC cannot provide a link to the Wikipedia article for the Pac-Man spinoff TuPac-Man. TLC's lawyers maintain that it would be unwise to claim any affiliation with American poet Tupac Shakur, in the event that he was still alive. Namco also worked with Blizzard Entertainment in producing StimPac-Man, which was a Starcraft/Pac-Man crossover in which your Terran Marine would be chased by Zerglings (instead of Ghosts) around the maze. Some fans found it a bit quaint that Namco helped promote tourism to regions of South Asia with the release of Pacistan (Pronounced [paːkɪst̪aːn]) .

And today, as gamers in their 50s reflect back on the days of retro gaming, Pac-Man will undoubtedly be considered one of their all-time favourites (Game Addicted Youths' Binary Omnibus, 2005) alongside Tetris and Street Fighter II. The older members of Generation Y may also have had the chance to appreciate the great gaming experience that is Pac-Man. May the legend of the Japanese pancake be more than just a memory and live strong in the hearts of all ugly, lifeless nerds.

*DISCLAIMER: Although the Wikipedia article for Pac-Man clearly states that Pac-Man was a character invented by a Namco employee named Iwatani Toru, a very reliable source informed TLC long ago that this article has been heavily vandalised by satirists in an act of what we call, "Trying hard to be funny but failing miserably". As such, TLC maintains that the version of events recorded on this blog are more authentic than Michael Jackson's nose. In addition, TLC sends their sincere condolences to any fans of Tupac Shakur who were offended by the untasteful joking of his mortality. TLC's lawyers have been paid a sum to sign a total of 2 documents and nothing more. Should full charges be pressed against the letter C , um... well, we actually haven't thought that far ahead yet.

C is for Cinema

Mood: Indifferent

Currently listening to: Phantom Planet - One Ray of Sunlight

The film industry is the second largest of the modern day communication mediums. In the non-American world, Bollywood reigns supreme as the highest producer of cinematic features, generating gross earnings of nearly $160 billion USD a year (Actuarys and Statisticians Institute of Australia, 2005). With the wide spectrum of genres, there is almost certainly a film that will appeal to everyone. Whether it be comedy or romance or drama that pleases you, the movie market has grown so much over the past decade (Film Actor's Guild, 2004), that anyone, young or old, Asian or not, can enjoy a great cinema exprience.

The death of the VCR and the advent of the DVD was considered the greatest boon for the film industry for the last twenty years. Resident evil journalist Sharles Dubyoo recently interviewed movie director Steven Spielbergo to gain some insight regarding the effects that the birth of the DVD format has had on filmmaking. Mr Spielbergo had absolutely no knowledge or opinion regarding this area, and it was only revealed over a cup of coffee several hours after the interview that Mr Spielbergo was actually a fictional character spoof by Matt Groening, the creator of popular animated series: The Simpsons and Futurama (Wikipedia, Date of article unknown).

With the number of directors in the industry, new films are released at a fast rate and usually stay onscreen for an average of 2 months. There are exceptions however, such as the geek-flick trilogy of The Lord of the Rings, and teenybopper favourites like the Harry Potter film series which managed to stay in cinema for a disgusting 16 and 14 weeks respectively (ASIA, 2004). Many of our readers have written in to express their opinion regarding chick-flick Step Up. One reader felt that this movie had been onscreen for too long and also provided a published study detailing the correlation between film rating and endurance. The letter C assured readers that although Step Up was still showing at cinemas, nobody was going to go watch that trash.

On a tangent to the previous paragraph, in an attempt to increase readership, the pop culture column editor at the letter C paid an undisclosed amount of Internet currency to a source which we have only identified as a misinformed schoolboy for a list of films to see this summer. This is the list that was retrieved:

Films to see, Summer of 2006:
Jackass Number Two
Borat movie
Children of Men

*UPDATE: The schoolboy, with the screenname "CWang" sent us an email denouncing our tasteless satire and has urged us to see all the films on the list this summer.

C is for Chancellery

Mood: Oblivious

Currently listening to: Hinder - Lips of an Angel

THE LETTER C

SEAL OF FINE JOURNALISM

C is for Charles

Mood: Calm under pressure

Currently listening to: Fort Minor - Where'd You Go

Welcome to the newest evelight/skyless/husht. Husht unfortunately died pretty soon after I renounced Photoshop. I have been tempted to get it back, but am still holding well against my kleptomania. This new blog is currently operating under the working title: "the letter C". I find myself still saving my images in the \husht\ folder under \charles\. Simply as an act of conformity, I'll continue doing this until the end of the school year. How this is relevant to you, my reader, is completely oblivious to me. My hypothesis is that this behaviour is a symptom of "blogger-syndrome" (Wong, 2006), where we (bloggers) feel the unfathomable instinct to unnecessarily express ourselves. It's slightly weirded out, I know. I am moreso frightened at the fact that I presented a hypothesis.

Some dear friends of mine are MSN Spacers, LiveJournalists, and (yes, I am not kidding) BlogSpiriters (i lol'd). Now, for one, I've totally gotten over the fancy artsy layout factor. Layout is not what makes a great blog. While the aesthetics are important and also provide a more comfortable read for my demographic, those who know me (artistically speaking) will empathise with my liking to minimalist designs. Come on, I am Charles Wong, the guy who is most likely to do anything, and nothing. It's either conservative or radical. I can't be the inbetween. I don't know how. I claimed this many years ago and it would appear to still be true this very day. Now I mentioned these other blog-service-providers (BSPs?) because I want to see a flamewar happening. I also just went back to the start of my post and started bolding random stuff.

My hypothesis is that this behaviour is a symptom of
"blogger-syndrome" (Wong, 2006), where we (bloggers) feel the
unfathomable instinct to unnecessarily express ourselves.

Well, (probably inproper use of a new paragraph) see, I'm a Blogger (yes, literally) because I have a slight amount of discrimination for the other BSPs. MSN Spaces were great, until Microsoft decided to "revamp" the scheme of the interface. Now it's plain retarded. The only good thing about MSN Spaces was the embedded photo album. Nobody can disagree on that. But even then, the photo album feature went downhill when they removed slideshow navigation. Now it's plain junk. Writing a post in MSN Spaces also causes it to lag like you're playing 5 instances of DOTA on highest video quality in the background. I am not kidding. This is the very reason I deserted my Space and came here.

LiveJournal is not so bad, other than the fact I have no idea what's going on when I write in it. My good friend Emily keeps a very clean and tidy blog on LJ, hats off to her. Gotta love the mood emoticons. They own. I think they wouldn't let me use any of my common passwords, not even with numbers or whatever. I simply couldn't be bothered remembering an extra password to keep a blog that maybe 5 people at maximum will read. And BlogSpirit just sounds retarded. K? I have no idea how this information is going to affect you. I don't think it will, and I also think I just wasted some valuable minutes of my life typing this junk.

At last, we can have a little section regarding the post title. Yes, that's right, C is for Charles and nothing else. No, not even for chocolate or cheesecake or China. Just for today, the letter C stands for nothing else. As a bonus kickstart to my new blog, check out this Mii (Nintendo Wii Avatar o_O) of me (this "me" of me, haha):

For avatar-whoring enthusiasts, you can make your own at http://www.joystiq.com/media/2006/10/mii.swf

*EDIT: After previewing the republished version of my blog with this post in full, I officially declare that I sound like an intelligent and well-informed teenybopper. This is a great day for the Socialite World Order (Wong, 2006) and a terrible day for fine journalism.