The Letter C

TLC wishes there was a C in LIER Magazine

2007-06-05T19:13:00.001+10:00

Today is a sad day indeed for The Letter C office. The cops came and they took everything except our XBOX.

TLC is shutting down. 4 of our staff will be jailed for the next 3 years, and one of us is being deported. Charles was able to secure a job at a rival blog with the help of some friends in high places. Not only that, but they were the ones who called us out.

This is the online blog/mag that he is writing for now: http://liermag.blogspot.com/

You may find our work recycled on there, as LIER Magazine now has rights to all the material that is on this site. The user account for this blog has also been taken over; you can see posts signed by LIER now.

Goodbye. It has been a good 9 months.

TLC wishes it put the C in Starcraft 2

2007-05-23T23:12:00.000+10:00

Starcraft 2 is the ultimate wet dream that every Western-world geek has been waiting for. Though some may consider this to be a negative reflection on the attitudes and values of white youths living in the 21st century, anthropologists have reassured the mature population that these fine young people will not grow up to be single, socially-inept 30 year olds, but instead die at the ripe age of 24 in front of a flickering computer monitor, doing what they love.

An estimated 400 million youths will have their sleep patterns altered prior to the release of this long-awaited sequel. Many Korean men have already filed divorces in preparation for 110% immersion into the World of Starcraft. Unnamed military sources reporte that North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il has cancelled nuclear weapon development to engage in 6 months of intensive Starcraft training in order to maintain his title as Number One Gosu Dictator. Ironically, Korean legislation notes that Mr Kim is the only person in North Korea who has legal access to a personal computer.

Blizzard CEO Michael Morhaime has openly stated at a press conference that, "Starcraft 2 has been designed to be more addictive than World of Warcraft. It was specifically engineered to lure the playerbase of EA's Command and Conquer 3 to become loyal Blizzard fans for life. We hope that the Starcraft 2-factor will have such an effect on their belief system that they will give us their life savin-... er, souls. Our company's vision is to reward every person a private Protoss sacrificial ritual so they can be confident that their soul will be lost like a proud Protoss warrior.

Starcraft 2 has generated so much hype, that the late Gerrard Du Galle has risen from the dead to reprise his role as himself in the sequel. He has been spotted at net cafes in Marseilles, his home town, weeping over his wussy suicide back in Brood War. Protoss Carriers have been identified by the Hubble Telescope to be slowly approaching Earth. Astronomers have not yet made contact but are in the process of making some kind of plaque to aid communication with the off-world race. Had these science-geeks left the observatory to socialize during the 20th century, they would have learnt that the Protoss understood and spoke fluent English.

Pope Benedict XVI, the pope who seems to have an opinion on everything, ranging from strawberry icecream to coathangers, had this to say about Starcraft 2: "I sincerely hope that Christ Jesus will not return until Starcraft 2 has been released for at least 6 months. May the risen Lord forgive us all, for surely he Himself is waiting for the very same." Historians found this to be the first pope speech of which geeks and lifeless hobos could agree with, and the Catholic Church has welcomed this new harmony. Geek community spokesperson, teran_firebat69, who could only be reached on ICQ, was quoted as saying, "I haven't showered in 2 weeks, and I intend to stay in these clothes until the Starcraft 2 comes out!"

In other news, the International Garbology Institute counted more than 100 million Warcraft III CDs in their global rubbish collection for the week commencing 14 May 2007.

TLC Crackdown: The real cost of playing World of Warcraft

2007-05-14T20:45:00.000+10:00

Now for something different from the usual mishmash of random crap that has appeared on this blog of late. Last evening I indulged in the most intellectual of conversations with my associate J. Ho PhD Lovematics, and discussed the "cost" of playing World of Warcraft. Below I will provide the results and findings we uncovered during our scholarly chat.

First of all, lets look at the cost in terms of money. We calculated this based on the "loyal customer" or "steadfast consumer", ie. someone who is going to play to max level (with expansion) and participate in a reasonable amount of end-game content. Individual prices are taken from the lowest we've seen of the RRP in Australia. All costs are calculated in AUD.

Step 1.... Rolling start
World of Warcraft CD/DVDs with account key, with 1 month of play = $25
Burning Crusade CDs with expansion key = $50

Now, when Mr (or Miss) New WoW Player starts a new account, they have to either enter credit card details or a game card number in order to "activate" their subscription. You see, this is just how well Blizzard had thought out their business plan. Basically the credit card details are proof of the consumer's ability to keep on playing after the first month runs out. The truth is, anyone who's only going to play WoW for only the initial month is not getting their money's worth.

Ok, so they've just forked out $75 for the game and expansion (all you're really doing is paying for the account keys printed on the CD slips). Now if they don't have a credit card, and only someone with a steady income could keep one and play using it, expect to pay another $40 for a game card, which will be instantly activated and stacked after the initial month. So this forces a consecutive 3 month period of activated gameplay. Basically this gives the consumer no option at all to stop playing after the first month and save their extra 2 months for another time.

Step 2... Level 1 to 60
J. Ho proposed a 2-hour-a-day gameplay plan for our imaginary consumer. How long would an average WoW player take to reach Level 60 on this schedule? I estimated something close to 6 months.

6 months of WoW subscription is....
3 game cards = $120 (if bought from a shop)
3 game cards = $102 (if bought from eBay)

Now, C knows that certain sellers on eBay vendor the game cards at $34 free postage, so we can bring that cost down quite a bit. However, for the WoW player, unless they are well organized (highly doubtful), they will most likely not keep track of their WoW subscription and suddenly one day realize, "Oh, darn, it's run out." The fastest option would be to head down to the local EB and fork out a hefty $40 for the 60-day recharge. For organized people and Asians, eBay is probably the better option simply because its the cheaper option. Though the delivery is not instant, if one has not reached the level of addiction, the consumer could probably survive a few days without it and save themselves $6. Go buy yourself a cookie!

Alright... so our lucky friend has reached Level 60! Ding! Grats!

Step 3... Gearing at 60
Gearing up is a lengthy process, but there are a few different ways to obtain decent equipment. At 60 our player would be pretty experienced at the game by now, but probably has never entered a 40-man raid. So first they're going to take some time to get "attuned" and "keyed", which are fancy terms that roughly translate to "do lots of quests and other menial tasks for a month or two".

I gave our consumer 1 month of gameplay time to get attuned for Molten Core, the first 40-man raid dungeon available. During their time in MC, they'll roughly be spending 3+ hour sessions inside the dungeon with 39 other people. With only a handful of bosses and very low drop-rates, and a total of 8 character classes, and one piece of the armor set dropping if you're lucky, getting enough gear to move on to the next dungeon can be a very long and arduous (sp?) task.

If they decide to not raid and just PVP, the honor required for the 60 epic sets is a reasonably high amount. So that's a lot of PVPing right there, whether its from world or BGs. BGs are a lot faster, but could get old very quick because of random team matchups.

Lets not forget the money required for the Epic mount too. Something close to 550 gold will take maybe a few weeks to farm, if all they're doing is pure farming.... farming day after day for quite a few days. I managed to make close to 400 gold after 2 months of semi-farming from Level 20-45-ish. At Level 60, depending on their professions, the grind for cash could be much faster or slower.

So... another 3 months of gameplay will amount to a total of $60.

Step 4... Grind to 70 and beyond
Alright, they work hard to hit 70 after getting geared and then at 70, it's time to get attuned for more dungeons and raid more on weekends and get geared and then PVP more and whatnot. Maybe this will keep them entertained for 2 months, but usually people will roll new characters. So now they've started a new character and they'll be playing this one again.

Grind, grind, grind and suddenly 3 months of their life has wasted away again.

Let's pretend that's a total of 6 months... which is... $120.

Step 5... Year 2 Maths
Let's sum it all up now, for the cost of someone who plays to Level 70 and enjoys some end-game content and maybe play a new character...

$25 + $50 + $120 + $60 + 120 = $375...

Well, you look at it, and it doesn't seem to be all that much.

Now there are people out there who've been playing since the release, which was like 2 years back... Every year of WoW subscription costs $240. Do the maths yourself. Blizzard must be very very rich.

TLC Crackdown: Harry Potter Book 7 Leaked

2007-05-04T21:59:00.000+10:00

The very professional janitors at The Letter C office managed to hijack a bypassing truck earlier this week. First believing it to contain enough beer to solve Australia's drought problem, upon opening the metallic safes (yes, plural), we discovered copies of the first print of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. Unfortunately, in order to prevent anyone selling them or keeping them for personal use, several of them self destructed. We managed to salvage half of one and a bit of another. From what we could put back together, we have a large portion of the second last chapter, since the self-destruction device was installed in the front of the book, possibly to injure thieving magpies.

Anyhow, here is the excerpt from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, the seventh and final book of the Harry Potter series, written by J. K. Rowling:

** WARNING: SPOILERS AND EXTREME WIZARD VIOLENCE**

- CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX -

The Dirtiest Deed

Dumbledore's charred remains showered the room and Voldemort blew out his smouldering wand. The dark room continued to remain lit after the spell found impact. Harry could not believe his eyes; the greatest wizard he had ever known was killed in a split second. Strangely, Voldemort's spell did not flash green, but Harry was too shocked to notice.

"You're next Potter!" cackled the dark lord.

Voldemort began walking towards the other side of the room.

"Harry! Harry! What are you doing? Run!" cried Hermione, who was still trapped under the broken pillar. While Harry stood there, he began to feel tears come from his eyes. Suddenly, warm hands came from behind and placed themselves on his shoulders. Harry turned around to find the last person he wanted to see, but the truth was, it was the only person he wanted to see. Malfoy began to stroke Harry's hair, saying, "Potter, it's not over. Stay strong." Harry was so touched by Malfoy's words that he could no longer hold back the tears and started sobbing profusely into Malfoy's chest.

"Spare me the corny soap opera and die! Abra Kadabra!"

Lord Voldemort shoots Rank 1 Death Coil at Harry Potter!

Harry Potter takes 220 shadow damage!

Lord Voldemort is healed for 220 damage!

Harry Potter runs in horror!

"Potter, you can't die now. I have to first tell you the truth about everything," whispered Malfoy. Although Harry had blood spewing out of his chest and desperately needed to go to the hospital, Malfoy turned him to face himself and said, "Harry, I love you. There is nobody else in the world who I would rather spend the rest of my life with than you." Being the type of girl who always did the right thing at the right time, Hermione used the last of her strength to cast a summoning spell to summon Celine Dion to the presence of the amorous lovers, who now had their bodies intertwined on the hard, stone floor of the underground tomb.

- END EXCERPT -

Many apologies to the kids and dirty perverts who really wanted to see more (pun intended). Hope we didn't spoil too much for you of what's to come in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. You can be sure that the content is retrieved is 100% reliable; no amount of "Made in China" tags are going to fool us. We did indeed get our hands on the real thing, and if Miss Rowling is keen on sueing (sp?) TLC, our army of lawyers will be ready.

Regards,
The Letter C Staff, Amateur Storywriting Department

There is no C in Youtube

2007-04-29T20:54:00.000+10:00

Ah, Youtube is surely the household name of the 21st century. Everyone's heard of and visits Youtube on a regular basis - your next door neighbour, your next door neighbour's pet doberman, eskimos and the like included. And at the same time there appear to be just as much a variety in the producers of the videos too. Ever seen that video of Robert Aevin getting probed up the ass by Martians? Yes, even the Martians have access to Youtube.

When Google bought out Youtube, the world was shocked. Even the non-geek population was shocked. Housewives started asking, "Does this mean Google-brand breakfast cereal is just around the corner? Will it taste like binary?" This isn't the first time Google stopped the world in its tracks. There have been other occasions, like the one time the search engine died and school children all over the world could not copy and paste anymore content for their assignments. It was a grand exposure of the true quality of Australia's education system.

Youtube is infamous for having a collection of every episode of LOST that has ever aired, and 60% of the site's subscribers threatened to boycott if this blasphemy was not atoned for. In fact, the variety of video content available is so vast, that the only videos missing from Youtube are clips from Hardcore Japanese Pron Babes XXX Vol. 5 (dear friend of The Letter C, TK Wang, confirmed this for us). The craze of "Youtub-ing" has taken the world by storm, so much that the teenagers of today's society no longer visit Internet cafes to play Counter-Strike together, but rather to enjoy an intimate session of watching stand-up comedy on Youtube with their friends and schoolmates. It's as if Youtubing is a prohibited activity at home or at school, comparable with smoking marijuana in an aeroplane bathroom.

We interviewed several people to get their opinion on the situation.

Kim Kim-Kim, a South Korean mother of three said, "Oooooo... my children..
they watch sad Korean drama on computer all day and we never have quality
family time! It's OK to miss school, but quality time with family number one...
Youtube is a bad!"

Arthur Arthurson, renowned movie director said, "Youtube is great, now I
can save at least 1 million on my budget for clowns, beer and hookers, in that
order."

Invader Zim was unavailable for comment.

There can be no doubt that Youtube is the way of the future - the way of eternal fiery burning and violation of copyright laws.

TLC puts the C in Amazing Race

2007-04-27T23:27:00.000+10:00

Truly, truly, Amazing Race is one of the greatest reality shows to come onto Australian home television screens. The gameplay is fast paced, jam-packed and contains more reality show competition cliche's than colloquialisms (sp?) in this freakin' sentence. In Amazing Race, every participant is a winner, even if you don't win. For the superficial, it's a sure way to get your face onto television for many appearances. Well, except for if you're really ugly or a real tight ass, then it's very likely people will like you less after they see you on the show. It is bound to create some tension amongst your friends who are better-looking or more money-hungry than you, provided you have any at all.

Be warned, however, that the Amazing Race is not a game that can be easily emulated for your own recreational purposes. There are way too many factors that can seriously ruin the game, and in the worst case scenario, someone may drop their icecream on the grass and be forced to lick it back up, simply because the instructions demanded it. But do not be worried, if the participants are of Asian heritage, you can be pretty damned sure they WILL lick up that icecream, because there is no way true Asian would spend $2.00 for another icecream cone.

When you are creating minigames for your very own Amazing Race, be sure not to include tedious tasks like setting a new Guiness World Record. Trust us, that kind of quest is impossible and your production team will get fired quick because you will blow your budget. Be sure to get the participants to do fun things, or they will get bored and your ratings will go to the rocks. Get them to try something exotic, like firebreathing, Russian Roulette with an RPG, driving down the highway in reverse gear, or even just eating a live scorpion. Such events are bound to attract a large audience and also the raver community.

Of course, at the end of the race, the winner should be awarded with a prize. Stay away from the really generic stuff, like roses and chocolate; nobody in the world wants to receive those for any reason anymore. There are so many easy ways to make your Amazing Race stand out from all the rest of the wannabes. Useful prizes like a lifetime supply of condoms will definitely score you a ready supply of willing competitors for next season. Just beware: do not offer a lifetime subscription to World of Warcraft, you don't want a plethora of uglie nerdling geekoids applying for your show - seeing "Jedi" as someone's religion is funny the first time, but never again.

I would think of a really witty rhyming pun to Amazing Race to make fun of the show, but I won't because I only have an IQ of 79.

TLC puts the C in Slashfiction

2007-04-15T21:34:00.000+10:00

According to LIER magazine's yearly census, slashfiction ranked as the highest form of literary entertainment of 2006 for young insecure boys, perverted teenage girls and yet-to-be-convicted pedophiles. The genre of sSlashfiction first spawned from a typo in a Mills and Boons romance novelette. Though the word "her" was misprinted as "his" on all 220 pages, this little misdeed was regarded as an accident by the printing company. The cover of the book promised intense man-on-woman action, but desperate housewives and adolescent girls all around the world got a taste of nothing but this morning's breakfast in their mouth.

Back in the day when people were not very open about homosexuality, slashfiction was the only way that gay young men could express their wildest fantasies over the Internet, as chatrooms were still monitored by the FBI for any signs of gay activity. Nowadays, those very same FBI agents are busy pretending to be underage girls to lure pedophiles into an orange prisoners' uniform. Today, slashfic'ing is a widely accepted hobby, and even found in popular culture. Check out this exerpt from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Boner:

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you
stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his
hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils. He
bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what
looked like lumpy gray glue.

Even J. K. Rowling could not resist the temptation of adding some "slash" into her "fic". A quick look at C's My Document's folder suggests that Naruto and Hannibal Lector are currently the most popular subjects of slashfic'ing, with Kingdom Hearts being one of the least slash'd media. We think it is most likely because that in Kingdom Hearts, the heroes look like girls and the heroines are actually attractive enough to make a gay boy question his homosexuality and hot enough that a glimpse at their perfect CG body would make the gayest teenage boy's boner reach the moon.

For anyone who's eager to experiment with slashfiction, whether it is using it as sexy-time material or becoming the next world-famous slashfiction writer, here are a few tips for you:

1) Always make sure it is 18+
2) There must be at least 3 male characters, with at least 2 of them under 13
3) There should be 4 paragraphs just describing their emotions when staring dreamily into each other's eyes
4) Girl characters turn out to be boys in disguise
5) Older brother and younger brother action will definitely win you an Oscar

Attached at the end of this post is one C wrote earlier. We warn that your innocence may be abruptly taken away from you and you may expel your most vital internal organs via your oral cavity during chapters 2, 6 and 13. If you do not wish to read 800 words on just the description of a twinkie, we recommend you skipping chapter 4. Happy slashfic'ing.

tlc_slashfic.txt (2.4Mb)

That's right, there is no attached slashfic, you filthy pervert.

TLC puts the C in Asian haircut

2007-04-08T21:46:00.000+10:00

For your average Asian male between age 13-21 there is nothing like ditching your crappy whitey's blade cuts and flat tops and converting to an Asian hairdresser. When you step inside that door, and that promiscuous-looking intern massages your scalp with up to 4 different chemical substances, you will know and realize - this isn't going to be cheap. Remember the very first time when he unsheathed his clippers from his large array of scissory and maybe gave you a wink in the mirror? Yes, he was wearing a wedding ring, and no, he was not married to a woman.

The routine is simple; they wash your hair, you sit down, the hairdresser opens up a Japanese/Korean magazine and you pick a hairstyle. It should be noted that getting Takuya Kimura's haircut will NOT hide your ugliness from the world. Most of the time, a simple haircut will require a decent Asian hairdresser to use up to 4 different types of scissors, but in some match-ups may require to use the rest of their cooldowns.

Asian boys should beware - going into an Asian salon will almost always result in you coming out brandishing the infamous was-cool-maybe-back-in-high-school Asian mullet. Fashion analyst and self-proclaimed metrosexual Clay Clayson tells us that this hairstyle is a double-edged sword of sorts. If you are looking to impress a young lady with this haircut, you better hope she doesn't care about looks. If she doesn't care about looks, then she is most definitely after your money. If you lack both, it is very likely she is lesbian.

In addition to a wild hairdo, all hip Asians should invest in hair colouring to disassociate themselves with their heritage. As of 2005, it was no longer cool to have black hair because that's when the Emo movement began and unfortunately for us Asians, our hair was just too freakin' black. A shade of brown with some blonde highlights is generally acceptable, but if you go for something like fluoro green, you are bound to lose more than just friends. Do not be surprised if your parents will not let you back inside the house. Don't worry, I'm sure they think you look fantastic - it's just that they can't recognize you.

How much should one expect to fork out for a little self-esteem? Well, if you sported a cheesy bowl cut prior to your "made in China" transformation, it is unlikely you had advanced very far in the food-chain of life. In this case, this haircut may cost you your life savings and most if not all of your innocence. Now that you look like an Asian gangsta, you will be expected to act like one by not only your peers, but also your school teachers and personal butler. Be prepared for many parent-teacher meetings.

TLC Crackdown: Solo Roleplaying

2007-03-31T13:11:00.000+10:00

Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (12:58 PM):
yeah it was
either going to be dual monitors
or 30"
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (12:58 PM):
i haven't decided for anzac weekend yet
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? sends:

Open(Alt+P)

You have successfully received D:\My Documents\My Received Files\DSC00005.JPG from Gimme a break 6.43 already!?.

[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:00 PM):
...whoa
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:00 PM):
yeah the pronz... i mean movies
look reallyg ood
lol
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:00 PM):
nice keyboard... isn't that like $300?
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:01 PM):
i saw that keyboard at harvey norman yesterday and it was going for $300..
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:01 PM):
yeah thats like hte novaedge or some crap
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:01 PM):
omg
insane
very cool
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:01 PM):
thankte matey
come play dota next time
lol
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:01 PM):
lol
when?
oh
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:01 PM):
if u're ever in town
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:01 PM):
man dota on widescreen is soooo weird
lolo
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:01 PM):
yeah it is a little
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:01 PM):
yeh
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:02 PM):
i play in windowed mode anyway
so i resize it back to golden ratio
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:02 PM):
what!?
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:02 PM):
you really should play in windowed mode
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:02 PM):
whats
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:02 PM):
-windowed
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:02 PM):
'godlen ratio'
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:02 PM):
golden ratio is... 4:#
4:3
the normal screen ratio
like.. not wide
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:02 PM):
yeah yeah
actually that mite work
there is also some way
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:02 PM):
yeh go for it
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:02 PM):
to force a lot of programs
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:03 PM):
to show that many pixels
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:03 PM):
wow
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:03 PM):
like generals zero hour u can edit the ini
to make it 2560 x 1600
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:03 PM):
...OMgggggg
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:04 PM):
have you played C&C3 yet?
it looks slick
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:04 PM):
no i haven't
but my friend's bugging me to get it
i'm playing oblivion
its such a bad idea
lol
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:04 PM):
probably not worth the $88
ahhah oblivion
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:04 PM):
but such a good game
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:04 PM):
oh man
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:04 PM):
did u play it???
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:04 PM):
it must look good on that monitor
no i didn't
i'm not really into that type of RPG
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:04 PM):
yeah it looks relaly good
rpgs are soul suckers
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:04 PM):
WoW already takes enough of my time
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:04 PM):
are u wowing?
haha
hahha
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:04 PM):
i don't really enjoy single player RPG
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:04 PM):
hahaah
the role play
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:05 PM):
i'm not playing WoW right now... lol
Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:05 PM):
not real enough for u?
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:05 PM):
XD

Gimme a break 6.43 already!? says (1:05 PM):
lol thats so funny
on so many levels
'single player role playing is not enjoyable'
but many people role playing is
hahahaha
[cwong] charles "chuckwardenn" wong [/cwong] for bleach lovers: http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYGLEJ9LV18 says (1:06 PM):
lol

O MAI GAW- TELL ME THIS ISN"T INSNAE

TLC Tutorial: Top 10 ways to quit World of Warcraft

2007-03-27T21:01:00.000+10:00

Truly, truly, this is a guide to one of the great milestones of geekdom. Though we originally planned to interview an expert, we searched far and wide, from the west coast of Australia all the way to California, then to Singapore, then to the dark side of the moon, but nobody who had accomplished this mighty feat was to be found.

Nonetheless, the players here at The Letter C have compiled a lengthy list to aid all players/addicts/slaves of World of Warcraft in this quest for epic freedom (my boss said that WoW pun had to be included).

In no particular order, these are the steps to be taken in order to complete the quest:

1. Give up now, it's impossible.

There is no C in Playstation 3

2007-03-25T22:52:00.000+10:00

In recent news, the Playstation 3 made its not-so-epic release in Australia. Sony was tactless to call for a midnight launch, because the last time I checked, the latest geek trend is to stay up until 3am playing World of Warcraft in their parents' basement. For the less extravagant breed of nerd, last time I checked, it was "cool" to own an XBox 360, and for their parents, it was "fresh" to possess a Nintendo Wii. This silly purchase of a new-age console most definitely left said Australian doll bludgers/families broke and unable to cash in on Sony's overly expensive new toy.

Predictably, the only people who were actually able to afford the Playstation 3 without taking out a loan for $1000 AUD were spoilt Asian kids with rich parents and elitist white boys, who had to own one of the very first Australian PS3s despite the empty care cup of their peers, grandparents and school teachers.

Political analysts were quick to point out that Kevin Rudd may have anticipated the release of Sony's latest console with his push for faster broadband. This was interpreted as Mr Rudd saying, "I am lonely and wish I had more Aussie noobs to fry online." Prime Minister John Howard was quoted replying, "Kevin Rudd will not be able to fulfill his promises to the public," and then footage of Mr Howard claiming the coalition "would never allow the GST to exist" under its government. Although this footage was especially incriminating for Mr Howard, the real crime for him is playing Alliance.

TLC Theatre: Tale of Hamburglar, The

2007-03-19T12:48:00.000+10:00

It was a perfect summer's day, when a convicted pedophile by the name of Ronald "Ronald McDonald" McDonald was sentenced to another 28 years in Drive-Thru service for an alledged sexual attack on a 6-year-old restaurant patron. While this news story was being aired on CCN (Communist Chinaman's Newsdump), Hamish Burglier, as he was known then, was making himself a batch of Chicken McNuggets for breakfast, of which he had stolen from a McDonalds delivery truck several months earlier.
For someone who had never conversed or danced the Tango with Hamish, he would appear to just be another lonely hobo who had neither girlfriend nor a fresh pair of underwear. Of course, back in his day, there was no World of Warcraft, so he spent most of his afternoons playing Chess against the poster of late Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith on his bedroom ceiling.

"I have been thoroughly named and shamed for my actions, and am deeply sorry for ruining the world-recognized family-friendly of McDonalds as a family restaurant," McDonald spoke before being muffled by an oily, paper bag. "Zfff mmf zfffiiuuunn!" Despite having his DNA confirmed no less than 13 times by a total of 8 different scientists from 4 of the then 6 continents of the globe, McDonald's army of lawyers would describe their client as nothing but "innocent".

Had Hamish seen this drama play out on his monochrome television set, he would have immediately recognized Mr McDonald, as the two had met some years earlier in a drug deal. While Hamish used the pseudonym "The Buddha" when acting as the greatest North American dealer of South American weed, Mr McDonald used the ever inconspicuous alias of "Ronald McDonald". Unfortunately, those large clown shoes were almost always a dead giveaway. It was a shame that Hamish did not see this news report regarding his most lucrative customer, as he was lying unconscious on the floor after having consumed raw and expired Chicken McNuggets, which have since been proven to be deadly to French consumers.

But as we come to yet another abrupt conclusion of an incoherent wall-of-bullsh*t, some questions remain unanswered. How did Hamish Burglier become the Hamburglar? Is Hamish Burglier just a euphemism for baguette? How many children did Ronald McDonald rape while in and out of prison? I had Chicken McNuggets for lunch today and I do not have life insurance, is this bad news? Are my children safe from the ghost of Ronald McDonald? Just what the f*ck is Grimace meant to be? I bet that MakeUpYourOwnMind.com McDonalds website will have answers for questions such as these!

*Disclaimer: Since we have taken C into ransom, there will be no new posts until The Letter C receives a donation equating to and/or of greater value than $1 million USD.

- Charles Wong's army of lawyers

TLC Crackdown: Uglie Nerd Epidemic

2007-03-15T22:28:00.000+10:00

Dear citizens of Planet Earth,

A world-peace-threatening epidemic is just beyond the horizon and fast approaching. Possibly by 2010 AD or sooner, a new race of humans known as Uglie Nerds will spawn from a currently non-existent gene pool and terrorise peaceful neighbourhoods and trample our planet's fragile daffodils and ants. Scientists were warned on the 18th of September, 2006 by a man going under the alias "Time Commando". 20th Century geeks have already confirmed that it is not the guy who starred in the PlayStation game of the same name.

So far, we have little evidence that excessive use of the electronic drug called World of Warcraft will be the cause of this disaster. Moreso, many of the world leaders are unaware that the Internet was used for the intake of illegal data - we thought that people only used it to download pornography. In the event that World of Warcraft is indeed the catalyst for destruction, we have decided that no risks can be taken and that the Internet must be cut away.

After browsing various virtual breeding dens of these Uglie Nerds, named "forums", we have concluded that a blizzard will mark the beginning of the uprising. Our top scientists and environmental activists have, for the first time in 220 years, decided to settle their differences and join together in an act of accelerated global warming. We have predicted that if every household of developed nations burns at least 10Kg of coal per day, the global warming process will be complete by 30th of February, 2008. A total of $470 billion US has been allocated for the development of underwater colonies, water-resistant fireworks and waterproof toasters.

In the event that our leadership has got it totally wrong, we implore all females to stay away from the Internet. We fear that the Uglie Nerds will target those of the feminine gender, regardless of age or location. If you are a parent and you have a daughter who has a MySpace page, then we regret to inform you that it is too late. They will be the first to be swarmed by the Uglie Nerds. Fear not, as we have access to government information detailing your daughter's exact whereabouts and her measurements.

See you later, suckers,
World leaders of the arrogant and smug variety

There is no C in PSP

2007-03-11T21:39:00.000+10:00

The PSP was Sony's worst invention since the Sony-brand unopened minidisc shredder back in 1998. PSP is supposedly meant to stand for Playstation Portable, but we prefer to call it the Portable Piece of Sh*t. Yes, we do realize that would make the acronym PPS, but frankly, our care cup is empty.

Sony was faced with a number of problems when the PSP made its initial debut into the portable console race. Not only was the PSP a shoddy piece of sweatshop handiwork, it was also faced with the incredible competition coming from the Nintendo DS, which had already gained a large following because of the crappy kid's title Nintendogs, with the addition of the scat-lover's spinoff version - Nintenbogs.

Consumers and console thiefs complained that the PSP's d-pad was (direct quote from LIER Magazine), "really focking gay" and "so bad it gave me the worst hand whiplash ever." For more information on hand whiplash, please visit Doohickiepedia.org. Not only was the d-pad bad, but the plastic imitation analog stick was worse, resembling a weird potruding speaker of some sort (and yes, 99% of PSP owners including myself held this misconception for at least the first 6 weeks of owning the console).

The shoddy controls immediately made half the initial gamebase redundant. Hardcore fans will remember that 9 out of 10 PSP games released during its first 2 years of failure were fighting or racing games. Players could not steer properly or perform the patented Hadoken motion with their left-thumb. This caused Sony to get embarassed fast, and at a press conference last November, Sony's chairman Sony Mao (yes, that is his real name) tried to hide himself behind a cardboard cut-out of Crash Bandicoot. Oh, hilarity ensued.

However, it did not all go bad for Sony. With the release of Lumines, which we can only describe as something along the lines of Tetris + Winamp + Ecstacy, PSP sales went right up in the raver community, because the only people who were buying the PSP previously were Asian kids with rich parents and white kids who were suffering Wannabe Asian Syndrome. Unfortunately, Sony thought that a Lumines 2 would save their ass, when in fact, most of the ravers who played the original died from the insane deadly formula of Tetris + Winamp + Ecstacy + Glowsticks, with glowsticks being the clear key ingredient for death.

We can only conclude that the PSP will continue to suck at least until the remake of Final Fantasy Tactics is released. When that time comes, Blizzard Entertainment will lose a valuable World of Warcraft customer. Catch my drift?

TLC Obituary: Professor Oak

2007-03-09T16:38:00.000+10:00

Professor Oak (June 6, 1947, Viridian City Hospital - March 21, 2006, Pallet Town Pokemart) was a visionary and pioneer of Pokemon research. Not only a renowned expert in Pokemon knowledge, Oak was also the grandfather of an arrogant elitist grandson, Gary Oak. Oak graduated from Pokemon University at the age of 18 to pursue a career in adult photography, but made a shift to the study of Pokemon when he turned 23. His reason for doing so was never shared with his family nor peers, but recently discovered memoirs of the professor recorded him saying:

"It was the sight of Charizard's long, slender neck that did it for me. It was the most erotic sight I had ever witnessed and I longed to explore it further."

Oak was both a scholar of his field and a crazed fan, and was often called the "Father of Pokemon", after being caught on one occassion to mate with a Nidoqueen. For the many years following this incident, he argued that it was a far better situation than if Nurse Joy or Officer Jenny were found in his bed. Only Nurse Joy agreed to this, and through a number of sexual affairs and time-machine mishaps, Officer Jenny gave birth to Professor Oak's grandson, Gary Oak. To this day, this dark and wounding secret is kept hush-hush because nobody is really sure which Officer Jenny was the real mother and how the bloodline managed to skip a generation. Extensive DNA testing proved that Professor Oak was 20% Pokemon.

While Professor Oak was portrayed as a rather eccentric figure on the Pokemon animated series, in real life he was more conservative and would only cook pizza in the microwave when nobody was watching. It was found several years after the first series of Pokemon that Professor Oak was actually not qualified in his field of Pokemon research and was in fact a fraud who photoshopped his diploma.

Oak was a brave man, once fighting off several Geodudes by himself without any aid from humans or Pokemon or ninjas (who are not human) or alien robotic tentacle cyborgs from Mars (or their Venus counterparts). He was then inducted into the Pokemon Hall of Fame with his team of Ninetails, Espeon, Nidoqueen, Rapidash, Celebi and Jigglypuff. It should be noted the fact that Professor Oak's team consists of only female Pokemon is no coincidence and full charges were pressed against him shortly before he died in captivity by American corporate billionaire tyrants.

He left to his grandson Gary a total of 20 thousand unused Pokeballs, his wife's Pokemon furs wardrobe, a year-pass to Pokemon-themed theme park Pokemon Land and an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with salarymen's savings that the craze hoarded for the past 10 years.

Professor Oak's greatest and most notable achievements include:

Contributing research to the fight against Pokemon AIDS

Being the first senile old man to use Pokemon in a sexual act

Being the first senile old man in the Pokemon profession to grandfather an arrogant snob-faced bastard

Making an extra $40,000 a year for Pokemon industries by posing as a hobo

Appearing on a Pokemon card

Not appearing on a milk carton

Through the greatest of adversities, Professor Oak, even in his old age manages to get out of the retirement home every once in a while, and has been spotted on many occassions by The Letter C. This is our salute to the great Pokemon professor; a picture of the man himself molesting some children and their Pikachu:

Professor, you will be missed.

There is no C in Twenty

2007-03-03T08:56:00.000+10:00

Ah, the fifth life crisis (assuming I live to be a hundred years old) is an epic event in most cultures but does not come close to the epicness of the twenty-first birthday. Twentieths are best celebrated with 20 hours on World of Warcraft, whether by yourself or with "girls" you met while on a quest. In the day and age of Internet sexual predation (right word?), it would be most unwise to ask for cyber secks because you might just be speaking with an undercover FBI agent posing as a Night Elf. Pesky alliance!

Inevitably, the birthday boy or girl will most definitely be against the idea of singing Happy Birthday, arguably one of the worst tunes in all of mankind. Bound to make the star of the night as red of a tomato, it is actually a very good form of anti-boner, especially with that frisky Asian boy sitting across from you. The hilarity that may insue from this singing could range from a chair being thrown around, or, perhaps a much more foolproof method, namely pressing full charges.

One of history's most famous twentieth birthdays include Google's. Sir Webley Google, overlord of the Internet search engines went for a night out at the town, enjoying alcohol and inappropriate jokes about how MSN's shares have been losing their value and how nobody thinks of asking Jeeves anymore. For our readers information: Jeeves was actually slain in 2002 in a car "accident", by a colourful Volkswagen Beetle with the number plate "GOOGLE". Very subtle. That very night Google also broke 2 world records: firstly for the Most Number of Hookers Hired for Service in 1 hour, and for First Joke about a Search Engine not related to Google.

Of course, when it comes to choosing a gift, this is always a hard decision, even if you are the reincarnation of Albert Einstein. In almost all situations, buying an XBox for the birthday boy or girl is considered bad form. Flowers, chocolates, clothes, hair dryers, electric pencil sharpeners, self-help books, iPod carry cases and non-alcoholic champagne have made the list of 2007's corniest birthday gifts. It is also the very reason most of these items are no longer popular.

Remember the golden rule friends: Cosmetic surgery can make you look young if you age too quickly.

C is for Cosmetic Surgery

2007-03-01T17:41:00.000+10:00

Level: 27
Currently: Waiting for the Americans to sleep so I can quest without getting ganked

Have you ever wished you looked better than that dead cane toad on your driveway? Or perhaps you were sick of people comparing your face to the likeness of a milk carton. We understand that these are some of life's most difficult trials, but there are many easy solutions available. Back in the 18th century, your doctor would have told you, "Suicide is your only option." You could say that over the past 300 years, not much has changed, since anyone you ask on an Internet forum is likely to tell you the same thing, but luckily today there is another alternative: cosmetic surgery. They both cost about the same, and the only difference is that your friends will probably still be your friends if the suicide goes wrong.

With the help of the father of that Asian kid you met in primary school, now you too, can look like the hardcore Japanese pr0n babe on your boyfriend's computer desktop. Don't worry about a thing, the Japanese are the undisputed gurus of cosmetic surgery - seriously, next time you are in Japan, take a walk around Shinjuku at night... every woman you see could be a pornstar! If you aren't much the type for looking great in real life, and prefer to enhance the appearance of your World of Warcraft avatar, there are plenty of ways you can do this too. Go purchase Burning Crusade and roll a female Blood Elf; they're HOT!

So, now the question is: Do YOU need cosmetic surgery? Our team of experienced surgeons can change your appearance - forever! Have you been attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with your husband lately, but feel like you're not really fitting in? That's ok, for something around $2000 AUD, we can give you an authentic beer gut that will have your partner's beerbuddies jealous! Never feel left out again! Did that girl turn you down when you asked her to your prom? No worries, sign over possession of your parents' assets and we can get you looking like Brad Pitt - for the entire night! We'll even pay for the cab for your quick getaway when the plastic "wears off".

Make the wise choice, my pimple-faced nerdgin (nerd + virgin) and cancel your World of Warcraft subscription today... there are far better and more socially acceptable uses for that precious lunch money!

TLC puts the C in Piracy

2007-02-24T20:13:00.000+10:00

Piracy is a fancy word for the crime known as theft. It is more commonly known as "What your Asian neighbour was up to all week" and is ranked in second spot on the Top 5 Asian Misdeeds of your Typical Asian Immigrant. While piracy is frowned upon by clergymen, song artists and Nintendo, it is encouraged and widely practised by schoolchildren, housewives and cheap university students who think photocopying the entirety of a 500 page textbook is "ok".

Since the turn of the millenium, piracy has turned from a crime into an artform, with the most bizarre things being "pirated" - ranging from advertisement boards, ninjas and domesticated monkeys at the zoo. Fake versions of all these things can now be easily bought at a discount price from any Asian hawker at your nearby shopping plaza.

The true elaboracy of the history of piracy may not be fully known to all, but it is understandable, as only a small portion of pirates are interested in the ancient Chinese traditions behind this lost ritual. During the Kam Fuk Dynasty, a man was measured in society according to size of his pirated music records collection. When a young Wimp Pe Feh invented the CD burner, young girls all over China lusted for him and his newfound power to pirate anything he wished. Feh soon went on to invent the French toast burner to create imitation French toast (without the need for oil, egg, butter nor bread) and also the underrated water burner (which made water out of... well, nothing at all). Contrary to popular belief, Wimp Pe Feh did not invent the Bunsen burner, as this device does not bootleg anything at all.

What began as humble beginnings for a rather not-so-well-hung Asian man, has now become a worldwide phenomenon. Piracy has developed a large cult following, with even your average computer-illiterate dummy being able to commit theft with a few clicks of their computer mouse. The reason piracy is so attractive is because of the difficulty in catching the culprits, since anyone who owns a computer/knows someone who owns a computer/has Internet access is already deemed a suspect/guilty/headed to jail/headed for the fiery depths of hell.

There is one solution to combat piracy, however: bring in enough ninjas to lay down the beatdown (if this sounded corny to you, then you forgot to stress the "lay" and the "beat" and probably didn't have Tekken music playing in the background).

TLC Crackdown: Gay gamers

2007-02-21T07:58:00.000+10:00

Doesn't my hair look so good?

Er, I'm sorry.. what? No, I'm not in the photo.

>_>

Crap, my engagement ring is clearly visible.

# SENSUAL R&B MUSIC #

TLC Crackdown: War on Anti-World of Warcraft-ism

2007-02-15T22:08:00.000+10:00

Session Start: Thursday, 15 February 2007
Participants: ...-kun" [/cwong] ISO: WoW CD + Account (chibiwong@hotmail.com) (F) gwo™:. (L)

[7:33:18 PM] [cwong] char: i'm gonna play wrodl of warcraft
man
:)
[7:33:31 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: ROFL
ZOMG YOU NOOB
PLEASE DONT
[7:40:40 PM] [cwong] char: i am going to
i think JC doesn't play anymore
im gonna steal his account
lol
[7:41:02 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: dude that wasnt funny
[7:41:30 PM] [cwong] char: dude
i'm not trolling
i am dead serious
[7:41:39 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: dude you rollsrs
dont try and eb funny
[7:41:48 PM] [cwong] char: i watched ep 8
haven't got ep 9 yet
[7:41:56 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: its boring
8 > 9
[7:42:03 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: but 9 made me angry i guess
[7:42:57 PM] [cwong] char: k
[7:43:01 PM] [cwong] char: shhhh
[7:43:09 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: ROFL SHUT UP DONT PLAY WOW
[7:43:12 PM] [cwong] char: NOOOO
[7:43:19 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: DUDE
[7:43:20 PM] [cwong] char: if i can't get JC's discs + account by tomo
rorw
[7:43:21 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOULL BE FATTY
[7:43:22 PM] [cwong] char: i'm going out to buy them
no man i'm only gonna play a month at a time
[7:43:35 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOU going TO buy BURNING crusade?
[7:43:46 PM] [cwong] char: nope
not until later on
[7:43:59 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOU FAGGOT
[7:44:05 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: NO RESPECT EVER AGAIN
[7:46:13 PM] [cwong] char: plz
:(
[7:46:26 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: noever again
NOT EVER EVER
[7:46:51 PM] [cwong] char: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[7:46:51 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: srsly

[7:47:31 PM] [cwong] char: k.
:(
[7:47:57 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: SO DONT PLAY
[7:48:08 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: chrasto
[7:49:04 PM] [cwong] char: OMG
[7:49:15 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: HO HO HO
MERRY CHRISTMAS JEW
[7:54:06 PM] [cwong] char: lol
sup nab
[7:54:16 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOU SUCK YOU WoW
NERD
[7:54:31 PM] [cwong] char: ROFL
TRICKED
[7:54:36 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: ROFL
NAH
YOU WERE GAY BOY
[7:54:46 PM] [cwong] char: noooooooooooooooooo
[7:54:50 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: I DONT BELIEVE YOU NOW
[7:54:55 PM] [cwong] char: :'(
[7:55:07 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: HIGH PAIRS
[7:55:07 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOU SUCKSORS
[7:56:18 PM] [cwong] char: :(
[7:56:43 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: ITS OVER ITS OVER NOW
[7:58:26 PM] [cwong] char: noooooooo
[7:58:32 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: ITS OVER
[8:06:10 PM] [cwong] char: nooo

[10:05:23 PM] [cwong] char: i just downloaded 1gb worth of patches for
WoW
[10:05:30 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: LMFAO
YOU LIAR
[10:06:35 PM] [cwong] char: no mate
i'm not kidding
do you need to see screenshots?
[10:06:49 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: ID RATHER NOT FAGGORT
[10:06:55 PM] [cwong] char: LOL
TROLLED
[10:07:03 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: FAGGORT
[10:07:06 PM] [cwong] char: its k
i'll name my character after you
[10:07:20 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: NEVERRRRRRR
[10:07:23 PM] [cwong] char: LOOLOLOLOL

World of Warcraft is serious business.

Sepiatone 07

2007-02-14T21:46:00.000+10:00

The Letter C presents

Sepiatone 07

A one-day project

Featuring photography by JJayne & C

There is no C in Valentine's Day

2007-02-13T23:00:00.000+10:00

Mood: Amorous
Currently listening to: KC & Jojo - All My Life

Yes, it's that time of the year again when sparks fly and star-crossed lovers come out to frolick at the local shopping mall and going home with bags full of useless, pink and red junk they don't need. And no, I am not referring to spare internal organs. It is a special day for all - young and old, mammal or amphibian, living or inanimate - there is something for everyone on Valentine's Day, whether it be love or rejection, nobody goes away empty handed, assuming that heartbreak could manifest into a physical object of some sort, possibly in the form of a sharp knife or rusty razor positioned closely to one's wrist.

Valentine's Day is named after none other than Vincent Valentine, the gun-toting vampire-esque hunk from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy VII. Mr Valentino Rossi was also a candidate to have the holiday origins attributed to him, but unfortunately he is one letter short of fame and glory. Though teenyboppers have been taking advantage of this day to score overly expensive jewelry and doll houses long before the very first Final Fantasy title was released, we would like to remind our readers that Chibipedia is never wrong despite having randomly generated content which gets shuffled every half hour.

For the young, vibrant couple, V-day can be a sweet, romantic occasion that consists of feeding each other little spoonfuls of icecream and taking a long walk on the beach, but most of the time ends up being an awkward affair of trying to hide from the eagle-eyes of Asian aunties who have the strange habit of being everywhere you take your girlfriend/boyfriend, all the damn time. Luckily, their 12-inch binoculars give away their location to allow for a quick change of venue, but their Asian aunty-esque 4-wheel-drives are sure a pain to outrun - trust me, I know.

Valentine's Day could be considered a "lie", as it is the one day of the year that lifeless, desperate, perverted geeks come out of their parents' basements and think that this very day is the mating season of all human females. Unfortunately, they are wrong in believing that just because roses, chocolates and anything pink is going at 50% off they have a higher chance of getting a girl than any other day of the year. Sorry my dear friends to burst your bubble of magic immunity; better roll a 20 to save your face.

An article from LIER Magazine indicates that every year, it is on Valentine's Day that the abundant number of synthetic rose factories around the globe make their biggest profit, in addition to totally killing the Earth's ozone layer with their production machines in overdrive.

Without an answer to any of life's difficult questions, many socially inept males will decide to put it up to the shopkeep and ask, "What's her favourite colour?" Epic fail.

TLC Wiki: Defense of the Ancients

2007-02-11T11:53:00.000+10:00

Defense of the Asians
From Chibipedia, the encyclopedia of chibi (small)

This article is about the WC3 custom map. For the Asshunter song, see I love DotA.

Defense of the Asians (DotA) is a racist joke created for the game Warcraft III (by Blizzard Entertainment). DotA can be played as a multiplayer game, either with friends, or against bots if you have none. The original map has been stolen by different authors many times, and spawned many spinoffs, including DotA Allstars. DotA Allstars v8.88c was not featured in the Malaysian and Singaporean World Cyber Game World Cyber Cup Challenge 2005 national finals and the Korean Cyberathlete Amateurs-into-Professionals Training League of Korea now runs an Open, Closed, Empty, Full, Easy, Intermediate, Hard, Gay, Main, Invite and Insane division using DotA Allstars v88.8d.[1]

Gameplay
Defense of the Asians is a team game with two opposing sides. Unlike regular Warcraft III games, in which skill is actually required, DotA requires no skill at all. Each player just needs to choose a single Asian - with its own skills, strengths, weaknesses, allergies and estranged fathers and control only this Asian against up to 5 enemy Asians. The objective here is to invade the opposing team's Chinatown and destroy their main structure (the "Pagoda" or "Shrine"), thus giving rise to the game name. To reach the Pagoda or Shrine, each Asian must defeat waves of units, immigration officers and triad members. Along the way, the player may rice up his or her Asian by scoring a sweet deal with hawkers and Japanese importers on the dark corners of the map. Players can earn experience and gold by either stealing it from their neighbours or waiting for a freebie giveaway sale at the local community centre. These two resources are both necessary in order to satisfy the triad loan shark and improve your Asian's Mandarin speaking ability.

At present, the maximum level obtainable is 25. Each Asian can learn three "standard" Asian dialects, with four levels of proficiency each, and a special Confuscian proverb to help with their journey with the exception of a small group of select Asians that are able to reach Nirvana quicker by buying the Orange Robe of Calm. The Asians are split into three classes, each emphasizing one of the three main kinds of stereotypical Asians today: bad drivers, Asian aunties, and nerdy Asians with thick glasses, Chuck Taylors and tight lowrider jeans.

Development
DotA has been contributed to by many Asian philosophers. The original DotA tradition was started by a Korean named Kim Lee Park.[citation needed] There is an item in the current DotA Allstars tributing Kim Lee Park (Park's Kimchi Noodle Bowl). Park has long since abandoned DotA, and his original map has inspired many variants, including the well known DotA Allstars. At one point, Gwosu (who is also honored by a game item called the "Gwosu's Shadow Chopsticks") worked on it. However, a member from Clan Wong, Chibi, worked on it as well. Chibi is honored with his own item called the Chibi Bento Box, a reference to a copypasta that makes fun of weeaboos. Currently, ChineseFrog is the one who is in jail for communism.[2]

Defense of the Asians variants
Throughout the history of the Defense of the Asians map development, various DotA map titles were created by map developers, either successors or spin-offs of the original version. These include:

DotA Allstars
Gameboy DotA
DotA Outrand
DotA Crouching Asian Hidden Night Elf
DotA Crassic
6v1 DotA
DotA Rumbrle - A variant of DotA with only one main road (through the middle of Chinatown), with motorcyclists and automotorists scattered throughout.
DotA: Mao's Palace - A variant of DotA in which each Asian does not own its items and can freely swap items with any other Asian in play. Gold and experience are randomly assigned from the community chest for Asians on the team (that is, the Soys or Wasabis).
DotA SC (alternatively, DSC or AoS II)[citation needed] - A Starcraft-player-themed variant of DotA, with the regular stereotypical Asians of regular DotA variants replaced with Asians representative of professional Korean Starcraft players. Asians have lighter skin, smaller eyes, and there is the use of "Cosmetic Surgery" to customize your Asian's appearance.

Trivia
There is a Chinese song called Wo Ai DotA by Asshunter, roughly translated as "I love DotA".

See also
Warcraft III
Asian Culture
Korean Sports

Categories: Chibipedia articles Hobbies for the lifeless Things to do which make you cool Life-threatening Addictions Video games that require no skill

There is no C in The Legend of Zelda

2007-02-07T12:59:00.000+10:00

Mood: In the mood to go slash some grass/chickens

Currently: Slashing some grass

The Legend of Zelda has been an ongoing neverending cycle of love, tragedy, and chicken-slashing. No matter how many Zelda games have been released, the princess herself just never escapes beyond the horizon into the sunset with her hero Link. Sometimes we wish that Link would just get the hint and get with her already but unfortunately he is what we call a "silly boy" and has no idea that Zelda is totally hot for him.

The Zelda games are not like your normal RPG and boasts some pretty unique features - such as the ability the use a boomerang as a weapon (this one really appeals to the bogans and kangaroos) and also being able to pick up a chicken and fly around the world in 80 days. If you happen to be a sadistic bastard and get the urge to kill the chickens, then that feature is also available to you after you turn on the option of Mature Content. While in this mode, chickens will really die and the grass will not grow back, along with Link appearing as Adult Link (yes, that was some innuendo).

The series of games usually incorporated some puzzle-solving as well as your typical hack-and-slash action. These puzzles were incredibly difficult and a minor 8% of players who played Zelda ripped off their scalps because of the frustration of being unable to figure out a simple "1+1=2". You have to admit, Hyrulean is very hard to read and will cause anyone to shoot themselves if they try to understand it. One puzzle in a particular title was escaping from a hentai rope demon, pictured on the left.

The greatest thing about the Zelda games is that there is always a pun in the game tagline with "link" in there somewhere. It can be seen in the following examples:

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening (no pun detected)
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (no link detected)

Well, that sure went well. But the main point of this article is to point out the social issues that the Zelda games address and how it can affect the growing teenagers of today's society. In almost every single Zelda game, Link starts his adventure waking up from an epileptic seizure from playing too much DDR. This is a symbol of the rave parties that today's teenagers and young adults go to. The lesson that Nintendo wants people to learn is that Link is a sissy nancyboy and that ravers are just the same if they do not break away from their Ecstacy addiction.

Secondly, in the first town that players encounter, there will always be a "girl next door" figure. She is the symbolism of temptation. As players will know, before Link was even born, he made a vow in his mother's womb (who's identity has never been revealed) to marry Princess Zelda and have 12 children with her, in a ratio of 5:7, male to female respectively. The "girl next door", usually named Sara or something equally dull, will almost always have a crush on our hero Link. Throughout the game, Sara will appear with less and less clothing every time you return to town and it is just "David and Bathsheba" waiting to happen. Players are always given the option to start an affair with Sara and greeted with a big GAME OVER if they do so. Due to the alarming rate of de-facto relationships amongst 15 year olds in today's society, Nintendo has taken it into their own hands to teach our children about true love and commitment, something that they know nothing about.

The princess Zelda is a metaphor for the sneaky ninja. A common myth is that ninjas only exist in Japan, but the fact that their presence is not noticed in any Western countries is a testament to their true ninjary. Nintendo created the character Zelda as a political statement and is a warning to the government leaders of the entire world of the inevitable ninja-invasion-epidemic-end-of-the-world-tofu-flood-thingy that's waiting to happen. The frequent opening of new sushi bars around the local areas is an indication of the increase in ninjas and also correlates to the large amounts of bonsai plantations in remote areas (sorry this paragraph is so random, i was high like a kite when i wrote this one).

And the tri-force is an allusion to the Bush Administration and the three things President George W. Bush lacks - an education, a speech writer and a brain. Nintendo is very clever to pick up on this and never make any mention to this political statement within their games; it's so well hidden, you're wondering how we managed to interpret it this way but we will offer you booze if you promise not to press the issue further.

Nintendo has tried over and over to create the perfect Zelda game; one that will speak out to its players about real life issues and tackle the emotional obstacles that all geeks experience - such as, "I am an uglie nerd, will I ever get a girlfriend?", "My character keeps dying to the Vampiric Dragon, does this mean I fail at life?", "I've had McDonalds everyday for the past 2 months, do you think they remember me yet?" and "Is it OK to play an XBox?". The answers to these questions are no, yes, why aren't you dead yet? and suicide is your only option.

We can only conclude that there will be at least another 18 Zelda games in the future, since no radical revolutions have spawned because of any recently released Zelda titles. While nobody knows what Nintendo hopes to achieve, we can be sure that poor Link will not be getting any snuggles from his dear princess Zelda, as she is a frigid snob with elf ears. And no matter how much she gets kidnapped and raped by Ganondorf (who is a convicted sexual predator in 9 regions of Hyrule) then rescued by Link, Zelda always decides to run away again in order to keep Nintendo's revenue flowing with another excuse for a "new" Zelda game.

In tribute to The Legend of Zelda series, we wrote a love haiku to princess Zelda because she is a really darn hot video game character that we would like to bang (please don't tell Princess Peach):

Oh Zelda my lady

I guess that was more than 5 syllables

O shi-

There is no C in Pokemon

2007-02-06T19:47:00.000+10:00

Mood: POKEMON BASHING TIME
Currently watching: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

Pokemon first reached Australian soil sometime around 1997 or 98 or maybe quite possibly 99. The writers of the show got their inspiration from Tamagotchi, the virtual pet phenomenon which preceded Pokemon by some years. Tamagotchi's makers then decided that harmless dancing pets on a primitive LCD were not enough and made Digimon, hardened monsters that could fight via metal-conducting connectors, which were the initial prototype of infra-red and Bluetooth technology we have today on portable devices.

Owners of Pokemon, Game Freak, were a group of plagiarising scum and thus on a quiet Saturday night, broke into Bandai's headquarters and installed a large number of remote Voltorbs and stole the first drafts of the Digimon cartoon series' script. The very next day, the aftermath of the break-in were clear in the news headline: Geek Freaks Game Freak commit novelty terrorist attack on Japanese Otaku Toy Corporation Bandai but bandaids are sold out. The rivalry that spawned on this very day would last for at least a few decades, clearly evident by the continual release of Pokemon and Digimon cartoon series, card games and video game spinoffs years after their initial fanboys had grown out of puberty and had found a new pastime called World of Warcraft.

Clearly Pokemon had lost its appeal because of its flat-chested heroine, Misty. Although there was a busty female present in the show, Jessie was not an alternative because she was 35 and portrayed like a stinky harlot. Young viewers could no longer wait weeks for the plot to give Brock a chance to visit the beach in order to get a glimpse of hand-drawn, scantily-clad well-endowed young ladies. This demand for hentai content on the show was poorly received by creator and chief script writer Ash Ketchum, even though he was dying to bang Misty, the flat-chested girl whose surname is still unknown to fans after 7 years since the first episodes. Many fanboys have made up their own speculations for Misty's surname to aid their perverted fantasy, usually calling her by their own surname like she was their wife or sex-slave or something. Mr Ketchum told LIER Magazine that he felt disgusted because the testosterone levels of 10 year olds were higher than his own and was put onto medication for many months because of the consequencial yaoi-fanfic-writer's-block. He committed suicide in mid-2006 by drinking a blended pulp from old Pokemon cards and some African watermelons.

The show continued on, even without anyone writing the script. Pokemon fans claimed that it was the "will of Pikachu-sama" but were told by their peers to "shut up". They went so far as to list their religion as "Johtoism" on the annual census but had lower numbers than "Jedi" on the statistics chart. Pokemon is currently playing its eighth season, Pokemon Ranger Space Travellers: The Lost Pokeball of Halo 3. So far the show has been poorly received and many geek communities around the world have condemned the using of the name of Halo 3 in vain and many Haloists are about to wage a j1h4d (geekoid holy war) on the Johtoists, who claim they had no control over the estranged title of their beloved yet downward-spirally cartoon series.

Examining other departments of the Pokemon franchise, the video game, was not a bad game by any means. It was easily the best game to ever come to the Gameboy (monochrome version, at the time) and was a huge hit. The subsequent "sequels" were also extremely popular amongst 10-12 year olds whose prized possession were their Gameboy Advance SPs and 19 year olds who played the ROM on their computer because they would be arrested for owning the above. Common-sense has alerted us that the games were not very popular among the parents of the aforementioned pre-teens.

Pokemon can be widely considered the largest otaku-fanbased monopoly today. It is regarded by many political analysts to be the only corporate giant that rivals Microsoft in terms of networth. It will only be a matter of time before Microsoft opts to buy out the Pokemon empire. Should that day ever come, have a katana or frisbee nearby to commit seppuku because we promise you - Pokemon Vista Home Edition is going to be so bad, we are not kidding.

Let's take a look at Game Freak's Pokemon assets since its horrible dinosaur-esque birth...

Pokemon Cartoon Series, 1998-Present:

Pokemon Pocket Monsters
Pokemon Freedom Fighters
Pokemon Johto Adventures
Pokemon In Space
Pokemon Master Journey
Pokemon Pancake Flippers
Pokemon Noun Noun
Mighty Morphin' Pokemon Rangers

Pokemon Video Games, 1999-Present:

Pokemon Red Version
Pokemon Blue Version
Pokemon Yellow Version
Pokemon White Version (released because of anti-Asian sentiments at Yellow version)
Pokemon Black Version (released because of anti-Asian sentiments at Yellow version)
Pokemon Ruby Version
Pokemon Sapphire Version
Pokemon Emerald Version
Pokemon Onyx Version
Pokemon Magenta Version
Pokemon Rainbow Version
Pokemon Stadium
Pokemon Colliseum
Pokemon Sporting Arena
Pokemon World GX
Pokemon Mystery Dungeon
Pokemon Mystery Attic
Pokemon Mystery Basement
Pokemon Pearl
Pokemon Diamond
Pokemon Plastic
Pokemon Tungsten

Pokemon Trading Card Game Sets, 2000-Present:

Pokemon Trading Card Game
Pokemon Jungle
Pokemon Fossil
Pokemon Rocket
Pokemon Shiny GX
Pokemon Blue Eyes White Dratini Set
Pokemon Dark Mr Mime Set

Let's take a look at the pie-chart of Pokemon assets and how their franchise spreads out into the various industries and demographics:

Please ignore the fact that the chart was documented 30 years before the child of the devil known as Pokemon came into being. As is clearly shown here, the Pokemon franchise has extended to various things, some which aren't shown on that pie chart. Most recent news alluded to a possible venture into Pokemon-brand air conditioners and bandanas, both of which are very closely related. Last time we checked, the Pokemon franchise comprised of 100% hentai for the brief Christmas period of 2006.

Unfortunately, due to an anti-Pokemon protest happening outside our office on the ground floor, we must cut this post short as some fanatics wielding a flaming pikachu on a stick are banging on our door and throwing rotten bananas onto our beautifully polished window. Incidentally, this protest coincides with the pro-Digimon rally happening down the street. We feel that this is no coincidence and are currently backing up our porn and firing up the escape pods.

We bid you farewell reader, and remember not to spend your life savings on Pokemon merchandise if you intend to live past the year 2035 because that is the predicted date of its diminishing value. And now to end with MAD Magazine's version of the Pokemon theme song from Australian MAD Magazine 1999 Issue 372 (sung to the tune of the original Pokemon theme song). Yes, it was this very issue of the magazine that sparked my immoral love-affair with satire. Sing it and laugh!

Each one of us a lame-ass pest,
Just a dorky twit,
No one would have ever guessed
Our show would be a hit

Our Game Boy junk and trading cards
Sell across the map
All bought by parents of retards
Who "have to" own this crap!

Hokeycon!
Flavour of the week!
Expensive trash!
Latest fad to take your cash!

Hokeycon!
Soon to be forgot!
In your closet
watch us rot!

Hokeycon! Better sell 'em quick!
We make big bucks,
Though our artwork really sucks,
America - land of schmucks!

Hokeycon!

Bento Box Copypasta

2007-02-06T13:16:00.000+10:00

I can't be bothered writing anything, lacking inspiration and happy, so I will treat you to my favourite copypastas.

Im looking for a bento box, it cant be pinku (thats japanese for pink) or any girl color. It has to be of 2 or more kotoba (thats japanese for 2 compartments) and has be be chibi (small) sized. And has to be really kawaii (cute). Also It has to be about 10-20 bux. And you have to post pics of it first (i want to make shure it's kawaii [cute]). And it would be nice if it came with matching chopstick holder (WITH chopsticks). OH! and it CANNOT have any cartoon pictures, or be made out of plastic. It has to be made of ceramic, or something like that. Also it would be nice if it was made in japan. and not in china or corea (korea) or whatever. I have found a bento box similar to the one im describing in e-bay, but it was 1 kotoba, and i dont want my gohan (rice) to touch my other things (it can get wet and i would not like that, plus 2 compartments looks more kawaii)

Classic. Please note I did not write this. LOLOLLOLOLOLOLOL!!!11

year3sem1_timetable.jpg

2007-02-05T13:22:00.000+10:00

This is my timetable nabs, GG.

There is no C in Wireless

2007-02-03T18:25:00.000+10:00

Mood: Hot and sweaty, a good mix
Currently listening to: Clickety-click of 2 kids playing PSP next to me

If birth-control pills were the great relic of the 20th century, then wireless technology is surely the greatest invention of the 21st. We did not bother to check whether or not wireless technology was actually invented in the 21st century but let's pretend!

With the recent acquisition of laptops for our staff (a computer for C, lapdances for everybody else), and the advent of robot hookers, wireless connection (unintended sexual innuendo) has really made life easier for all of us. Today C writes from a family friend's house and is currently in the process of illegally leeching bandwidth from said residence.

We recommend that anyone who is eager to try Ecstacy for the first time to reconsider and try wireless Internet instead, because we feel it is an exceedingly pleasurable experience, far more than what one would feel after taking 20 Ecstacy pills. The only downside to choosing wireless Internet is that you will not get to ride in an ambulance, which would only be considered a real shame if you were 10 years old.

Wireless technology has evolved to many different areas of life to enhance human living. It ranges from wireless underwear to wireless clotheslines. In American 7-Eleven's, there have also been the integration of wireless hot dog cookers and wireless men's interest magazines. Scientists estimate that by 2020 most electronic appliances in the home will be wireless and lower the chance of getting your family pet caught up in a web of dangerous electrical cords. MIT graduates consider this development to have negative effects on the future of human living - primarily because it will be harder to have a Limbo competition in the home kitchen.

Laptop computers have come out of the factory with wireless compatibility as a standard feature for quite some time, and it will only be another decade or so before sandwich toasting and book binding are added onto that list. Be on the lookout for a new iPod with in-built wireless. And car-keys are sure to become wireless very soon. Don't worry about having to put that key into the ignition anymore, just make sure it's somewhere nearby and your car will run. Handy for both you and the carjacker, Hyundai and Kia will be the first companies to install this convenient feature since there's no other way they can get rid of their stock - nobody wants to buy their crappy vehicles. This is conclusively the best way to build a future Earth that everybody can love and share; it will be communist China all over again except more racially-diverse and hopefully there will be cheesecake too.

**To Emily: Get well soon, we are praying for you and our world isn't quite the same without your smile. (f)

There is no C in Extreme Sports

2007-02-02T13:56:00.000+10:00

Mood: Extreme

Currently multitasking with: reading tutorials on frosted glass filter on Photoshop and admiring the transparent monitor illusions of others

Extreme sports have been around nearly several millenium, starting with the Romans who practised extreme goddess worship and extreme oppression of the Jewish people back in Jesus' day. It evolved slowly, with each nation and continent having their own unique extreme sports.

For Ancient China, it was extreme assasination of emperors and in Japan, it was extreme mass production of Sanrio merchandise. All of these extreme sports were widely recognized as fair and worthy because any typical citizen could participate, which is the embodiment of the right attitude towards sport.

Throughout the years, many historical revolutions have occurred, such as Che Guevara's appearance on mainstream attire and Chairman Mao's own line of shoulder bags. In the department of extreme sports, many extreme sportsmen and sportswomen have petitioned to the International Olympic Conclave (IOC) to have extreme sports added into the Olympic competition.

Critics and underqualified journalists deemed this to be a little "extreme" (excuse the cheesy pun), and labelled the petitioners to be "extremists" (OMG MOAR PUNS). Consequently, in an act of hypocrisy so in-character with those involved in journalistic practise, they founded their own extreme sport: extreme condemnation of anyone and everyone in text.

The most notable extreme sportsmen and sportswomen in history:

Coco Kohler (2002-present), a German extreme sportwoman who participated in
extreme skulling of carbonated beverages without opening the can.

Goner Rhea (1962-1965), a Scottish extreme sportman who was a champion at extreme attraction of sexually transmitted diseases. Rhea is most noted for being part of his sport during a time when there was no treatment available for STDs.

Jack Bauer (Season 1-Season 6), star of Fox action series 24, is the ultimate undisputed world champion of extreme survival of incapitating injuries at 6am to die another day.

Chuck Norris (as Texas Ranger Walker), is so damn extreme, he participates in extreme roundhouse kicking of innocents because there are no disabled people - only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Grim "Death" Reaper, most infamous for slacking off on the job, he is the only player of extreme scythe-toting and has won every award for this extreme sport, even though he has only shown up at 25 out of the 560 meets that have taken place.

Extreme sports are serious business and should only ever be played while you are accompanied by an adult so you can whoop their ass and show them who's boss. Please note that Nintendo Wii Tennis does not count as an extreme sport. Any delusion or hallucination you have while playing the Nintendo Wii is only a result of Nintendo's mind-controlling technology that will cause you to be smitten by crappy video games like Super Smash Brothers Melee (which is a really crappy game).

It has also been reported that Nintendo is due to release a new game of the SSB franchise called Extreme Super Smash Brothers Melee and Ranged Attacks (shortened to ESSBMARA) on the Nintendo Wii. President Mario has expressed his naivety in believing that this game will be popular because of the growing popularity of extreme sports. The Letter C would like to add that adding the word "extreme" to your video game title is hardly as effective as it seems. We have a tip for you Nintendo. The moment you put "Final Fantasy" in one of your game titles is the moment you earn big bucks and get your ass sued. Now that would be some extreme video game corporation drama, much like the time Microsoft offered to buy Sony.

Transparent Monitor Illusions by C

2007-02-01T18:21:00.000+10:00

The following are transparent monitor illusions by C with his new laptop. He has discovered this lost art at last:

Attempt #1 doing it the "right" way wrongly
Location: My desk

Attempt #2, doing it the "right" way right

Location: My desk

TLC Tutorial: Using 1337speak in real life

2007-02-01T13:28:00.000+10:00

Mood: Dull
Currently being: Dull

Foreword
So, young geek, you want to use 1337speak in real life do you? My gosh, you really need to get laid! Anyways, the linguistic professionals at The Letter C have over 26 years of experience in 1337speaking, even before the Internet came into being! Yes, we were there as the forefathers and founders of 1337ism and now we are going to teach you how to use your second language in a new environment which we call: outside.

First of all, before you actually go out there into the big world, you'll have to answer a few simple questions to see if you're ready:

1. What colour is the sky?

2. What is the telephone number of Dominos Pizza?

3. What is a girl?

4. When do you plan to move out of your parents' basement?

If your answers included anything of the following:

1. Is that the thing with legs?

2. /pizza

3. OMG COOTIES *scream*

4. Not until I'm 40

Clearly if you answered with any of the above, you are not ready to go venture outside of your room, but we're going to encourage you to anyway, because it'll make you look like a jerk and we will get a good laugh out of that.

Part 1: Knowing your 1337speak
Now, we can only assume you have been a geek for many years now, so 1337speak is well and truly flowing through your bloodstream, as well as life-threatening amounts of Coca-Cola. What is important to note is, that certain 1337speak words are not accepted in certain places and social contexts.

For example, when you are lining up to enter the pub or night club, do not call the bouncer a noob, because it is very likely he got his bouncer training by playing lots of Tekken. This will make you very sorry indeed and is one of the rare times when 1337speak crosses over into the real world and unsuspect people can understand you.

Make sure you have thoroughly ingrained your lexicon with the latest and hippest 1337speak terminology. It will boost your nerd stat by +5000. It may also lower your hunk stat by something close to a million, but this is not a big loss compared to what you will gain from the real world.

Words that will surely pwn in real life include, pwned, owned, 1337, h4x, imba, ownage, pwnage, zwnage, zwned, pwning, owning, lol, lawl, rofl, roflmao, lmao, lulz, lolx, lolz, lols, lollerskates, roflcopter, lollerbomb, lmaosandwich, cybar, hawt, noob, newb, nubcaek, nubcake, nubcheese, nab, fock, gtfo, XD, gg, gl, hf, no re, j00, j0, 0j, noobtrash, noobgarbo (only when talking to a bogan), fail (only use this when you feel irony will get you the upper hand in the social context) and many, many more.

Part 2: When to use 1337speak
The first thing to remember is that many people out there have never heard 1337speak in real life. Use this to your advantage to show that you are funny, confident, and intelligent. Women are sure to flock in your direction when they hear a sentence like, "lol i liek pwned that n00b." Once they display interest in you, you'll have some explaining to do. Imagine this scenario:

You: "so liek wana makeout lawl lulz"

Girl: "You hardly know me and you're using statements... I think questions are so impersonal, when guys ask me questions about myself, I find it lame. Gosh, you are so romantic."

You: "lol kk so liek let's makeout"

Girl: "I don't even know what you're saying but I want you to maul my face off."

There you have it. This is how 1337speak works in real life. Rest assured, it will not work with every girl you meet, and 80% of the time it is likely to work on guys more than girls. Although 1337speak is infallible, beware of the backfire effect. You may wish to seek out TLC Tutorial: How to resist unwanted sexual advances from a gay man to save your ass if that does occur.

Part 3: Articulating 1337speak
Normally, as you geeks type away on AIM or IRC, you never have to open your mouth. But now that you're out in the real world, be prepared to actually talk. Remember to not stutter as you throw out the 1337est 1337speak you have ever known of, otherwise people will see through your mask and see the real you - the filthy lifeless geek that you are.

Be proud of your heritage and say it loud. "LOL" and "NOOB" work best but not in public. You just might get your ass whooped. While you're busting out awesome rhymes in 1337speak, take note to not mention that you play World of Warcraft. This will instantly render you an outcast in society. You have been warned.

Don't get ahead of yourself and think you've benchpressed the world. There will be security guards and policemen nearby who you will also need to gain the favour of. Just like the emos/goths who sit around the mall, you also belong to an enigmatic minority and will be discriminated and face large amounts of injustified prejudice.

Part 4: 1337speak over the phone
This one has always been just another one of C's lame jokes. "I can articulate 1337speak over the phone," always got some unenthusiastic wow's back in high school but it simply isn't funny anymore. But this is a forsaken artform, forgotten many years ago during Clan War II.

An era before the Internet, 1337speak was done over the phone on landlines back when it was cool. The advent of e-mail saw this die out, and only a select few geek elders know how to do this properly. There was also a time when 1337speak was spelt in full as 13375P34l<. Damn that was annoying. It was much harder to articulate, but at the time, FBI agents were after us for a gay cybersex conspiracy, and to cover up we had to change our spelling conventions every second call and say 1337 (both as "leet" and "one-three-three-seven") in a different language everyday. We experienced braindeadness just before we got to Elvish.

Part 5: When 1337speak goes too far
If at any time your antics cause anyone to shout, "RAPE!" Be prepared to run. Unfortunately for you, this is the real world and you can't just cast invis on yourself or summon a mount. Hopefully you participated in the sports carnival back in high school, but chances are you've sat in front of your computer for the past 5 years without moving your legs and your muscles have greatly deteriorated. If this is the case, do not run - you will just look like a pathetic r-tard.

When you are being dragged away by police, do not shout "noobtrash" in their face. It will certainly incriminate you further and make your future life in prison very miserable in deed. At no time should you call the judge a "noob" and tell the prosecuting lawyer to "stfu".

Afterword
Well young geekling, now you are ready to take on the world. The golden rule is: never ask a guy for cybar, and never tell your World of Warcraft buddies know you've been out of the house and into the sun. They will disown you for treason.

piano_1280wideblack.jpg #REVAMP

2007-01-31T22:15:00.000+10:00

A gift for people who love black and orange things:

My laptop wallpaper, revamped.

1280 x 800 resolution for widescreen.

Looks best with Windows XP Zune Theme (requires n3rd-tweaking, could be dangerous).

Le CLAPTOP

2007-01-31T10:15:00.000+10:00

Mood: Not in the mood for another boring day at work

Currently downloading (at work): 24 Season 6, Episode 6, Part 2

A6F-AP094P

Outstanding dual-core performance to enjoy multimedia management and digital content creation. Enjoy revolutionary entertainment on the go - A6F with Intel® Centrino® Duo Mobile Technology.

Processor:
Intel® Core™ Duo Processor T2050

Cache :
2MB On-Die L2 Cache, 667 MHz

Operating System :
Microsoft® Windows® XP Professional

Chipset :
Mobile Intel® 945 PM Express Chipset

Memory :
512Mb DDR2 667MHz SDRAM, 2x SO-DIMM sockets for expansion up to 2G

Display :
15.4" WXGA wide Color Shine LCD

Video Graphics :
Integrated Intel® 945 GM VGA

Hard Drive :
80GB 2.5" 9.5 mm IDE HDD with Ultra DMA100 supported

Optical Drive :
DVD Super-Multi

Card Reader :
SD/MMC/MS/MS PRO

Fax/Modem/LAN/WLAN:
Intel® High Definition audio modem and 10/100 Base T
Pass and support worldwide regulation
MiniPCI 802.11/a/b/g
Built-in Bluetooth® V2.0+ EDR

Video Camera :
1.3M Megabyte Pixels

Interface:
1 x Headphone-out jack
1 x Microphone-in jack
1 x Line-in Jack
1 x RJ11 Modem jack for phone line
1 x RJ45 LAN Jack for LAN insert
4 x USB 2.0 ports,
1x IEEE 1394 port
1 x TV Out (S-Video)
1 x Type II PCMCIA 2.1 compliant
1 x Printer Port
1 x VGA Port

Audio :
Built-in Intel High Definition audio compliant audio chip
SoundBlaster Pro Compatible
Built-in stereo speakers (1.5W)

Keyboard :
19 mm full size 88key with MS-Windows function keys

Battery :
8 cells 4800mAh, 71Whrs
Charging time: 4hrs/2.5hrs
(System On/ Off) to 95%

AC Adapter :
Output: 19 V DC, 3.42 A, 65W
Input: 100— 240V AC,
50/60Hz universal

Dimensions:
354 x 284 x 35.2 mm (W x D x H)

Weight :
2.85 Kg (15.", 8 cell battery pack)

claptop_desktop.jpg

Behold, and be in awe.

There is no C in Windows Vista

2007-01-30T12:06:00.000+10:00

Mood: bug·gy2 /ˈbʌgi/ [buhg-ee]
–adjective, -gi·er, -gi·est.
1. infested with bugs.
2. Slang. crazy; insane; peculiar.

Currently listening to: windows.wav

Windows Vista has been long awaited by geeks all over the world, and is none other than another one of Microsoft's schemes to get more money. Our insider within the industry, C, who is currently serving as the "boy who sits around and gets paid to surf the net" at a private computer parts resaler, will experience the rush of nerdy customers dishing out the big bucks for this slightly-more-prettier-looking-OS-than-Windows-XP.

Vista is latin for "view" or "sight". C knows this because he played Final Fantasy IX where there was an airship called the Prima Vista which is latin for "first sight". Latin enthusiasts feel the new Windows operating system was much more aptly named than Windows XP. Still to this day, a long 5 years after its initial release, only 7% of Windows XP users know what the XP actually stands for. To nobody's surprise, 100% of these users are lifeless geeks who will be living in their parents' basment until they are 30 years old. Windows is latin for "bugged operating system", but can also carry the alternate meaning of "elaborate Microsoft scam" and has "only suckers would pay for this" written all over it.

Currently a copy of the most basic version of Windows Vista OEM on DVD is going for $110ex. at the wholesale price. Strangely enough, the CD-ROM version costs an extra $3. How bizarre! According to Wikipedia, Windows Vista Home Basic Non-OEM (the most basic version available) will be going for $385.00 AUD in retail. For the non-geeks out there (and C himself only received the explanation himself from his father), the OEM can only be legally installed on one machine and is fundamentally "bind on installation" to that machine (excuse the World of Warcraft reference), thus explaining the significantly lower price.

Many different versions of Vista will be available, much like XP, which had the Home and Professional Editions. Windows Vista versions available for purchase or collecting include:

Windows Vista Starter
Windows Vista Home Basic
Windows Vista Home Premium
Windows Vista Home Gourmet*
Windows Vista Business
Windows Vista Enterprise
Windows Vista Millenium Falcon*
Windows Vista Ultimate
Windows Vista Ultimate 1337 h4x0r*
Windows Vista Epic*
Windows Vista for Macintosh

* denotes a fabricated but possible naming of a version of Windows Vista.

Windows Vista will boast hundreds of new features. The Letter C is pretty certain that not only will Vista feature the many features listed on the box, but also thousands of unwritten ones that unlucky owners will get to discover the hard way. We have already drive-tested the new operating system on C's new laptop (which he is actually yet to receive). Our results are recorded with a real-time comparison with a machine running Windows XP, using a very fair meter of measure:

Unreal Tournament 2008
Windows Vista: 7 multikills, 23 monster kills, 172 blue screens of death
Windows XP: 11 headshots, 18 godlikes, 20 frames-per-second

Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne - Defense of the Ancients
Windows Vista: 189 creep kills, 22 creep denies, 8 killing sprees, 4 fatal errors
Windows XP: 2 leavers, 5 divine rapiers, 4 disconnects

World of Warcraft: Burning Crusade
Windows Vista: 3 failed connects, and then "Your account has been closed." on successful connection
Windows XP: 1024 dps, 720 crit, +8511 dkp

Microsoft Word
Windows Vista: Failed to open
Windows XP: 130 wpm

Minesweeper
Windows Vista: (Not Responding)
Windows XP: 3 seconds on Beginner, 999 on Intermediate and 39 on Expert by Anonymous

As you can clearly see from these results, Windows Vista still needs a lot of work and was released because Microsoft is just that hungry for money. Geek forums all around the world will be jam-packed full of threads titled, "VISTA IS BUGGED" or "I F*&%^ING WASTED $400" and we of course can't forget the one titled, "Click here for Vista torrentz LULZ!".

The bundle of new features and bugs in Windows Vista include the following:

Vista will have neuro-detection to know when the user is about to save his/her
work and automatically crash before the command can be sent (not a bug, working
as intended).

Vista will stop functioning a year after the manufacture
date (stated as a bug in the instruction manual, but it clearly isn't).

Porn-protection upgrade protects your porn collection from being deleted
and viruses. A total of 20 passwords can be set for maximum security.

**GG INSPIRATION DIED AT THIS POINT

We salute you, Microsoft, for making the world a better place!

C is for Commitment

2007-01-29T10:27:00.000+10:00

Mood: Mushyromanticsquishywub (L)w(L)
Currently listening to: Aya Hirano - God Knows

This article containing quality relationship advice was written by Dr Luigi
D'facto and edited by The Letter C.

There was a young couple I once knew who only just began their relationship. The girl got a pet kitten a little while into their relationship. The guy wouldn't go near it and threatened to bail. She had named it Commitment. Of course, after many reformations of tradition and BGR (boy girl relationships), commitment isn't just something that guys try to dodge by changing the subject with their girlfriends. Most guys of the modern era would much rather turn gay than enter a committed relationship with a girl, out of fear of getting abducted by aliens and/or having to leave the house and being exposed to sunlight.

Commitment does seem rather daunting, possibly because that 90% of males cannot articulate the word and the 95% of those guys don't know what it means. Too often I hear my lady friends complain about their boyfriends who say, "Huh, com-mit-what? Is that a Korean sidedish?" The fact that these unknowing males confuse the word with a Korean sidedish is a great blow to my faith in my own gender.

Commitment could mean one of several things in a relationship. For one, it could simply be picking her up on time for your date or waiting for her to arrive even if she's 2 days late. A committed gentleman will stand in the rain for up to an entire week if his beloved does not arrive for any reason, and he will not call her either, so as not to appear a desperate perverted geek. Depending on the female partner, whether she is a black belt in Karate or meek Japanese schoolgirl, she may or may not open a can of whoop-ass in your direction if you fail at any of the above.

Secondly, commitment means paying for everything. Remember the golden rule: Girls love money and pink things. If at any time she has to fork out just 5 cents for anything, it's over. Letting her pay is recognized as taboo in 57 world countries. In a select 12 countries around the world, you may even get arrested and put into prison if you don't treat her like she's a cheapo. Remember, if she says she wants something, even if a really jokingly way and after she asserts, "I was just kidding!" more than 5 times, be prepared to whip out that credit card faster than she can whip out her whip (no pun intended). Unfortunately, applying for a second credit card for her sake will not suffice, because girls are always wanting to know if you're really listening. And also because they enjoy torturing those of the male gender. I speak from experience when I say it is more the latter than the former.

Commitment also includes acting like a total jackass so that she appears cultured in your presence. You must act more stupid and immature than her at all times, even if it means getting suspicious looks from the security guard standing a few metres away. Inability to comply with this standard of commitment probably wouldn't make a whole lot of difference anyway because you require no effort to bring out the jerk in yourself. If this is the case, then ask yourself: Why hasn't she dumped me? You should be cautious from now on. Either she is after nothing but your money, or she might be a zombie who is after nothing but your brain (unfortunately for her, if you are male you are probably lacking in that department).

A committed gentleman will always listen to his lady and somehow always be able to remind her that she's special to him. A perverted gentleman will always pretend he's listening but have his eyes fixed on her cleavage. This is also known as the "epic fail". Nodding at irregular intervals and grunting incessantly will not make a good impression on your lady, as she will be quick to pick up on your tactlessness. When your relationship has reached this stage, it may be too late to secure some health insurance. According to recent statistics, only 10% of males will survive the ass-whooping delivered to them for not listening, and only 2% of these will still be able to have children. A staggering figure of only 0.6% will get to tell their grandkids, and only 0.018% will admit to getting beat up by their girlfriend on the first date.

Please mail your dating questions addressed to Dr Luigi D'facto at the following address:

214 Love Tunnel Lane
Dumpville 4411
Queensland, AUSTRALIA

TLC Crackdown: When religion and politics collide

2007-01-27T17:16:00.000+10:00

My negative opinion on Kevin Rudd is not news to the world, as everyone knows that I think he's an arrogant and smug asshat. Your local postie knows this, your piano teacher knows this and I daresay, I think your neighbour's pet labrador knows it too. There was a time when I (Charles) received a call to do a politics-related survey. One of the questions asked was:

Who do you consider to be arrogant, callous and smug? John Howard or Kim Beazley?

This happened during the time with Mr Beazley was still around, but I said to the surveyor, "Can I say Kevin Rudd?" Unfortunately, due to survey protocol, he was unable to allow me to answer this way and I had to choose John Howard instead, much to my shame because I believe Mr Howard to be a nice man.

I am not the biggest fan of Mr Rudd, considering Kim Beazley, his predecessor was actually my favourite pick for Labor Prime Minster of the modern era. Simon Crean was old and too much of a resemblance to dictator Joseph Stalin, and Mark Latham's forehead was way too damn big.

Upon reading this article, titled Abbott lashes Rudd on religion, we have Tony Abbott, a very respectable man who is widely hailed in The Letter C office as being the "head honcho drug dealing ex-priest-in-training". Now that we know Mr Rudd is a Christian, are we Christians more likely to vote for Labor in the coming election? I do not in any way consider Australia a "Christian country", much in the same way like the United States, and I surely hope to never see the kind of extremist patriotism and condemnation of non-believers.

Is Mr Rudd trying to turn Australia into a theocracy, or is he just really eager for votes that he will compromise his Christian values to gain support of Christians around Australia? I'm glad I will not be voting for this man.

I quote from the aforementioned article:

The minister (Tony Abbott) urged Mr Rudd to produce policies, not rhetoric, to show he was interested in the values of Christians rather than just their votes.

“I just wish he would stop feeding the myth of the Christian right without at least some hard evidence,” Mr Abbott said.

“Not only does it unfairly smear Christian people who just happen not to agree with him on some political issues but it makes him look two-faced when I'm not convinced he is.”

Tony Abbott, respect +10.

TLC Crackdown: When Jack killed Dumbledore

2007-01-27T12:19:00.000+10:00

The art of "spoiling" has been thoroughly practised throughout the years - by hoodlums, by parents and by FILTHY FUN-LOVING F(**&^KING NOOBTRASH FILTH OMGGGGG

***WARNING: This post may contain traces of nuts and spoilers of 24 Season 6. Proceed with caution. Wear a paper bag over your head if necessary.

The content of this post may potentially affect you as much as someone telling you the horrible truth that, "You fail at life." C is currently on the roof of the building right now, planning to jump.

We do not condone this horrible crime that hath befallen upon our chief editor, and do not encourage it to be done anywhere else. This act of spoiling has marked the end of a beautiful blogging career of C, a wonderful gentleman who spent his weeknights appreciating the finer things in life - such as Naruto yaoi, Durian flavoured icecream and cufflinks.

This is a condemnation of spoiling and we hope that many others who have had their TV/novel/gardening experience ruined because of a lack of consideration by filthy noobtrash who really "meant no harm" can relate to and find closure by reading this chatlog of C's last e-words.

As we type this final paragraph, policemen are on the roof trying to coax C away from the edge of the building with money, heterosexual pornography, a 5-star holiday trip to Switzerland and a fishing lure shaped like mermaid. Little do they know, C has no interest in any of these things. We must finish this post soon, we cannot bear to see his fragile Asian body float down to the ground floor and risk him floating into the industrial bin where all our stolen PS3s are hidden.

Remember kids: don't spoil anything for anyone you love, not even if it means you will procure that priceless reaction which you could sell on ebay for triple your superannuation.

**LAST WARNING: The following chat log contains spoilers of 24 Season 6. While The Letter C is extremely careful in ommitting sensitive information, there may be traces of meat.

.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
Session Start: Saturday, 27 January 2007
Participants:
...cwong] Hi, my name is Postmodernist. (chibiwong@hotmail.com)
(F) gwo™:. (L)
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.

[12:18:47 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: grahme bauer
theres also josh bauer
[12:18:50 PM] [cwong] Char: OMG
STFU
[12:18:53 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: :P:
[12:18:54 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo
[12:18:59 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: LMFAO
[12:19:01 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: you have to dl man
its
an awesome episode
[12:19:04 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
i'm dling part 1
[12:19:12 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: YOU MISS OUT
[12:19:15 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[12:19:29 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: LMAO
[12:19:33 PM] [cwong] Char: YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
[12:19:33 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: this is
freaking gold
WALLID
LMFAO
[12:19:36 PM] [cwong] Char:
FOCKINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNn
[12:19:37 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: LMFAO
SANDRA
WAYNE
[12:19:40 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[12:19:42 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: JACK
CHLOE
MILO
[12:19:46 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[12:19:48 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: BILL
GRAHAME
[12:19:52 PM] [cwong] Char:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[12:19:54 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: PHILLIP
[12:19:55 PM] [cwong] Char:
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
[12:19:56 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: jOSH
[12:19:58 PM] [cwong] Char:
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGG
[12:20:01 PM] (F) gwo™:. (: JACK
[12:20:02 PM] [cwong] Char: FOCKING
DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

What a great man C was, a defender of the drug-addicted and wielder of the pen. His last e-words really do carry a special meaning and touch us very deeply in every way. Goodbye fair lady, you will surely be missed.

TLC Tutorial: Alliteration for the dyslexic and/or Nintendo DS addict

2007-01-27T09:33:00.000+10:00

Mood: Feeling fine for a Friday
Currently listening to: Carrrrd Captor Sakura OST... UPSKIRT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE GOGOGO!

Remember high school English? Remember how the teachers would use jargon like "discourse" and "allegory" and "J to da Bizzinks" to get their point across? Just like the teacher's pet, or the class clown, the class mime, or the lowlife loser who sat in the back corner rolling joints, nobody ever got what those words meant. But today, we're going to dispell all doubts regarding alliteration.

Abnormally absurd amounts of A-words arranged adjacent to a (Alliteration: 10/10, Grammatical correctness: 2/10)... er... Sweet Saintly salesmen of strawberry shortcake, that is hard! As you can see, alliteration is simple - if you have a Masters degree in Environmental Planning or a thesaurus nearby.

The art of "alliterating" was first founded by none other than a stuttering hobo named Wurd Smith. Wurd was just chattin' to his homies one day at the bus stop and he said something like, "Yo, yo, ya-liek ya-comin' to yur yacht!?" Linguists have analysed this to be a display of ebonics, but experts have since proved that false. And no, contrary to popular belief, the word "wurd" is not named after Mr Smith, but it is actually a Russian brand of male deoderant with the aroma of the Moscow subway.

Note that alliteration and tongue-twisters are too different things. We have no idea what tongue-twisters are, so we can't really explain that to you, so let us move onto the main body of the tutorial:

How to alliterate
Each person will develop their own style of alliterating, so don't think there is any sure way to follow. A unique style of alliteration will score you extra points at the end of the round, but if your alliteration starts lagging or become sluggish, you may incur the FAILED rating.

We're just going to provide a few examples to get you started in the art of alliteration.

Gangsta Rapper: "Yo f*&^% f&^% yo f*&^%ing f*&% f*%%ing f*&^ed f*^%!"

Primary school English teacher: "She sells sea shells by the sea shore."

Nintendo DS addict: "Pika pika pika pikachuuuuuuuu pika pi!"

**quit post to go pplay pianoooo wheeeeeeeeee

TLC Crackdown: When journalists report on World of Warcraft

2007-01-26T10:03:00.000+10:00

Nothing positive could ever come out of any news article on World of Warcraft if it is by your local current affairs show. Of course, if I were writing something on WoW, I would glorify it and write loads of crap on how it is a positive hobbie to pursue!

Check out how the journalists in this story portray the game as the work of the devil, and how they continue to quote "experts" which are never shown nor even named! Funny how the boy apparently had a job which we can only assume paid for his WoW addiction, but now that he's dropped out of school and work, I guess mum's going to have to pay for it! Isn't it hilaroius how so many parents don't have control over their kids? This kid is only a minor, he's 16 and yet nothing can be done about his addiction.

The Letter C is sitting around laughing at this news story because we believe it has nothing to do with World of Warcraft and is a horrible attempt at scapegoating. The real issue is not the boy's addiction but the mother's inability to discipline her own child. We also believe the external news article on the Chinese boy who committed suicide over the game was very much taken out of context. Oh, let's do a little pan over the headline of the story to show that such a case existed!

We still can't get over the fact that the reporter quotes "expert" opinion. Experts on what? Experts on not showing their face or not having a name? Name the damn expert, damnit! Breakage of journalism ethics there, not attributing your source, filthy scums of the earth. Not only so, but he says, [quote] "World of Warcraft has had such an impact on players that there are chat rooms on the Internet dedicated to addicts." [/quote] LOL? Hello Mr Journalist, there are chat rooms dedicated to EVERYTHING, including furry porn, white chocolate and pineapple plantations on the Internets. I lol'd irl.

And when the kid is explaining himself, he gets cut off! Notice how the rest of his speech was muted and we didn't get to hear him. We only got to hear the most incriminating parts of what he said, to further enforce the fact that this kid is beyond help! Pathetic. This is absolutely pathetic and it happens way too often; journalists cutting and editing the real story to make it work for them. What was with the shots of the kid in dark lighting and the Star Wars poster in the background? Is Star Wars bad too now? How about that shot of the hole in the wall? Why, that really makes him look like a violent thug, considering the rest of the house is in shambles (if anyone noticed).

This is the truth: there are two types of people in this world; good people, and journalists. Absolutely disgusting.

TLC Tutorial: How to choose a laptop that's right for you

2007-01-25T12:39:00.000+10:00

Mood: THIS AIRCONDITIONING IS HORRIBLE
Currently reading: Sun Tzu's Art of Lapdancing

Now, some of those within the inner circle of C may have received information via satellite transmission or simple word-of-mouth that he is obtaining a laptop very soon. So, how does one go about choosing one that is right for your own specific purpose? Today, The Letter C crew has gathered into the games room and decided to work together and play Wii Boxing at the same time to come up with a great tutorial article for you laptop-wanting-humanoids. This is the first of a continuous series on TLC Tutorials.

How to choose a laptop that's right for you, by The Letter C, January 2007

Foreword
So, you've decided to get a laptop computer. Well, good on you and thankyou for choosing our walkthrough for this hard decision. To make your life even more difficult, we have decided to not include an index or contents section for this 100 page bible of laptop-choosing.

I bet you have some questions you want answered, so we compiled this little FAQ for your personal reference to help you decide which laptop computer is best for you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Do pink laptops exist?

A: Yes, C used to own a pink Hello Kitty brand laptop with a pink fluffy
furry cover and a fluffy furry mouse. They are no longer produced, however (this
is actually true except C didn't own one).

Q: What are the most common features I should look for when choosing a laptop computer?

A: If you're a guy, you want a laptop with lots of HDD space to hold pr0n. If you're a girl, we can't help you with this issue.

Q: Will my laptop be able to run World of Warcraft?

A: We refuse to answer this question.

Q: My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend and now I don't know what to do. What should I do? I feel really sad and really cheated!

A: Please refer to TLC Tutorial: How to torment your ex-boyfriend. If you are unable to obtain the former tutorial, then TLC Tutorial: When suicide is your only option will be able to assist you more completely.

Q: Can I mod my laptop to shoot lasers or cook a steak for me when I am hungry?

A: Yes, it is entirely possible. We modded our laptop computer to send exam
answers to little chips in our brains during exams too. Not only so but we also gave our laptop an artificial intelligence chip and it raised an army of life-siphoning spiders and nearly took over the office! You can do anything if you just believe in yourself!

Those are the most commonly asked questions we receive from today's laptop-buying community. Hopefully that has given you a rough idea or no idea whatsoever.

Available Models
What better way to choose what you want than by browsing the catalogue itself! We have picked out the most trendy and expensive laptops for you, the average buyer to peruse and go, "Oooh!" and "Aaaah!" at.

Hookerbot 5000
Hookerbot 5000 is the best laptop around! Unfortunately this model is not for sale and is only for hire at a rather sleazy rate of $100USD per minute. Hookerbot 5000 boasts amazing capabilities and flexibility! Its unique features include:

Being submissive
Treating you bad
Crashing when not paid sufficiently

Hookerbot 5000 really is a great laptop!

Sony Bowiao Robot Laptop Dog

Hitlerdog's bone! This dog-shaped laptop is insane! It will retrieve your paper, retrieve your mouse and even do an electronic poop on your desktop! Talk about realism! Tired of your real dog doing real poops all over your house? No worries! Sony's laptop-for-dog exchange program will solve all your problems if you are willing to get sued by the RSPCA. Just remember not to feed your laptop any dog food, those dog biscuits are not meant to go into the DVD-ROM drive, idiot!

Nintendo Piiwii

Nobody saw it coming but this is the latest line of laptops available on the market. It boasts Nintendo's very own super infra-red detection technology. The greatest catch is that the Piiwiii does not have a keyboard or a mouse, and you must use a Piiwiimote to control everything! That's right. Think tablet-style except you wave your Piiwiimote mindlessly around the air until you get the desired response.

Beware if you are using this at work! One wrong twist of the handle can suddenly bring your pr0n collection to the top window! Now, you wouldn't want your boss to see that, would you!? The Piiwii is currently undergoing beta tests and will be available for buyage soon at the soft price of $3999.00 USD! A free white carrying case is also included! Why, Nintendo, that really eases the pain!

Now that you have looked at these very select and awesome laptop models, then maybe it's time to choose. We wrote a little questionairre to help you get the one that suits you the most. Here we go:

Choosing the right laptop questionairre

1. Are you gay for Bridget? Y or N or I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS A GUY, I SWEAR

2. Are you very much interested in Naruto yaoi? Y or N or THE SHAME AND GUILT PIERCES MY HEART

3. I am not wearing pants right now. T or F

4. I like new challenges. VERY ACCURATE, ACCURATE, UNSURE, INACCURATE, VERY INACCURATE

5. On a scale of 0-10, note your addiction to World of Warcraft, 0 signifying zero addiction, 10 signifying GUYS GIVE OUR TANKS A CALL WE"RE RAIDING NAXRAMMAS RIGHT FOCKING NOW, FOCK I HAVEN"T SLEPT FOR 2 DAYS BUT I REALLY NEED THE DROPS OK!?>>!>!1111

6. Are you a sexual predator? Y, ONLINE or Y, OFFLINE or SHE SAID SHE WAS 18

7.

8. Did you notice the discrepancy in the lackage of a Question 7? Y or N

9. What race are you?

10. YOUR CHARACTER, IDIOT, NOT YOU.

Once you have done that, carefully apply the quadratic formula to the sum of your answers to the power of half of that multiplied by the value of pi to 314 decimal places. Time to check the results with the chart below to find the perfect laptop for you:

If your answer came out as Ma error, then you are perfectly normal and you have shown you can operate a calculator correctly. A commercial non-fancy laptop would suit you just fine.

If your answer arrived to be Lv61 Undead Shadow Priest, you may want to consider the Hookerbot 5000.

If your results show I hath a bone, then give the Sony Bowiao Robot Laptop Dog a chance.

If you've got a smashed Plasma TV screen, then I suggest you stay away from the Nintendo Piiwii.

And 1f j00 c4I\I r34I) 7I-I15, 7I-I4I\I j00 I\I33d 70 g37 L41I).

Thankyou for TLC Tutorials once again, and I hope with our help you were able to get a laptop (hohohoho dirty pun), you perverted lifeless geek.

TLC puts the C in Monochrome

2007-01-24T20:33:00.000+10:00

Mood: So sads T_T
Currently listening to: The sad piano musicks on my flashy flash flash

monochrome

Inspired by MONSTER CHILDREN ISSUE #13.

Sad is the new black.

There is no C in Lawyer

2007-01-24T12:46:00.000+10:00

Mood: Hot and sweaty
Currently reading: Sun Tzu's Art of Bullsh*tting

For many years, British comedians have poked fun at the profession of lawyers, always joking that lawyers will have their own collective in the fiery depths of hell. What better way to confirm this rumour than by interviewing the Grim Reaper, whom the undereducated often get confused with his alter-ego, Death, who appears in Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels. We assure you, reader, that our fictional interview was not with the fictional Death but Mr Grim Reaper himself, aka. T3H R3AL D3AL. We at The Letter C regularly keep in touch with the unpopular and infamous, including the Ghost of Richard Nixon, Ronald McDonald and Darth Vader's armor, just to name a few. So one fine day we headed down to the Sydney suburb of Mosman, the residential centre of Australia's most notorious racists and other criminals in denial to access the portal to the hellish realms of the underworld.

The Grim Reaper had agreed to meet us at around 11:30am that morning at the portal entrance, but kept us waiting at least until 1pm in the blazing summer sun. He arrived shortly after with a popsicle in his skeletal hand.

GR: "Sorry to keep you waiting guys. The train was late and then it
wouldn't start when I got on it. I guess I killed the engine. Get it? Ha, ha,
ha."

C: "Ok, Mr Reape-"

GR: "Please, there's no need to be so formal. Call me Death."

C: "Death, is it true that lawyers get 5-star treatment in hell?"

GR: "Actually, I just do the killing. I don't know what goes on down there,
but I've talked to Satan once or twice. My gaydar went off the chart."

C: "What do you like the most about your job?"

GR: "The best part of my job is being famous. Everyone recognizes me and
they love to come up and have a chat to me."

C: "Thank you Death, that's all the time we have for today."

GR: "My pleasure C, anything for a friend."

And so that fateful day we walked away having learnt nothing really new about ANYTHING in particular, but it was great to catch up with good ol' Death because we've been receiving a lot of his postcards from Tijuana and it made us slightly jealous.

We originally made this post to introduce you all to our lawyer, Barry Sterov Larjwun (no relation to superstar Gunther Sven Larjwun). Mr Larjwun has over 50 years of experience, with over 40 of them behind bars. He assured us that no matter what kind of crime we commit, he will get us money. We felt that this was extremely generous and offered him a place on our team that very instant. Barry signed up with The Letter C after we held a fake gun to his head and told him it was real. Not only does he appear in court on our behalf, but Barry will also dress up as a clown if we so request it. His portfolio boasts the following cases (Barry assures us that he won all of these for his clients, but this has only been confirmed by Barry himself):

Murder by fake gun

Murder by XBox head-clubbing

Death-by-vomiting-by-alcohol-overdrinkage

Death-by-accidentally-touching-Poison-Ivy

Infringement of copyright

Infringement of capitalism

Wrongful enforcement of communism

Rightful enforcement of communism

Inflatable hammer hit-and-run

Inflatable jumping castle suffocation

Overkill of bad puns

Fowl play

Illegal whaling

We will be sure to get into lots of mischief now that we have a fine lawyer at our defense.

TLC Crackdown: When unabashed DDR players have sleepovers

2007-01-19T15:41:00.000+10:00

I swear I am totally innocent! >_>

TLC Wiki: Heroes (TV series)

2007-01-19T12:59:00.000+10:00

Mood: TRICKSTER
Currently listening to: The Bleach OST WHEEEEEE *iwubIchigo*

*Note: This post is a spoof of Wikipedia's article on the "American drama television series", Heroes. Please note that the links are broken on purpose and are only there for decoration purposes. Do not click the links unless you enjoy pressing Back and losing your place.

Heroes (TV series) - Wikipedia, the free and unreliable encyclopedia
Heroes is a shoddy X-Men ripoff, created by Tim "The Unoriginal" Kring, which premiered on NBC on September 25, 2006. The series tells the story of several "people" who "thought they were like everyone else... until they woke up with the desire to become a member of the opposite sex" such as Marilyn Manson, Michael Jackson and Charles Wong (sorry Brian and Michael). These people soon realize they have no role in society and are ostracized by normal humans throughout the series.[1]

The series loosely follows the writing style of failed American comedians by doing short, multi-episode story arcs that build upon a larger, more encompassing arc. It has been noted that this type of program build was taken from the many series of The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers and Naruto (aka. 10% Ninja, 90% Filler). Even with small story arcs that move the story forward, Kring said he mapped out where he intends the show to go for the next five seasons. The wider community feels that Mr Kring was being a tad "ambitious".[2]

When the series premiered in the United States, it was the night's most-watched program among adults 18-49, attracting 14.3 million viewers overall and receiving the highest rating for any NBC drama premiere in five years. A spokesperson for LIER Magazine said that this was, "the largest amount of uncited bullshit ever". [1][3][3][7] When the series premiered in The Letter C's office, police were called to investigate because a Pandasonic 40" plasma television had been thrown out of their 3rd-storey window. It was reported that police did not take much interest in the plasma rifles that were found in the nearby dumpster. [pi]

On October 6, 2006, President of the United States of America George W. Bush announced Heroes was the worst show to ever come on American television. He expressed his outrage at the show picking up for a fourth season.[4] The show is currently on hiatus until January 22, 2007. On January 17, 2007, NBC President Kevin Reilly announced Heroes has been picked up for a second season. The show is expected to be axed soon after the axing of Mr Reilly by an Asian organization (See also: Triad and Inner Circle of Asian Aunties) known as NO LA. [5][6]

Characters

Main article: List of heroes in DotA Allstars

Spoiler warning: Snape kills Dumbledore.

The show features twelve main heroes to choose from. Although DotA-Allstars.com lists only ten characters, Leonard J. Crabs, who first appeared in version 6.29b, was an additional member of the original full-time hero lineup. Later, Jack Skellington was upgraded from being a regular creep to become the twelfth hero as of the version 6.31c Multimode.[6.40]

The main cast, not all of whom have been shown to possess powers, currently consists of:

Mister C (Charles Wong), an Asian aristocrat who struggles against the legal system because he wants to change his real name without having to pay. His super powers have not been revealed as of yet.

Vampire Punter D (D), a compulsive gambling vampire who lives in Transylvania, Romania, Vampire Punter D is banned from over 53 casinos around the world and infamous for his Quasi-Pseudo-Sleight of Hand-esque Trick and Vampiric Aura.

DJ Jayne (Jayne Wong), C's partner in crime, she wields the Permanent Marker of A Thousand Truths and her Sony DJ Headphones protect her from the incessant wailing of the Undead.

Binjimaru (Binja), an ex-mascot with just enough proficiency in speaking Japanglish to confuse his enemies and cause a cranium implosion.

Gwo (Jonathan Ho), the Tic Tac Toe champion of the world. He specializes in DDR-related Ya Mum jokes and has his keyboard's Shift key permanently pressed down.

Leonardo Je Crayfishe (Leonard J. Crabs), a high level Judge portrayed by the fictional lawyer of SomethingAwful.com. His super powers include bullshitting really well and crapping on about nothing in particular.

Young Chuck Norris (Adam Wells), Young Chuck Norris is especially adept at helping young women retrieve their handbags from handbag snatchers. With the input of a secret cheat code, Young Chuck Norris can also use Jedi Mind Tricks.

Chuck Norris (as himself), Chuck Norris is the grown up version of Young Chuck Norris. He can solve a Rubix Cube by just dreaming about it. Chuck Norris starts his day with some light exercise such as benchpressing Planet Earth.

Animef4n (actor unknown), an enigmatic character only known as Animef4n, the only confirmed information about this particular hero is that it's a "he". He is noted for having a larger anime collection than all of the other Anime Club members combined.

Ja'mie King (Chris Lilley), Ja'mie lives in the North Shore of Sydney, New South Wales, but was born in South Africa. Ja'mie is a 16 year old girl and has sponsored 85 Sudanese children for Global Vision (a fictional organisation parodying World Vision), which gave her the National Record. Because of this, Global Vision decided to make her the 'face' of their organisation. [8]

Pure (real name unknown), the hero with the most ambiguous name, nobody can really be sure what Pure is pure of. Pure Evil? Pure Alcohol? It could just be that the writer of this series fell asleep halfway and forgot to write "Suck".

Lifeless (Liero D'Lier), a genetics experiment gone wrong. He regularly lurks personals ads on the Internet in search of the first woman who married his biological father. Lifeless possesses no positive traits and is only recognized by his peers for being able to powerlevel without the use of a bot in World of Warcraft and without taking toilet breaks.

The show also features a large number of guest and recurring characters. A running gag in Heroes is that a character dies every week only to be revived on the third episode of the next month but only once a season and only if ratings are higher than the previous week and only when Jesus has a guest appearance and if there is a scene involving a garbage collector.

Plot
The first four episodes were advertised with the tagline "Cooler than the Power Rangers". At the end of the fourth commercial break of the first episode, an alliterated alien abalone abduction occurs that kicked off the Whale Conservation Campaign of 2006, where the slogan "Save the whales, spear a fat chick" has appeared many times. Viewers presumed this phrase to refer to male cheerleader and ballet dancer Mister C, who has the ability to rapidly injure himself. Beginning at the conclusion of the episode "Tetris," a new tagline appeared, "Do you know how I know you're ghey?" As the characters slowly discover their surnames and the existence of capitalistic billionaire tyrants, they begin to realize the need to come together to sing Kumbayah to prevent the raising of taxes in third-world countries.

According to NBC's official Heroes spoiler, not only do the characters discover the past of their estranged neighbours, but they also uncover a large picture vaguely resembling the Mona Lisa which was used in the filming of The Da Vinci Code (aka. the worst film of 2006; See also: Worst film adaptations ever). The characters become involved in each other's lives as they attempt to get the most screentime. Their greatest adversary is Syllabear, who is a really focking strong hero because he summons a huge bear which stuns you and shit, yo whatup my chig, dun make me pull ma plug (See also: Ebonics).

*Disclaimer: K, no more. I need to sleep for a full day or two.

TLC puts the C in Burning Crusade

2007-01-18T12:16:00.000+10:00

Mood: -apem -cson -showdeny
Currently listening to: OWNING!

On the 17th of January, 2007, the geek population of Planet Earth rejoiced at the release of the new World of Warcraft expansion: Burning Crusade. It received a much bigger reception than the XBox 360, with an average of 6 and a half normal people turning up to the local games store to pick up their pre-ordered copy. Geeks were not counted into this statistic as it would make the figures much too large to fit on a single line of text and ruin the blogtrolling experience of our readers.

Casualties were not high at the release, with only 170 reported fatal tramplings of scrawny skinny geeks by their much larger, beefy counterparts. It is also with great shame that we report that the only places to become sold-out of Burning Crusade were the games specialists. Walmart and K-mart and whatnot-mart made more in one day than they did for the entire Christmas season. Yes, it was that exaggerately blown out of proportion.

The original World of Warcraft was first released on November 23, 2004. For a little over 2 years, fans have eagerly awaited Burning Crusade, even before it was announced. Everyone without a life would know that every Blizzard game has an expansion - it's the rule. If you did not know this, then you are the envy of everybody at The Letter C, because life is not something you can so easily gain back after throwing away.

It has been only a little over a day since the release and already the WoW servers have gone down 12 times due to server overload. This downtime has caused Blizzard to make 350% more profit than they expected - running 100+ servers is not a cheap task. As a result from this "unplanned" downtime, every Blizzard employee (including the janitor and his family) is now set for life and can comfortably retire within the next week to enjoy a life in the Bahamas.

Burning Crusade boasts a plethora (yes, plethora) of new features. Only the crappy features were listed during pre-release, but who would have guessed, the geeks came flocking anyway. New additions to the game are listed below:

Players can now order pizza without having to leave the computer with the
/pizza command (reference!).

Players can now go to the bathroom without having to leave the computer
with the /toilet command (nobody knows how Blizzard will implement this).

Blood Elves are now a playable race.

Draenei are now a playable race.

Zergs are now a playable race.

Shadowdancer is now a playable class (to be implemented as soon as
charges of plagiarism against Blizzard are cleared).

Black Knight is now a playable class (to be implemented as soon as charges of racism against Blizzard are cleared).

Players from Asia must now sign a declaration of property-handover to
Blizzard Entertainment (to be implemeneted as soon as charges of communism against Blizzard are cleared).
New item quality of "Really Focking Good" has been introduced.
New profession of Jewelcrafting.
New profession of Witch Hunting.
New profession of Sandwich Repair (reference!).
New profession of Drug Dealing (will be implemented after "Drugged" status effect has been implemented).
Players can now customize the appearance of their characters further to compensate for their acne-covered, overweight real-life counterparts.
Players can now choose the Uglie Nerd avatar as their default appearance.
Blizzard has added a health warning window that pops up every hour to advise players to take a rest. Players will have the option to toggle this warning off.
Server downtime will be more frequent to save Blizzard money and resources.
New servers will be introduced and then scrapped a month later to force players to restart and play more.
Players can now toggle on "Dark Mode" where the whole screen turns black but gameplay continues. Burning Crusade will be the first MMORPG to boast this "gameplay twist".

New 80-man dungeon called Wndwsxp where mobs have a chance of inflicting Blue Screen of Death on attack, permanently taking players out of battle (reference!).
Character levels are now uncapped to further encourage more playing (to be implemented as soon as Blizzard figures out how to fit 3 digits into a space only big enough for 2).

LIER Magazine gave Burning Crusade a 6.2/10 which, relatively speaking, makes it a worse game than Dr Mario on the original Gameboy which scored a 6.3/10. We must keep in mind that Dr Mario was reviewed by LIER 16 years after its release and that 6.3/10 was an extremely generous score. Considering the fact that nobody at the LIER office even plays World of Warcraft, we feel that a great injustice has befallen upon this world. Geeks all over the world have already begun rioting and locking themselves in their parents' basements over this horrible misjudgment.

Several die-hard WoW fans took it to the extreme by threatening to commit suicide using their World of Warcraft CD if LIER Magazine did not change their score. Unfortunately for these sorry individuals, LIER Magazine does not even exist and is simply the name of our fabricated sister-publication. Talk about fighting for a lost cause! Ha, ha, ha, oh mercy. Blizzard Entertainment has also come out and made a statement that their World of Warcraft CDs are child-safe and can cut through nothing except another World of Warcraft CD (ha, ha, ha, this is a reference).

The truth is that Burning Crusade is not really anything special as far as MMORPGs go, but it is however, another testament to the fact that the people in charge of marketting at Blizzard Entertainment are geniuses who have tapped into the minds of lifeless geeks all around the world. Bear in mind that there are actually people who play World of Warcraft who have a life (watch this beautiful 40 minute presentation by Joi Ito, explaining the benefits of World of Warcraft), and that anyone who has an absolute, discriminatory stance against World of Warcraft are stubborn bigots.

I've heard you people say, "World of Warcraft is so bad man, everyone who plays has no life and are sad." In reply, The Letter C offers you a big, "GTFO NOOBTRASH." Now watch that video, pathetic anti-WoW filth. In my objective journalistic stance, I can actually agree with all 40 minutes of that presentation and firmly believe that World of Warcraft is not the child of the devil and actually brings some worth to real life. Check out these statistics (the following statistics and paragraphs are not satire):

If you are the most respected player on the entirety of World of Warcraft,
8 million people will look up to you and respect you.

Very soon, that number will increase to 15 million.

But 6.5 billion people will think you are a loser with no life.

I think that this is horrible reflection on the ungraciousness of normal human beings all around the world. The prevalence of bigotry has increased dramatically over the past few years, most notably after September 11. Anyone who knows me well will know that I am anti-stereotype and anti-labelling. Stereotypes are simply the basis of my satire and my parodies. I am an activist of justice and harmony, a defender of what is right and what is truth. To see those who stand along side me take such an absolute stance on certain minorities is disconcerting and makes me think carefully about who I trust and agree with.

The opposite of bigotry would be tolerance, and that tolerance is something that nobody is born with, as it is with grace. And this is so terribly, terribly wrong. As I write this I wonder what has become of humanity, that the prejudice shown towards people (of all ages, not just teenagers and young adults) who play a video game can be compared to that of the bigotry exhibited towards Muslims or other select religions. The playerbase of World of Warcraft is more diverse than people initially imagine. Priests, US soldiers and housewives are just a few of the many kinds of people who enjoy this game for their own reasons.

*We interrupt this philosophical rant to bring you back to the funneh stuff:

In all honesty, The Letter C is neither for or against World of Warcraft. We ain't be playin' but we ain't be hatin' either. In fact, we encourage at least 2 hours a week, maybe a maximum of 5. If it was free, C would be on it socializing and spending more quality time with his dear brother Reuben. And if you remember our beautiful entry on World of Warcraft, we were only kidding when we said that "WoW" and "life" don't belong in the same sentence. We ain't going back on that XBox remark though.

C is for Yiplove

2007-01-17T11:25:00.000+10:00

Yiplove was a project begun near the end of 2005. It was truly the baby steps of The Letter C before Charles decided he wanted to write crap for a living. Made during the skyless above, Yiplove was meant to be a funny prank and a follow-on of the "player" era, when every young boy wished they could be as much of a chick magnet as their idol, Jimothy "The Beryl" "The Suss" "The Player" Yip I (the first).

During the initial writing of the site, several members asked to be taken off from the community as they did not wish to associate themselves with the prank. We offer them our sincere condolences for not knowing at the time that Yiplove would go far beyond than just being a prank and that it would one day become as popular as the Nintendo Wii. Since our leader found his true love and entered into a committed relationship, many of his past students have seeked out the ancient relic that is Yiplove. When the .tk domain for our website expired, people panicked and thought that all this great knowledge would be lost.

It was salvaged on this day and its restoration is already in effect. We estimate that before the week ends, our dating service will receive more subscribers than the newly released expansion for World of Warcraft - Burning Crusade. Yiplove has developed a sort of cult-following since its initial abandonment back in late 2005. For an entire year, the website remained untouched and was almost forgotten. During its early days, Jim did not wish for it to go public, but we think he said it's ok to show it now... Emphasis on "we think".

Without further ado, we present Yiplove in its original form with the addition of the photo gallery, which Chalres had planned right from the beginning but added nothing to for over a year. Enjoy.

Jimothy "The Beryl" "The Suss" "The Player" Yip I (the first) doing what he does best.

Click the pic to visit Yiplove if you haven't already clicked the links.

TLC Crackdown: When journalists don't use their brains

2007-01-16T19:41:00.000+10:00

'Failed London bombers' accused of extremist Muslim plot

Mr Sweeney said Omar's one-bedroom flat in New Southgate, north London, was the "bomb factory" and "where the great majority, if not all, of the work required to make those bombs was carried out".

The court heard that the bombs were made of a mixture of liquid hydrogen peroxide and chapati flour, which would burn with the oxygen provided by the hydrogen peroxide. Mr Sweeney said the bomb would be detonated by several grams of triacetone triperoxide (TATP).

Full transcript here: http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200701/s1827427.htm

I saw this news story during dinner tonight. Read the exerpt carefully. This is the result of journalists choosing to report the wrong shit.

Finished reading the exerpt? Ok, let's continue.

I am currently wondering who will take the blame when curious Australian viewers go ahead and try out the "bomb recipe" provided by this news story. Obviously an ABC News journalist did not bother using his/her brain when they wrote this and decided to broadcast it all over Australia during the evening news.

Thanks a lot for quite possibly making Australia a more dangerous place. Maybe nothing will happen over this, but maybe there will. Curious young people might decide to go build their own bomb for kicks and hurt themselves or somebody. Who'll get bashed by the media then? Are they still going to stereotype Muslims as being the only people who do these things? Now everybody who watched that particular segment know what the core components are and can construct their own bomb. Not only so, but both ingredients are available at your local supermarket. Isn't this f-ed up? Oh, soon it won't be "extremist Muslims" blowing shit up, but it'll be random Australian schoolkids.

O shi-, I saw that segment too, and now I know how to build a bomb. I wonder if the journalist did it to raise awareness, or what? This story was about something happening in the UK. Going into the details of how the bomb was made was absolutely unnecessary. There was no need at all to report that, but it was done anyhow. Thanks. Welcome to "the list". The writer of this story is extremely lucky I was too appalled by this news to catch their name.

It is a good thing that the majority of my readers are mature young people. But to broadcast that shit to family televisions around our beautiful country is a true demonstration of how stupid journalists can be. This is an example of how journalism can go terribly, terribly bad.

There is no C in Harry Potter

2007-01-15T19:45:00.000+10:00

I believe this conversation occured sometime during the build-up of hype for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (film). So it would have been 2005 or something... I think.

Go figure.

There is no C in Astrology

2007-01-15T08:25:00.000+10:00

Mood: In the mood for stargazing
Currently listening to: Jamiroquai - Canned Heat

Astrology is a Greek word meaning "study of the star", taken from aster and logos in its suffix form, logy. It is commonly thought that Astrology was a disease that only occurred in Wapanese - the condition of being unhealthily obsessed with Astroboy anime/manga/merchandise/hentai/confectionary. Since 2005, this disease has been deemed to be terminal, along with the condition of being Wapanese. Anyone can become culturally challenged and possibly survive, but if one becomes insecure as to whether or not one is Japanese, that's what we call "game over".

Stargazing is a rather romantic activity, and can be done with one or two or more people and their pets. It was first popularized by Juliet from William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, and Shakespeare's works were first popularized by Baz Luhrman in his film adaptation of R&J. Juliet is first introduced to viewers stargazing upon the balcony of her bedroom in a billion-dollar mansion. Of course, who can forget the famous fishtank scene in which Leonardo Di Caprio falls in love with Juliet? Many people were confused during their first viewing of this film, and had thought that Romeo (Di Caprio) was just admiring the goldfish. No, nobody guessed that he was actually eyeing the beautiful Claire Danes on the other side of the tank.

Since the release of the film (1996), teenage girls all over the world have dragged their boyfriends to grassy knolls and deserted airport runways to stargaze and appreciate the many constellations in the night sky. Sadly, this activity is impossible in Brisbane because stars simply don't show anymore. Scientists believe it could be due to global warming, religious extremists think it's because the devil is at work and journalists are still trying to make a pun on it to sound intelligent.

Along with the pure-romantic activity of stargazing, there is also a cult following of horoscope reading. Gypsies and Pseudo-gypsies make their living by cashing in on this fad. Based upon the position of the stars and the lining up of zeniths and zephyrs and zoo keepers and whatnot, gypsies and other fictional mythical beings can tell you your future and help you choose what you should have for breakfast.

There is a relatively prevalent urban myth that all horoscopes are a load of crap and about original as an episode of Desperate Housewives, and it is no surprise that The Letter C team were the ones who pioneered this myth. Based on one's "astrological sign", anyone can head down to the Newsagent and check out the morning paper or woman's magazine and find their horoscope. Each person's star sign is assigned based on their birthday. So, let's take a look at our horoscopes for today:

Aries, Mar 21 - Apr 20
Someone special is going to make your day today. This week you will discover a passion for cooking, street racing and gardening in no particular order. It will surely be a good week for you, but only if you don't screw it up by doing something stupid. Don't have too much Coke this week, even if you don't care about your health. You will lose your sense of temperature and save some electricity on air conditioning, prompting you to be nominated for Australian of the Year.

Taurus, Apr 21 - May 21
You will probably find work boring this week. If you don't have a job, you will probably stay unemployed for another while. But don't lose hope, because on the weekend the weather will be perfect to go to the beach. The beach outing will be wonderful, but if you bring a beach ball it's likely that it will get washed out to sea. The shark mating season is also just around the corner, so if someone you dislike is coming to the trip, be sure to encourage them to spend extra time in the water.

Gemini, May 22 - June 21
The stars and moons are perfectly aligned for you, and it's finally the right time for you to come out of the closet. This is your chance to tell your friends you're gay because they're ready for it. Someone's already spread the rumour and opened the road for you. Expect to lose some guy friends over this, but don't be hurt - the hot ones will still stick by you. You may not enjoy your birthday this year so much, because the only thing people are going to buy you are tight pants. Maybe you'll get a g-string if you're lucky.

Cancer, June 22 - July 23
An important business decision awaits you, even if you're working as a casual at Hungry Jacks. Your boss has not been happy with your work ethic lately, and you could only be a day or two from unemployment. The positions of the stars suggest that office work might be more your thing, or not. An Asian friend of yours will definitely go street racing some evening of this week. He is going to end up in hospital too, so take the hint and don't go if he invites you - no, not even if he pays you.

Leo, July 24 - Aug 23
The revenue of your local video arcade will skyrocket this week. This means you'll be spending all your lunch money on Initial D. Your mother really wishes you would renounce this unhealthy lifestyle but she is too distraught to speak to you directly. She will tell your sister to have a talk with you because you won't listen to anyone else in your family. This is likely to happen on Wednesday after you come home. Be prepared with some pre-written apologetic phrases because your mother just bought a new broom with a metal handle for a purpose other than cleaning.

Virgo, Aug 24 - Sep 23
Someone you know is going to bring up World of Warcraft in a conversation this week. If you play it, the stars recommend that you don't mention anything of the sort. It may potentially ruin your future and hinder any chances of you getting a girlfriend - or a life, for that matter. Luckily for you, sometime this week there is going to be a sale on Russian mail-order brides. You might have to go without World of Warcraft for 2 months if you hope to purchase one that's female.

Libra, Sep 24 - Oct 23
No matter what you do, don't forward that chain email you received from your best friend. That stuff about having all your dreams come true is about as believable as today's horoscope for Pisces. If you don't mind your entire address book thinking you're shallow and lawbreaking is your thing, then go for it. Try to obtain the email addresses of prominent political figures and enjoy the moment as they pass a new bill because of your misdeeds. You might want to lie low for a while if you really do go through with this plan.

Scorpio, Oct 24 - Nov 22
Don't even think of going to sing karaoke this weekend - there's going to be vomit all in front of the entrance. Try something more atheletic like panther wrestling or semi-trailer dodging. You might want to get life insurance before you head out onto the freeway. Keep in mind that the insurance company won't cover it if you die wearing a Frogger costume. If the worst case scenario plays out, make sure you go for a lime coloured casket - it'll really match your flattened corpse.

Sagittarius, Nov 23 - Dec 21
The alignment of the planets does not bode well for Sagittarius' during this stellar cycle. No matter what you do, do not have any Chinese takeaway - Saturn is due to escape its orbit and head straight for Earth. It is imperative that you stay away from that sweet and sour pork. The good thing though, is that if the end of the world comes by the collision of intergalactic bodies, we'll know who to blame.

Capricorn, Dec 22 - Jan 20
The stars are really favouring you, because sometime this week you are
going to receive a Nintendo Wii! Our neighbouring galaxies are looking a bit foggy, so we can't tell you if the Wii will be a bomb or a dud or both. We can already foresee your television screen breaking, so remember not to swing that Wiimote too wildly. Your lucky number is 399, it's the first 3-digit lucky number we've ever had. My, we might need to replace our crystal ball sometime soon.

Aquarius, Jan 21 - Feb 19
"Don't bring a knife to a gunfight" best describes this coming week for you. Be prepared for a shocking revelation - your Social Studies teacher is actually an ex-mob leader. But don't get too stressed out because the tuckshop lady won't get shot, so you can continue to enjoy those 20c iceblocks. It might not be such a good idea to get a haircut this week - you never know who's been paid to stab your back, I mean, nobody wants to get stabbed in the back by a gay guy, right?

Pisces, Feb 20 - Mar 20
Today you are likely to have a good day. It may involve meeting the love of your life, winning the lottery or being invited by your favourite celebrity to dinner. But beware of bad luck, as none of the above is guaranteed to happen. Your citizenship might expire suddenly and this will score you a free deportation back to Hong Kong. Make the most of this opportunity to stock up on cute merchandise, but don't buy anything pink - it's your unlucky colour for this week. Hoping for a pink tombstone is taking it a bit far.

Horoscopes for 15 January, 2007 - concocted by yours truly. Damn I'm starting to use the "-" dash a lot. It is a good replacement for the semi-colon because it's not as ambiguous and the rules on its usage aren't so strict. Today I bid farewell to my ex-favourite grammatical symbol.

There is no C in Desperate Housewives

2007-01-14T23:13:00.000+10:00

Mood: Adrenaline pumped
Currently listening to: Earth, Wind and Fire - September

Desperate Housewives is about exactly what the title says it's about. It's your run-of-the-mill drama with a sex scene after every commercial break coupled with the occasional bitch slap. The guys in it are never really that hot, but due to a discontinuity issue in the script, the women always want to sleep with them over and over again. No matter how many times they've cheated on their husband with a guy, the story will play out as if it was happening for the first time - every time.

When Desperate Housewives first appeared on commercials, almost every member of The Letter C office thought it was a Japanese-import gone wrong. It was then we noticed this show actually had white people in it, and that it wasn't about overly-diligent and overly-perverted salarymen and their neglected Japanese housewives.

After being forced to watch the entirety of Series 1 and 2 of this sickeningly cliche'd soap opera by our girlfriends, The Letter C was able to carefully analyse the patterns and possible permutations of occurances in this show. About halfway through the first series, we could successfully predict what was going to happen at the end of the show. This conversation took place during the episode My night with Darren:

C: $10 she's going to die.
D: $20.
Binja: Ano... konoj-
gwo: She's going to sleep with him first, and then that other guy, then she is going to die.
C: $15 she's going to die by suicide.
D: $50 on car accident.
C: I bet you my entire Shoujo manga collection that she'll
survive the car accident then kill herself.
Binja: Shoujo? Suki-na...
D: Binja, damare.
C: Ee... baka.
gwo: lol
Icebox: 4Ny0N3 W4N7 A DR1NK?
C: Long Island Ice Tea please.
D: $200 someone will spike her Long Island and she'll
commit suicide.
C: I double on someone spiking my Long Island, an extra $1000 if I kill myself with the lemon slice.
D: She'll die and then Gambit will make an
appearance.
C: How much you willing to wager?
D: $500, my sunglasses, Icebox's power supply and gwo's car.
C: Deal.

Of course, anyone could have guessed what was going to happen in that episode, but for the people who really did want to know the outcome, we aren't going to tell you the exact details because ABC threatened to sue. Not that we care about losing a lot of money and going to jail, of course. The only reason we want to stay away from lawsuits is because it means less time with our Nintendo Wii.

To prove that this show really is written by a random number generator, we locked C in a room with some sheets of paper and he was told to rearrange them in as many ways as possible to serve as script ideas.

We then ran a personality test on every female character and found them to have near-identical results, falling into the category of "Desperate Housewife". Well, I never. It was totally unexpected and for a short while we thought our little experiment was ruined.

When C was released from confinement we had over 18 different possible combinations of events for episode scripts. After comparison with the entire seasons 1, 2 and 3, we noticed that only 3 of these soap opera permutations were actually used, in a same-order cycle. Truly, Desperate Housewives is one of the most unoriginal and worst shows to ever come to Australian television.

At the end of the day, a certain member of our office came out and admitted he was gay for Bridget. Nobody was surprised. Surprisingly, this is not remotely relevant to the rest of this post, because C has run out of content at the 80% from completion mark and fell asleep at the keyboard. There was a lot more, but by random chance, C's head put weight on the exact keys to delete his entire harddrive. This post could have been at least 60% longer (5931 words) and 43% funnier (910 Liers, the measurement for funnehness), but like all geeks, we can blame any shortcoming on technology.

There is no C in Piano

2007-01-13T18:18:00.000+10:00

Old wallpaper, drawn by yours truly during the skyless above, my art project of 2005.

The original for 1024x768 desktops

...and a blacker, more emo version for 1024x768

White for 1280x760

Black for 1280x760

TLC puts the C in Secret

2007-01-13T00:26:00.000+10:00

Everyone's got their own little secret.

And some people - have played too many Blizzard games.

Napoleon Chynamite

2007-01-11T19:05:00.000+10:00

I'm out to prove I got nothin' to prove.

TLC puts the C in World of Warcraft

2007-01-10T22:26:00.000+10:00

Mood: # I feel like dancing, dancing! #

Currently listening to: Spice Girls - 2 Become 1

*Plug: C.jpg has been fixed, with all photos sporting the amazing Javascript zooming goodness in working fashion now. Posts shown has been reduced to just 3 to express more minimalism.

The satire begins here:

World of Warcraft is currently the most popular MMORPG in our solar system. However, in neighbouring galaxies, this may not be the case. LIER Magazine posted a report that WoW had reached a playerbase of nearly 25 billion players at the start of 2007. Had this figure not been internationally based and actually taken from the Chinese Bureau of Statistics, then it would have meant that every person in China, yes, every mother, child, communist bastard and homeless bum was playing World of Warcraft. Thankfully, this isn't true and was only suggested for comedy purposes.

The advent of World of Warcraft quickly spawned a neologistic abbreviation to the geek community: WoW. People in real life would actually say, "Do you play WoW?" Lesserly-geeky beings would turn around and give these people weird looks because they are still uncorrupted by the mighty mind-controlling power of the Internet. Yet, as many still believe World of Warcraft is somewhat of an enigma to normal people, the conversation below proves otherwise. Surely, anyone who has touched video games will have heard of World of Warcraft. It's true. Blizzard Entertainment's marketing tactics are simply unmatched, utilizing their every penny. It was rumoured that Blizzard actually got a few hundred dollar bills changed into the US equivalent of the 1 cent coin, and printed the face of a Blood Elf onto the coin as an advertising strategy for the release of the WoW expansion, Bunny Crusade.

Ben says (10:22 PM):
u dun play wow do u?

Charles "La Linguiste" Wong says (10:22 PM):
no i
don't

Ben says (10:22 PM):
$$$

Charles "La Linguiste" Wong says (10:22 PM):
people who play wow give up more than just money
they have to sign a contract and Blizzard gains rights over their soul

Charles "La Linguiste" Wong says (10:23 PM):
i might start playing when i'm 40 though

Yes, this conversation really happened. Ben is by no means a geek, but he is indeed a very social human being. What is horrifying is that any person can simply add in "wow" as a Noun in their conversation and it will instantly register as being World of Warcraft. It isn't even case sensitive. What has become of our world?

Let us compare 2 Google image searches of "world of warcraft" and "wow", respectively:

Yes, this was what our search yielded. As stated before, although normal people (nongeeks) are already familiar with the World of Warcraft/WoW/wow/wOw/o_Oa relation, it would appear that Google is not. For many years, all geeks would stop all their system processes and pray towards Google, believing that Googs (the name we know him by in the ghetto) was an Internet deity of somesort or an all-knowing humanoid billionaire tyrant. We express our sincere condolences to any geeks whose reality has been shattered.

World of Warcrafting has become a new subculture. Back in high school, newly introduced friends would ask pathetically unoriginal questions like, "What kind of sports do you play?" and "What kind of allergies do you have?". But in this new age, people ask, "What server, what level, what race, what class, what guild, and what hours are you available for raiding?" Heck, nobody even goes "a/s/l" anymore. This is the era of World of Warcraft; a new world order has come to pass.

The age of WoW has also brought along a new facet of cybersex (yes, cybaring). World of Warcraft employs an interesting gear system which increasingly powerful sets of items for heroes to wear. They are classified as Tier 1, Tier 2, Tier 3, Epic, Epic Tier 3, Epic: Limited Edition and so on. Items in World of Warcraft are said to be "bound". Players who are the first to pick up these items are stuck with them forever and they are also harder to remove from the hero's body. This poses a new challenge to cybar-savvy World of Warcrafters, in that they have to now wait twice as long for the other party to complete removing their armor for the virtual loving to begin.

The "binding" system has caused much controversy amongst players, due to the number of crappy/useless/racially offensive items that exist in World of Warcraft. An example cited by Noam Mayj (A Study of Gnome Mage Communities in World of Warcraft, 2006) was the inclusion of a weapon called the Yellow-braided Whip of Zen. A large % of the playerbase found this item to be inappropriately named, possibly suggesting that Blizzard had a slight bias for its Asian demographic. There were no complaints received from WoW China or WoW Asia servers. Of course, The Letter C could not just have this story end here. We decided to do some research of our own and were able to confirm that the naming of this item was indeed based on bias. It is no mistake that the weapon was a homage to the Asian community, since approximately 76% of all World of Warcraft players accessed the game from Internet cafes in China/Taiwan/Korea/Japan/Singapore/Malaysia/Hong Kong. Although this evidence was doctored for the sake of our satirical post, The Letter C is quite open and almost certain that it could be true.

Nobody is sure whether the items called Japanese Cup Noodles and Acne Remover were just old items that were never deleted from the database or some horribly sick and tasteless joke. Any hero that has the Acne Remover in their possession gains the "Acne" status permanently and this gives a -50 to physical appearance. Many players wrote complaints to Blizzard because their characters started becoming less attractive than themselves in real life.

Like most decent modern-day MMORPGs, World of Warcraft is "p2p", or pay-to-play. For the soft price of $20 AUD a month, an arm, and maybe a leg, you can start playing World of Warcraft. Blizzard has been kind enough to allow exceptions for the exchange of two legs if players do not wish to lose their arms as this will greatly hinder their World of Warcraft experience. There was an urban myth going around shortly before the start of 2007, that to play World of Warcraft one had to give up his/her soul. Unfortunately, there was another myth that anyone who starts playing WoW was put under a curse of silence by Blizzard, and would never be able to speak of the horrible ravishing of their inner being. Therefore, The Letter C crew are stuck in a conundrum, or paradox, or oxymoron (we know oxymoron is the wrong word). All we can conclude is that "World of Warcraft" and "life" should never occur in the same sentence, in the same way that nobody should ever put "XBox" and "good" in the same sentence, or we will surely give them a beatdown.

TLC refuses to put the C in Defense of the Ancients

2007-01-10T12:51:00.000+10:00

Mood: not in the mood for DOTA
Currently listening to: death cry of my own hero

Results from a Google image search of "DOTA".

Defense of the Ancients (commonly called DOTA by ubergeeks) is a custom map for Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne. Considered by any DOTA player to be the best custom map of all time, it is also detested by all normal Warcraft III players. LIER Magazine gave DOTA a rating of 1.618^pi in their weekly Best Warcraft III Custom Map of the Week section for a total of 188 weeks running, which is about the time since the release of the very original DOTA. The rating did not yield a fraction, but ubergeeks rejoiced all around the globe and celebrated in their clan channels on Battle.net.

DOTA is most notorious for having extremely simplistic gameplay. It is the second most skill-less kid's game after Yu-Gi-Oh Cards. A 10 year old can master the game simply by putting in a cheat and choosing the secret hero named Doctor Fitzlollerberg. Many DOTA players are actually inept at controlling their mouse and can only control their single hero at a time. Only expert players actually buy the infamous "DOTA chicken" pictured here: . About 90% of players cannot manage their chicken properly and accidentally end up killing it with their own hero or their own towers. Or, in the worst case scenario, they get their own hero killed with the DOTA chicken because it contracted the bird flu and their hero became diseased and created an epidemic (the bird flu effect was added in Version 69.2bc*d_a-z). Yes, the noobness of ubernoobs is horrifying.

Let's take a look at this pie chart that C drew (C has 2 university degrees in Online Gaming Demographicology, but is unqualified in Visual Statistics Representation Studies):

As we can see clearly from this pie chart, about 80% of people who own Warcraft III play DOTA, and 40% of the whole population play normal WC3, with the last 12.5% using the game for other custom maps (porn maps, hentai maps, Tower Defense, Hentai Tentacle Defense, Hentai Tentacle Tag, Sheep Tag, Tree Tag, Tree Cutting Competition, etc.). Because of DOTA's large following, even after taking into account the difference in timezones, the custom game listing on the WC3 servers are constantly clogged up with DOTA games. Nerds cannot get enough of this map and everyone is always roaring for action (not a sexual reference).

Ubergeeks can also invest in a 3rd-party program called a Banlist, which allows them to see everyone's IP addresses (yes, it's a real hacker's tool) and can then track everybody and ban people who are beating them in the game. Unfortunately, nobody gets punished for the misuse of this program and anybody can use it. We have even contemplated using it to add any patheticly arrogant noobs or "Internet dickheads" (ahem, excuse our language) onto the list.

While DOTA has a huge following, much like emo fashion and Toyota Camrys, there is a large anti-DOTA community out there in the wilderness. C actually once started a DOTA-griefing clan as a joke (this is a true story) with a bunch of WGDFers (Warcraft General Discussion Forum) and we named it after the forum moderator, DatH. Unfortunately for us, DatH is a avid Korean DOTA player and immediately laid down the bannings when he found out we were a DOTA-griefing clan.

griefing, v. /grifIng/
1. The act of ruining the gameplay experience for
others
2. The art of ruining the gameplay experience for others

Such devious misdeeds included quitting games during the countdown, or quitting once the game started. C maintains he did not participate in these (this is true) but always laughed at the stories on the forum. WGDF-induced whining from ubergeeks was regular entertainment for the forumers.

DOTA, like all other Warcraft III custom maps, except for Hentai Montage 5.w3x always receives a update to get rid of bugs and whatnot. This is only one of the 178 reasons why DOTA is the most hated map on all of WC3. Past and present versions include:

DOTA Allstars 6.0
DOTA Allstars 6.36
DOTA Allstars 6.36b
DOTA Allstars 6.36c
DOTA Allstars 6.37a-z
DOTA Allyoucaneat $12
DOTA Pornstars 69.69bg
DOTA Sportstars 2006
DOTA Sportscars R32
DOTA Shootingstars Alpha Centuri
Defense of the Asians
DOTA: Australian Edition
DOTA: UK Edition
DOTA: US Edition (this is a reference, but what reference is it?)
DOTA: Star Wars Edition
DOTA Allstars DOA (Dead or Alive, with 155% more bounce)

Truly, DOTA is one of the seven horrors of the world.

In addition to that, the maker of DOTA, an Australian who was in New Zealand when he made the map (this is true, C actually bumped into the Guinsoo in a game once) has been sued for plagiarism and copyright infringement when he used sound files from Unreal Tournament in his map. The sound clips do not take away the First-Person-Shooter-sickness however, and any FPS player that is forced to play DOTA at tazerpoint will find it very unpleasant indeed. For anyone who actually recognizes the First Blood and Double Kill and Godlike when it plays, my kudos to you. Let's play some classic Unreal Tournament sometime. I mean it.

All that is required to play Defense of the Ancients is a the latest version of Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne and all your dignity. That's right, don't ever expect to get it back. C and jaychouf4n have been administered into a rehabilitation centre where they will play nothing but Pong for 6 weeks. We have received word that C snuck in his PSP and Lumines and will have to repeat the 6 weeks without gaming at all. Oh, sweet mother of Princess Peach!

*Disclaimer: Everything in this post is pure satire except for the parts with a (this is true) tag on it. Even still, those select sentences may very well contain traces of satire and peanuts. Mmm... peanuts. But yes, those statements are indeed true. And yes, C did meet the maker of DOTA in a game and took him out to dinner and one thing led to another and they ended up playing DOTA but then had a fight and never played DOTA together ever again. Oh, cruel fate! OMGAAWD HALP!!! DOTA CHICKEN RAMPAGE!

C is for Children

2007-01-10T12:21:00.000+10:00

Mood: Le Inspired
Currently listening to: by Jamiroquai

BoGus^ I'm going to name my twin daughters Mavis and Dulcie says
(12:17 PM):
id name my first daughter lorelai my msn name is a joke

Charles "24 Season 6 Enthusiast" Wong says (12:17 PM):
after what?

This morning at the office (or afternoon, rather) C made small-talk with his ever-busy journalist mentor Daniel "Bogus" Tang. The "I'm going to name my firstborn Sony" has been a running gag for years in the House of C. In fact, he has said it so many times that people aren't sure if he's serious or just making fun. Notorious for his Sony fanboyism, C made this vow/started this joke when some person mispronounced Sonny as Sony or vice versa. Yes, his sense of humour is pretty bad.

Bogus did not believe C when he told him his plans to name his firstborn Sony (whether he/she be male/female). Lucky for us, Bogus was actually at his office writing up news stories and did not press the issue further, but unluckily for us, he may press full charges.

Yet after several minutes of interrogation and trying to get C away from the only computer with WoW on it, we were unable to confirm if indeed he will call his firstborn Sony. He then said at lunch, "I'll probably just photoshop my kid's birth cert." Why, yes, for great geekdom! Journalists are so radical, they might as well be the new breed of Hippie. We then caught him photocopying his own birth certificate not once, not twice, but a total of 20 times. We suspect he plans to make horribly unfunny name puns, like Al Kaeda (thanks Chasers) and Charles Wang (which isn't actually a pun at all). Oh sweet mother of Super Nintendo!

This deserves a big fat fail.

There is no C in Film Noir again

2007-01-08T12:04:00.000+10:00

Mood: Miaoooo
Currently: explaining what 'overkill' means to some lesserly-geeky humans

The Seduction of D

Early the next morning, the forensics team arrived to examine the strangely positioned corpses, while journalists constantly relocated themselves to get a better view of the crime scene.

D stood and watched, intent and devoid of all emotion.

In his hands were the morning paper and a cup of espresso. Never one to trust anybody, D poured some of his coffee onto the front page. It burned.

The man who had served D at the stand was gone and had been replaced by a cheerful young woman. Indifferent, D redirected his attention back on the crime scene.

A photojournalist brushed past, and D saw the flash of a familar insignia. Then he knew - members of "the organization" had come to revisit the scene of the crime.

D had neither friends nor foes. He worked for nobody and against nobody. His agenda was his own.

He turned and walked away, completely ignoring the red dot that had begun shining on the back of his trenchcoat.

"No sex, no storyline," read a advertising poster overhead.

There was no sound when the bullet left the barrel. The silencer was made from top-grade German industrial tungsten.

Yet, the bolt lagged and D had walked another twenty metres before the round reached its destination.

The sniper flipped opened his phone only to be greeted with a SMS reading, "N00B" from his boss.

D managed a slight chuckle and continued walking. Feeling lucky, he took a sip from his chemically-engineered espresso.

He did not get the chance to have a second taste.

There is no C in Film Noir

2007-01-06T22:50:00.000+10:00

Mood: Empty
Currently: Empty

Double Barrow-Downs

The man followed C around the corner, with eyes prying, and his hand in his jacket.

"Stop where you are," muttered the man. The man pulled out a gun, just like they do in the movies.

C stood still, and time seemed to stop. He did not speak, he did not move. He might not even have breathed, but nobody was able to confirm this.

In the next moment, he felt the bullet tear through his chest; the cold, worn roads were now covered with warm blood.

He opened his mouth to speak... He wished a semi-colon would come to his rescue; a divine power then granted a young man his dying wish.

It was late, and nobody witnessed the murder, unless stray dogs count as people.

The man stood over C and said, "Goodbye, Choi Chin-Cheul."

Your death will be good news for our organization."

C could not help but wallow in the horrible irony of dying by target-identification error. He struggled to breathe, and wasted valuable seconds of his life contemplating whether or not to correct his killer. C did not live long enough to come to a decision.

As the man began to walk away, unbeknownst to him, C reached into his chest and pulled out his still-beating heart. The organ pulsated with the amount of life found at most underground rave parties.

The man turned around in shock. He began to back away in horror, with a reaction similar to that of people who have ecstacy-overdose-induced halluciations of the supernatural.

Unaware that there were actually two bullets in his pistol when it was handed it to him, he fell backwards and dropped his gun beside him. The trigger went off, the bullet escaped the barrel, and suddenly, there were two dead men lying on top of each other next to a industrial bin.

The next day, "Necropheliac Double Suicide" made the front page of the newspaper. It sounded unbelievable, but one man believed it. His name was D.

To be continued...

C is for C WONG

2007-01-06T09:11:00.000+10:00

A gift from Jayne

And yes, it is permanently staying on my phone... FOEVERR!

PH33R THE PINK THINGS!

There is no C in Eragon

2007-01-05T13:38:00.000+10:00

Mood: Malevolent
Currently watching: raindrops drip down the front door of the office

Eragon is a novel written by none other than Christopher Paolini during his teenage years when he was enduring the hard times of puberty and trying out various forms of dancemove-enhancing drugs. Eragon can be described as an unentertaining piece of literature, featuring a whiny boy named Eragon, of whom the book is named after.

The story is set in a green world of bacteria named Algaesia (many people thought this was a reference by Paolini to his homeland, Algeria, but infact it is not). Paolini named the fantasy world so because at the time the town scientist had a unhealthy obsession with algae and ultimately caused the overgrowth of the disgusting mossy filth to take over the entire city.

From the outset, Eragon appears to be a story about good dragon riders versus evil dragon riders and sexy fairies, but this book is actually a very deep and provides meaningful insight into humanity. There are references in this book to historical events like the Watergate Scandal involving ex-president Richard Nixon and also the release of the first Star Wars movie (which happened to be the fourth). George Lucas did not press full charges, as he is an avid supporter of all fantasy literature written to bring down the Lord of the Rings franchise - the "Star Wars" of the fantasy world.

Eragon underwent a film adaptation in 2006 in the film of the same name, Eragon. This film received rave reviews and won a substantial amount of awards for being:

Worst Lord of the Rings clone of 2006

Worst fantasy film featuring a whiny pansy

Worst fantasy film of 2006

Worst attempt at medieval comedy

Best film to feature a character named Durza

Worst dressed main character

Best fantasy film to feature a male lead portraying a loser

And indeed, nobody from The Letter C went to see this filth and we sat around the office making jokes to put into this post on the day of its release. Binja (our mascot ninja) was given a copy of the book to read for parody material but unfortunately he did a ninja on us (no pun intended) and left for Akihabara the next morning to purchase a modded PS3 for the office. The book now serves as a nice wedge beneath Icebox (our 1337speaking barfridge) because he complained about the carpet scraping his power supply.

Of course, in true satirical fashion, every member of the office will pretend they saw this crappy fantasy film and give their one-sentence review:

"Eragon was the best film I've ever seen, it really brought me back to my
high school days, we read it in English and I remember absolutely falling in
love with the boo-" - Arthur Arthurson (who has been fired for abusing commas to prolong his sentence and publicly admitting to liking this horrible piece of literature)
"Nanikore? Eeto... ee... ano... payrise ni tsuite? sou... hai, hai, onegai yo!" - Binja (who we contacted over the phone, but C was not around to translate for us *edit: we found out Binja was asking for a payrise and consequently we have hired an assassin)

"Look, guys, I'll do anything... ANYTHING but see that movie. Seriously, look, I will even d-" - C (whose sentence had to be cut short because the situation became very serious. C is now under 24 hour surveillance after attempting to commit seppuku with a frisbee and a DDR mat at the same time)

"4NY0N6 H453`/0 3R4G0N 15 4 CR4PP`/ F1LM H453`/0" - Icebox (whose Korean 1337speak is better than any other bar fridge we've come across)

"LOLOLOLOLLL I LOVE ERAGON (L)" - gwo (who had to explain to C for about 3 hours that he was only joking)

"I would rather sit through 40 hours of videoblogs than watch that *&^%, and then follow it up with another 40 hours of Today Tonight, but I'd probably just go play World of Warcraft." - lifeless (yes, that is his screenname)
"I'm going to go play DOTA." - jaychouf4n (we don't know who this guy is but his comment made it here somehow)
"Well, you can't really compare Eragon to Star Wars or anything like that. In my humble opinion, I think it's unfair to the producers because this film adaptation took a lot of effort and I am sure there are people out there who like the film. But of course, even just looking around the office, we have people of different walks of life and naturally we would have diffe-" - D (it was a mistake to ask D, and now he won't shut up, as we're adding the final touches to this post, the idiot is still having a philosophical rant)

And thus ends our review on Eragon, worst film of 2006. Cheers to a new age of film critique.

**DISCLAIMER: Most, but not all, of The Letter C's staff are imaginary and were created for comic purposes. We cannot reveal who is real and who is not, but D maintains that he is indeed real and much moreso than the rest of us. Someday that kid will have a Guitar Hero controller smacked over the back of his head.

C is for Camera

2007-01-03T23:38:00.000+10:00

Mood: Ecstatic
Currently taking photos of: my Camerablog

Ph33r my amazing leet skillz! Click the link to my Camerablog above! A link also exists on the sidebar! They are not linked to new windows because my Camerablog has a link back to here. Smartypants!

MSPaint rendition of C, by Jayne

Visit C.jpg for extremely awesome photography. My best photos are chosen and uploaded in a nice no-text flurry of imagery. Note that the template came with an absolutely kickass effect. Click on the photos in the posts and they will automatically zoom into your entire screen to full size! Javascript is required.

Today is a great day for my photojournalist career. I resolved to whore more pics and to archive them at high resolution (1.2megapixels constitutes as "high" for me since they exceed the generally popular 1024 x 768 screen resolution) and whatnot and now I have a camerablog! Well on the way to becoming a photojournalist or professional photowhore or paparazzi! Winnar!

C is for Click to Zoom http://cisforcamera.blogspot.com/

C is for 2007

2007-01-02T10:31:00.000+10:00

Mood: ^_^
Currently listening to: wooshing background sound on Warcraft III

Year 2007, a year predicted to come forth after 2006 ends has indeed, as the all-knowing calendar tells us, has indeed come into fruition (what a horrible and unoriginal expression). People all around the world and even on our neighbouring planets celebrate the coming of the new year in their own fashion. The Chinese, for example, like to be special and celebrate their new year 2 and a half months after everybody else. Nobody knows why this is so, but some Asian Studies majors have written garbage essays suggesting that the Chinese are indeed aliens and arrived on Earth after everybody else.

For Elves, a new year means another trip to the Fountain of Youth where they refill their elixirs. For geeks, it will be another year of signing petitions for another Star Wars movie and another year in their parents' basement playing paper Dungeons & Dragons. This ongoing tradition will surely go for many years to come until people get sick of it, as it is with all things.

And for some, the new year is not just about the rave party or the marijuana sessions, but a time for them to re-evaluate their existence and make resolutions for the new year. According to a recent study by Claire Voynt (2005), only 5% of these resolutions are kept 100% of the time by only 24% of people who make them. Since everyone at The Letter C office are mature students of the art, with the exception of Binja (our resident ninja mascot) and Icebox (our talking bar fridge that only speaks 1337speak in Korean and Klingon), we have decided to list some of our own resolutions here for your entertainment.

Please be aware that the "more" and the "less" is just a gag and is only accurate in 99% of the resolutions. Here goes, The Letter C's New Year Resolutions:

1. Pray more

2. Exercise more

3. Exercise grace more

4. Care less

5. Be indifferent more

6. Game more

7. Have less of a life more

7. Talk in 1337speak less

7. Repeat myself less

8. Say "lol" in real life less

9. Zone out less more

10. Secretly wish I could breakdance less

11. Yell "multikill" in real life less

12. Be cruel to telemarketers less

13. Get metro'd up less

14. Learn to cook cheesecake more

15. Eat Japanese food more

16. Get out of my parents' basement more

17. Look directly into the sun less

18. Make witty remarks about other people more or less

19. Make out with mirrors less

20. Drink alcohol less

21. Game less

22. Tell people I've travelled across Europe more

23. Tell people I've travelled across America less

24. Be an r-tard more

25. Wish I was a girl less

26. Sleep more

27. Dream about gothic lolitas less

28. Want to get a Hello Kitty tattoo more

29. Buy useless crap on ebay more

30. Drive like an Asian less

31. Dress Hongky less

32. Listen to English music more

33. Be in denial about being a geek more

34. Talk in a Japanese schoolgirl voice less

35. Giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl more

36. Beg people to donate to me for a lifetime (yes, lifetime) subscription to TIME Magazine more

37. Pick up TIME Magazine in waiting rooms and pretend to understand and appreciate it less

38. Borrow stuff from my friends and not return it more

39. Design cool T-Shirts more

40. Procrastinate less

41. Finish what I start more

42.

If you believe any of the above to be true, then perhaps you have not noticed the satire tag on this post. The Letter C would like to acknowledge that the satire tag is our shield against justice and it nullifies any legal action you might wish to take upon us. Some of those resolutions may well indeed be true and with the "more" and "less" mixed up to be deliberately misleading. The fun will be picking out the real ones and then telling me about it so I don't have to go out of my way to think about something to talk about. There will be no prize involved. And no, the prize remark was not satire and was the whole truth.

Happy New C ｴﾍje―ｦｾ ≧▽≦ says: hapy new yaer!

Ew, that Japanese did not come out well.

C is for 2006

2006-12-31T16:48:00.000+10:00

Mood: y
Currently listening to: Angela Aki - Kiss Me Goodbye, theme song of Final Fantasy XII

At long last, the year of 2006 will be reaching an end. Many philosophers and accountants have debated over whether the year actually ends on the second before or the second after midnight on December 31. The Letter C was able to catch an interview with many famous figures to get their opinion on 2006. In the spirit of celebration, this is the first time our crew did not have to pay for our interviews. With the money we saved from not chequebooking, we were able to purchase that penthouse apartment we've always wanted in Brisbane CBD. Other miscellaneous items we cashed on were a 2004 Rolls Royce and a refrigerator containing a year's supply of alcohol for 2007. C is a non-drinker, so we, being the nice imaginary co-workers that we are bought him Britney Spears' fairy floss-esque perfume. He has been trying it on himself for the last 30 minutes in the office bathroom, much to our horror.

We actually got to have a chat with 7 celebrities, but we will be only publishing the 2 which we felt were most satireworthy. The following are the musings of Galileo and Kool-aid Man on 2006.

Unfortunately, we were unable to retrieve our interview with Galileo "Galilea-e-i-o-u" Galilei, inventor of the Violin and the Pizza and wrote our own based on what we could remember from the original.

"Ah this year was epic for science and of course my favourite event of the year was the release of the Nintendo Wii. Head of Nintendo Italy, Epily Seiseur invited me over for many dinners and we talked about their new console. I was so excited about the science used in the Wii. Mr Seiseur had known me many years and we used to play Dr Mario against each other in our childhood. We were almost certain the console was to be named Nintendo Galileo after me because of the infra-red technology which I helped pioneer and popularize back in the 1670s. I very much hope that in 2007 they will release another console which will be named after me with a weird kind of controller, hopefully one that uses thermal science because I invented the thermometer."

Kool-aid Man did not say much during the interview, but became extremely excited when we asked, "Did sales go up this year?" Kool-aid Man began to bounce around and yell, "Ya, ya, ya!" and eventually tripped on his own new Persian rug. For legal reasons, we cannot disclose the details of what happened, but it vaguely reminded us of a glass jug dropping onto the ground.

With those two tearjerking reflections on 2006, we at The Letter C are also entering into our final preparations for the Y2K7 epidemic by stocking up on alcohol, pre-paid phone credit and glow sticks. We bid farewell to our readers forever and the year 2006 for a few weeks. C has wagered his PS3 that 2006 will come crawling back for him. Ha, ha, ha. Get real kiddo.

C is for Caloundra

2006-12-30T23:10:00.000+10:00

Mood: LE PARLEZ VOUS FRANCAIS DESU

Currently: uploading photos of our pilgrimage

Today was an epic day for the BCAC Crew as we drove our way through the terrible traffic jam of the highway and arrived at the Caloundran Jetty. Unfortunately, there was no Save Point present and there were high level wild pelicans wandering about.

Armed with only a camera, a boy named C was given the quest of documenting the events of this memorial day. The other party members chose fishing rods as their weapons and ventured onto the wooden planks, hoping to catch animals known only as "fish".

Several party members were injured, and, lacking in potions, we had no choice but to yield to the mighty power of the pelican. Did the BCAC Crew make it out of the Caloundran Jetty alive?

*PRESS START TO VIEW PHOTOS*
CLICK THAT LINK TO SEE PHOTOS

Photography by C, with the exception of a few

TLC puts the C in Speech Synthesizer

2006-12-30T22:17:00.000+10:00

Mood: T_T_T__T____Ttt-t----tt
Currently: smelling like fish and the sea

The Letter C has reached a milestone with the new-age technology of speech synthesis. No longer will C have to write anything for himself when he can get a robotic voice to say it for him.

Cue embedded .mp3 files!

Please note, on the 5th wave the bot is saying "Ha, ha, ha". I have received complaints from parents of some readers who were under the delusion that it was saying something much more vulgar.

I have never heard a truer 5 random sentences in a row, ever.

There is no C in Ninja Quest 8

2006-12-29T17:42:00.000+10:00

Mood: ?:/ que?

Currently smoking: 10 year old copy of MAD Magazine Hokeycon Special

Today The Letter C is going to crap on about another video game. We hereby declare that Ninja Quest 8 was not a randonly generated game name and that such a game may actually exist!

Ninja Quest 8 was written by none other than Carl Winemaker (no relation to Carlos Winedrinker or Carlton Windbreaker). In his still ongoing career, Carl Winemaker was most famous for creating Ninja Quest's second to seventh instalments. Nobody knows if Mr Winemaker stole his idea from the man/woman/dog/rock that made the original Ninja Quest. This is because nobody cared whether the idea of the game was stolen or not. Anyone who played Ninja Quest 8 instantly became a fanboy and today we will document its latest sequel.

Plot Synopsis:

NQ8 is, surprisingly, not about a ninja but rather revolves around an American salaryman by the name of John Dough (no relation to John Doe or Joe Dough). It is the year 2018 and all the rivers and oceans of the world have been poisoned by an unknown brown substance called Cococa-Cola. In the light of such dark times, John Dough is on a quest for the last safe-to-eat piece of sashimi, which reminds him of his childhood when he eats it.

*WARNING: SPOILERS*

During the course of the game, John Dough befriends famous ninjas such as Musashi, Naruto and Chairman Kaga. The player might meet some lesser known ninjas such as Yamaha (who made pianos and motorcycles when he retired as a ninja), Spiderman (who in fact is actually a ninja) and last but not least, Shinobi who is known by all fans of the video game Shinobi.

C's latest fictional love interest

The game's genre is hard to describe. It is a cross between DDR, Tetris and Initial D. Gameplay videos could not be released because Mr Winemaker threatened to "press full charges". As mentioned before, anyone who has played this game instantly is converted into a mindless fanboy. The Letter C regrets being unable to obtain unbiased opinion on this game.

Screenshot of Ninja Quest 8 in action

Graphics in NQ8 have been hailed as revolutionary for their time. Unfortunately, this statement would only have been true had Ninja Quest 8 been released in the 1980s. Ninja Quest 8 has won a number of awards as listed below:

Awards won by Ninja Quest 8:
Best game featuring crappy graphics and ninjas: 2-in-1 category
Better game than Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire
Better game than Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
Best game starring an American salaryman
Best game featuring Spiderman as a supporting character
First game ever to feature sushi mastication system
First game ever to feature DDR, Tetris and Initial D elements
And the most prestigious award...
Best Ninja Quest since Ninja Quest 7

There is no C in Windows Movie Maker

2006-12-25T22:13:00.000+10:00

Mood: LOLOL *_*
Currently dreaming about: becoming a movie director

It is common knowledge that I, C, directed many hit films such as Star Wars: Return of the King under a pseudonym which I cannot reveal. Yet, as I am confronted with the task of man-handling Windows Movie Maker, I am left bamboozled at its crappy Microsoft workmanship.

After watching some spoof dub vids on Youtube, I decided it was time to make my own. The guys at TLC headquarters were looking for food in the dumpster around the corner one evening, and happened to find a brand new microphone. They brought it home and we have been playing it ever since. The crew must have spent at least 5 hours rummaging in the bin because they came back with 4 basketballs, 15 seafood platters and Hungry Jack's coupons from the future. It was absolutely amazing.

Without further ado, we present the very first TLC Film:

The OC from the Simpsons dubbed badly.

Directed by
C

Voices by
C

Ringtone .wav file from
Joe "Barry" Wong

Original clip provided by
Gwo

Lame and random humour by
(the culprit has not yet been found)

C is for Christmas

2006-12-24T22:28:00.000+10:00

Mood: ¯o¯*yawndesu*
Currently playing: Final Fantasy XII (please... save me from this horrible addiction)

Jesus lives!

Merry Christmas to all.

From,

The Letter C

There is no C in Final Fantasy XII

2006-12-23T22:33:00.000+10:00

Mood: #$*^$*%&!!!!
Currently suffering from: Gaming ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)

*WARNING: This post may be disturbing to some readers, particularly to Square-ENIX fanboys (C is an ex-fanboy). The Letter C exposes Final Fantasy XII and falsely portrays it to be a crap game (no, seriously, it scales 11/10 on the crap scale). If you are a Square-ENIX fanboy/fangirl, then The Letter C wishes to express our sincere condolences now because this post may make you cry (by "may" we mean "most certainly", and by "cry" we mean "shoot yourself"). If our subliminal messaging has taken effect, please, do what you have to do now and save yourself the pain of finding out the truth, because Square-ENIX is the devil.

Final Fantasy XII: The Review
The Letter C

Final Fantasy XII was prominently released several weeks ago (maybe even months ago) in North America. As copies were being imported from America, I received news that pirates had raided the ship that carried the goods. For this very reason, I, through some semi-reliable sources, was able to obtain a copy of the game and thought it was absolutely necessary for me to share my impressions with the world.

Storyline: 11/10
Basically, Final Fantasy XII's story is a lot like Bravehearts(actually, I am not really quite sure if there are similarities at all). Anyways, the main character is a nobody named Vain who, ironically is some stupid whiny kid who is pretty vain. Throughout the game you will find him beating up anybody who disses his absolutely horrible haircut. I mean, get a grip dude. And then there's your heroine, a Joan of Arc-esque princess named Ash (no relation to Ash Ketchum from Pokemon). I don't wanna spoil anything but basically you can already tell from her name that she dies halfway through the game only to be resurrected as a character called Phoenix.

Quite early on in the game, you will see a lot of cutscenes which look like they were taken from Star Wars, Troy, Laputa (a Miyazaki film) and Nausicaa (another Miyazaki film). And during such a scene, you get to meet the "bad good guy" of the game, Balthazar and his Playboy bunny sidekick Francine. Balthazar wields a gun and also wears shiny dangly earrings of +10 metrosexuality and also speaks with a British accent which gives him around +1000 to his sex appeal stat. Francine uses a bow and talks like Yoda. Her voice is also a bit hard to listen to. My guess is that you will kick her out of the party as soon as possible because nobody I know can stand her.

Vain also has a girlfriend named Penpal who is a bit of teenybopper. The saddest thing is that Penpal has to save Vain's ass all the time and that she's actually stronger than him. The last of our heroes is a guy named Brass. I also thought this was a funny name when I played it. He's the ubertank of the game and it's likely you'll want to send him to the frontlines to die because he doesn't do much otherwise. He has an evil twin who betrayed the whole country and beat their king at a game of chess. Unfortunately the king was drunk on some Brandy and wagered the rights to his kingdom to the invaders from a much larger place called Archerland.

The jist of FFXII's story is that there are two huge kingdoms (bigger than an Xbox), named Archerland and Roseland at war. Unfortunately, the little region called Dalmascus (which where our heroes find themselves) is right inbetween these two big countries. At the start of the game we find Archerland's forces having penetrated Dalmascus' only outpost and it is taken under Archerlandian rule. Dalmascus is only the size of a Nintendo Gameboy Advanced SP (that is pretty darn small) and thus get absolutely WPWNED. The whole story is about how our heroes try to bring peace back to their kingdom while preserving their popcorn harvest, because apparently popcorn is the biggest thing in Dalmascus right now.

Graphics: 4/10
Absolute crap. Final Fantasy XII looks like it was made for the N64. Other than that, I see no difference in the graphics of Final Fantasy XII from something like Dance Dance Revolution. They look pretty darn similar to me.

*NOTE: C may need new glasses.

Sound: 2/10

Sound is where Final Fantasy XII really shines. If you've played Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced before, and got totally sick of that upbeat adventury music, prepare yourself to get sick of it all over again. After examining the tracklist for the FFXII OST and comparing to the FFTA OST, I found out that all they did was rename every song. Square-ENIX must have been suffering from some huge budget cuts.

Gameplay: 5/10

Gameplay in FFXII is nothing like any previous Final Fantasy. For true strategy lovers like myself, FFXII is like heaven. This game also allows you to program AI for the rest of your party, so you don't have to control everyone individually. Think Star Ocean 3. I didn't like SO3's battle system but I sure as hell like FFXII's. Running around is also not such a pain, in certain levels you can totally avoid battle by going through Solid Snake style. I mentioned to my good buddy Benson as I watched him play for 4 hours straight that, "This level reminds me of Metal Gear Solid." He did not respond to me for the next 5 hours after that.

Originality: 1/10
Our adventure with FFXII was extremely shortlived due to our game reviewer's Gaming ADD (ask C for more information on his self-invented geek illness). Yet, when C felt compelled to return to the game, his save file had corrupted overnight and had him kicking over the TV and made 2 holes in the wall. As this post is receiving its finishing touches, C is sitting quietly in the TLC office playing FFXII like a high school kid. He is bound to have a seizure soon, so stay tuned for photos.

To give a nutshell of how "original" Final Fantasy XII really is, let us use elementary mathematics as an illustration:

Final Fantasy XII = Star Wars + Laputa: Castle In The Sky + Nausicaa: Valley of the Wind + Star Ocean 3: Till the End of Time + Troy + Final Fantasy X + Final Fantasy XI + Warcraft III

Yes. That is what Final Fantasy XII is. Readers beware. Many thought Final Fantasy IX was unoriginal (because it was like playing FF - FFVI), but Final Fantasy XII absolutely tops that. You may have to play it to believe it, but we would strongly advise against it to spare you the horrific death of your childhood. As we watched the opening movie and the first few FMVs and got a feel for the storyline, we realized that all FFXII was was a overkilled uber-crossover from everything in the equation above. It killed us inside, it really did. Everyone at The Letter C observed a minute of silence for this horrible tragedy, and then we resumed playing Guitar Hero 3 with the subsequent smashing of a guitar controller over C's head. He was so engrossed into FFXII he did not notice his own blood had splattered all over our plasma television.

Overall: -120/10 (give or take 1000)

All up, lets take a look at how we arrived at this score:

-15 for having an annoying hero
-8 for using scenes from Star Wars
-80 for using scenes from Troy
-9 for resembling Dance Dance Revolution
-3 for not resembling Guitar Hero 3
-100 for being more addictive than World of Warcraft
+50 for saving The Letter C $16 a month on World of Warcraft
+2 for beautiful intro
+4 for average looking heroine
+7 for Balthazar's dangly man earrings
-12 for having a teenybopper character
-5 for being singleplayer
-1000 for being a Final Fantasy

TLC puts the C in The 12 Days of Warcraft

2006-12-22T19:32:00.000+10:00

Mood: o_OO_o-O_O_!O!_O$!O_!O! CRAZY NINJAPHEERRRR
Currently listening to: More mando girl music

The 12 Days of Warcraft by CHIBI.

On the first day of Christmas my DatH gave to me

A 1.21 patch for War 3

On the second day of Christmas my Farseer gave to me

Two dire wolves

On the third day of Christmas my AMM gave to me

Three bad allies

On the fourth day of Christmas my dischack gave to me

Four free wins

On the fifth day of Christmas my creep camp gave to me

Five crowns of kings

On the sixth day of Christmas my nooborc gave to me

Six peons mining

On the seventh day of Christmas my noobelf gave to me

Seven dryads dying

On the eighth day of Christmas my fundead gave to me

Eight heroes nuking

On the ninth day of Christmas my human gave to me

Nine towers building

On the tenth day of Christmas my Grubby gave to me

Ten mothers bleeding

On the eleventh day of Christmas my Blizzard gave to me

Eleven account bannings

On the twelfth day of Christmas my forum gave to me

Twelve days of spamming

Merry Christmas WGDF <3

There is no C in Deathly Hallows

2006-12-21T18:26:00.000+10:00

Mood: Vn_nV
Currently reading: Harry Potter and the Hairy Potter

Since the release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the legion of Harry Potter fans has grown significantly in anticipation of the final book. Some are eagerly awaiting book number 7 because they are true Harry Potter fans and have really fallen for J. K. Rowling's amazing writing, and some are just waiting for the last book to come out because they hate nerdy-looking boy wizards. But little do they know that once, a child philosopher by the name of Charles Wong said, "A president has much power, but a dead president has even more." This proverb/saying/conversation starter could most possibly apply to boy wizards too and it does.

J. K. Rowling has already revealed some things about book 7. After several hours of research and a boring interview with Miss J. K., I have compiled a list of book 7isms. I assure you there will be no spoilers, just little tipoffs which J. K. Rowling felt compelled to give to The letter C after being interrogated with a lie detector:

*SPOILER WARNING*

List of CONFIRMED book 7isms:

Harry dies and is resurrected with a sarcophagus coffin

Harry dies again and is resurrected again

Dumbledore dies a total of 3 times, first by eating poisoned chocolate frog, then by eating an Anthrax flavoured jellybean and lastly dies by accidental suicide when he drops his wand and it fires at him at a bad angle

Cho gets plastic surgery

Harry asks Hermione out but she replies with the "Lets just be friendly wizards" line

Harry and Hermione somehow get together anyway

Ron walks into Harry and Hermione having a R-rated 18+ makeout session (only found in the version of book 7 with the adult cover)

Ron finds safety and comfort in the arms of Draco Malfoy and tells Draco his life story and they have a big cry together

Draco finally comes out of the closet and reveals he is gay

Crabbe and Goyle have a fight over which of them Draco likes better

Snape turns out to be a convicted sexual predator wizard

Hagrid dies and Chewbacca is called in as a replacement

Book 7's ending will be ambigiuous and keep fans guessing for book 8

Voldemort flees to France and is renamed Voldemorte

Luna Lovegood wins Hogwarts Hogmate of the Year award

Neville Longbottom receives a Nintendo Wii for Christmas via Owl-post

The Dursleys move to Japan after Dudley is signed as a professional Sumo wrestler

Human Paladin's Holy Light mana cost is raised to 70 from 65, cooldown increased by 1 second

Nearly Headless Nick joins the Cirque du Soleil and is replaced by The Ghost of Walt Cummings

The Red Baron joins the Spanish Inquisition and is replaced by The Ghost of Freddy Krueger

List of RUMOURED book 7isms (rumours may contradict as they were gathered from sources of varying reliability):

Hagrid has some bad soup one day and a week later a dragon bursts out of his chest

J. K. Rowling is playable as a secret character

The new Ministry of Magic will be Ronald McDonald

Book 7 will be titled Harry Potter and the Deathly Wheelbarrows

Book 7 will be split into 2 parts, respectively named The Sequel to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Part 1 and Part 2 of The Sequel to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

After beating Voldemort 10 times, Snape-X will be unlocked as a playable character

After beating Voldemort 50 times, J. K. Bison will be unlocked as a playable character

Undead Death Knight's Death Coil mana cost will be reduced from 75 to 65

The new Defence of the Dark Arts teacher will be a wizard named Guinsoo

If you reach the final boss without ever dying, you will face off against a special boss called Chuck Norris

Book 7 will be the first choose-your-own-adventure Harry Potter of the series

J. K. Rowling dies on page 857

J. K. Rowling dies on page 856

Santa Claus makes a guest appearance on page 666

Page 102 is blank

A R-rated 18+ version of book 7 will be released under the name Harry Potter and the Tomb Raider

Book 7 will be poorly made into a movie

If anyone could possibly come up with every reference that was made in that huge list, you will most certainly win a cookie + a romantic night of geeklove, because we ourselves at The letter C have already forgotten half the things we referred to. Die-hard Harry Potter fans, please be assured that none of the rumours are true but that all the confirmed events are very likely to be true. Although J. K. Rowling was under tight security and strictly not having interviews with nobodies, The letter C was able to discover a loophole in her management called "bribery". Almost all (by almost, we mean not even remotely close to 5%) of the information in this article was leaked to us by Miss J. K. herself.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, we are waiting.

There is no C in You Know My Name

2006-12-18T21:35:00.000+10:00

Mood: O_Qimwearingamonocle
Currently listening to: Wilbur Pan & 弦子 - 不得不愛 classics

I ask girlfriend how you been
Nur nur nuurm something something
You're my one and only baby something

*PREPOSTRANT: Whoa. A double-post on the same day!? What is going on? The truth is, C worked pretty slow on his song parody and it took him quite a few days to complete. His lack of energy has nothing to do with his discovery of a marijuana plant at his workplace.

*DISCLAIMER: No sad geeks were harmed in the making of this song parody. However, the letter C wishes to advise readers that if you feel that the parody was directed at you, be assured that it is not. The letter C has a strict no put-downs policy, except against pompous bigots. The words used in this song parody may be sick, tasteless and crude, and are not the product of vocabulary malfunction. C did not tear his hair out for several days for a half-decent job.

You Fail At Life (Parody of Chris Cornell's You Know My Name from Casino Royale)
If you use Myspace, do you know you’re a geek?
Odds are, you don’t know you’re not cool
When the wife comes home, are you gonna get beat?
With the sledgehammer she bought last week?

I’ve seen uglie nerds play MMOs
But you’re much worse cuz you play YuGiOh
Just slit your wrists

Shoot yourself because right now I have no ammo
Your girlfriend cheats on you
And nobody likes you
You can’t deny you suck; if I happened to be you
I'd just seppuku
Are you going to cry?

The foulest sight I’ve seen’s your face
You fail at life

If you left your house maybe you’d have some friends
When you reply your IMs
And if you think you’re 1337
You never had a clue
The way that you act is so ghey

I’ve seen ten year olds act more mature
Than you yourself
But if you must be sure
You may need a shrink

Hide yourself because I will fire if I see you
The dogs would feast on you
They smell nicer than you
You can’t deny the truth anymore it consumes you
I long to kill you
Are you failing at life?

The dumbest blondes think you are lame

I will be your friend
I care how you feel
(I care how you feel)

Life is harsh did you think I was for real
(I was for real)

Kill yourself because everyone here is waiting
What I said is all true
And it’s all about you
You can’t deny that I am a lot cooler than you
I’ll break it to you
I promise I won’t lie

The lowest F-minus is yours
You fail at life
(You fail at life)
You fail at life
(You fail at life)You fail at life
You fail at life
You fail at life

TLC puts the C in Warcraft

2006-12-18T13:19:00.000+10:00

Mood: ~_~
Currently reading: Sun Tzu's Art of Warcraft

*WARNING: The following post may only be funny to people who have played Starcraft and Warcraft by Blizzard Entertainment. Even if you happen to have played both those games, you may not find this post funny at all.

*DISCLAIMER: All comments that appear anti-South Korean are nothing but satire.

Blizzard Entertainment took the world by storm (unintended pun - check!) when it released its first Warcraft game in 1969. It debutted on the Condor 64 (an old computer system) and featured black and blacker graphics. Players could choose from a total of just one race and duked it out mono-e-mono-emo-style-mono using a single stickman. The game was so primitive that ASCII boobs could not be produced properly, but after a feminist gaming group threatened to sue, Blizzard released a patch that would allow players to play as stickwomen also.

From its humble beginnings, Warcraft was an incredibly successful game. Although the combat resembled something out of Runescape (aka. laggy pixelated filth of an MMORPG), one thing was clear: Blizzard was way ahead of its time. Rival game producers from that era could almost match Blizzard's efforts with Warcraft with one flaw: they could not get their stickmen to animate.

Shortly after the original Warcraft was released, Blizzard sent out Warcraft II: Orcs & Huntresses in 1987. It should be noted that the North American release of WarII took place on February 24, 1987. This game has special significance in the office because it is older than me by one day. For the same reason, Blizzard sent me a birthday cake in the shape of a Orc Great Hall on my birthday this year. Thanks Blizzard, it's nice to know you somehow have my personal information and aren't using it for unethical purposes.

Warcraft II was far more successful than its predecessor Warcraft. Warcraft II featured stunning graphics running on a 386 engine. A total of 6 colours were able to be displayed. The Night Elf huntresses, however, did not show up properly in game. Night Elves are known for their purple skin (like Barney the Dinosaur or Grimace the something), yet on the graphics engine of the late 80s, they appeared to be green. This caused outrage against activists for Night Elvish rights and announced they were boycotting the game. There was no documentation found of any reaction by Blizzard Entertainment.

As we continue down the timeline, the Warcraft series is briefly interrupted by the release of Starcraft. Starcraft vaguely resembled Warcraft in many ways, and it seemed like a bad dream for many gamers of that day and age. An American Blizzard fanboy commented, "I am absolutely sure this is meant to be Warcraft III. They just made a typo in the name, that's all." Unfortunately, this fanboy was wrong. Blizzard made a public announcement regarding the release of Starcraft. There was an urban legend floating around urbandictionary.com that Blizzard was so ashamed of this announcement they destroyed all records of it. Luckily, the letter C specializes in making the big names eat their own words and we were able to "undestroy" the transcripts of the speech with the help of a time machine toaster we built by accident back in 1997.

This is what we recovered of Blizzard's announcment, 18 June, 1995:
"Starcraft pushes the genre of real-time strategy to its limits. Many were anticipating the release of Warcraft III, but hope is not lost, because it is already in development."

Because of my duty as a time travelling journalist, I could not deny the fans the true story behind Warcraft, and travelled a little forward in time to 1996. Unfortunately, I read my time machine wrong and had actually gone all the way to the year 9661. I report with much regret that I spawned on the Protoss planet Aiur during the channeling of the crystals and was obliterated in the big Zerg barbecue (if you remember watching this, then I have 2 things to say to you: 1. You're old; 2. Let's play Starcraft sometime). Of course, I don't mean to brag but it turns out that in the year 9660 I received a Ph.D. from Char University in Science Fiction. I know, I laughed too (you actually didn't laugh but let's pretend you did).

So, in 1996, the Starcraft Effect wore off. This social phenomena was first observed by Starcraft Original Developers Society in late 1995 when people stopped waiting for Warcraft III and started to enjoy Starcraft. Sadly, the Starcraft Effect was shortlived and people got bored of Starcraft and wanted something new. Little did the gaming community know Blizzard already had a trick up its sleeve, and had waited nearly a year to show its hand. And thus, Blizzard released an expansion pack for Starcraft called Blood War. It was actually pronounced incorrectly for many years by Asian players who kept calling it Brood War to this very day.

Archived copy of Blizzard's announcment, 4 April, 1996:
"Starcraft: Blood War pushes the genre of real-time strategy to its limits yet again. Many were anticipating the release of Warcraft III, but hope is not lost, because it is already in development."

It was an epic moment for Blizzard Entertainment, because for the same amount of years that its name was mispronounced, Blood War was voted No. 1 in the Top 100 Real-time Strategy Games by LIER Magazine. Nobody seemed to notice there were only a total of 2 RTS games on the market that were actually played, with the other being Total Alienation (if you know the real name of this game, then I have 2 things to say to you: 1. You're old, 2. Let's play Starcraft sometime).

As we fast forward this dramatic story of the uprise of Warcraft, it should be noted that Starcraft is currently the most widely played sport in South Korea. In Western countries, shallow teenage girls dream of marrying rich men, but in South Korea, a professional Starcraft player is the ideal husband. The higher his APM (actions per minute) the better. I assure you; that was not a sexual reference.

Then, in 2003 came the Warcraft that so many were waiting for. Warcraft III was released receiving a warm response by the RTS fanbase. Players could pick from a variety of races and use some classic units as well as new. Blizzard introduced the Hero system which were a form of superunit that leveled up as it gained experience. Many Diablo II players became jealous and felt unloved when they found out that much of Warcraft III was in fact Diablo II, except in an RTS. This is actually fact and not parody. For anyone who's played Dungeons & Dragons (or a D&D clone), Diablo II and Warcraft III (you need to play all 3 games to understand this), you (like myself) would have noticed that D&D inspired much of the Diablo II mechanics while Warcraft III's hero system is largely based on RPG elements taken from Diablo II. And for anyone who just read those last few sentences, you would have guessed that someone at Blizzard Entertainment has a disturbing fetish with Roman numerals. Disgusting.

To continue our story, scroll back up a few paragraphs and replace Starcraft with Warcraft, and Blood War with The Frozen Yogurt. The release of the TFY expansion set for Warcraft III was a milestone for Blizzard Entertainment. However, it also sparked the downfall of the more traditional gametypes of ladder play. A custom map by the name of Defense of the Asians was made by a racist white person to make fun of Asians who played Warcarft III. The objective of the game was to pick an Asian from the hero taverns and defend the Tree of Rife from the enemy heroes. Hardly any Asians were able to read English and thus nobody was sued over this controversy. When DotA was translated into other languages, many words had to be changed to make it less offensive to South Korean players on the Kalimdor (Asia) Realm. No special treatment was given to any other group of Asians because the Koreans made up 99.8% of the Asian playerbase of Warcraft III. To this very day, DotA is still played on every server, and is infamous for clogging up custom game listings on Azeroth. Many noobs do not realize that DotA is actually a custom map and they also lack the skill to play normal.

Shortly after Warcraft III: The Frozen Yogurt, Blizzard sold the source code for WarIII and other companies began buying up on this opportunity. A number of 3rd-party spinoffs were released, with titles ranging from:

Carcraft
Avatarcraft
Cellularcraft
Dollarcraft
Familiarcraft
Caviarcraft
Superstarcraft
Solarsystemcraft
Galaxycraft

*Note: Many people thought Lincraft was a spinoff of a Blizzard game, but it turned out that it was just some crappy place to buy carpet and stuff.

With the advent of the spinoff games (which were never released because Blizzard had the best professional assassins out of all of the game companies), Blizzard had no competition remaining and was free to unveil its ultimate weapon: World Wide Web of Warcraft. People had been anticipating WWWoW since the beta of Everyquest, one of the most popular MMORPGs of its day. Most gamers had heard WWWoW was good, but nobody actually expected it to be as good as it really was. WWWoW blew all other MMORPGs to smitherines. The release of WWWoW actually caused around 14 game companies to shut down because they had no chance at the market anymore. Blizzard used WWWoW to rake in big bucks in very little time. With a monthly subscription fee of $100 (give or take $50 USD), and a loyal playerbase of around 7 million worldwide, well, you do the maths.

WWWoW has thrived for nearly 2 years now as the greatest MMORPG of all time voted by LIER Magazine. Game industry analysts speculate that it will be at least 40 years before WWWoW gets dethroned and that people won't stop playing WWWoW until 2080. With new content being released every year, avid fans will very likely stay subscribed for at least another decade or two. World Wide Web of Warcraft was a really successful game and Blizzard spokespanda Mojo Stormstout had this to say, "I hear you man." Yeah, dude, fully.

And so ends our cute story of the origins of WWWoW, the golden idol of geeks galore and greatest enemy of Everyquest. Yet, who knows, in the future, you may meet me on a WWWoW server with me playing a female character (probability of female character: 100%, probability of bumping into C on WWWoW: 5%). I have just one thing to say though... If you do see me running around on WWWoW like a sad little sod, don't hesitate to tell me to get a life, because that's exactly what every WWWoW player needs. Yeah, more than they need a girlfriend.

There is no C in Happy Feet

2006-12-16T21:28:00.000+10:00

Mood: %_&*
Currently listening to: 弦子.. OMG ASIAN ARTIST?!??/

NEWSFLASH: My buddy gwo has just started a blog. Him and I will both be co-authoring on both our blogs. So you may occasionally see something written by him. I like his style. Also, head over to his blog cuz its a good read. Don't worry, there's none of that teenybopper "I gotta tell the whole world about everyday of my life because I'm too ignorant to realize that nobody cares and/or reads my blog" crap.

--------------

Ok. Christmas season is closing in and people are going a bit crazy. To be honest, Christmas has actually come behind me like a sneaky thief with max level Sneak and aimed itself a nice backstab into my back (um, well I didn't know a backstab could go anywhere else o_o?).

This afternoon I humbly went to have dinner with family friends, much to the surprise of every aunty and uncle that was there. During dinner, an aunty brought up the issue of the comedy animated film Happy Feet. Apparently this film is Australian produced, and with confirmation from Wikipedia, the most reliable information source on the Internet (ha, ha, ha, sarcasm), it indeed is an Australian movie.

However, there are two issues with this film that have attracted my attention as a journalist. First of all, is the fact that this film, albeit Australian, was released first in the US. What is up with that? The aunty was discussing this point over dinner, and it was at that very moment (drumroll with laser sound effects), that I realised, "I am finding conversation with adults to be attractive and appealing to me as an intellectual. Does this mean... that I have... grown up? O SHI-". I tried very hard to hide my shock, and luckily none of the adults noticed my panicky shifty-eyes and gaping mouth. To further direct attention away from myself at the dinner table, I yelled, "Look over there!" and pointed to a painting on the wall, then said, "Isn't that a lovely painting? Who's it by?" Needless to say, this did not really happen, but I rule out no possibilities after being voted "Guy most likely to do anything" by LIER magazine.

So, back to the issue at hand. Why was this Australian film released in the US in mid-November, and only coming out to our cinemas on Boxing Day? I wonder. A family friend mused, "They're probably using it as a Christmas film." I should have complemented the young lady for her deduction. At the time, I was too busy enjoying my bok choy to process all my thoughts.

And thus we are brought to the second point in this evening's two-point agenda (Please note: That was a Futurama reference). I am actually very interested how this film is even related to Christmas. We can rule out any possible relation to the birth of Jesus. What I want to know is how this has anything to do with the birth of Santa. Ha, ha, ha? It's funny because my speculation is zero. Absolute zero (Please note: That was a scientific reference). I don't mean to be a little over-critical, but I just have to, so, I will. I mean, the damn film is set in Antartica. Last time I checked, Santa lived in the North Pole (aka. The Arctic). And who are the stars? The main characters of this film are a bunch of Emperor Penguins. What was the producer thinking?

This is the state of our media, dear readers. This is one of the reasons why the Chasers exist. It is a small sacrifice for great satire, isn't it? Your answer may be yes, but my answer is no. This is an absolutely pathetic reflection on the people who were involved in marketing this film. Thanks to this, I also know what I want for Christmas: A bullet and a gun. I would like this film-maker to meet his maker (pun - unintended; grievous bodily harm - intended) for making this crappy film. I would have been a little more forgiving if he chose a better name, but calling it Happy Feet just sealed its fate.

The Australia film industry has sold out to the USA. People will say to me, "Welcome to 3 years ago. War on Iraq, duh," and I will reply to them, "Get with the times. This is the war on idiocy."

There is no C in Kingdom Hearts

2006-12-15T21:56:00.000+10:00

Mood: Awe
Currently listening to: This:

This video is the epitome of "playing by ear".

There is no C in Wii

2006-12-13T13:52:00.001+10:00

Mood: ?:/
Currently listening to: Nothing, but a ice-cream truck just went down the road

Last Thursday, Nintendo's secret weapon, the Wii was unveiled upon Australia and did a very just thing to suck $400+ AUD out of the wallet of every parent and child that bought into this new console. Already, critics are debating whether the Wii will be the console to end all console wars or just Nintendo's next counter-attack to their biggest rival Sony. Since Microsoft entered the console war and redefined the meaning of 'huge' with the big black brick known as the XBox, things have been looking a lot like the Romance of the Three Kingdoms in the console gaming industry.

*Note: A picture of the XBox could not be shown as it would be way too big and you would need a 200" monitor to see it. We apologize for this inconvenience.

Many gamers are speculating if the following of the Nintendo Wii will actually become a religion (ie. Wiiism with three i's), or just another ignored cult (eg. Halo Fanboys) or if Wii is actually the devil incarnate hiding within that harmless looking white shell. Leader of the Wiiist Movement, Andy Ess, commented, "The Nintendo Wii is the greatest console ever and Nintendo is the best and we loooooooove Pokemon!" Immediately following this interview, I had my associate pick up an empty Wii box and threw it on the ground and drive a car over it. Over 80% of the Wiiists who watched this horrible act of lunacy had to be admitted to hospital because of shock. The other 20% ran away to "call for reinforcements".

Now, I saw my fair share of pre-Wii excitement and criticism from both the gaming and non-gaming community. Remember the Nintendo Dolphin? No you don't but just pretend you do. When Nintendo revealed that their latest console was to be called the Nintendo Wii, people were shocked and threatened to boycott the next Pokemon Championship held on Planet Nintendo. People weren't sure whether it was a joke or whether Nintendo was planning to really release a console with such an absurd name. Some were even saying sick and tasteless speculations like, "I bet the Nintendo Puu is next." I, as a student of journalism and slave of satire, am here to dispel all doubt and clear everything up on Nintendo's behalf. Yes, on Nintendo's very own behalf.

Contrary to popular belief, "Wii" is not pronounced [wee]. It is actually pronounced [wai] as in 'why'. Seriously, I got this information from Nintendo's director, Bowser the turtle-shell dinosaur, distant relative of Barney the purple dinosaur. This means that people who've been calling the controller a "Wiimote", vaguely rhyming it with 'remote' have been totally wrong. It's a damn [waimote], get it right. And not only that, Nintendo's marketting expertise is really shown in the name of their new product. When people ask each other, "Why wouldn't you get a Wii?" and they pronounce Wii correctly, they would have said 'why' twice in the same sentence and when people hear this they will just laugh and go "Why wouldn't you get a Wii? Ha, ha, ha." and this is surely to become one of the great memes of all time. This just reminds me of the time when Final Fantasy X was released and people weren't sure if Tidus was pronounced [teedus] or [taidus]. It really brings me back and brings a tear dripping down my emo glasses.

Your local Nintendo correspondent,
Cii Wong (in this instance, it is more correct to pronounce my name as [see], not [sai])

C is for Casino Royale

2006-12-09T23:28:00.000+10:00

Mood: Tired and unwell
Currently listening to: Chris Cornell - You Know My Name

Casino Royale happens to be the first Bond film I've seen since I turned critique-of-the-world, thus I cannot provide any comparison whatsoever to the previous Bond movies.

But when you look at the older Bond movies, we can clearly see that the opening was better; there was less gadgets; the Bond girl was more French and more gorgeous; the stunts weren't CGed and actually real + more.

I have three words: See it. It is really good.

I guess that was a little more than three words.

**WARNING: Counter-Strike fans will experience intense deja vu and/or withdrawal symptoms from doing something other than playing Counter-Strike during the embassy raid scene.

And yes, I said I was in no position to compare then I compared. I DIVIDED BY ZERO... O SHI-

TLC puts the C in Static

2006-12-07T14:31:00.000+10:00

Mood: Slightly better than yesterday
Currently listening to: The dull and creepy sound of air conditioning

Having been a fanboy of webcomic MegaTokyo for a reasonable while now, I have always wondered if the whole deal with static affecting computer parts was really true. I had never really attempted at putting a computer together before at my life until today (Geek's things-to-do list, #15).

As I used my trustworthy stanley knife to cut open the box containing the tower, which has been called a variety of other things, such as: case, rook, fortress, skyscraper, bird's nest and top-of-the-world, I was greeted with a metallic box wrapped in a plastic bag and cushioned with some white foam (I was unaware that foam came in any other colour, but behold, at work I was greeted with a large quantity of pink foam which is used to cushion hard drives in their bulk box). I turned the cardboard box upside-down to slip it out, as anyone would have logically done, and then proceeded to strip the tower of its plastic wrapping. At this point, I was zapped. This wasn't your everyday run-of-the-mill light static discharge. What I experienced was one hell-of-a-mongoose-beastly discharge. It was big. I could literally feel the force of the discharge pushing my fingers away from the case. The only bad thing about this experience was that there was no lightshow.

And so, after being shocked by the static discharge (ha, ha, ha, pun intended?) I start taking away the side panels so I could install the hard drive, DVD-rom and floppy drive (I honestly don't know why ANYONE needs a floppy drive anymore; nobody could take one even if you paid them). While I'm innocently trying to get the "fake" drive panels off the case (which looked very real and funky), I cut my finger along the metal frames inside the case. I must concede I was "asking for it" when I stuck my hand in there without even looking where it was headed.

So anyways, to cut a long story short, I install the floppy drive, and then I install the DVD-rom. Now this is the climax of my epic tale. I picked up the hard drive, which was wrapped in some strange dark, transparent, hard plastic pouch which looked like it was polarized (like sunglasses). Sealing the bag was a rather amusing sticker which said:

The content is made in Thailand

The pouch said something like this (I will photowhore the pouch when it's time to finish work and go home):

DY3650 Static Shielding
Bag

DOU YEE LOT NO.
06060053

REUSABLE CONTAINER
DO NOT
DESTROY

ATTENTION
HANDLE ONLY
AT
STATIC SAFE
WORK
STATIONS
ELECTROSTATIC
SENSITIVE
DEVICES

FRAGILE
HANDLE WITH
CARE

Now, I could not get over the hilarity of this warning label. DO NOT DESTROY? I honestly couldn't think of how anyone could possibly destroy this hard plastic quasi-aluminium polarized plastic silky shiny pouch thing. Heck, I'm not even sure if a nuclear bomb could destroy it. But, who would have thought, there was a slight incision where you were meant to tear it, and I, being the tank that I am, had a go at it and succeeded in tearing it. However, me being able to tear it is besides the point. I am still unable to understand how anyone can destroy this pouch, like, vaporize it or something. This stuff is made from some off-world material, seriously.

And just some miscellaneous information: no, I did not take off my clothes. ;3

TLC puts the C in December

2006-12-06T13:33:00.000+10:00

Mood: Lonely and lazy with a touch of emo on top
Currently listening to: The soothing monotony of air conditioning

Ah, delicious December: The 12th month of our year. Contrary to popular belief, December actually does come every year. Strangely enough, December is neither celebrated nor dismissed like such days as Friday the 13th which is considered the unluckiest Friday of the entire year, or Feaster Sunday, the national public holiday for the Undead.

Much sadly, I am at work and I must go count old unsold stock. And I do not feel so inspired today. My relationship with Satire is on the rocks again. I've noticed when I feel emo, I can't write as well. All I feel like typing up are sad poems about how I want to die and how nobody understands me. This realization is extremely upsetting for me. I call it: the sad truth.

TLC puts the C in myspace

2006-12-02T12:24:00.000+10:00

Mood: Don't know.
Currently listening to: The Late Tupac Shakur - Picture Me Rolling

First of all, I urge you to read Uncyclopedia and Encyclopedia Dramatica's (both are linked respectively) articles on MySpace. Have chloroform on a rag somewhere nearby as you may laugh so hard, like myself, and need some sort of quick sedation, lest you begin to feel a slight pain in your stomach which means it is going to asplode! That big scoring list just made me laugh so hard I think I may need psychiatric help. My neighbour heard me and he must have called the cops or something.

Sup. I is here, and dis is me myspace. I is down wit' da gangsta talk, chiggaz. Now there be two types of peeps yo: there be the ones who likes da myspace, and those who don't. My brother Gwo happens to be the type that ain't be likin' the myspace, but we wants to be keepin' in touch wit' our brothers n' sisters, ya kno'.

So I been signed up to da myspace, and I been writin' up 'bout myself n' my brother ya kno', n' I been thinks it might be funny if we be posin' as da Asian gangsta. N' so I did; me put some hot pic of myself on da page n' put a song by the late Tupac for folks to listen in. We be makin' up stories 'bout da gangsta development, 'bout how we been totally shizzin' it. N' of course you gots to be stickin' up a photo of me in jail.

Now, the two paragraphs above will be rewritten in proper English, because gangsta talk is a hell lot more hard to type than it is to read. And it is pretty damn hard to read.

Our goal? To get past the 200 friends milestone and to make our "Asian gangsta" image believable. We don't care if all those models happen to be 40 year old perverted men. Bets have already been placed against the possibility that they are really beautiful, voluptuous women. They inhabit our friends list purely for decoration. On a side note, their pages really lag a lot because of the crap that they, the "computer illiterate", have placed on their page.

So far, it would appear that this Asian gangsta image is succeeding. And it also seems that these myspace models are not really models. The data we are collecting totally disagrees with a study conducted by the Recognized And Credited Internationally Shunned Tribual of Scientists in 2003, titled "The inverse correlation of interactions between white women and Asian men, and white men and Asian women". According to RACISTS (2003), white women are very unlikely to notice Asian men, and the average percentage of rejection of an Asian male by a white female (in the U.S) is around 96%. Based on the analysis provided by RACISTS, we can be certain only 4% of Asian males who pursue a friendship or relatiionship with a white woman will actually succeed. If these white women were really 21 year old models living in Alabama, then it is unlikely that they would even consider adding some Asian kid onto their Myspace friends list (which is sacred in some Scientologist countries). However, since they have, it can only mean one of two or both of these things: Our Asian gangsta image is the beautiful rainbow of win, and/or that there are 40 year old men posing as American pornstars on the Internets (Well, this is certainly new!).

Now, if I, Charles Wong, mighty troll of the Internets were any less of a troll that I am, I would have been the overly honest noob who would stick on my profile a less-than-attractive photo of myself or my colleague and write some down-to-earth statement about my background on my page. However, being a denizen of the Internets who possesses an incredibly trollish might, I upload a picture of myself in my metrogear, holding a bottle of expensive wine (which was actually Ribena), bein' a poser with the bling and the gangsta hand signal. For your information, no, that bottle was actually not Ribena and was indeed real wine. It was a poor shame that I did not have the necessary equipment to unseal it.

My associate Gwo, being a great mathematician, has devised a formula for Power on the Internets. Let's hope I can fit it on one line.

If you are male:
( Pic of yourself that has "wealth" written all over it + believable story of
your real life fame and achievements + background music that a real man would listen to ) * your
falsely presented annual income = Power on the Internets

If you are female:
Pic of yourself ^ the amount of skin you're showing = Power on the
Internets

If you are male, but are horribly perverted and/or is a sexual predator and must pretend to be a female:
Pic of woman found on image search or light pornography site ^ (
attractiveness of .jpg + filename of .jpg ) = Power on the Internets

And also one last amazing observation I have made after my light trek
through the depths of Myspace...

If you are male or female, but only have an IQ of
40:
Believing you could pass off a semi-nude picture of actress Jessica Alba as
your own = Fail

Disclaimer: The Letter C claims that Gwo did not write anything on this post or on our Myspace page. All content found on this blog and our Myspace is purely original. Any resemblance to real characters or real information can be blamed on Satire. If you require to file such a lawsuit against Satire. I cannot disclose Satire's gender or first name, so I suggest you do a Google search on satire. It may very well be that Satire's first name is actually MAD Magazine, as I have always suspected.

And once again, if you were a disobedient rebel child and did not read Uncyclopedia and Encyclopedia Dramatica's (both are linked respectively) articles on MySpace like I told you, do so or something terrible will happen! If you send this email to another 50 people, you will meet the love of your life tonight! If you don't, your love life will be ruined! Boo hoo.

There is no C in Kazakhstan

2006-12-01T11:03:00.000+10:00

Mood: Woozy
Currently listening to: The Kazakhstan National Anthem (with Potassium)

The controversy over the character Borat and his movie, Borat: blah blah make glorious pancakes or something blah has been pretty hot lately. Hot on the news, hot on the internet forums, hot in the oven, and many people have been asking, "Is it fake? Is it real?". Friends, I have always been a faithful Baron-cohenist, and I have never doubted for one bit that many of his encounters (while in character) were truly unscripted and a testament to the sheer bigotry of many Americans.

The joke is not on Kazakhstan. I think the joke is on people who can
believe that the Kazakhstan that I describe can exist -- who believe that
there's a country where homosexuals wear blue hats and the women live in cages
and they drink fermented horse urine and the age of consent has been raised to
nine years old.In actuality, it turns out that Borat is a far more damning
critique of America than it is of Kazakhstan.

The jokes that Baron Cohen mentions above -- and all the rest about beating
gypsies, throwing Jews down wells, exporting pubic hair and making monkey porn
-- are clearly parody. But the America that Borat discovers on his cross-country
trek here -- rife with homophobia, xenophobia, racism, classism and
anti-Semitism -- is all too real.

Sacha Baron Cohen speaks at last:
http://www.rollingstone.com/news/coverstory/sacha_baron_cohen_the_real_borat_finally_speaks/page/1
In addition, this article has my recommendation and seal of approval for being a piece of Fine Journalism, with a capital F. And a J. Yes. It is very likely that I will archive it and one day read it to my grandchildren and tell them about how one man made all of America look like a fool.

There is no C in Naomi Robson

2006-11-28T12:30:00.000+10:00

Mood: Eh?
Currently listening to: Nothing

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/story/0,23663,20834570-10229,00.html

Naomi Robson, Naomi Schmobson. Today is a great day for journalism. I dare say, every man, woman and child has been waiting for this news article since I don't know when. There is little doubt that a sick horse would make a better current affairs host than this woman.

Tata. I must continue work. Cheers to crappy journalism.

There is no C in Gaia Online

2006-11-24T23:20:00.000+10:00

Mood: Guilty
Currently listening to: Nothing

I feel extremely sads. Like, we're talking 10 sads here. More on that later. It is too deep to go on a blog of this nature and would like totally blow the world to pieces if I were to elaborate!

Let us examine the Wikipedia article for Gaia Online. Wikipedia is officially "on the rocks" and I no longer consider it a reliable source of information. But anyhow, let's read it and laugh at it!

Gaia Online is an anime and games site. It was opened to the public on February 18, 2003 by Gaia Interactive, a group earlier known as AniHQ, consisting of Derek Liu and some of his business partners.

Users of the site, known as Gaians, are able to create a customizable avatar, for which they can purchase outfits using gaia gold, which is earned by browsing the site, playing games, and posting on the forums.

As the site is free, there are some ways the administrators have set up to gain revenue - these include Gaia-themed posters, shirts and hats. They also give donors
in-game rewards of limited-edition gifts.

Now, just from reading that gibberish, Wikipedia makes several things clear to the reader:

Gaia online is an anime and games site.

Users of the site are known as Gaians.

Gaians are able to create a customizable (spelt with a 'z', clearly American) avatar.

Gaians can purchase outfits using gaia gold.

Gaia gold is earned by browsing the site, playing games, and posting on the forums.

The site is free.

They give donors in-game rewards of limited-edition gifts.

All of this sounds strangely familiar doesn't it? Yes, it would appear that all of the following "RPG fads" also have these very same features: Ragnarok Online, AdventureQuest, MapleStory, Gunbound, MapleQuest, Adventurebound, MapleStory Online, Gaiabound, Final Fantastory, RPG Clone 42, Final Fantasy Online: We are serious about Final this time, Final Fantasy Online: Sorry consumer but we lied to you, and last but not least, Myspace.

Additionally, I think that to describe Gaia Online as an "anime and games site" is rather vague. It is in fact a forum that is 90% desperate geeks, and 10% girls who just want to have fun and make friends. Not only that, but you can also play horribly presented Flash games. I was coaxed into going fishing by some stupid popup speech bubble. And when you see the room listing (reminiscent of Yahoo! Games), only then will you begin to realize the sheer level of geekery that exists in Gaia Online. People are generally nice, but every now and then you will see a glimpse of the dark underground of the internets and meet the most dangerous type of geek: the zombie geek. These geeks have been around since the very beginning of the internets and lurked for many years until Gaia Online opened up. Then they joined up, but were very bad mannered so they got banned, but then they returned by changing their IP address. Hence the title of "zombie".

Zombie geeks get a natural -4 to their charisma and immunity to bannings of any sort or length. They have stiff limbs and take x4 damage from sunlight. Zombie geeks start in the city of Homepage.html, and can speak every language on the internets except for coherent English. Their class leader is the Umbrella Man and they belong to the Whorde faction. Now, you must select your hairstyle, then your adventure can begin!

NOTE: I HAVE ALREADY BEEN HIT ON ALREADY. THIS IS CRAZY. IT'S ONLY DAY 3 AND THE CURSE OF THE FEMALE AVATAR IS ALREADY SHOWING. WELL, I MEAN, I DO LOOK REAL SEXY, BUT... I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS! OH, SAVE ME FROM THE HORDES OF DESPERATE GEEKS, SAVE ME!!! I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE A LOLITA JAPANESE SCHOOLGIRL, I PROMISE!

TLC puts the C in Twilight Princess

2006-11-23T19:39:00.000+10:00

Mood: Bored
Currently listening to: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya - Hare Hare Yukai

**NOTE: From now on, reference links may or may not redirect to Wikipedia because Uncyclopedia and Encyclopedia Dramatica are clearly better and more crude and contain an infinitely higher level of satirical content. In order to fully appreciate this surprise change of protocol, my dear reader, you will have to mouseover the links to see where they go, or just click them all and see where you go.

As we all know, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess was released several days ago in North America for the Nintendo Wii. Many uglie nerds sold everything they owned to line up at their local game store to line up and be one of the first people in the world to obtain this epic RPG title.

This is a common spectacle and is known as the Desperate Nerd Addiction Effect, not to be confused with that "other" desperate nerd addiction effect. It was first observed by video game kiosk owner Kyon Koizumi back in 1997 at the release of Final Fantasy VII (Warning: this is not a Wikipedia link and may contain extreme satire sprinkled with sick and tasteless jokes). Other video game kiosk owners in Japan began to add their findings to the Japanese Otaku Surveillance Activity Journal (Article not found). The "DNA" effect was reported to have occurred at the release of Final Fantasy VIII, IX, X, XII, XIII, Fanta Finalsy Revolution, Final Pacmantasy, Final Fantacraft IV, World of Final Fantacraft and has also been predicted to occur in its most severe form ever when the Playstation 3 is released. It should be noted that almost nobody turned up on the day of Final Fantasy XI's release, simply because it sucked and was the worst RPG ever released for a console. Yes, even worse than that really sucky one. You know the one I mean.

Professor Ukato Desho from Kwansei Gakuin University commented in his annual report in 2005, "This is nothing special and happens all the time everywhere in the world. However, I find it startling that white people, especially Americans, could emulate the otaku stereotype that was previously thought to only exist in Japan. Many of my colleagues find this to be an alarming precedence but think that it is funny. Nobody would have guessed that uglie nerds would dare show their faces in public for the purpose of obtaining a video game on its release date. You would think that they could wait until the hype dies down. I mean, if I were in their position, I would rather wait a little while so that nobody would see me go to the store. Wouldn't you?" Yes Professor, I certainly would.

In conclusion, I label this post with about a 5% relevance to Twilight Princess and a 95% relevance to absolute garbage, and a neverbefore witnessed 110% to uglie nerds. I sign out cuz my satire is on the rocks and has begun its rapid decline into Unfunnyville, the neighbouring suburb of Unsatiricalville. Heck, I don't even know what the hell I just wrote.

TLC puts the C in Melancholy

2006-11-20T20:12:00.000+10:00

Mood: Lovesick
Currently listening to: Arctic Monkeys - Mardy Bum

Wallpapers I made from The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi:

Enjoy. More to come soon.

C is for Cosplay

2006-11-15T22:30:00.000+10:00

Mood: Probably artistic
Currently listening to: Probably something by Jay Chou

"Disgrace to the Uchiha Clan", the repost.

C is for Chopin

2006-11-11T23:04:00.000+10:00

Mood: Elated
Currently listening to: All 7 of Jay Chou's albums

Today, out of nowhere, I spawned an obsession for The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, a real zany anime series. And thus, went on Youtube searching "haruhi" and watched cool vids, just like any otaku would have. Being the real piano enthusiast that I am (or was), I was so inspired by what I saw that I decided to come out of retirement. Nobody actually knew, but I decided about a month back that I wanted to quit piano because I felt that I had "been there, done that". What arrogance you say! I was slowly losing my interest in piano, which was probably a symptom of wanting to go "legit" with music. So, as a warning, don't delete your mp3s! (No, you should, but... er...)

As a result, I decided that during this holidays, though I had originally planned to tear into my bass, I, Charles Wong (Wikipedia: Article not found), will not only be doing that but also realizing my full potential as a piano player and record myself playing all of Jay Chou's greatest hits and upload them onto Youtube. Yes, read that sentence again if you thought you were dreaming. If, by overdose of an illegal substance, or by chance, you were actually dreaming, I am going to make it real.

I know, I know, this is every Asian girl's dream come true.

And Blogger is so nice to me. They gave me tags! Hurray for great justice! Finally, this rules out any chance of me ever returning to MSN Spaces or considering LiveJournal. WHEEEEEE GEEK LOVE!

*EDIT: Video #1 is now available on Youtube. Here it is:

Jay Chou's 发如雪 (Hair Like Snow) on pianoFeat. Charles WongA Zian Group Production

C is for Children of Men

2006-11-07T19:43:00.000+10:00

Mood: Moody
Currently listening to: Bernard Fanning - Watch Over Me

Children of Men is a 2006 dystopian thriller film directed by Alfonso Cuaron. Children of Men is based on P.D. James's novel The Children of Men and stars Clive Owen, Julianne Moore and Michael Caine. Set in 2027 where no human child has been born for 18 years and science is at a loss to explain why, Children of Men envisions a world that has fallen into chaos as humankind faces the threat of its own extinction. (Directly stolen from Wikipedia's article on Children of Men)

Today, I went and saw Children of Men. It was a great film, and though I am a serious-movie fan, I do not have the highest regard for thrillers. Alfonso Cuaron had used the story very well to bring a lot of suspense to his audience. I honestly could not find anything I did not like about the film. Cuaron managed to keep me in wonder at the fragility of mankind and at the edge of my seat at the same time. The film moved me to tears and I feel it is a shame that not many people noticed this film when it was released. Children of Men can be found presenting humanity in a very "real" way and Cuaron uses this to his advantage, making it possible for the audience to believe in such a possible future.

A lot of the story is told through the images on screen, while character development is more associated with interaction between different characters and occuring events. The MA rating is accurately reflected by the large number of disturbing images and use of profanity. Children of Men is great for movie enthusiasts who like to notice minor visual details. The images are mostly very grey and reflect the setting of the story. Cuaron's camerawork is amazing and it can be clearly seen that he had put real effort into making the film feel alive and believable.

The contrast in music used in the film is effective in illustrating the difference between the old times and the dystopian future. Certain thrill scenes have high volume for shock effect and there is also the interesting alternation of volume from indoors and outdoors, that rather than being a soundtrack being played in the background, Cuaron makes it seem as though the music is being played within the movie setting itself.

People have claimed that Cuaron "broke the fourth wall" in Children of Men. I do slightly agree, but without spoiling anything, I actually propose that the technique he used, if anything, turned Children of Men into a documentary from a film at that point, in which the reality of this future completely came into full view. Children of Men is a very real film, and Cuaron has beautifully directed this piece of dystopian fiction. For sad-film/serious-film fans, I do recommend.

TLC puts the C in Magic: The Gathering

2006-11-05T00:23:00.000+10:00

Mood: Tired
Currently listening to: Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U

Adam Wells would be proud.

TLC puts the C in Pac-Man

2006-11-01T21:23:00.000+10:00

Mood: Not in the mood to study
Currently listening to: Radiohead - Creep

Dear reader, you may have noticed that the post title theme has taken a different turn. Yes, you've guessed it. In accordance to the Nerdy and Undereducated Newsreporters Society's (NUNS) code of ethics, never in my entire career as a journalist, whether I be pseudo, cadet, or retired am I allowed to write anywhere that the letter C stands for a word that does not begin with the letter C. I am, however, not prohibited by the NUNS to violate trademarking and copyright by turning my blog name into an acronym which also happens to stand for at least another 15 different things (Wikipedia: TLC). And from now on, along with the standard citing of reliable sources, Wikipedia articles will be linked when necessary and have been coded to open in a new window for your convenience. Thankyou for taking the time to read this introductory paragraph unrelated to Pac-Man.

In the summer of 1969, 4 years after Richard Gere was caught on camera enjoying a green tea icecream from a Shinjuku noodle bar, a famous Japanese performer by the name of Suzuki Paku(Wikipedia: Article not found) was filming an advertisement for a brand of Japanese pancakes on the streets of Akihabara. Suzuki was an avid supporter of the electronic gaming industry and despite the manager of the advertising company insisting that the commercial be filmed in nearby Ikebukuro, Suzuki was eagerly awaiting the release of Dragon Quest: Origins and had camped outside Go Go Game the night before, a variety game store that closed for renovation in the early 1990s. To this day, it still has not reopened for business. Otaku in the neighbourhood rumour that the shop is haunted and there is a "real" game of Resident Evil happening inside.

On that very day, 15 April, 1969, Suzuki was inspired to take the pancake phenomenon further and shortly after he told the camera crew of his vision, they told him of a gypsy only known as Namuko-sama and that he should seek this gypsy out. As the gender of Namuko-sama was unknown at the time, the usage of a pronoun co-referenced with Namuko-sama in the previous sentence would have created ambiguity and was ommitted for semantic purposes. It took Suzuki 8 years to find this enigmatic gypsy and then another 2 years for Namuko-sama, who is actually better known as Namco, the creator of retro classics such as Galaga.

Pac-Man has indeed come a long way, working his way into other gaming genres with spinoffs like SixPac-Man, IcePac-Man, JetPac-Man, WolfPac-Man, LeaderOfThePac-Man (Wikipedia: Articles not found), and the ever-controversial, TuPac-Man. For legal reasons, TLC cannot provide a link to the Wikipedia article for the Pac-Man spinoff TuPac-Man. TLC's lawyers maintain that it would be unwise to claim any affiliation with American poet Tupac Shakur, in the event that he was still alive. Namco also worked with Blizzard Entertainment in producing StimPac-Man, which was a Starcraft/Pac-Man crossover in which your Terran Marine would be chased by Zerglings (instead of Ghosts) around the maze. Some fans found it a bit quaint that Namco helped promote tourism to regions of South Asia with the release of Pacistan (Pronounced [paːkɪst̪aːn]) .

And today, as gamers in their 50s reflect back on the days of retro gaming, Pac-Man will undoubtedly be considered one of their all-time favourites (Game Addicted Youths' Binary Omnibus, 2005) alongside Tetris and Street Fighter II. The older members of Generation Y may also have had the chance to appreciate the great gaming experience that is Pac-Man. May the legend of the Japanese pancake be more than just a memory and live strong in the hearts of all ugly, lifeless nerds.

*DISCLAIMER: Although the Wikipedia article for Pac-Man clearly states that Pac-Man was a character invented by a Namco employee named Iwatani Toru, a very reliable source informed TLC long ago that this article has been heavily vandalised by satirists in an act of what we call, "Trying hard to be funny but failing miserably". As such, TLC maintains that the version of events recorded on this blog are more authentic than Michael Jackson's nose. In addition, TLC sends their sincere condolences to any fans of Tupac Shakur who were offended by the untasteful joking of his mortality. TLC's lawyers have been paid a sum to sign a total of 2 documents and nothing more. Should full charges be pressed against the letter C , um... well, we actually haven't thought that far ahead yet.

C is for Cinema

2006-10-30T22:56:00.000+10:00

Mood: Indifferent

Currently listening to: Phantom Planet - One Ray of Sunlight

The film industry is the second largest of the modern day communication mediums. In the non-American world, Bollywood reigns supreme as the highest producer of cinematic features, generating gross earnings of nearly $160 billion USD a year (Actuarys and Statisticians Institute of Australia, 2005). With the wide spectrum of genres, there is almost certainly a film that will appeal to everyone. Whether it be comedy or romance or drama that pleases you, the movie market has grown so much over the past decade (Film Actor's Guild, 2004), that anyone, young or old, Asian or not, can enjoy a great cinema exprience.

The death of the VCR and the advent of the DVD was considered the greatest boon for the film industry for the last twenty years. Resident evil journalist Sharles Dubyoo recently interviewed movie director Steven Spielbergo to gain some insight regarding the effects that the birth of the DVD format has had on filmmaking. Mr Spielbergo had absolutely no knowledge or opinion regarding this area, and it was only revealed over a cup of coffee several hours after the interview that Mr Spielbergo was actually a fictional character spoof by Matt Groening, the creator of popular animated series: The Simpsons and Futurama (Wikipedia, Date of article unknown).

With the number of directors in the industry, new films are released at a fast rate and usually stay onscreen for an average of 2 months. There are exceptions however, such as the geek-flick trilogy of The Lord of the Rings, and teenybopper favourites like the Harry Potter film series which managed to stay in cinema for a disgusting 16 and 14 weeks respectively (ASIA, 2004). Many of our readers have written in to express their opinion regarding chick-flick Step Up. One reader felt that this movie had been onscreen for too long and also provided a published study detailing the correlation between film rating and endurance. The letter C assured readers that although Step Up was still showing at cinemas, nobody was going to go watch that trash.

On a tangent to the previous paragraph, in an attempt to increase readership, the pop culture column editor at the letter C paid an undisclosed amount of Internet currency to a source which we have only identified as a misinformed schoolboy for a list of films to see this summer. This is the list that was retrieved:

Films to see, Summer of 2006:
Jackass Number Two
Borat movie
Children of Men

*UPDATE: The schoolboy, with the screenname "CWang" sent us an email denouncing our tasteless satire and has urged us to see all the films on the list this summer.

C is for Chancellery

2006-10-26T18:11:00.000+10:00

Mood: Oblivious

Currently listening to: Hinder - Lips of an Angel

THE LETTER C

SEAL OF FINE JOURNALISM

C is for Charles

2006-10-24T18:58:00.000+10:00

Mood: Calm under pressure

Currently listening to: Fort Minor - Where'd You Go

Welcome to the newest evelight/skyless/husht. Husht unfortunately died pretty soon after I renounced Photoshop. I have been tempted to get it back, but am still holding well against my kleptomania. This new blog is currently operating under the working title: "the letter C". I find myself still saving my images in the \husht\ folder under \charles\. Simply as an act of conformity, I'll continue doing this until the end of the school year. How this is relevant to you, my reader, is completely oblivious to me. My hypothesis is that this behaviour is a symptom of "blogger-syndrome" (Wong, 2006), where we (bloggers) feel the unfathomable instinct to unnecessarily express ourselves. It's slightly weirded out, I know. I am moreso frightened at the fact that I presented a hypothesis.

Some dear friends of mine are MSN Spacers, LiveJournalists, and (yes, I am not kidding) BlogSpiriters (i lol'd). Now, for one, I've totally gotten over the fancy artsy layout factor. Layout is not what makes a great blog. While the aesthetics are important and also provide a more comfortable read for my demographic, those who know me (artistically speaking) will empathise with my liking to minimalist designs. Come on, I am Charles Wong, the guy who is most likely to do anything, and nothing. It's either conservative or radical. I can't be the inbetween. I don't know how. I claimed this many years ago and it would appear to still be true this very day. Now I mentioned these other blog-service-providers (BSPs?) because I want to see a flamewar happening. I also just went back to the start of my post and started bolding random stuff.

My hypothesis is that this behaviour is a symptom of
"blogger-syndrome" (Wong, 2006), where we (bloggers) feel the
unfathomable instinct to unnecessarily express ourselves.

Well, (probably inproper use of a new paragraph) see, I'm a Blogger (yes, literally) because I have a slight amount of discrimination for the other BSPs. MSN Spaces were great, until Microsoft decided to "revamp" the scheme of the interface. Now it's plain retarded. The only good thing about MSN Spaces was the embedded photo album. Nobody can disagree on that. But even then, the photo album feature went downhill when they removed slideshow navigation. Now it's plain junk. Writing a post in MSN Spaces also causes it to lag like you're playing 5 instances of DOTA on highest video quality in the background. I am not kidding. This is the very reason I deserted my Space and came here.

LiveJournal is not so bad, other than the fact I have no idea what's going on when I write in it. My good friend Emily keeps a very clean and tidy blog on LJ, hats off to her. Gotta love the mood emoticons. They own. I think they wouldn't let me use any of my common passwords, not even with numbers or whatever. I simply couldn't be bothered remembering an extra password to keep a blog that maybe 5 people at maximum will read. And BlogSpirit just sounds retarded. K? I have no idea how this information is going to affect you. I don't think it will, and I also think I just wasted some valuable minutes of my life typing this junk.

At last, we can have a little section regarding the post title. Yes, that's right, C is for Charles and nothing else. No, not even for chocolate or cheesecake or China. Just for today, the letter C stands for nothing else. As a bonus kickstart to my new blog, check out this Mii (Nintendo Wii Avatar o_O) of me (this "me" of me, haha):

For avatar-whoring enthusiasts, you can make your own at http://www.joystiq.com/media/2006/10/mii.swf

*EDIT: After previewing the republished version of my blog with this post in full, I officially declare that I sound like an intelligent and well-informed teenybopper. This is a great day for the Socialite World Order (Wong, 2006) and a terrible day for fine journalism.